A question for step mums

[bongobingo43]

I'm not sure where to post my question but I'm
Really just looking to understand my dd's SM's behaviour.....

I 100% know that the vast majority of SMs are not like this and it is not a SM 'bashing' thread - I'm genuinely wanting to understand why she acts the way she acts to make the situation as easy for my Dd as possible.

This has been going on for a couple of years but gradually getting worse. It's like she competes with me in everything and it's becoming more and more blatant.

FaceTime conversations i overheard this week...

A) I took Dd to the cinema then when she was telling her dad and SM about it, SM asked if she'd have had more fun with them than should would've with me.

B) Dd has been asking for a certain brand of shampoo that she uses at her dads house. I believe this is SM's shampoo but Dd wanted it. DD said on the phone "Santa got my the xyz shampoo" (this was just a stocking filler obviously but she was excited about it). SMs response "that's good, we both know that's the best one for shiny hair even if your mum doesn't like it. We both know it's better for your skin than that stuff SHE (I.e. me) has so at least Santa listens"

C) another FaceTime on the 27th. We'd had a really busy Xmas day and Boxing Day. Asked Dd what she wanted to do and her words were that she wanted a "lazy pj day". When dad and SM called they almost interrogate her about what she's been up to. She said "nothing, we're just staying in" and SMs response was "oh that's such a shame, you must be so bored. Don't worry, you'll be having fun with us soon".

The reason I'm worried is that these are just snippets I've over heard without intentionally listening: I've suggested Dd FaceTimes from her bedroom but she doesn't like to sit still and wanders round the house while she chats.

I suspect this is just the type of the iceberg of the nonsense she's fed when she's with them in person.

What do I do? It's not Dds fault so I don't think it's right to make her feel guilty over it? So do I just ignore it? But then what if it escalates? Tbh I don't care about exH and SM but it's almost like they're trying to brainwash Dd or turn her against me?

My suspicion is that SM is very insecure/jealous of my relationship with Dd but would there any other reason? Am I being paranoid thinking she's trying to turn my Dd against me?

Dd is 6, coming up for 7, but is pretty switched on so im hoping she's reaching the age where she will start to see through it!

@candlelightsatdawn

You know this is odd behaviour SM or not tbh. Sounds like insecurity

I know you briefly mentioned your ex being controlling and as much as hate going down this rabbit hole. Do you think the at your ex might be playing a large role in this than thought? Such as drip feeding poison into SM ear and that's why it's ramping up ?

Putting the ex and the Sm against each other as such so he can sit back and watch the fireworks . Saying "oh my ex says z y and x about you" and "that's why DC doesn't want come around as much because of your not doing enough fun stuff with her" or "saying well your not doing enough stuff to bond". There have been threads where men have said these types of things to their partners to make them insecure and are complains of men who would prefer their hand off partners take over the reigns so they don't have to.

You will know your ex so you will know if he's a man of this kin. It's just unusual that the behaviour is escalating without any prompts from DD or you so I suspect something insidious is going down with ex DH to prompt stoke the insecurity!

Just my two pence.

Ooooh hadn't considered that and I can also imagine some men doing this.

@tiredofthisshit21

Completely ridiculous behaviour - she sounds like she's trying to compete with you. Maybe she needs to have a child of her own to stop her obsession with your daughter.

And then Mumsnet will say how dare she replace the existing child.

@SarahJessicaParker1 funnily enough I had this with my own DD SM and I knew what my ex was like and I nipped it right in the bud by becoming friendly with her believe it or not. Added bonus that it annoyed my ex.

When we got on chatting terms I told her that causally I really respected all the stuff she does with DD but to not let my ex pass the buck to her and that he can be a little heavy on the negative comments and to play no attention as I thought she was doing a fab job and SM is a hard land to be in.

She promptly burst into tears saying that he had been up to his usual begging. My opinion is she's far to good for him but I have kept that to myself.

But I only did this because I knew what he was like.

I’m a mum and a SM and think this is really unpleasant behaviour.

You’ve had so many good suggestions here - I agree with the idea of ignoring, killing with kindness but also empowering DD to think for herself.

You sound like a lovely mum and person. I hope her dad sees sense soon. Are they married?

@lunar1

Don't keep encouraging your dd to take calls in her room, you need an idea of what's going on.

I would do lots of background work with your dd on topics like forming her own opinions on people and situations. Not being drawn into mob mentality when people are saying negative things she doesn't believe or doesn't like, knowing her own mind etc.

She might be young now, but you are going to need to lay good foundations for when she's older and the step mum starts this nonsense with clothes and makeup, bras etc. you've got time, hopefully they won't be together then!

That was my first thought when I saw her age. A 6 yo does not need private conversations with her fathers girlfriend, especially when the little bits that you have overheard is pointing to her being potentially psychologically abused by her. By what you’ve said she’s already got your ex under her complete control and he’s standing by while she tries to turn your own child against you. From now on I’d be attending the calls and making your presence known

Deep insecurity. Children sometimes go through a phase of 'MY Mum does it THIS way', which might have triggered some of it. And possibly your ex chimed in to agree.

I think Lunar has it - build on your child's abilities to judge for herself, and be as neutral as possible in comments about the SM.

I'm a step mum and I wouldn't ever behave like this. I try and be friends with my step children as opposed to "parenting" as they have two capable parents.
I have a child who also has a step mum and she tries to get a bit more involved and it winds me up but I rise above and ignore her. X

OP simply ignore, your DD is old enough to know when she is having fun without someone telling her.

I am a DM and SM and I’m not sure my DC or SC would take any notice of utter bullshit anyway.
You are right not to bring DD into it. Do as you are and remain neutral. The only thing that is going to happen here is eventually DD will realise that you are taking a small amount of interest in what she does with her dad and SM which is normal, not overstepping boundaries and not being rude about her dad or SM in front of her. If they can’t do the same then that is there issue. But I can tell you from personal experience it will not end the way SM is hoping it will. Xx

Shes only 6. Have the calls in one set spot in the house. They don't need private calls in her room. She doesn't need to walk around, people used to manage fine with a landline. If it carries on tell DH you aren't happy with the contents of the calls as SM is making nasty comments about you and its not fair on DD to hear them. Then stop the calls each time she starts up again.

You could frame it as it's not good for SMs relationship with DD and you want that to be a positive one as she's a long term influence on her life?

SM sounds like a knob, I'm not sure what the answer is sorry. Maybe a chat about being kind or not being rude about others with DD?

I'm a SM. That sounds like massive insecurities to me.

Op, if as you say, this has been going on for years and your daughter seems healthy and happy, I would not worry too much about it.

SM's insecurities may cause her to seek validation from a child, but your child seems to be managing it with no real impact.

If I were you, I would probably go to my room when they were talking. You then would not need to stress about something that doesn't appear to be impacting you daughter on any significant level.

You know that the SM is insecure and you do not need further confirmation of that fact.

Leave it to the dad to manage what happens in his home unless you see this having some significant Impact on your relationship with your daughter.

She’s an asshole and so is your ex if he is there listening to this nonsense come from
Her mouth.

I would just ignore this pathetic woman. She’s trying to compete with you for your daughter’s affection, but you are and will always be your daughters mother.

The only asshole you need to clean is the one on your bottom. Leave this woman to her pathetic, deranged attempts to undermine you. These sorts of things almost always backfire spectacularly on the person trying to undermine the mother. Just have your popcorn ready.

I'm a step mum & this is something I actually get from my SC's mum. Recently I've found that my SS (7) has started telling us "mum said you're not allowed" or "mum said you can't". This causes great discomfort for him.

We don't react. If anything when we ask SC's what they've been up to, we say "that sounds like loads of fun! Mum's full of good ideas". I wish I could tell you why your DD's SM is behaving like this but I'm afraid I have no idea. I agree with other posts, ignore it & be the example to your DD. I hope it doesn't continue for your DD's sake.

Thanks for all the advice. I agree she's probably jealous & insecure - seems a bit crazy to me that anyone would be out out by someone else's child being closer to their own mum than they are with them!!

There seems to be a split between people saying stop allowing the calls to be done in private vs don't even pay attention to it,

The reason I'd encouraged her to go to her room is because (selfishly) they're not something I particularly enjoy hearing and I all lol so don't want Dd to feel caught in the middle

However, my biggest concern is that whatever is said on the phone will be a fraction of what is said to her IRL. If I say anything to exH and best case it sorts out the issue on the phone, I'd be naive to think SM would also stop whatever she does IRL. Hate to think what she says to Dd then!!

I'm a step mum & this is something I actually get from my SC's mum. Recently I've found that my SS (7) has started telling us "mum said you're not allowed" or "mum said you can't". This causes great discomfort for him.

What type of things do you mean? I'm just wondering if this is something I'm actually guilty of

E.g. the other day Dd came home with a party bag and they asked her the next day if the cake had been good. Dd said she hadn't tasted it yet cos i say she's not allowed to eat too much sugar before bed or first thing the next day. She'd come home at 7.30 and this conversation was at 10am the next morning.
She also has a thing about wearing shorts all year round. I let her do this in the house but tell her she needs to wrap up before leaving the house. She was moaning to them about this the other day as something I wouldn't "allow"

@bongobingo43

Thanks for all the advice. I agree she's probably jealous & insecure - seems a bit crazy to me that anyone would be out out by someone else's child being closer to their own mum than they are with them!!

There seems to be a split between people saying stop allowing the calls to be done in private vs don't even pay attention to it,

The reason I'd encouraged her to go to her room is because (selfishly) they're not something I particularly enjoy hearing and I all lol so don't want Dd to feel caught in the middle

However, my biggest concern is that whatever is said on the phone will be a fraction of what is said to her IRL. If I say anything to exH and best case it sorts out the issue on the phone, I'd be naive to think SM would also stop whatever she does IRL. Hate to think what she says to Dd then!!

You may be right, BUT, I can imagine this being a thing th SM does when she knows you're about only. It does sound like an insecurity thing and she feels threatened by you, so if you aren't there she won't have any desire to mention you. She probably feels insecure because your dd is with you.

It is weird to feel threatened by an unrelated child being closer to her own mother, but this is like a lot of very insecure people. They compete over EVERYTHING when they feel threatened. It's actually very sad and weird.

I mean, she's bonkers and a shit person. But sadly you can't get rid of her. I do think she sounds weak and insecure, so just stay calm or kill her with kindness as suggested.

Also consider whether your exp is stoking the flames of insecurity by telling her you hate her or something like that. Some guys would definitely do that.

I'd never ever do that to my Dsd or her mum.

As others have said, it sounds like her insecurities and jealousy. Does she have kids of her own? (Apologies, I've skimmed the thread and might have missed this).

I think the best thing to do is ignore it. As long as your DD is happy that's the main thing. She shouldn't have to justify if she wants a lazy pj day - hey, give me one of those please haha!! She's clearly trying to offload her insecurities to your DD with things like the shampoo etc but honestly your daughter will see it for herself.

As PP said, she needs a good solid friend in a SM, not another parent. I'd never overstep my dsd's mums role.

@SarahJessicaParker1 there is a whole back story re why she doesn't like me/knows I don't like her - but this is all around the situation with my exH.

I never even associated that with this situation until now as it doesn't compute to me that someone would feel insecure or jealous of a child's relationship worth her own mum.
Guess it says more about her than it does about me.......

What type of things do you mean? I'm just wondering if this is something I'm actually guilty of I think your examples are ok. That's just your DD getting used to the idea that there are 2 house rules. Its hard for them.

I get it in the reverse too.. it tends to be things like "mummy says she's glad she doesn't have to work all the time like you" or "mummy does this xyz". Some of it is just them sharing what their mum does because they want to share that bit of their life but it is usually obvious when it's something mum has criticised happening at ours.

So for example we had one of the DSC needing too look after their teeth more. So if she'd said mummy says it's awful giving me fruit juice. Then we would know mummy had probably bad mouthed us. If she said mummy says I can't have fruit juice then that's different and dad would check to see whats going on.

She was moaning to them about this the other day as something I wouldn't "allow" and that's fine. Dad can just say OK when you're with us you can wear shorts all the time. If that's what he wants.

@bongobingo43 I've caught up with the full thread.

I still stand by ignore it. You daughter will pick up on it. Don't draw attention to it but if your daughter asks any questions about things that are said, maybe just keep responses brief. Take a note of what's being said and if she starts to show signs of these comments affecting her, highlight it to her dad.

Sm sounds like she's overstepping the mark big time! But kids have a way of playing one parent off against the other, if May be your dd isn't as innocent as you think and tells them she's bored at home for instance and tells you negatives about being at her dads (and doesn't tell them) she would not be alone - my dd was a master of that but forgot we still regularly talk! As for the shampoo, weird but some people do obsess over it, especially the brands (I buy Lidl because I see through the marketing!)