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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU next Christmas

84 replies

time2tork · 23/12/2021 16:17

So, we have NO kids this Christmas as they are all with the other parents.

I have 2 girls 7&9, DP has 13&14 year old boy and girl.

I have our baby on the way.

Next year I want to go to Centre Parcs for Christmas. My reasons for going at Christmas is because I love the build up, I think the children do too.

I cannot endure Centre Parcs any other time of year because we live in a forest, by a beach and have many pools and splash parks available so as above the only reason for Christmas is because it's like living in a magical Christmas land - something I have done with my children before we got together.

However DP is saying no because his ex wife never lets us have his kids on Christmas.

If we carry on like this, my two children and our shared child will never be able to do anything because of my DP ex wife not letting us have the children.

They will soon be old enough to make up their own minds anyway. But it's still annoying. I vision me and my 2 girls plus our baby will be 9 months having a nice Christmas in a lodge - but DP is against it because his children will miss out. Whereas, it's not mine or my 3 other childrens fault his ex wife won't let his kids come!

How petty am I being for being upset.

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 23/12/2021 17:46

Maybe you are stressing about something that will not be a problem. In any case what will prevent you and your 3 children from spending Xmas wherever you want to spend Xmas? You are his partner not his captive. It is also possible that his older children may or may not wish to spend Xmas in that location.

Why are you assuming that you and your children cannot spend Xmas in the location of your choice? If his ex never let's him have his children for Xmas , how does that prohibit you from taking your children some place? He may or may not wish to go without his children, but again how does that prevent you from going?

You seem to be looking for a solution to something that is not a problem.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 23/12/2021 17:47

So his dc are with their dm this year then surely with df next year?

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 17:48

Yanbu to want to do this. Sounds lovely. Do you think if their mum knew this was the plan, she might be happy for you to take them? She might want them to have that experience.

If there is no chance you'll be able to have them over Christmas I do think you should go anyway, though. No point moping at home because they aren't there, that won't solve anything! You have to make the best of it for the children that are spending Christmas with you.

Hadalifeonce · 23/12/2021 17:50

TBH I would also be quite angry, it's not your fault his ex is unreasonable. I would tell him it is your intention to book for next Christmas, and you would love him to join you. His choice.

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/12/2021 17:53

Just book it. Up to him if he joins you.

I’d book for three and amend the booking later and he can pay the difference if he chooses.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2021 17:55

Has he never had Christmas with them since he split with their mum? Why not? That’s on him, not her tbh. And his DC are already well old though to decide.

However, if he’s going to go along with his ex and forgo Christmas with his older kids that’s fine and no reason you can’t do what you want with all 3 of yours. It’s not yours or your DC fault he rolls over for his ex and none of you should miss out on something you think you’ll all enjoy. His loss.

LethargicActress · 23/12/2021 18:00

Yanbu. If it’s at the point where other family children are missing out because he can’t have his oldest children with him, then he needs to to to court to make sure his children get to celebrate Christmas with him too.

Or if he can’t be bothered with that, then he needs to suck it up and make a nice Christmas for the family children that he does get to see. He can’t have it both ways.

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 18:39

Go without him. He's going to do serious damage to your children if you can only do exciting stuff when DSC are there.

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 18:41

Do you think if their mum knew this was the plan, she might be happy for you to take them? She might want them to have that experience. screw that. She doesn't get to pick and choose when dad gets the kids just because she approves of the experience. They either sort out fair contact at christmas even if there's nothing exciting planned or they don't.

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 18:43

It sucks that your joint child won't get to go on holiday with their dad just because the others aren't there. He needs to look at it from the impact on baby too not just the older kids. Baby is going to end up with an EOW by default.

BellaChagall · 23/12/2021 18:48

I don't know why you're stressing about next Xmas already. Why can't you just enjoy next Xmas, your joint baby's first Xmas, at home as a family where all the baby's sisters and brother can get to spend time together? It's natural that your stepchildren's mum will not want them to go away at Xmas as she wouldn't see them at all. It's not the same as spending a day with you. Sorry, but I think you're being difficult. You couldn't bear to go to Center Parcs at any other time of year?
Would you be prepared to spend all of Xmas away from your daughters?

Ozanj · 23/12/2021 18:49

He will seriously harm your children by doing this. Either he steps up and demands a formal access arrangement and goes to court every time his ex reneges or you split up. This half way house will create a 2 tier system and it will always be your kids who lose out.

BellaChagall · 23/12/2021 18:49

Sorry, just saw you're not with your daughters this Xmas. How long are they away for?

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 18:51

Would you be prepared to spend all of Xmas away from your daughters? the only one who would be apart next year is DP.

And OP has already made clear that her children are with their other parent this year so wtf..she is being apart from her children at Christmas..

Original poster

time2tork · 23/12/2021 19:12

@BellaChagall

My children are away for 10 days.
It's ok, they are happy and get to have two Christmasses. Plus we FaceTime every day or every other day so I'm not pestering them having fun!

I'm just in shock at my DP to be honest, we've been a blended family for a long time and we have managed every curve ball thrown at us.. but now it seems that if I plan something fun for my kids when his aren't here - I'm leaving his out.

If we're talking about being "left out" it will be last year when my Sister in Law invited us over.. but accidentally double booked us with his Ex Wife visiting so we got cancelled and had to hand over gifts in a driveway.

His children live a very comfortable life with their Mum because of DP generous finances. So they are hardly in squalor while we go to bloody centre parcs. 🙄

OP posts:

BellaChagall · 23/12/2021 19:20

Time2tork thank you for clarifying. Yes, I agree he's being unreasonable.

Tattler2 · 23/12/2021 19:38

OP, I am confused. How is he stopping you from going? Is he saying that you can't take your children on a holiday?. If these are your children and you are paying for the trip, why does he get a say at all. His only say should be " have a great time.". If his arrangement with his ex has always been that she has the kids for Xmas, why would or should that change now? It does not seem as though he is unhappy with the arrangement.

Go and have a great time with your kids. Leave him to his own devices next Xmas. He is a big boy; he will survive.

Iloveacurry · 23/12/2021 19:47

So his kids will miss out, but then your kids will as well by not going? Just book if I was you. He should be able to have them for Christmas, that’s up to him to manage with his ex.

ANameChangeAgain · 23/12/2021 19:52

Honestly just book and invite him along. He is your partner not your prison officer.

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 19:59

OP, I am confused. How is he stopping you from going? Is he saying that you can't take your children on a holiday? he's not stopping OP from going but he is denying one of his children a holiday with their two parents. Just because he is split with the parent of his other children. It's a real shitty thing to do to their joint child. Their parents are together so they should get a holiday with both their parents but he's decided to act as if their joint child has split parents.

DarkCorner · 23/12/2021 20:00

Its crap and I understand your annoyance. But is there a middle way? eg go to centre parks for a week, his kids come till Christmas Eve (say) and you do a “Christmas dinner” one day then he takes them back to mums and the rest of you stay till Boxing Day? Its not like he can prevent Christmas Day from happening by not going away but it might make him feel like his kids are involved too. I can understand the anxiety of feeling like “oh, I have a new family now” about his kids as I have a DS with ex and a baby Dd with DP and it has made me feel horrible at times when we do things without ds. Although I haven’t prevented DP from doing things with dd because of it because that wouldn’t be fair but I can understand the emotion behind it.

Tattler2 · 23/12/2021 20:22

Again, I am confused. As of yet , they do not have a joint child, and by next Xmas they baby will be very young and not very aware of Xmas or travel.

I did not get the impression that the partner was saying that he was adverse to travel with the OP or their blended family. At most, he seemed to be saying no to next Xmas. That is hardly setting a trend or pattern.

The OP is pretty rigid herself in stating that Xmas is the only time that she is willing to visit this site. That being said , she should take her children and go. The partner can do whatever he chooses to do on Xmas, and they have the remainder of the year for other elective travel.

There are many families that do split travel at various times of the year, and an infant is really not missing out on anything of which they are going to be aware or enjoy.

SpiderFluff · 23/12/2021 20:30

Again, I am confused are you really confused?

OP wants to do something to create memories with her children, her new baby and her husband/partner. Her husband/partner is refusing to be part of this version of the family unit because the rest of the family unit can't go. It sets a precedent for any future scenario where the rest of the family miss out every year because their mum refuses to let the DSC spend Christmas with dad. So where does it stop? They can't have a nice Christmas dinner until DSC are allowed to join in? They can't go out for a birthday meal without them? If the family can't adapt and do things with whoever is available at the time they will hardly ever do anything.

Original poster

time2tork · 23/12/2021 20:57

Yes. To be honest, his Dad guilt is driving me insane and it seems to be getting worse with the pregnancy. Although he is so supportive and even admits he has the time for a baby now (more so than when his children were babies) and is looking forward to it.

But is he? If now, he can't live life because his kids aren't here.

His children have a huge family gathering with their Mum (that includes DP family that refuse to see us since he's been with me and have every excuse in the book not too) - so they will be hardly missing out on anything.

Honestly, I didn't think we'd ever have a conversation go the way this one went.

OP posts:

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 22:09

@SpiderFluff

Yeah, you're right. I guess I was thinking that we get SD for 'extra' time sometimes if it's for something nice, and vice versa. But actually every other Christmas isn't 'extra'. Sounds like he needs to properly sort out Christmas contact, or accept it as is and make it nice for the other kids.

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