AIBU next Christmas

[time2tork]

So, we have NO kids this Christmas as they are all with the other parents.

I have 2 girls 7&9, DP has 13&14 year old boy and girl.

I have our baby on the way.

Next year I want to go to Centre Parcs for Christmas. My reasons for going at Christmas is because I love the build up, I think the children do too.

I cannot endure Centre Parcs any other time of year because we live in a forest, by a beach and have many pools and splash parks available so as above the only reason for Christmas is because it's like living in a magical Christmas land - something I have done with my children before we got together.

However DP is saying no because his ex wife never lets us have his kids on Christmas.

If we carry on like this, my two children and our shared child will never be able to do anything because of my DP ex wife not letting us have the children.

They will soon be old enough to make up their own minds anyway. But it's still annoying. I vision me and my 2 girls plus our baby will be 9 months having a nice Christmas in a lodge - but DP is against it because his children will miss out. Whereas, it's not mine or my 3 other childrens fault his ex wife won't let his kids come!

How petty am I being for being upset.

I’d tell him to tell his ex that you’ll be going with the other three, you’ll be inviting their children too as he’s never had a Christmas with them… and it’s up to her to be the one deciding that they aren’t allowed to go because she won’t let them ever have a Christmas with their other side of the family.

Why does he allow his EX to dictate this? If you don't already have a court order in place, he should seek one immediately, then just do the things you want to do when it's your time. there is one but sometimes he wants to see them more. Or there's a family event or something.

@Starseeking
I think that you were correct in that you did not get together with your partner to have to pretend that you were single every other weekend, but by the same coin perhaps your partner did not get together with you to have to pretend that he wss the father of one or two father than the father of three for the better part of most weeks.?

I think many men solve their dilemma by deciding to do certain things when all of their children are together. I don't think that messages that one child is more or less than another what it says is that in the dad's mind they are all equal.

It may not be the most convenient way to solve the problem, but in many senses it is the most equitable. It may mean that both sets of children have certain experiences when only the mom is present , but that happens in all families at various times. Those are some of the complications that come with choosing to have children with a partner who has already fathered children with 1 or more different partners. It is the opportunity cost that comes with that decision.

It is unfortunate when the various mothers of the partner's children choose to suggest to them that they are some how second class because they have to share experiences with all of their siblings.

Few children ,on their own, are likely to think that getting the same thing at the same time as their siblings is somehow giving the less. They realize that they and all of their siblings are in fact getting exactly the same thing at the same time. No child has to be denied any experience what the fortunate few are denied is the other parent's negative spin on the experience.

Many times in life the quality or quantity of experiences that our children can and do have are based upon the choices that we make in deciding with whom and when to have a child.

I think many men solve their dilemma by deciding to do certain things when all of their children are together. I don't think that messages that one child is more or less than another what it says is that in the dad's mind they are all equal. I think it sends the message that the child who is there all the time is not enough. Through no fault of their own their siblings are elsewhere so their life has to be dull until they are there again?

@Tattler2

Very true!

I am going to suggest we take our children and mine on the 4 days we have them.

And so his children don't miss out, on the 4 days we have them (when mine are with their dad) that we repeat centre Parcs.

Which is just ridiculous because his teenagers will not want to go and our 9 month old, as said will barely remember -

But atleast that way no one "misses" out, we just aren't all there at the same time because it's fucking impossible sometimes!!!!

So let's throw 20 grand to centre Parcs to make every bloody person happy.

I don't even want to bother now. Maybe I should have said nothing at all!!!!!!!!

@OP, you could have asked all of the kids what would they like to do as a group after Xmas when they are all together. If the intent was to create a blended family activity why not get input from all of the family members? Buy-in from everyone would surely do away with all of the grief and hassle. If you wanted Xmas in a lodge, this would have been an ideal time for you and your partner to go at a time when you are child free. It does seem that this experience matters to you in ways that it may or may not matter to any or all of the kids.

You have a real family and not a fantasy family. Experiences will need to be informed by the reality that is your life rather than some fantasy expectation of what your life should be.

You are having what may be your last childfree Xmas. Enjoy this time for what it is. Next Xmas will be shared with a new baby; maybe that fact alone will make it a joyous family Xmas for all of you.

@Tattler2 What would your response be to a 3 year old who tells you we can't go to the park today because we have to wait for DSS to be here?

What do you think that does to this DC's sense of self-esteem when the message they are being given is that NOTHING happens in their own home without their DSS, who only stays there for 4 days every month? (EOW access pattern)

This was my reality, and it wasn't one I was prepared to live with, hence leaving. I'm infinitely sad for my DC that they no longer have their dad full-time.

We are shaped by experiences from our childhood, and I still carry scars from my mum treating my brother as the golden child, and we were a nuclear family (parents have been married almost 50 years)! I didn't want my DC to feel second best, as as they got older, they'd subconsciously have absorbed the message that they were not enough, not that dads trying to treat his DC equally.

I'll be back in a minute on some of other points you made.

@SpiderFluff

I think many men solve their dilemma by deciding to do certain things when all of their children are together. I don't think that messages that one child is more or less than another what it says is that in the dad's mind they are all equal. I think it sends the message that the child who is there all the time is not enough. Through no fault of their own their siblings are elsewhere so their life has to be dull until they are there again?

Everything you said here in response to Tattler2, I agree with.**

@Tattler2 when I met my DP I was single, with no DC of my own. How could I have known that he would expect any DC of ours to do nothing fun when DSS was not around? Given DSS was on an EOW contact pattern, in reality this meant he was with us 4 days a month. I wouldn't have expected my DP to absent himself from activities with our DC given we lived together, and he did not live full-time with DSS' mother. It's ludicrous to pretend it is the same situation, despite him being the father of all.

I think many men solve their dilemma by deciding to do certain things when all of their children are together. I don't think that messages that one child is more or less than another what it says is that in the dad's mind they are all equal.

I think that is where many men go wrong, and in any case DC are not mind readers. What they will see is that they are only allowed to go places when their sibling is there. Many woman in relationships, and I include myself in that, would naturally expect to do family activities with their DP in their free time. If the DP states this intention at the outset of the relationship I doubt many women would hang around long enough to have DC with him.

I made sure to include DSS in any holidays we went on, indeed I also organised and paid for them (that's a whole other thread!), however DP also refused to go abroad because DSS' mum wouldn't allow it as she said he was too young from age 4-10. So my DC had to miss out because EXDP refused to go without DSS. Yes, I could have booked and gone without him, but funny enough I didn't fancy wrangling 2 DC under 2 onto a plane and abroad by myself, especially when I had a partner who was the father of said DC! One of my DC has SEN so requires extra support.

In my experience men with this attitude have a warped sense of how to manage boundaries and relationships, whether that's with their EXDW, DP and DC, resident or otherwise, and lack true emotional intelligence.

@Tattler2

We had planned a holiday abroad over this Christmas while we were child free.

We had to cancel it when rules changed because of coronavirus.. they wouldn't let me in the country because I am unvaccinated.

(Getting vaccinated when I give birth, I've already had Covid while pregnant so unlikely to get it from now until birth etc)

@Tattler2

I do not want to go to Centre Parcs - I can't stand the place - but I know it's lovely at Christmas and when I was a single mum, me and my current children used to go at Christmas every year.

I was just excited about doing it for the kids.. didn't realise that because the other 2 are with their mum that I couldn't do things with my current kids /pending baby..

@Starseeking
My response to my three year old would be "honey, get your coat so that we can go." What woman is so incapable that she needs to have a partner accompany her or give her permission to take her child anywhere? What experience , other than a wedding or graduation, is so unique that it is dependent upon both parents' presence to be enjoyable for a child?

When I was married, my children's father's profession was one that limited his time availability to do many things. My children were not denied the opportunity to have experiences because of that; nor were those experiences less enjoyable because their father could not be there. My children, like most children, knew that they were loved by both parents and they did not measure the quality or quantity of that love by whom took them to a particular activity.

By your equation, children of fathers in the military must never get to go very many places and must often feel second best to dad's job or career. My children were proud of their father's career and never felt that his absence in any way reflected on his love for them.

If anyone can understand the mind set of men please let me know.

The summer just gone, my mum got married - My children were invited, my partner and his children were invited for a big family even ( I wasn't pregnant at the time)

My DP decided he WASNT going to bring his children... we were staying in a fancy hotel at a golf club, his kids were invited, but he decided NOT to include them to this FAMILY event.

Seriouslyyyyyyyyyyyy

@Tattler2 that is completely different and insulting to those in the military or with commitments that mean they can't go. In OP's case the DH is choosing not to go.

My response to my three year old would be "honey, get your coat so that we can go"

I'm very glad you said that @Tattler2, i didn't want to lead you there, however it is identical to what I said. And off we went. The difference was that DP refused to come too. Not because he was busy, but because his DS was not staying that weekend. This is just one example, I have many many more, some of which I have previously written about on MN. As I couldn't live like that I left, but I DO think it gives DC the message that they are not important or valued as individuals by their father, but only when part of the sibling group.

The military example isn't comparable, as that is to do with work, not an active choice by the father based on his DC.

@time2tork

If anyone can understand the mind set of men please let me know.

The summer just gone, my mum got married - My children were invited, my partner and his children were invited for a big family even ( I wasn't pregnant at the time)

My DP decided he WASNT going to bring his children... we were staying in a fancy hotel at a golf club, his kids were invited, but he decided NOT to include them to this FAMILY event.

Seriouslyyyyyyyyyyyy

What reason did he give for that?

@Starseeking

There was NO reason.
It would have been a nice opportunity for us all to finally get a family picture and socialise as the blended family we are.

I didn't encourage he get them if he didn't want too - I never really brought it up.

But to be honest, now I look back - I imagine his ex wife would have kicked up a fuss anyway and wouldn't have wanted her children doing a "family event" if she wasn't included with them.

It's all so petty.

My DP and his ex wife are 20 years older than me and my ex husband and being younger we are so much more chilled and less petty...

I can kind of see why he has an ex wife tbh.

Don't chalk his crappy behaviour up as "oh men". It's him specifically.

So let's throw 20 grand to centre Parcs to make every bloody person happy.

At best it seems to make one person happy. At worst nobody. I certainly don't see it making everyone happy (it won't make you happy and you're a person).

Instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to appease him (does he ever do that for you btw?), what happens if you stand your ground and point out he's being unfair and unreasonable?

@user15364596354862

It's just something I did with my children prior to partner as a single mum and we have fond memories -

You know, just maybe for a moment I forgot I was in a blended family and everyone else matters before what I'd like to do with my kids.

Although then, my only option is to do stuff Solo - fine.

He actually was the one who left, and compensated the Ex Wife A LOT for it. So they live a very comfortable life and has never had to work nor will she again when his pension kicks in for her - whereas we work our arses off to keep building to what we have.

Ughhh never mind

Wow!
Latest development.. DSD has texted to say not to pick her up on the day we are having OUR Christmas Day with ALL the children which is on 27th this year.

Because she wants to be with her friends so instead she gets collected on 28th.

Well, no I'm not telling my younger kids to wait a day before opening their presents or eating their fave Christmas foods.

DP has said nothing but agreed to let his daughter miss out on what will be OUR family Christmas Day. Which his Son will also miss out on as he's not doing the 6 hour round trip on a Monday and then a Tuesday.

Ok, so when they decide they want to miss out it's all ok - but if I go ahead and plan something when they aren't here then I'm leaving them out

This time of year brings out everything doesn't it! Coupled with my pregnancy hormones.

I wasn't saying you were wrong to want to spend Christmas at CP with your children. You've explained perfectly why you wish to do so and I don't see anything wrong with it at all. It sounds a nice thing to do.

What I was challenging was your proposal to let him override you as if your voice is only worth half of his, and doing a second trip so you can take kids who don't even want to go. That makes no sense at all and I don't understand why you would submit to such an outrageous demand.

Why can't you stand your ground in the face of such nonsense and selfishness? He's basically demanding that you and your children will always come in second place to his older children. Never get to have experiences with their family unit unless non-resident half siblings are available. Aside from the impracticalities, that's not going to do their self-esteem a whole lot of good.

Any normal person would be infuriated. I don't think pregnancy hormones are required.

OP, all choices come with some opportunity cost. Your partner wanted freedom and it required the splitting and sharing of.marital assets. That is not a gift or compensation to his ec. That is doing what is required by law.

Your family will only be a blended family if and when all of your children feel like they are a part of your combined unit. Until then , they are your children, his children, and your soon to be our child. Blending results from feelings and not from proximity.

When his children of the own volition want to spend Xmas with you as a group and not simply because a court order or their mom makes them come then you will be close to being a blended family. Until then settle for having disparate groupings and separate holidays. Separate is not bad and for a while it just may be your reality..

Relationships develop and evolve. They cannot be manufactured simply because mom or dad finds a new partner.

I dont get it. You live somewhere that sounds like centreparcs and you are stressing because Dh doesnt want to go to actual centre parcs next year.
Ive never been to cp or had the inclination to do so - going on hols where you actually live sounds a lot more fun.

Why does he allow the childrens mother to be such a selfish cow.?

How utterly awful she doesn't allowed the kids Xmas with their father.

Karma will bite her back as soon the kids will be old enough to decide and hopefully choose never to spend it with her again for being so selfish

@Wafflesnsniffles Yes we live in a UK Holiday/Instagram hotspot.