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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU next Christmas

84 replies

time2tork · 23/12/2021 16:17

So, we have NO kids this Christmas as they are all with the other parents.

I have 2 girls 7&9, DP has 13&14 year old boy and girl.

I have our baby on the way.

Next year I want to go to Centre Parcs for Christmas. My reasons for going at Christmas is because I love the build up, I think the children do too.

I cannot endure Centre Parcs any other time of year because we live in a forest, by a beach and have many pools and splash parks available so as above the only reason for Christmas is because it's like living in a magical Christmas land - something I have done with my children before we got together.

However DP is saying no because his ex wife never lets us have his kids on Christmas.

If we carry on like this, my two children and our shared child will never be able to do anything because of my DP ex wife not letting us have the children.

They will soon be old enough to make up their own minds anyway. But it's still annoying. I vision me and my 2 girls plus our baby will be 9 months having a nice Christmas in a lodge - but DP is against it because his children will miss out. Whereas, it's not mine or my 3 other childrens fault his ex wife won't let his kids come!

How petty am I being for being upset.

OP posts:

harryclr · 23/12/2021 22:15

@Tattler2

Maybe you are stressing about something that will not be a problem. In any case what will prevent you and your 3 children from spending Xmas wherever you want to spend Xmas? You are his partner not his captive. It is also possible that his older children may or may not wish to spend Xmas in that location.

Why are you assuming that you and your children cannot spend Xmas in the location of your choice? If his ex never let's him have his children for Xmas , how does that prohibit you from taking your children some place? He may or may not wish to go without his children, but again how does that prevent you from going?

You seem to be looking for a solution to something that is not a problem.

Isnt it sad though that so many SMs and our children have to either totally miss out or go on their own without DP!? Their Father should be with them. I see this suggestion made so much on MNs and its just sad, shows again the real split there is between Mother (SM) with her our children and Father and his previous children (SC). How are you supposed to explain to the our children? Oh yeh sorry; your dad doesnt want to come with us and have a nice family experience between the other kids cant come...incredibly unfair.

uneffingbelievable · 23/12/2021 22:31

How long have you two been together and how long has he been split from his Ex.

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 22:38

I agree.

Of course it must be painful to not see some of your children at Christmas time. And most of the time, I think it is important to try and work things out so you all do get to spend special occasions together, when you can. But if that is not possible, it would be a real shame for his feelings about that to mean that his youngest can never have the lovely Christmas that their own mum wants them to have. As an adult and a parent to the new baby, too, it is DPs responsibility to process his feelings of sadness and guilt, and either take action to change the situation if he can, or work on not letting those feelings impact the upbringing he gives to ALL of his children.

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 22:39

That was to @harryclr

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/12/2021 00:48

Isnt it sad though that so many SMs and our children have to either totally miss out or go on their own without DP!?

I’m married and go on holiday with the kids if DH is working or doesn’t fancy it - that’s the reality. Go or stay home …. I’m going!

Tattler2 · 24/12/2021 01:02

@harryclr
To date the OP's children have not had to do without anything with their father as far as we know, and the child that she is expecting with her partner has not yet been born. It is unlikely that this child will be aware of Xmas and where and with whom he is she is sl

CherryBlossomAutumn · 24/12/2021 01:05

Honestly I think it would be lovely if your kids and the baby could just spend Christmas with you in Centre Parcs and your DP goes to his parents/family instead.

Your kids will really appreciate being with you and their little sibling, and it will be a lovely memory. If he comes along, all cross then he will ruin it anyway.

Tattler2 · 24/12/2021 01:09

Spending Xmas for several years. All of the things that people are suggesting may or may not come to fruition, but as of today the partner has not denied the OP the opportunity to spend Xmas with her children at the location of her choice. His kids are quite a bit older than her kids and may or may not wish to spend Xmas at that location.

If OP and her partner cannot agree on a hypothetical situation that has so many moving parts, it does little to suggest that their future together is going to be filled with harmony and mutual agreement.

Better to deal with this Xmas and to let next Xmas take care of itself.

harryclr · 24/12/2021 01:43

[quote Tattler2]@harryclr
To date the OP's children have not had to do without anything with their father as far as we know, and the child that she is expecting with her partner has not yet been born. It is unlikely that this child will be aware of Xmas and where and with whom he is she is sl[/quote]
Thats not the point though, whether children remember or not. There will be pictures that they will see in the future and the Mother deserves to have times and memories with her family together

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 01:46

but as of today the partner has not denied the OP the opportunity to spend Xmas with her children at the location of her choice he's denied the children his presence. Making it clear without his other children they are not worth his time

Starseeking · 24/12/2021 06:47

You're not being unreasonable for being upset at all.

I lived this dynamic, and became very resentful of my EXDP. One if the reasons I left him in the end was tat I didn't want our DC growing up with the notion that they were second best to DSS. My DC weren't allowed to go the toy shops/the park/get haircuts/have fun on a weekend when DSC was not there. If any of those activities or similar took place on a non-DSS weekend, EXDP would refuse to participate, then make sure DSS knew it was nothing to do with him, and he hadn't been part of it. I didn't get together with DP so I could pretend to be a single mum EOW, it's a rubbish way to live.

People can suggest that the OP goes on the holiday without her DP, but why on earth should she live as if she is a single mum, when she has a partner??? I wouldn't expect to go on holidays by myself if I had a DP, as I'd have thought we'd go together as a family and enjoy the time together. The fact that the DSC can't come due to their DM refusing shouldn't have any impact on what this family group do on their leisure time. As for the suggestions that OP goes with 3DC alone and her DP joins his first family, I have no words.

I don't know how you get through to your DP, as I wasn't able to get through to mine, but you have my utmost sympathies as I know exactly how you feel.

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 07:23

Yeah, you're right. I guess I was thinking that we get SD for 'extra' time sometimes if it's for something nice, and vice versa. sorry if I was a bit strong! I just hate how my DH has to ask to have his own children and explain what it is he wants to do before he is allowed "extra" time.

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 07:26

@Starseeking that sounds so extremely sad. I agree my suggestion to just go anyway was because I thought OP shouldn't miss out because her partner won't go. I do agree with you though, he should be going and not fussing about DSC not being there. Its a choice he made when they got separated. And like you say OP shouldn't have to live like a single mother EOW or whatever it is when she isn't.

Starseeking · 24/12/2021 07:50

@SpiderFluff

This is exactly what my EXDP did! He would do NOTHING with our DC on non-DSS weekends. He effectively treated his resident DC as non-resident. I realised I couldn't bring them up like that when this treatment became more apparent as they got older.

Now, my EXDP is able to treat all his DC as non-resident, because finally they are!

Starseeking · 24/12/2021 07:51

@SpiderFluff

Why does he allow his EX to dictate this? If you don't already have a court order in place, he should seek one immediately, then just do the things you want to do when it's your time.

Unity1 · 24/12/2021 07:59

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

So his dc are with their dm this year then surely with df next year?

Ah I wish it were this simple. My husband's ex also refuses to let him have the DC every single Christmas (despite the fact they live with us 50/50). It's an absolute fight every year just to let them come round for a few hours in the evening (they live close by).

coraka · 24/12/2021 08:20

How many years have they been separated? Do they have a formal contact agreement?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 24/12/2021 08:28

I'm not sure 14/15 to olds would be that interested in going to Center Parcs and doing all the Christmas activities anyway.

Center Parcs do the Christmas stuff from the end of November, can you not go then to avoid it being actually being Christmas time but still enjoy the build up?

Doyoumind · 24/12/2021 08:44

I can't see a 14 and 15 yo wanting to spend Christmas at center parcs either.

But he could have sorted having them for Christmas when they were younger if he really wanted to. So I don't understand why he has dad guilt now. As PP said, that's on him.

Original poster

time2tork · 24/12/2021 09:06

@Starseeking
Now, my EXDP is able to treat all his DC as non-resident, because finally they are!

Love this 😂 the only thing I'm not enjoying is how I'm being made to sound like I'm not "including" the step kids.

There are SO many moving parts. 2 1/2 journeys to each of the other parents and we live near a Centre Parcs - (it's not about that anymore) but it's not something amazing we are doing without SC on purpose.

If my children go to their dads on 27th, I only get the 23-27 to go to Centre Parcs as they break up from school on say the 18th and spend a couple of days with their dad - if the ONLY time I have to do things with MY children is on actual Christmas when my Step Children are with their Mum doing fun things then I will do what I want with my children in the time that I have regardless of what Day!!!

Not possible to go in November, there are 3 different schools to contend with, a 6 hour round trip to pick up SC to go somewhere that's 30 minutes from our home that they probably won't want to go to anyway.

They are teenagers and just want their phones and x box and to be fed!

thanks for your responses everyone.

As soon as my morning sickness wears off I'm going to forget every mentioning a plan without DSC and hope that I'm not acting a single mum EOW when they aren't here...

Although being a single mum doesn't terrify me because it was the most magical time of my life bringing up my girls alone with no "restrictions" as to what we did.

Merry Christmas from a blended family to yours. 😂

OP posts:

Starseeking · 24/12/2021 09:17

Haha, my point about single mums wasn't to suggest it is a bad thing; I am now one myself, and feel so free having left my EXDP for a myriad of reasons, one of which was having to do so much with our DC on my own because just the thought of doing anything in DSS absence paralysed him.

My comment about having to act like a single mum, despite having a DP, is to emphasise that you shouldn't have to behave as if you are on your own, because your DP wants to act as if decisions taken outside your house are your fault. It makes no sense whatsoever.

Try and get through this Christmas successfully, then maybe bring up the conversation of next Christmas when you have to book Center Parcs. Hopefully by then your DP will be able to accept that his EX should not and cannot be allowed to dictate what goes on in your house.

Blendiful · 24/12/2021 09:22

YANBU

Go anyway. Book it for you and your kids. He can join or not. His problem in this scenario is the Exw not you. He’s projecting it onto you though.

He needs to man up and sort contact out properly. None of us like being without our kids at Xmas but we make sacrifices for them. My DC do half and half Xmas day. My ExH doesn’t do 50/50 any other time not even close! He does probably 70/30 and none of the day to day stuff (gp, parents eve, clubs, admin etc)

But I still do 50/50 Xmas cause the kids want to see their dad! He doesn’t deserve it and I hate giving that time up for that reason as I always have to share the good bits but get to do 100% of the crappy bits. But it’s about the kids so I do.

If he can’t stand up to his exw and his kids miss out because of that that’s his problem, not yours.

Original poster

time2tork · 24/12/2021 09:36

@Blendiful Thanks. It is a bit sucky.

His head seems to be in a place that I'm purposely doing things without the Step Kids.. rather than his ex wife won't let us have them.

Typical man blaming anyone but himself - if he felt this way then he shouldn't have left!

Everything has been fine up until this suggestion I made, I'm wondering if he is just feeling pressure because of the new baby.

It's already egg shells because my Step Daughter is not happy that it's a girl and she won't be "daddy's only girl" anymore.

Although I'm trying to tell her that nothing won't change because due to the 13 year age gap, the needs of her and the babies are so different you can't compare and we can still be there for her and her needs too!

Whereas - my children (who live with us) who are also girls, have no problem having another girl around. We are all Girl Power in this house so it's usually all good!

OP posts:

Original poster

time2tork · 24/12/2021 09:41

Sorry for my terrible glamour "nothing won't change" I meant, "nothing will change"

I'm typing too quick for my brain 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

time2tork · 24/12/2021 09:41

GRAMMAR not glamour.

Omg I give up 😂

OP posts:

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