My adult step son is 22 and normally lives in another country with his mum. I am used to him spending approx 5 months of the year with us and has done this for as long as I have known him (since he was a teenager).
I care about him very much but he has definitely not been raised in a way I will will raise my children. He lacks any independence and acts very young for his age.
He has decided he wants to work in the same country as his dad and in the same line of work, and his dad is supporting him in doing this. So he has now moved in with us, but it feels like it is on a more permanent basis than normal.
We assume he will be moving out and getting his own place/flatshare in a few months and will be encouraging him to do so. I feel this is coming from me especially as I cannot have another man child in the house that I have to take care of. I have a toddler and a baby, a husband who doesn't cook (but does a lot of other things), and I don't want/need a young adult to add to the mix.
My issue is that although he is a nice guy he is completely useless at life and very selfish by nature.
For example:
- when he isn't working he is exclusively in his room, only comes out for food
- he offers no help/support with kids or anything round the house unless explicitly asked and I am sick of having to ask every single time
- he will receive Xmas presents from all the family, his grandparents, aunt, us etc, but buys nobody else anything...not his dad, or his new little brothers
- I arranged a breakfast with Santa with my other friends at the weekend in the city for my kids and said if he wanted he could come...he came, ate and spoke to no one and didn't even get up to see his brothers meet Santa for the first time. Just wasn't interested. It just comes across as so so rude...I don't want to exclude him but would rather he didn't come if he will just sit there looking bored.
- I'm hurt at his disinterest in his brothers
- he never initiates conversation with anyone but expects everyone to come to him and ask him questions (he won't ask any back).
We have a good relationship (he talks to me and tells me more about his life than his dad), but I am finding him draining and hard to live with. If I don't cook and serve dinner for him etc he just won't eat. I care about him and hate to see him getting skinny but I can run after him. His dad works all the time so it is always me that is with him when he is at the house and I am being driven mad.
His dad now says he might stay with us for 6 months. When I said no way, I am being accused of making him choose between me and his son. I just don't think it is fair that I am in this situation when he is an adult?
I am also stepping back and no longer cooking any dinner etc for him or his dad as I am sick of doing all the running and getting nothing in return.
So I guess I am asking if I need to be more tolerant? Am I an evil step-mother?