It's the most wonderful time of the year!

[PeeAche]

This is neither a rant nor a "seeking advice" thread - but, inspired by another thread about "second Christmas" - I'm curious to know what "tolerance" or "concessions" other step parents have learned to make at this time of year. Perhaps something you wouldn't have done with your own kids? Perhaps something you grit your teeth through every year.

I have three:

1. Every other year, I used to have to cook 2 Christmas dinners: 1 on Christmas Day and 1 on second Christmas, when we had the SC. It took me several years to grow enough baubles to say "No! This year, second Christmas is a buffet." I think everyone was relieved tbh. 😅

An update on my Christmas debacle.

My utterly shit husband (who will be an ex husband in 2022 frankly) is upping the ante with his crap. He’s throwing a big strop and claiming that I am ‘punishing’ him because I am not waiting til he gets here to start Christmas Day.

We aren’t living together at the moment because he’s so impossible to live with (especially when the SC are around). So he’s made arrangements to do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at his house with the SC. Fine.

Well it would be fine if he weren’t trying to pretend that this is him prioritising me and our toddler. He keeps banging on about how we must put our relationship first and our family. And then he makes arrangements the exact opposite of that. It seems that what he means is that I put him first and arrange everything around him and he does exactly what he likes.

Can anyone see why he might have been impossible to live with, especially when the SC were around?

Anyway, what makes his actual plan not fine at all, is that he actually expects me to make a toddler wait to open any presents or do anything nice on Christmas Day until his father seems it convenient to see him (coincidentally at the point where it’s no longer the fun, easy bit and he’d be expected to provide the SC with lunch, rather than turning up here and making use of my efforts).

What does he imagine the toddler is going to do all morning on Christmas Day?

He is trying to gaslight me into believing that us not waiting is ‘punishing’ him.

Basically he’s livid that he’s not in control. And that any of us are more than just props in his life.

I’ll just add this to my grounds for divorce. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BeyondOurReef oh wow. How unfair on your toddler!

@BeyondOurReef I prefer to run errands rather than be the one to stay home and care for the step children. It's just my preference. And yeah, I could make him do it all - cook it, deliver it and take the step children with him. But it seems unnecessarily complicated when his parents live 0.2 miles from us and I could just pop over and pass it through the window.

Your own H is being totally unreasonable. Just fob it off and then let your toddler do pressies whenever it feels time to. If he misses it, he misses it. He can't be all places at once and he's picked. Toddler won't know the difference anyway.

My ex husband's family used to make the children wait to open presents (around 4pm.) It felt a bit harsh and the kids would be upset every year. They have zero concept of delayed gratification.

[quote Bubblty]@BeyondOurReef oh wow. How unfair on your toddler![/quote]
His actual words from an email today: “ I am not interested in your excuses because it is clear what is going on. Further punishment has been issued by not having [our toddler] wait for me on christmas morning. I will remedy this buy buying him my own far better presents than yours which he can open when I do see him.”

He’s also having a fit because, after trying to talk to him about presents and him ignoring me three times, I just bought what I’d suggested. Apparently this is me not involving him. And I should have waited til 22 December to buy our son Christmas presents.

It’s all just control and bullshit.

I’m sure DS will love opening these ‘much better presents’ bought in a panic buying last minute trip to a toy shop after work at some point on Christmas Day.

Also H, if you’re reading this, it’s not me gaslighting you. Anyone with the basic facts would agree you are in the wrong.

@PeeAche as long as it works for you!

I am just doing my own thing. He’s absolutely livid because he cannot stop me from just doing Christmas.

He’s made his choices (and they are choices - the fact he cannot be here with the SC is an outcome of his choices too). So he lives with the consequences. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH has gone out this morning in a panic and bought far too many snacks and treats as he has to make boxing day more "special". It's going to be more "special" than actual Christmas day at the moment! We've got far too much food in the house and it's making me sick knowing it's going to be wasted or met with "oh we had this at mums".

"Oh no don't eat that it's for boxing day" what? Boxing day is leftover day. They want a curry. Why is there so much other food?

Question: in your houses, does Father Christmas wrap all of the stuff that goes into the stockings?

Father Christmas 😉

No he hasn't got time for that

And he doesn't care if he painstakingly wraps them at mums

Santa does here. We do stocking roulette. Could be sweets. Could be a toy. Could be socks.

Yes. Stockings presents wrapped in tissue paper here.

I’m also that person who did Xmas eve boxes 15 years ago before they were mainstream (sorry). But the lovely thing about traditions is even though my lot are hulking teens, they still want it all. The Xmas eve box, santas stocking….the Xmas day presents are almost the boring bit (and they don’t get much).

I can say this much. I live the traditions I started when they were young. They were as much for me as they were for my children.

Do what works for you and your children. Create those memories. Spoil yourselves and your DC. Trust me, I feel like I had toddlers clambering over me yesterday. One of those toddlers is about to be taller than me. Don’t compromise one bit on anything.

Please don’t lose your special memories with your children. For someone else’s children. I say that as a mother and ex SM.

My step kids are convinced that Father Christmas will be awarding us a certificate and leaving them "extra" gifts this year for World's Best Christmas Tree. An accolade they win at their mum's house every (other) year.

"But we never win it here, Daddy"

Sigh.

"Maybe our tree just isn't as good, kids"

This dual house business is exhausting!

@sassbott

Please don’t lose your special memories with your children. For someone else’s children. I say that as a mother and ex SM.

A very important point I shall spoil my little one xxx

@PeeAche

My step kids are convinced that Father Christmas will be awarding us a certificate and leaving them "extra" gifts this year for World's Best Christmas Tree. An accolade they win at their mum's house every (other) year.

"But we never win it here, Daddy"

Sigh.

"Maybe our tree just isn't as good, kids"

This dual house business is exhausting!

I would be writing a fairly carefully crafted letter from Santa to the SC about everyone being entitled to win not just theirs and about bragging and saying kind words from and leave a lump as coal as a pre warning if they don't watch their manners.

Idk though I am Christmas grinch at moment. It's been bloody hectic