It's the most wonderful time of the year!

[PeeAche]

This is neither a rant nor a "seeking advice" thread - but, inspired by another thread about "second Christmas" - I'm curious to know what "tolerance" or "concessions" other step parents have learned to make at this time of year. Perhaps something you wouldn't have done with your own kids? Perhaps something you grit your teeth through every year.

I have three:

1. Every other year, I used to have to cook 2 Christmas dinners: 1 on Christmas Day and 1 on second Christmas, when we had the SC. It took me several years to grow enough baubles to say "No! This year, second Christmas is a buffet." I think everyone was relieved tbh. 😅

God forbid my DH could have his children on Christmas day. When I met him I suggested we had their Christmas day on Christmas eve so we did. I cooked Christmas dinner and they both said are these home made roast potatoes and Yorkshire puds. Oh god bless them I nearly cried they had seconds and loved it. But we did have surf and turf Christmas day. Just go with the flow

Brilliantly we don't need to do this from now on (adult SC) but the two stockings thing used to drive me nuts. One from their mum and one from us. We all know stocking fillers are cheap tat.

Even worse my interfering MIL used to buy the SC a sack of crap that would be opened then shoved in a cupboard for a year untouched:

Eventually 4 years ago I started going through the kids untouched stocking fillers and wrapping them up again for the next year: Neither of them noticed and it goes to shoe just how much everyone tried to "overcompensate" at Christmas for them.

Megaspoilt SD still demands stockings now and she's in her 20's, we just don't give into it

@KylieKoKo

We've split Christmas day the last few years but the kids live less than a 15 minutes walk away so they wonder over in time for Christmas dinner. It's what they want to do not some kind of weird stand off between their parents.

That sounds good and like the kids enjoy it! Hope you have a great day x

@PeeAche

I feel particularly uncomfortable because this is the furthest I have ever made it into a pregnancy after years or "unexplained infertility" and a string of losses. If I go, he and the kids will still catch it and I could be out of my home for weeks and weeks, when I'm pregnant. I need to put my foot down but it's going to be such a massive argument.

Oh you poor thing. It shouldn't even be an arguement. He's basically saying his oldest children come first, before you and the baby. Even in an actual important situation.

All for the sake of one day.

OP I think I'd be putting my foot down with a very firm hand regarding Christmas Day if I were you. Your husband is being a bloody selfish arse.

@PeeAche ohhh firstly congratulations (ttc and repeated losses can be a incredibly lonely place) 💐 I hope all goes well and I'm rooting for you !!!

You know my stance re covid and the issues I have faced with the ex and her views on Covid and the tin had parade that follows. You have my deepest sympathies, and I have 0 advice but I totally get the fear.

Genuinely though you absolutely do not have to put your self in the firing line for this, I would explain to DH you are clinically vulnerable esp with Covid and he's putting the baby at risk with his actions. Be really blunt, also if it helps my MW gave my DH a real ticking off on the subject and after a massive fight, he's now clicked. Funnily enough the ex has calmed down a bit too, but I suspect that's because cash flow for her is right. I imagine it will all kick off again.

After all you have been through you absolutely have the right to keep yourself safe and if that means LFT before SC are dropped off and anything else Covid related. Do it.

Oh peeache sending you strength to say no that is not happening. You will not expose us to COVID. Make other plans.

He's insistent that pregnant women are not high risk and to add insult to injury he keeps reminding me that I could have had the Christmas I wanted if my Nan weren't so elderly.

His brother has been out clubbing in London the night before he's supposed to travel 150 miles to see his parents (in their 60s with a heart condition), his pregnant SIL and his niece and nephew but MY grandmother is the problem.

Well, don't worry DH, she'll probably be dead by next year.

Think mine is my birthday being on Christmas Day too so not celebrating my birthday is tough for me when all of the focus is on making DSS Christmas magical and people forgetting it's my birthday, I'm used to it now but every now and then I'll get frustrated thinking why couldn't my DM hold me in for a few more days

Uk: www.bbc.com/news/health-59684926
Us: www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/need-extra-precautions/pregnant-people.html
Australia: ranzcog.edu.au/news/ranzcog-reiterates-advice-on-covid-19-vaccination
All important enough to have been updated through December. Make him read them, look you in the eye and say I’d rather have the Christmas I want than you or our baby healthy and alive. And if he can do that, kick him out.

@elfonthestairs

Think mine is my birthday being on Christmas Day too so not celebrating my birthday is tough for me when all of the focus is on making DSS Christmas magical and people forgetting it's my birthday, I'm used to it now but every now and then I'll get frustrated thinking why couldn't my DM hold me in for a few more days

Oh man this SUCKS.

My step children don't recognise my birthday either. DH tries to facilitate it but kids are just like that, so when they aren't your kids, you really can't expect too much.

But, having that day on Christmas!? Ouch! I feel for you.xxx

@elfonthestairs

Think mine is my birthday being on Christmas Day too so not celebrating my birthday is tough for me when all of the focus is on making DSS Christmas magical and people forgetting it's my birthday, I'm used to it now but every now and then I'll get frustrated thinking why couldn't my DM hold me in for a few more days

That is tough. Your husband is really letting you down there.

It’s your birthday and he wants it to be all about the DSC.

My suggestion would be to make like the queen and designate an official birthday that must be all about you.

@BeyondOurReef I've tried to have a summer date to celebrate but everyone forgets about it so I've given up haha! To be honest nowadays I just don't celebrate my birthday I don't even tell people it's coming up haha

@PeeAche no you really can't expect too much when it comes to kids haha especially when it comes to Christmas, the time they've been looking forward to all year. I'm currently pregnant so I'm hoping Mother's Day can be my day! Xx

@PeeAche

He's insistent that pregnant women are not high risk and to add insult to injury he keeps reminding me that I could have had the Christmas I wanted if my Nan weren't so elderly.

His brother has been out clubbing in London the night before he's supposed to travel 150 miles to see his parents (in their 60s with a heart condition), his pregnant SIL and his niece and nephew but MY grandmother is the problem.

Well, don't worry DH, she'll probably be dead by next year.

OP show him this:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/people-at-higher-risk/

NHS clearly listing pregnant women as higher risk from Covid.

Look after yourself OP. Let him know that he is crossing a line with this. Good luck.

I have to spend time with two step children I have almost entirely disengaged from and have seen very little of this year. DH is insisting on us spending 48 hrs in each other’s company and I’m sure they’re dreading it as much as I am. Why he keeps forcing this I’ll never know. I shan’t be making much effort it was never appreciated when I did.

@LincolnCathedral

I have to spend time with two step children I have almost entirely disengaged from and have seen very little of this year. DH is insisting on us spending 48 hrs in each other’s company and I’m sure they’re dreading it as much as I am. Why he keeps forcing this I’ll never know. I shan’t be making much effort it was never appreciated when I did.

It is bizarre that so many men seem determined to insist that their partners spend time with their children. Even knowing neither children nor partners want that.

It makes no sense.

Tough though it is I suggested the alternate years for my DC. I got last Xmas with them, which blew, because everything got cancelled and we'd been stuck at home together for over a month by that point. So we're rather sick of each other. This year it's exh's turn to have them. They're off tomorrow so they get the full Xmas eve run up with him. I hope he makes the most of it.
DP and I had a big Yule dinner the weekend just gone. The 'yule fairy' (wink wink) left some little gifts in their hats because mummy wouldn't get to see them do stockings. DD6 found this very amusing because she was in on the 'joke' and knew i was doing the gifts. What with opening pressies in bed, grandparents visiting, a big roast, a few bigger gifts it felt properly like Christmas and I'm actually happy for them to head off to their dad's for a few days. I just pray to everything holy that he manages to do the father Christmas thing well enough that DD keeps the faith for a little longer. I'll be so sad when she realises.

We're planning a fun NYE celebration to do with them when they get back. Sorry. Not really a step parent POV, but I've been struggling with the alternate Xmas thing, so it's so nice to hear that it is genuinely the better option for most children. Makes the pain worth it.

And peeache- listen to these wise women and put your foot down. You need to prioritise yourself - you are worth this.

Update on my fucked up situation: my DH has "agreed", after a blazing row, that we are going to wrap up in our thermals and visit his in laws in the morning, for the kids to open presents in the garden, at a safe distance. Then I am going to drop off 3 dinners when the food is ready, while he dishes up ours and the kids'.

The do say that in a true compromise, nobody is happy...

What about your covid free family? Are they not coming?

My Covid free family are coming on Christmas Eve as originally planned.

DH kept saying "it wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for your grandma" which just made me see red. Right, my grandma has her Christmas cancelled because she has the audacity to be elderly and this interferes with your brother's right to go out clubbing in London the night before he returns home for Christmas.

I did know my husband was a bit entitled before I married him, but this whole argument has taken the absolute biscuit.

In the end I told him that I would be packing bags for he and his kids to go and hole up in one of his parent's many empty bedrooms for a few weeks. Because there is absolutely no way I'm moving out for 10-14 days.

Good for you for holding firm. I hope he doesn’t ruin your Xmas eve by sulking.

Covid is ripping through London; I had it early December as did my kids. I know dozens of people who have now tested positive. I think I caught it at the Twickenham game (rugby). But I was quite relaxed as am not near anyone vulnerable. Your BIL would have known the chances of him catching it were super high.

That was his choice and your DH needs to have words with him for causing this situation, not you.

DH kept saying "it wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for your grandma" er.. and his unborn child and wife?!!

What a prick

This is the major issue with Covid I can see, everyone's risk perception is different.

However people with a low risk assessment of Covid tend to have opinion that actually there right to do what they and put other people at risk. I'm not saying all but many think nah I don't care now I wanna live my life, everyone will get it so why bother. Forgetting vulnerable people will have to live with the consequences of someone else's actions and since it doesn't effect them, truly a lot don't care until it directly impacts them.

@PeeAche I'm really proud for standing your ground, especially in a situation where you are already mentally vulnerable. I hope your DH will come around and start bucking up his ideas. Mine did when he was told straight that he could lose both me and this baby and the risk was very much alive and well for us. Despite people's fairly blasé attitude in general.

I'm now in my most at risk stage of pregnancy and I won't lie the statics around it are giving me the fear. I'm not sure personally I could survive if I caught Covid and lost the baby as a result or when babies born and caught it and was severely ill and didn't make it as a result .Nor could I forgive the people who put me at risk.

Not a nice way of thinking but I know my anger would be a force to be reckoned with and I would told those people accountable.

@PeeAche

Update on my fucked up situation: my DH has "agreed", after a blazing row, that we are going to wrap up in our thermals and visit his in laws in the morning, for the kids to open presents in the garden, at a safe distance. Then I am going to drop off 3 dinners when the food is ready, while he dishes up ours and the kids'.

The do say that in a true compromise, nobody is happy...

Why isn’t he delivering the food?