It's the most wonderful time of the year!

[PeeAche]

This is neither a rant nor a "seeking advice" thread - but, inspired by another thread about "second Christmas" - I'm curious to know what "tolerance" or "concessions" other step parents have learned to make at this time of year. Perhaps something you wouldn't have done with your own kids? Perhaps something you grit your teeth through every year.

I have three:

1. Every other year, I used to have to cook 2 Christmas dinners: 1 on Christmas Day and 1 on second Christmas, when we had the SC. It took me several years to grow enough baubles to say "No! This year, second Christmas is a buffet." I think everyone was relieved tbh. 😅

@BeyondOurReef I want to be your friend. I could write your post word for word. Exactly.

Yeah @Bubblty my SC are always banging on about presents at their mum's. Usually they get around 50% more than we give them. But last year they had no tree "because the dog would ruin it", no proper dinner "because the chicken was still pink in the middle and then mummy gave up and went to bed" and they were in bed themselves by 6pm because their mum's bf got wasted on tinnies and stormed out after his dinner was ruined. (They're 7 and 10 - too old for 6pm bedtimes!)

This year is our year so they'll get a bit less but we're all in the Christmas spirit!!

Aw thanks guys. Was feeling a bit rubbish about it. Especially as its the same I've spent on my own daughter.

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@BeyondOurReef I want to be your friend. I could write your post word for word. Exactly. [/quote]
I am genuinely sorry to hear you’re dealing with the same!

2022 I think will be much more final

@BeyondOurReef
You shouldn’t think of making it final you should do it! Do you really want your baby growing up and seeing just how far down on their father’s priority list they are??

Not step family related, but I’ve finally persuaded MIL that she really doesn’t need to cook a second Christmas dinner on Boxing Day when we visit!

Now they aren't happy with the gift we got for their mum. Even though when we got it they insisted it was perfect. So they are asking for us to go out shopping to get something else. No way we're hunkrring down now to reduce covid risk I'm not getting covid for their mother.

And dad's Christmas present was a chocolate cake that has to be eaten today or tomorrow

The arguing between DH and Ex EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR about who gets the DC on Christmas morning Vs Christmas evening because they won't just do the sane thing and alternate it each year.

I honestly don't give a shit now. Leave him to it and tell him not to bother me bitching about it, I do not care. I spent years with it dominating every run up to Christmas and I'm past it. I just plan Christmas for our DC now and let DH do the rest.

Ps. Don't care if that's outing.. you know it's not on if you're reading this!

@ChocolateFire

The arguing between DH and Ex EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR about who gets the DC on Christmas morning Vs Christmas evening because they won't just do the sane thing and alternate it each year.

I honestly don't give a shit now. Leave him to it and tell him not to bother me bitching about it, I do not care. I spent years with it dominating every run up to Christmas and I'm past it. I just plan Christmas for our DC now and let DH do the rest.

We alternate it now. It is sooo much better. And yeah I don't care either way we'll have fun whichever day it is. This year mum decided she didn't want the kids even tho it was her turn just coz her boyfriend didn't have his. What the actual?!

SS is an adult now but every year we had his mum telling us what time to pick him up, me rushing to make Christmas lunch so we could pick him up on time and then just as I was dishing up (her timing was impeccable) she’d text to tell us they hadn’t had their lunch yet and we couldn’t pick him up for a few hours. The reason for this was that she’d send the poor kid to his ex step dad’s in the morning so he’d go to 3 different houses and only spend a few hours with his mum and siblings. One year we went to my parents’ for lunch and I went to pick SS up so DH could have a drink, and on the way back to my mum’s I discovered that he hadn’t been given any Christmas lunch at all! Luckily we had enough left overs to scrape one together but all the best bits like Yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes had gone as we didn’t know he wasn’t going to have been fed. None of it was SS’s fault, it was all her.

@LadyCatStark 3 houses on one day. Poor kid!

I am 14 weeks pregnant and DH's brother has just announced he has tested positive for Covid... and he's staying at their parents at the moment. He travelled back from London on Saturday, after a massive night out clubbing on the Friday.

In laws seem resigned to having the Covid, so aren't making him self isolate within their house. Even though they have seven bedrooms (many with en-suite) 2 kitchens and a granny flat in the basement. Now DH says they're coming anyway. Even though they all will have Covid by then. Because if they don't come, it's "not the Christmas he had planned for the kids".

My grandmother is 93 so I've had to tell my family that we're hosting 3 people on Christmas Day who knowingly have Covid. My family have gone mental about it, because I'm pregnant and because they now have 5 days to find something else to do for Christmas / buy everything they need for Christmas.

Meanwhile, I'm bracing myself for pregnancy Covid. But, you know. As long as the kids get the day he planned. Covid and all. I could weep.

WTF OP?! I would be leaving them all to their Covid Christmas and telling them to sod off! That's completely insane!

Came on to say things I have learnt:-

I will buy my daughter whatever the fuck I feel like buying her without worrying that everything is equal.

No one, I mean NO ONE needs a Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve and then again on Christmas Day. Xmas Eve dinner this year will be a a takeaway.

@PeeAche Mate, I don't always agree with everything on the step parenting board and can sometimes be robustly MN-bingo in my replies BUT in the name of all that is holy, you cannot host people who have been in direct contact with Covid when you're pregnant.

Pack up the baby and head to your mum's tomorrow, there's still plenty time for food shopping and all that malarkey if you go soon. Leave DH and the Typhoid Marys to it. He's a fool for doing it and negligent to be exposing his kids to it, but that's not your problem. Get out of there and protect yourself as much as you can.

@PeeAche You need to give your head a wobble. You're not protecting your baby. You cannot knowingly be in contact with people who have covid. Go to your mums!

@PeeAche honestly do not do it; he is ridiculous to expect you to do that. The kids don’t come before your health.

Mine is the lack of gratitude from DSD and the lack of flexibility in plans; I have to squeeze in seeing my family as DSD comes first but that actually means that what DH wants to do with DSD comes first

I’m sorry @BeyondOurReef - sending love and support.

Agree with PPs, you can't seriously be even considering this surely OP?

You're pregnant. Go to your mum's!

Adult stepchild here. You stepmoms doing Christmas buffet rather than second full Christmas dinner, and not forcing a split of Christmas Day, and realising that making kids feel they HAVE to spend Christmas with their parents…

THANK YOU.

I wish my parents and step parents had had such sense. I bloody hate Christmas because of all this shit, and I think it’s made my DH hate it too.

@PeeAche. Is your DH trying to kill you?
Honestly? That is taking the whole "kids come first" too far. I'm really angry. You could die if you catch covid. Does he not care about you and tour unborn child? What an absolute arse. I would consider moving in with your parents and leaving him. He has shown such narrow sightedness.

@RandomCatGenerator thanks it is a battle hard won but there is really no point trying to force a 2nd christmas dinner on anyone.

We don't do two Christmas Days. We mostly alternate years. If we don't spend Christmas Day with them (or my own DC) then we have them on Boxing Day and it's a totally relaxed affair. No idea what happens when they're with the other parent.

My only stress is that when it's "our Christmas Day" my DH splits the day with his ex so dinner has to be done and dusted early and while I love doing all the cooking, I prefer to do it relaxed with a glass of wine in hand and it's ready when it's ready, so I don't relish the time pressure.

YY to the tedious arguing every year over who gets which part of the day. They won't alternate, both of them flat out refuse and so the children end up like a game of tug a war on the one day they should get to just do what they want and play with their presents and chill out! It used to bother me, for their sakes more than anything. It's like Christmas to them is more about them and what they get / want, rather than the children and what might be best for them. It's utterly selfish from both of them, I genuinely don't believe either of them have ever actually stopped to ask the DC what they'd like to do.

I don't care anymore either. And now we have our own DC I refuse to juggle the day around what they manage to finally agree on at the last minute. I'm not chopping and changing my DCs Christmas because them two can't act like grown ups.