It's the most wonderful time of the year!

[PeeAche]

This is neither a rant nor a "seeking advice" thread - but, inspired by another thread about "second Christmas" - I'm curious to know what "tolerance" or "concessions" other step parents have learned to make at this time of year. Perhaps something you wouldn't have done with your own kids? Perhaps something you grit your teeth through every year.

I have three:

1. Every other year, I used to have to cook 2 Christmas dinners: 1 on Christmas Day and 1 on second Christmas, when we had the SC. It took me several years to grow enough baubles to say "No! This year, second Christmas is a buffet." I think everyone was relieved tbh. 😅

I think they should insist in court agreements that children should not have to move between homes on Christmas day.

This thread. Staggering.

First and foremost @PeeAche, pack your bags and spend Christmas with your covid free family. Please. I am staggered that your DH is still prepared to have his family over given you are pregnant. People I think are fairly fed up and will do as they please this Christmas - but if anyone feels uncomfortable, or more importantly is vulnerable, then extra care needs to be taken!

Please just spend Christmas with your family. I’m gobsmacked actually.

@Bubblty

I think they should insist in court agreements that children should not have to move between homes on Christmas day.

Actually my DS asks to move between houses on Christmas Day. He wants to do Christmas Eve here and Christmas morning. He wants to go to his dad’s after lunch and then come home later.

I’m not sure what his dad actually does on Christmas Day or if he gets a Christmas dinner at all but he accommodates this. Last year he went to his parents and DS was disappointed he couldn’t see him on Christmas Day. So he’s accommodating DS’s wishes again this year.

@Bubblty

I think they should insist in court agreements that children should not have to move between homes on Christmas day.

Ha. Yes. My siblings and I drove over 200 miles on Christmas Day afternoon for six years. In order to eat two Christmas dinners in one day.

It’s a short walk to his dad’s house from here though.

@Bubblty if parents cannot agree to alternate, then courts will default to splitting Xmas day. And alternating it. So that one parent gets Xmas Eve/ morning and the other Xmas afternoon/ Boxing Day. It’s what happened with my exp.

He had tried to argue for the set up I have with my exh. A 4 day period over Christmas and a 4 day period over New Years. Allowing each side to have a relaxing holiday and get away to see family. More important for him as his family lives a 5 hour drive from Him, hers is local to her. The ex vehemently refused it, saying it wasn’t in the childrens best interests. Court ruled a split.

The last Xmas they had, they quibbled down to the last hour right up until Xmas Eve.

My thoughts are with all of you trying to make this work. I raise a to you all! And I hope some of you manage to have an ok day x

Fair enough if the kids genuinely want to do it I guess.

@sassbott I seee. Makes sense why it happens a lot then. Just feel bad for the kids if the parents live a long way apart.

@RandomCatGenerator that is exactly the scenario my exp kids have to go through. My heart goes out to them - sorry but I think that’s a horrible way to spend Christmas.

As my lot have gotten older, it’s a struggle to get them out of their Crimbo Jim jams, forget getting them in a car and driving them 250 miles!

@RandomCatGenerator I think this does actually call for a "Won't somebody think of the children!"

@Bubblty no kid wants to do that. No kid wants to open presents, eat some food, then be bundled up, handed over with parents who hate one another. Then be driven for 5 hours to do the same. It must be so hard to process.

Bluntly I told my exp he was as selfish as his ex and if he really loved his kids, he wouldn’t force this every Christmas. And would compromise every other year for a Boxing Day handover. He refused, saying if she didn’t compromise nor would he. Poor kids don’t get a say.

It's like rule of Solomon or whatever it is.

@PeeAche

I'm reading these bits and bobs from adult step children and vowing to never make my step children journey all over the country just to squeeze us in along with their mum and whatever in law situation they may marry into.

Sounds stressful!

It can be a bit stressful (and not pressuring your step kids sounds great). But I didn’t mean to give the impression that I don’t want to see my dad and stepmum at Christmas. They are both absolutely worth the rushing around for .

God knows they did enough rushing around for us when I was growing up!

@Bubblty

Fair enough if the kids genuinely want to do it I guess.

I think it really depends on the arrangement. Ours isn’t a weird splitting it thing. It’s DS saying he’d like to spend some time with his dad and us making it happen. There’s no disruptive travelling or weirdness. And no negotiating things down to the second. Just a general ‘I’ll come and get him after lunch for a bit and bring him back later’.

Which is the opposite of the split days or double Christmases described here.

I guess it’s not even really a split. More a visit. Like some people pop out to the pub or go for a walk, DS likes to go to hang out with his dad for a few hours. The actual contact split is always me getting the first week and my ex the second (so he can take DS to visit his family 7 hours away).

From the kids perspective it sucks to be introduced to the third stepmum in as many years on Christmas day forced to nod along with the idea that I suck and he is the best ds2 however is more blunt and was returned fast the last time because he told new "stepmum" mum buys me lots she takes care of me daddy didn't you nasty (to dad) I got " the call" he wants to come home he is upset I said OK 🤷‍♀️ bring him back he was gone an hour I barely had time to load the dishwasher

So the consseion I make is just to make no plans and stay home waiting for the inevitable return ridiculous thing is they are "two parents" he is with his aunts uncles and grandparents but they cant "cope"

@PeeAche pack up, head to your mums, and for gods sake take the naffing turkey with you! If wants to host, let him run around and cater for his picture perfect Covid Christmas.

I have mine this Christmas, they are adults so choose. Within mine too that's lots of mouths!!!

We've split Christmas day the last few years but the kids live less than a 15 minutes walk away so they wonder over in time for Christmas dinner. It's what they want to do not some kind of weird stand off between their parents.

Please dont let yourself be infected with covid when pregnant. Lots of the studies are showing its v risky to the mother to catch it when pregnant. Can you pack up your Xmas food and decamp to your Mum’s. Then they dont need to hunt for food etc and you will be safer.

@PeeAche please don't put you and your baby at risk. You shouldn't have to but go elsewhere if you can. It's not worth it

@PeeAche I'm sorry but I could no longer be with my partner if he did what yours is doing. He's an absolute shit (sorry for being so blunt) & sounds like he comes from a family of shits.
As others have said pack up & go to your mums. I don't want to sound alarmist but pregnant women are considered high risk! I know you must know this but probably feel a bit blindsided by him so you need to take the blinkers off & see this for what it is.

Yeah. I'm fucking fed up. Started this thread as a place to vent about stocking fillers and suddenly I have been blindsided today.

Whatever I do, I am not going to my mum's. 😂 She's a total nightmare!!

I feel particularly uncomfortable because this is the furthest I have ever made it into a pregnancy after years or "unexplained infertility" and a string of losses. If I go, he and the kids will still catch it and I could be out of my home for weeks and weeks, when I'm pregnant. I need to put my foot down but it's going to be such a massive argument.