I’m so angry!!

[Salsal345]

ve been extremely unwell with my sinuses this weekend, I’ve had a throbbing headache since last night and it will not go.
every weekend we have my stepson which isn’t a problem, but I feel that I’m being used as a babysitter.
My husband goes to play football on a Sunday morning and usually will go to the pub after and just presumes I will look after my stepson. This morning I explained I am not well as he is fully aware, this resulted in a full blown argument that it’s fair too cold for him to take his son, to which I replied stay home and look after your son then. To cut a long story short he left saying he couldn’t let his team down etc etc!
I am so angry that the responsibility falls on me all the time. Surely if he has access to his son every weekend then he should be taking care of his son. I don’t mind babysitting some of the time but this is getting a joke and when I’m feeling ill aswell.
I feel like my husband is the most selfish man on earth and I’m so fed up of him!

@sunshinelover69 I'm glad for you, but God you never hear stories like yours!

I actually didn't mean just men, I meant all parents, I really don't understand why you'd get involved with one without children of your own, the odds are you'll always be bottom of the pile regardless of anyone's needs or wants. That's fine if you have children of your own too as you know the score and probably think the same that it you will never be put first but it's worth it to have a sort of help-meet arrangement that fits in with the kids. I'm not sure why you'd subject yourself to it when you're still childfree and your standards for a relationship are higher. Some people are gluttons for punishment I think or just don't value themselves enough or I suppose never realised the all too common reality.

I would make it plain that you are available to do things as a family but no longer available to babysit on weekends.
If he shouts you down then you are married to a man, who has no respect for you or his son

Bloody hell. So for the tiny amount of hours he has his son, he’d sooner fuck off out then be with him. The percentage time he spends with him must be tiny.
It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on his son.

Don’t have kids with him. You can see where his priorities are.

@hamsterchump yeah I get what you're saying, also I have my own child so slightly different situation. But had I been child free I wouldn't have got involved with a man with kids. There, I've ended up agreeing with you!

OP, it does not necessarily sound like a step issue but more like a gender perception or just basic self centeredness issue.

Your partners places his wants above the needs or concerns above the other members of the household. Good suggestions about being scarce on a weekend ,but generally people whose actions are so selfish and self centered have this behavior carry over into most other aspects of their life as well.

Maybe, you can also post a calendar with timelines that you plan to be unavailable and he can post his game times. Your unavailability should reflect actual events as well as some occasional down or me time for you. Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do or post to make him sensitive or caring when you are not feeling well.

As an aside, that's what my Covid symptoms were!

Are you planning on having DC together because he's telling you that you will be the default parent and will carry on doing as he wishes.

Your DSS is 9, get him to phone his Dad to come back as he needs his lunch!

@Tattler2 I know you are all about compromise, and many of the things you post tell me that you've got a great set up and probably very happy DC/SC.

But, it's really not down to OP to be making up any calendars or schedules to facilitate her husbands football games.

He wants to go out on his sons contact time, then he makes firm, long term plans for that. Yes, OP might the willing to help out if his other plans fail for some reason, but she should not be the default and she shouldn't be the one to find a solution to the fact he doesn't want to see his kid for hours on a Sunday.

[quote excelledyourself]@Tattler2 I know you are all about compromise, and many of the things you post tell me that you've got a great set up and probably very happy DC/SC.

But, it's really not down to OP to be making up any calendars or schedules to facilitate her husbands football games.

He wants to go out on his sons contact time, then he makes firm, long term plans for that. Yes, OP might the willing to help out if his other plans fail for some reason, but she should not be the default and she shouldn't be the one to find a solution to the fact he doesn't want to see his kid for hours on a Sunday. [/quote]
100% agree with this.

@sunshinelover69
The goal of the calendar is not necessarily to facilitate anything for the partner but instead to put him on notice that she too has plans and events. Having him add his schedule forces him to see conflicts for which he needs to make alternative plans.

Posting a calendar gives a glaring visual representation of the imbalance which is hard to deny.

I'm not understanding this. The child is not yours but you are looking after him while his dad plays football? Sorry, more fool you. Stop letting him wiping his feet on you.

Next time I would go out and tell him he is his son and his responsibility to sort out. If he has no childcare the simply he can't go to football. If you don't exist then he wouldn't be able to go

he left saying he couldn’t let his team down etc etc!

What he means is that you and him are not a team and he's completely ok with letting you down. Yet you're a team when it means you taking care of his son.

@sassbott

Why are you putting up with this week in week out?

Start getting up early on a Sunday and leaving before he leaves for football. Book some Saturday nights away/ stay with friends/ family and don’t be there Sunday. Tell him you will not do this/ be available. Either he rearranges his contact, or he changes his ‘hobby’.

This. You need to be unavailable.

Well you shouldn’t need to be but in this situation you need to force the point across!

Good luck!

He'd rather let his nine year old son down than his team? Wanker.

I’m more angry with my selfish husband and I will be telling him he can look after his son next weekend. I’m sure he will try and say it’s because I don’t like his son, all lies but his way of trying to guilt trip me into looking after his son whilst he has a day of leisure!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is such an arsehole that you know they'll respond in this way?

He's not a nice person if he says and does these things. He should want to prioritise his son on the days he has him.

What a prick.

You know if this was my Dd and my ex man alive I would be angry to hear that he was dumping on SM and if I caught wind of it I would properly kick off at him (probably not the lost peaceful approach but if a parent isn't stepping up it's not for anyone else to come in and be a live in nanny)

You need to put a full stop to this. Also if he pulls the you clearly hate your DSS, I would be like no but I'm certainly disliking you and you trying to gaslight me.

Glad my DH doesn't do this, as previous posted said not all men with kids are like this but god it's a prevalent mentally, crossing over the step parent board and relationship board.

Just dump the kids with the one who has a uterus and go have fun and kick off and shame her when she says hey what about me. I think I saw a post that a couple had just had DD and he wanted to spend about 5 days off golfing each night saying he needed "his time" and everyone around him was agreeing as OP struggled alone with newborn. Crackers

What a selfish man. Can you get up before him and go out every weekend? You shouldn't have to though. That or send him an invoice each tim

He sounds a crap dad.

My son has his 2 girls (10 and 7) every other weekend. Yesterday, he took them shopping to buy presents for their mum's birthday and Christmas (she doesn't reciprocate, never gets him anything from the girls for my son for Father's Day or anything, she's a bitch) He also paid for a present and card for a kid whose party the youngest one was going to today. He took them swimming, then to Costa. Then he made pizzas from scratch (he made the dough) and watched a film with them. They went to the park this morning after he'd played board games with them, then they all came to mine for lunch, and we played games afterwards. He then took the youngest one to her party, took the other to Clip & Climb, fetched the younger one from said party, and took them home to their mother.

Your bloke needs to get his priorities right.

@hamsterchump

I dont know why people get involved with people who already have children when they have none themselves. They always get the shitty end of the stick and are last priority in every decision usually even behind the ex! The parent is always just looking for an assistant not a partner and the feelings for the new partner is never even in the same universe as the feeling for the children. There's usually a reason these people are divorced or separated with children and it's not often their winning and lovable personality.

I take quite a lot of offence to that. I don't have kids of my own and DH has never left any childcare to me. I'm not some desperate sap who was just waiting tower a man with kids and become a slave. Please stand corrected on the huge and incorrect assumptions in your post

Yet another deadbeat who somehow managed to make himself enticing enough for the next woman to marry him and palms his kid off to her with the tired old script that deadbeats like this use.

Phenomenal that there’s so many women attracted to males like this, just reinforcing to the kids that their dad really could not give a shit about them. At least you know not to reproduce with this loser OP.

I hope you don't have children with this man, OP. He's a really selfish man and a shit father.

You are 100% in the right here OP. Don't let your DH convince you otherwise! And definitely make some Sunday plans for yourself next weekend.

If my child was left with step parent babysitting, she wouldn't be going again.

The idea is to see her father. Luckily my ex thought this too.

If my child was left with step parent babysitting, she wouldn't be going again.

As it's every weekend, I'm assuming DM works weekends and the OP is picking up the slack for everyone else.

Please tell us you aren't pregnant OP. This is unlikely to get better

How long have you been together?

To ignore you and his son shows his priorities. It isn't so much letting down the team but his enjoyment of the event. If his real concern was no players for a game then he would have tried to call and check if they could miss him. He would also come home straight away. If he insists on staying for drinks then you know this is about him enjoying himself.