I’m so angry!!

[Salsal345]

ve been extremely unwell with my sinuses this weekend, I’ve had a throbbing headache since last night and it will not go.
every weekend we have my stepson which isn’t a problem, but I feel that I’m being used as a babysitter.
My husband goes to play football on a Sunday morning and usually will go to the pub after and just presumes I will look after my stepson. This morning I explained I am not well as he is fully aware, this resulted in a full blown argument that it’s fair too cold for him to take his son, to which I replied stay home and look after your son then. To cut a long story short he left saying he couldn’t let his team down etc etc!
I am so angry that the responsibility falls on me all the time. Surely if he has access to his son every weekend then he should be taking care of his son. I don’t mind babysitting some of the time but this is getting a joke and when I’m feeling ill aswell.
I feel like my husband is the most selfish man on earth and I’m so fed up of him!

Well now you know why his first wife left.
He won't change, and you are nothing more than a convenience. He doesn't give a flying fuck about you or his son. He won't change so you have a choice put up with it or leave. I know which route I'd be taking.

@Dollyparton3

Unfair, isn't it? Assumptions based on nothing other than the low opinion she has of childless women and divorced fathers in general. No room for grey areas.

I have no children of my own because I've had years of miscarriages and unexplained infertility. But I guess I'm just a loser that likes shacking up with other people's kids because I have no self respect.

I really should take the hint and go and be a childless, husbandless hag somewhere else. Leave the good men to the Real Women.

Next weekend, stay out overnight or, get up super early and quietly leave. Turn your phone off. Go shopping, go to a stately home, a spa, whatever you like doing. Return in the evening. Repeat this until he gets the message.

@SpaceshiptoMars

If my child was left with step parent babysitting, she wouldn't be going again.

As it's every weekend, I'm assuming DM works weekends and the OP is picking up the slack for everyone else.

She's picking up the slack for the dad, not the mum.

[quote Tattler2]@sunshinelover69
The goal of the calendar is not necessarily to facilitate anything for the partner but instead to put him on notice that she too has plans and events. Having him add his schedule forces him to see conflicts for which he needs to make alternative plans.

Posting a calendar gives a glaring visual representation of the imbalance which is hard to deny.[/quote]
No, OP should not need to have plans and events in the diary in order for her partner to plan on looking after his own child. She should not be his default babysitter and she shouldn't have to look after his child every Sunday because he wants to go out.

If he has a regular, longstanding arrangement on a Sunday that means more to him than spending time with his own child, then he needs to talk to his ex and sort out a new schedule. Maybe he could switch to every other weekend, and miss 2 Sundays of football a month, maybe he sees his son after school in the week instead of Sundays, maybe he sees him every Saturday and drops him back to his mum, or even to grandparents, before football on Sundays.

Yeah I agree @LittleMysSister - the OP should't have to account for her own time like this.

My stepson is no trouble to be fair but I don’t think my husband realises it’s me that has to entertain him, feed him and do all the parental duties whilst he is out having a good laugh with his friends!

No he absolutely realises. He just doesn’t care. He’s not an idiot - he knows if he’s not there then you’re entertaining and taking care of his son. But you have a vagina and therefore should feel honoured to be allowed to do this for his child.

This sucks for you and for his little boy, OP. No wonder you’re angry. I would be, too.

I agree with PPs that your DH is being super selfish. And pub every week after football? Does he spend any quality 1:1 time with his DS?

You need to inform your DH this arrangement is over as the whole point of having the child on the weekend is for the father to spend time with his son. The son doesn't come to see you, he comes to see his dad. If DH prioritises his football/pub over spending time with his kid it is his business, but he needs to rearrange it with his ex. Nothing to do with you

@sassbott

Why are you putting up with this week in week out?

Start getting up early on a Sunday and leaving before he leaves for football. Book some Saturday nights away/ stay with friends/ family and don’t be there Sunday. Tell him you will not do this/ be available. Either he rearranges his contact, or he changes his ‘hobby’.

I would definitely do this, and if he tried with I don’t like his son you should be right back with I’m not his dad who fucks off to footy and the pub Sunday’s when you have contact - I obviously like him, what’s far less clear is whether you give a shit about him or me- you obviously don’t value what should be your precious time with your child, and you didn’t give a shit that I was ill. There is someone I don’t like right now and it’s a grown adult who needs to take some responsibility for a fucking change.

Poor boy.

He has a dad who dumps him on someone else every single time he stays rather than spend time with him.

However nice you are to him OP you aren't his dad.

Stop being a doormat for both the child's and your own sakes.

Once stepson is back home I would tell him really clearly that the Sunday morning babysitting is over and that you’re not doing it any more - that gives him a week to find someone else.

Then stick to your guns - follow the excellent advice above to be out and busy with your phone off.

If you are considering ever having children with him you need to hold absolutely firm on this !

Yet another deadbeat dad. This is the reason he is someone's ex.

It's not the mums responsibility for those who said the ss should go back to her - she already does 6 days out of 7. Mothers are not default childcare for deadbeat fathers.

OP I would stand firm. Make your own plans. But honestly why would you want to be with someone this selfish?

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yet another deadbeat dad. This is the reason he is someone's ex.

It's not the mums responsibility for those who said the ss should go back to her - she already does 6 days out of 7. Mothers are not default childcare for deadbeat fathers.

OP I would stand firm. Make your own plans. But honestly why would you want to be with someone this selfish?

Actually, mothers are the default childcare for deadbeat fathers. That’s how it works. When you have a child with a useless bugger, you get left with the responsibility.

The child has two parents. If one of them is a lazy arse, then it just does fall to the other one to pick up the slack.

The useless father (who cares more about football with his mates than his child or partner or anyone else) absolutely is the one in the wrong. But it’s not up to his current partner to protect his ex - and the child’s mother - from the ongoing consequences of having a child with him.

I say that as someone who was a single mother for years, and who ended up with all the bloody responsibility. I could be pissed off at my ex (and often have been). But I can’t change the way he is. I wouldn’t expect his subsequent partners to be making up for his fair weather fathering so I get some time off.

I suppose the thinking is:

You are married.
This child is a child of the family.
Ideally one accepts a SC as much as possible as one's own.
DH has a Sunday morning hobby which can't include the family.
So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.
If DSS was your biological child with DH, it would be the same.

It feels bad, I know. But he's got a son. The only other option is ditching football.
You have to discuss this as if the child is a joint responsibility when under your roof or there will never be full emotional cohesion in the family and that's not good for anyone, especially the child.

So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.

Just to be devil's advocate here.... If the DH was in the habit of skiving off work - is it his wife's responsibility to cover his job for him?

After all, an SM cannot ever be the father to the child, can she? And, as we all get told, "you are not my mother"!

@Aphrodite31

I suppose the thinking is:

You are married.
This child is a child of the family.
Ideally one accepts a SC as much as possible as one's own.
DH has a Sunday morning hobby which can't include the family.
So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.
If DSS was your biological child with DH, it would be the same.

It feels bad, I know. But he's got a son. The only other option is ditching football.
You have to discuss this as if the child is a joint responsibility when under your roof or there will never be full emotional cohesion in the family and that's not good for anyone, especially the child.

Utter bullshit. A stepchild is the legal responsibility of both of its parents, no matter whose roof he/she is living under. The OP has no responsibility to look after him.

@Aphrodite31, the father is leaving the child when the stepmum is unwell. This shows his selfishness.

@Salsal345

ve been extremely unwell with my sinuses this weekend, I’ve had a throbbing headache since last night and it will not go. every weekend we have my stepson which isn’t a problem, but I feel that I’m being used as a babysitter. My husband goes to play football on a Sunday morning and usually will go to the pub after and just presumes I will look after my stepson. This morning I explained I am not well as he is fully aware, this resulted in a full blown argument that it’s fair too cold for him to take his son, to which I replied stay home and look after your son then. To cut a long story short he left saying he couldn’t let his team down etc etc! I am so angry that the responsibility falls on me all the time. Surely if he has access to his son every weekend then he should be taking care of his son. I don’t mind babysitting some of the time but this is getting a joke and when I’m feeling ill aswell. I feel like my husband is the most selfish man on earth and I’m so fed up of him!

YANBU. What an arse your DP is.

@Aphrodite31

I suppose the thinking is:

You are married.
This child is a child of the family.
Ideally one accepts a SC as much as possible as one's own.
DH has a Sunday morning hobby which can't include the family.
So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.
If DSS was your biological child with DH, it would be the same.

It feels bad, I know. But he's got a son. The only other option is ditching football.
You have to discuss this as if the child is a joint responsibility when under your roof or there will never be full emotional cohesion in the family and that's not good for anyone, especially the child.

No the child isn't a joint responsibility under their roof.

If the OP leaves tomorrow she will never see the boy again and the dad can dump his son on a new girlfriend.

This is not good for the child's well-being. He needs to be taken care of by his parents or other people who have a family tie to him.
The OP doesn't have that family tie.

If she has a child with the father then she and the boy's mother may facilitate the siblings seeing each other if and only if the father is a useless lump.

@Aphrodite31

I suppose the thinking is:

You are married.
This child is a child of the family.
Ideally one accepts a SC as much as possible as one's own.
DH has a Sunday morning hobby which can't include the family.
So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.
If DSS was your biological child with DH, it would be the same.

It feels bad, I know. But he's got a son. The only other option is ditching football.
You have to discuss this as if the child is a joint responsibility when under your roof or there will never be full emotional cohesion in the family and that's not good for anyone, especially the child.

Are you missing the bit of thinking that goes: A man has a child with his ex wife. He sees this child every other weekend or similar. Should he spend most of Sunday on those weekends playing football and hanging out at the pub? The op is not the child’s mother. Hopefully she is not ever the mother of a child with this man.

It’s the child I really feel sorry for
Comes over to his dad
His dad spends day away
He’s struck at home with someone who doesn’t want him around
And absolutely none of the situation is in his control

*Actually, mothers are the default childcare for deadbeat fathers. That’s how it works. When you have a child with a useless bugger, you get left with the responsibility.

The child has two parents. If one of them is a lazy arse, then it just does fall to the other one to pick up the slack.

The useless father (who cares more about football with his mates than his child or partner or anyone else) absolutely is the one in the wrong. But it’s not up to his current partner to protect his ex - and the child’s mother - from the ongoing consequences of having a child with him.

I say that as someone who was a single mother for years, and who ended up with all the bloody responsibility. I could be pissed off at my ex (and often have been). But I can’t change the way he is. I wouldn’t expect his subsequent partners to be making up for his fair weather fathering so I get some time off.*
I totally agree @BeyondOurReef.
If my young child was spending all his time at his dads with his sm because his dad thought that regular daytime pints were more important than spending time with his child I'd stop him going.
At that age that's NOT what access is for & would be my responsibility - not that of his sm.

@Aphrodite31

I suppose the thinking is:

You are married.
This child is a child of the family.
Ideally one accepts a SC as much as possible as one's own.
DH has a Sunday morning hobby which can't include the family.
So this whole set up requires the other person to cover the kid(s) on Sunday morning.
If DSS was your biological child with DH, it would be the same.

It feels bad, I know. But he's got a son. The only other option is ditching football.
You have to discuss this as if the child is a joint responsibility when under your roof or there will never be full emotional cohesion in the family and that's not good for anyone, especially the child.

That thinking is just wrong though.

And plays into the classic logic that stepmothers must take on all the crap and the responsibility but none of the authority or the upside.

She’s got no parental responsibility for the stepchild. She did not make any vows to that child. He remains the responsibility of his parents. If his dad won’t look after him (or convince anyone to do him a favour) then tge stepson’s mum will have to do it.

@excelledyourself

Can't let his team down, but let's his son down every weekend by ditching him for his mates.

I'd have been raging about that alone long before now.

This