Ffs Mumsnet stop deleting posts on the realities of step parenting

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

Can we not manage to just remove the posts that break guidelines?

This is still somewhat of a taboo subject and I really believe that it is positive for us to know what the reality can actually be like. Yes, there may be some posters who don't like that and come to cause conflict, but can they not be dealt with instead of removing the whole thread?

It seems like there are a lot of double standards how posts on this board are dealt with. HQ do very little about the regular posters who come in and stick the boot in on every single thread, but then delete threads where it was clear the op needed a little bit of solidarity to get through.

We need to be able to have open conversations. It needs to be clear that this is a safe space to do so. It needs to be clear that uncomfortable conversations WILL happen on this board and perhaps people who might not like that may not want to read it. The conversation should not be shut down.

What was this about?

I don't want to make this a TAAT, but there have been several threads where a step parent has been honest about their struggles, the usual crowd come in and tell them how awful they are and cause the thread to be deleted.

Presume where the SM came in to get some handholding about her (adult included) SCs abusing and hounding her about IVF / pregnancy.

It must be so hard if you're an OP and struggling and get back to the thread and are like whaaa what's all this deleted stuff?

In general, MNHQ taking down whole threads rather than deleting posts that break guidelines is annoying. All the ‘compliant’ content is lost.

@Dozer

In general, MNHQ taking down whole threads rather than deleting posts that break guidelines is annoying. All the ‘compliant’ content is lost.

Quite. And yet if you ask them to do it they generally say no because of this reason.

Yes this was my thread about some of the realities of being a stepmum (initially started in a lighthearted and fairly sarcastic way but then escalated into a bun fight with some particularly nice people telling me I “hated” my step kids and I am basically a terrible human being!)

Purple - you are entirely “normal” I am sure!

Ahh the one about IVF one of the usual suspects the comment got deleted but I read it before it was deleted - it was pretty awful actually past usual levels of awfulness and she got irate at me for defending the OP and suggested I had been drinking when commenting (knowing I'm heavily pregnant). She got a bit personal and then boom gone.

🤯 that poster posted a few nasty really comments though, I really hope the Op didn't see it. Weirdly it's always the same stuff, suggesting OP is lying ect that op wants to keep child under the stairs. Usual but really odd.

What gets me though is couldn't the comments just have been deleted ? I suspect that poster just went on a rampage and HQ got bored of deleting her various attacks as she just wouldn't leave it alone so deleted the whole thread.

The light hearted one made me giggle, it's really sad that it's only censored one way.

@Purplelotuslover11

Yes this was my thread about some of the realities of being a stepmum (initially started in a lighthearted and fairly sarcastic way but then escalated into a bun fight with some particularly nice people telling me I “hated” my step kids and I am basically a terrible human being!)

I saw your post your absolutely bloody normal.

@Purplelotuslover11
I read your post and absolutely resonated with everything you said. It was a shame it was deleted because as SM’s we have so much expectation but little respect and it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in thinking the things you posted. If you were a friend I’d say come over, have a glass of wine and we’ll have a good chat. It’s a shame these boards don’t give the same age space x

Agree

Purplelotuslover11 I was reading yours and yes you were fine, don't know why it went poof.

Not sure why grown adults can't see that any problems they had with SM are completely due to dear old Da not stepping up and parenting. Easier to continue to carry hate for the "wicked" SM than blame DF, and so they despise all SM to validate their personal hatred. It's rather sad and childish.

Justtobeclear ahh thank you and if ever you want to drop me a message id be more than happy with that It’s nice to offload to people in the same positions, most of my mates are in traditional type family set ups and although they are fab they don’t completely get it!

[quote Justtobeclear]@Purplelotuslover11
I read your post and absolutely resonated with everything you said. It was a shame it was deleted because as SM’s we have so much expectation but little respect and it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in thinking the things you posted. If you were a friend I’d say come over, have a glass of wine and we’ll have a good chat. It’s a shame these boards don’t give the same age space x[/quote]
Exactly this!

I feel like it gives the trolls what they want having the whole thread deleted. Even though it's because of their behaviour I feel it makes them feel justified because they probably think the thread was deleted because of the ops "evil" behaviour or whatever. It makes them come back and do it again.

Deleting only their comments would make it clear that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

I have no skin in this game (not a SP or have one), but I couldn’t agree more. Especially with the comment about HQ doing nothing about the posters who day after day kick the OP when they’re down, on what feels like every other thread. Reminds me of the low level bad behaviour of children who destroy a learning environment but get away with it because they’re never quite naughty enough.
I hope MN is somewhere where people can be supported (as well as sometimes shown the error of their ways!!).

I've never understood what motivates some non step mums to spend so much time on this forum.

Particularly ones who post "I was that step child" and then describe a set of circumstances which completely unrelated to the op.

People (particularly women) become all sorts of irrational when they perceive any kind of unfairness or injustice towards the Golden First Family DC, despite there actually being none.

Real life doesn't help in the characterisation of stepmoms either, the mods on here are bound to have been conditioned on that as well, given they live in the same environment and absorb the same ideas as everyone else.

I saw and commented on your thread @Purplelotuslover11, there was nothing wrong with it. However if you dare to express any kind of difficulty with step parenting here, it automatically means you have nefarious feelings towards the DSC.

I wish I had known about the step parenting board on MN before I got together with my EXDP. By the time I got here, it was when I was due my first DC, and a friend suggested I join to get tips about babies! I stumbled across the step parenting section randomly while looking around. I was 3 years into the relationship by then.

I applaud those ladies who come on here to discuss their issues with others who have been through it before they have their own DC, and escape the relationship prior to tying themselves together. The posters who come here to derail with stereotypical ranting should be firmly ignored.

@KylieKoKo

I've never understood what motivates some non step mums to spend so much time on this forum.

Particularly ones who post "I was that step child" and then describe a set of circumstances which completely unrelated to the op.

I think it's because some people cannot stand a different narrative than the one they have lied to themselves for years about. You can tell most of them absolutely are unable to see the wood from the trees and have to place that anger somewhere.

Also it's a bit like a person who's bullied (lacks power) then turning into the bully (to regain power)

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I have to take responsibility for the IVF one being deleted. I absolutely should have just left it well alone and maybe the thread would have stayed intact.
I just really struggle with the regular bullies on here and OP was getting far to harder time on it, and for some reason one of the posters was crossing the line. Yet the comments stand.

Funnily enough I was also watching it happen it on a AIBU post to another poor soul with the same username just being really nasty.

Having said that I am sleep deprived and hormonal so I'm probably not at my most rational/calm and collected self.

Why do they come here ? I somehow kinda get the step children, but random people who have never been SP always here lurking 👀 why ?

I'm getting tired of Mumsnet deleting threads all over the place. I agree, if posters or individual posts are problematic then they should be removed, but when it's a long thread that many people have contributed to in good faith, it's incredibly irritating to see it taken down without warning.

It's making me want to leave the forum entirely. What is the point in commenting if it's just going to be removed because someone else was being difficult.

It's the worst forum in terms of not being able to say how you feel without being jumped on.
People were going mad last year over Christmas presents and the that SC should have the same amount at every house they visit. Not leaving them anything in your will is another issue that stirs people on here.
Also, daring to say you don't love your SC or resent them.
Other forums on the Internet are a lot more supportive and helpful and posters can say how they feel without being jumped on.
The reality of step parenting can be shit.
I full expect someone to trot out the classic MN line, 'why did you marry someone who already has kids...' etc.
It's farcical.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I have to take responsibility for the IVF one being deleted. I absolutely should have just left it well alone and maybe the thread would have stayed intact.
I just really struggle with the regular bullies on here and OP was getting far to harder time on it, and for some reason one of the posters was crossing the line. Yet the comments stand.

Funnily enough I was also watching it happen it on a AIBU post to another poor soul with the same username just being really nasty.

Having said that I am sleep deprived and hormonal so I'm probably not at my most rational/calm and collected self.

Why do they come here ? I somehow kinda get the step children, but random people who have never been SP always here lurking 👀 why ? [/quote]
To be honest I had only seen the start of that one, but good for you for calling them out! It shouldn't mean the thread gets deleted. These people are quite happy to give it, I find, but cannot take it and poof the thread is gone.

To answer your other question @candlelightsatdawn I honestly wonder whether a lot are ex wives and just looking to kick someone to make them selves feel better about their own situation. As in, they can't shout and ball at their own childs step mother, so they come and do it to someone else because of course we are all evil children haters.

For me, if it bothers you that much, why would you actively come and read up on it.

I agree its frustrating when a whole thread gets deleted when the majority have put sensible and useful replies. I didn't have a great experience as a step child but I understand all circumstances are different, step parents are human, it's often complex, and on a forum people can choose not to read a thread if they think they might be upset- same for those who's partners have remarried, they don't have to read.

It’s the smug “I’d never contemplate getting involved with a man with children, you knew what you were taking on” posters who are particularly annoying. Would they say to someone who was struggling with some aspect of motherhood “well you had children what do you expect?”

I’m not a stepmum so am not defensive but there are certainly some posters who weigh in and enjoy sticking the boot in to women who are. Did they have a stepmum from hell or are they projecting their hatred of their ex’s new partner?