Ffs Mumsnet stop deleting posts on the realities of step parenting

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

Can we not manage to just remove the posts that break guidelines?

This is still somewhat of a taboo subject and I really believe that it is positive for us to know what the reality can actually be like. Yes, there may be some posters who don't like that and come to cause conflict, but can they not be dealt with instead of removing the whole thread?

It seems like there are a lot of double standards how posts on this board are dealt with. HQ do very little about the regular posters who come in and stick the boot in on every single thread, but then delete threads where it was clear the op needed a little bit of solidarity to get through.

We need to be able to have open conversations. It needs to be clear that this is a safe space to do so. It needs to be clear that uncomfortable conversations WILL happen on this board and perhaps people who might not like that may not want to read it. The conversation should not be shut down.

Just catching up. Going back to the point about step dad's being held to lower standards.

I agree.

Men are often just there, physically present in the life of a step child and are lauded as hero's. I know people who praise the boyfriend for stepping in when the real dad didn't but in reality they don't parent. They're just there.

Whereas for step mums, being physically present isn't enough. You should be emotionally involved, but not too much. You should be logistically involved, but don't upset mum by doing the school run. You should be financially involved, but don't overspend and upset mum. It's a minefield.

I don't class myself as a proper step parent anymore for various lengthy reasons I won't go into now, but the many years I was a proper step parent, I felt I could never win.

When I spent on dss his mum didn't like it because she felt I was trying to make her look bad. When I didn't, she said I didn't care. When I did school runs she didn't like it because I'm not his mum, but when I was on mat leave she literally used to chuck him out the car on to my doorstep without checking.

I have often wondered how outsiders to our situation viewed it. I've never publically expressed my feelings (other than to my best friend and on here anonymously) so I expect some people don't realise quite how hard it's been.

Even dp did not realise the extent of my struggles for many years. He's always been supportive but I don't think he quite realised the extent of the hurt it has caused me.

Men are often just there, physically present in the life of a step child and are lauded as hero's. I know people who praise the boyfriend for stepping in when the real dad didn't but in reality they don't parent. They're just there.

Whereas for step mums, being physically present isn't enough. You should be emotionally involved, but not too much. You should be logistically involved, but don't upset mum by doing the school run. You should be financially involved, but don't overspend and upset mum. It's a minefield.

I agree completely, 10000000%. And I'm not even bashing the stepdads at all, because they are just doing what we should all be able to do as step-parents - just be a kind, loving, supportive presence in the child's life.

But because of the nature of the pressure and expectations on stepmums (and mums in general) it often becomes a high stress situation where nobody is really happy with the status quo - woman thinks she's being taken advantage of yet doesn't have a say in what goes on in her home, man thinks she's doing something wrong if it doesn't feel exactly like a 'normal' family, and child is annoyed that someone who isn't their parent is the one constantly chasing them to clean up after themselves, do their homework, eat their dinner etc etc.

If stepmums were treated with the same expectations and standards as stepdads, this board would likely be a whole lot emptier.

@Doubleraspberry you breathing probably. I always have said nasty comments from people says more about them than it does anything else. Projection or own personal issues they haven't worked on.

Being a step mum means you have to grow a rhino like hid skin, incredibly boundaries and even then there's always the one comment that gets to you.

This person whom ever they are sounds deeply unhappy and that was never about you or your stepparenting skills. Remember that 💐