Ffs Mumsnet stop deleting posts on the realities of step parenting

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

Can we not manage to just remove the posts that break guidelines?

This is still somewhat of a taboo subject and I really believe that it is positive for us to know what the reality can actually be like. Yes, there may be some posters who don't like that and come to cause conflict, but can they not be dealt with instead of removing the whole thread?

It seems like there are a lot of double standards how posts on this board are dealt with. HQ do very little about the regular posters who come in and stick the boot in on every single thread, but then delete threads where it was clear the op needed a little bit of solidarity to get through.

We need to be able to have open conversations. It needs to be clear that this is a safe space to do so. It needs to be clear that uncomfortable conversations WILL happen on this board and perhaps people who might not like that may not want to read it. The conversation should not be shut down.

Why do they come here ? I somehow kinda get the step children, but random people who have never been SP always here lurking 👀 why ?

In my case I don’t lurk, but will sometimes click on an interesting looking thread because it’s appeared in active convos, as is probably the case with most people. I don’t think you should have to pass some eligibility test to read a thread, but I very rarely comment, unless it’s something along the lines of ‘yes, I sympathise. I feel like that about my own children’

@HunkyPunk

Why do they come here ? I somehow kinda get the step children, but random people who have never been SP always here lurking 👀 why ?

In my case I don’t lurk, but will sometimes click on an interesting looking thread because it’s appeared in active convos, as is probably the case with most people. I don’t think you should have to pass some eligibility test to read a thread, but I very rarely comment, unless it’s something along the lines of ‘yes, I sympathise. I feel like that about my own children’

I don't think you should have to pass an eligibility test at all, I think opinions from all perspectives are really helpful. However if you know that reading about this subject is going to upset you, or anger you, and you then take that emotion out on the poster, perhaps it's a good idea to not read it.

There are certain posters who seem to only comment to be nasty, and that's the problem.

Comments like yours in solidarity are always welcome ha

I forget thread come up in active posts 🤦🏼‍♀️ And agree you don't need a document to say ok you need to be x to post here, I suppose the thing is it gets incredibly frustrating to see women who post here who are usually obviously struggling getting kicked by a load of people who don't know what it's like to be a step parent and think they are higher beings for not being !

It's a bit like being a mum actually getting parenting advice of someone that had no idea, has no children and openly judging you , for example I was told very condescendingly (two days post birth) I should and I quote "leave the baby to cry for a few hours or I will be making a rod for my own back"🤯. It's fine if your in a good headspace you tell the person to badger off, but many people come to this forum because frankly they are not.

I suppose that it's the internet and people won't always agree but I kind of think that people should be kinder to each other and if they wouldn't say this stuff directly to someone's face, then probably shouldn't say it behind a screen.

I have said it before and I will say it again Caroline flack. She got a lot of people making fairly nasty comments online, she killed herself and because she was a celebrity everyone saw it. No one actually sees the impact of their words because we aren't in public eye. But that doesn't mean the impact doesn't happen.

Only on MN have I seen just how hideous people are to step mums because they think they can be.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I don't know if MNHQ saw this thread but the post re the IVF has come back with few completely removed comments.

So maybe they are listening to feedback ?

It’s the smug “I’d never contemplate getting involved with a man with children, you knew what you were taking on” posters who are particularly annoying. Would they say to someone who was struggling with some aspect of motherhood “well you had children what do you expect?”

Exactly. If someone posted that their husband was having an affair no one would post "well what do you expect, loads of men have affairs, that's why I would not get married"

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I don't know if MNHQ saw this thread but the post re the IVF has come back with few completely removed comments.

So maybe they are listening to feedback ? [/quote]
I hope so!

Personally I think that half the problems most SP have is isolation. You cannot ever say things in a vent without people jumping you. I have yet to find a safe space online and mistakenly thought this board would be ok 🤯 that was naive of me.

That said when meeting SM in real life, we often talk about things in hushed voices like discussing national secrets.

I wonder if they did a poll what MH ranges would be seen in comparison to other groups (single mums, nuclear families vs step parents) what it would show.

There doesn't also seemed to be the same hostility towards step dads as step mums either. Which is odd ?

@Snookie00

It’s the smug “I’d never contemplate getting involved with a man with children, you knew what you were taking on” posters who are particularly annoying. Would they say to someone who was struggling with some aspect of motherhood “well you had children what do you expect?”

I’m not a stepmum so am not defensive but there are certainly some posters who weigh in and enjoy sticking the boot in to women who are. Did they have a stepmum from hell or are they projecting their hatred of their ex’s new partner?

What I find particularly weird is that people say that step mums should have known exactly how hard it would be but also that they mustn't ever talk about how hard it is. There are endless threads about how hard being a parent is on MN and people say that it's both valuable support and useful honesty for people contemplating parenthood; why wouldn't the same be true for step-parenting?

There doesn't also seemed to be the same hostility towards step dads as step mums either. Which is odd?

Men who 'take on' a woman with kids are seen as heroes.

Step-parenting is a more extreme version of the 'usual' rules that mums have to be extraordinary to not be constantly criticized while dads just have to show up to be considered extraordinary.

I agree OP.
HQ seem to be very enthusiastic about deleting SM posts where the SM is asking for help.
The trolls will always be on this forum, my DH’s Ex regularly makes snidey comments. She’s never been a SM and was not a SC. Her DC are my step children and she feels this gives her a complete understanding of what it’s like to be a step parent. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve read her saying “you knew he had kids ....” She even said this to DH (about me) in real life, I nearly died laughing.

I think it’s great to be honest about the realities of step parenting and agree with so many of these comments. It’s somehow frowned upon to moan about step kids but yet acceptable to voice complaints about your bio kids (and to receive empathy for doing so!) My god parenting is hard full stop but Chuck ex’s in and other tricky dynamics and I think we are fully entitled to bloody moan (it doesn’t mean we are children hating evil devil women either!!)

I agree we need to be able to have conversations here and that some commenters reply with hateful speech. I haven't noticed it in the threads the OP mentioned but in others, especially about pregnancy, secondary infertility etc.

I think the thing with step-parenting that attracts such vitriol is that the majority of people who have never experienced it in any fashion are already set against it due to cultural influences (wicked stepmother etc) and high profile stories about bad step-parents that make the news.

There is always an undercurrent of 'those poor children' or thinking that children have a shit life once their parents split up, let alone remarry. Many people are so ready to look for any hint of the child being slighted that they see it in everything, and disregard just how hard it actually is for so much of your life to revolve around children that aren't yours.

I too don't understand why so many people who are not step-parents and have no experience of it in any capacity come here just to slag people off and make them feel bad. I don't go onto threads where I have no experience, like breastfeeding threads, and just lay into the OP for struggling, or wade in with advice when I have no idea. Can't really fathom what goes through people's minds to do that and think it's OK.

Not to say people can't comment without having the right 'qualifications' or whatever, but some are so nasty and offer nothing productive or helpful at all.

too don't understand why so many people who are not step-parents and have no experience of it in any capacity come here just to slag people off and make them feel bad. I don't go onto threads where I have no experience, like breastfeeding threads, and just lay into the OP for struggling, or wade in with advice when I have no idea. Can't really fathom what goes through people's minds to do that and think it's OK.

I think the truly nasty ones come along because although people might never have step parented, they are usually a parent on the other side and feel the need to "educate" people they genuinely feel doesn't get the whole picture, ignoring their own bias. It's incredibly annoying.

Maybe they had a bad experience with their ex and "know stuff" they feel the step mum doesn't know about the ex issues and kinda superior in this knowledge. Maybe they do know stuff the current wife does, maybe not.

There are so many thread on here saying I would hate my SC to have a SP for various reasons. Mainly theme is they are being replaced as a parental figure, loss of control, the ex is a rubbish dad in their eyes so doesn't have the right to have another child. Mainly it's a lot of hate for the dad, which is funny because hate isn't the opposite of love. That's indifference. And all of them weren't smart enough when they met these "awful" men to not reproduce. It's only hindsight that's given them this knowledge they are so proudly wearing.

I'm sadly part of "first wives club" as well as being a SM and I can tell you I don't have a problem with my DD having a stepmom because i don't hate my ex, I literally am indifferent to him. Don't get me wrong I don't want anything bad to happen to him but my mental space is away from all that emotion. Do I feel like I know my ex better than his current partner, sometimes but the person he was with me I hope isn't who he is with her. I don't think I'm smarter or any wiser than her, all I hope is he does better. (For background he cheated on me post loss of our baby told me when I was pregnant again with DD so I walked). I don't blame him or me, we just didn't work together that doesn't discount him feom doing better next time. And thankfully he seems to be.That means hopefully in my approach I can be more reasonable because it's not hate/injustice being wrapped up in territory wars.

A lot of it is territorial, fighting over resources, ect and it's bonkers.

Very good post @LittleMysSister.
I remember when I was with exdp & I would comment on his dc's behaviour (only to v close friends & family) & I'd immediately get "oh but the poor kids their parents are divorced & they're missing their dad"! Well I very quickly learned there was virtually NO ONE I could talk to about this - even my own friends & family had cast me as the "sm who understood nothing about sdc" & I felt really judged for expecting my partner not to spend every waking moment with his dc. They complete forget I had my own "poor dc" who barely got a look in due to their behaviour being 'normal' & well adjusted.
Everyone seemed to think that because my dc were ok (due to a lot of hard work on my part) that I should somehow go easy on the sdc no matter how bad their behaviour.
I would literally go to my therapist once a month to discuss our blended situation as she was the ONLY person who did not have inbuilt prejudices around step mothers.
I honestly don't know what it is about the step (mother in particular) situation that triggers so many other women no matter what their life experience may be.

@Magda72 I think it's the isolation thing for me that really makes me consider whether blending was worth it. I predicted tricky, but I never predicted just how badly I would be judged for just existing as SM or how very few people I will be allowed to talk about it honestly with.

This board and the limited about of posts shows just how conditioned we are to not talk about it and if you talk about it, it has to be in a very limited careful way or you will be fried.

I think that's what really gripes me about the puts on whiney voice "but you knew what you were getting into".

No one would be a SM if they knew that forever and a day you would be classified as evil, and expected to have 0 boundaries or needs. Yet our numbers are growing in terms of society norms.

Yes agreed @Magda72 @candlelightsatdawn

I have always said that the weirdest thing for me is that all over this site (and in life) people openly talk about how their children come first, nothing is more important than them, the love is like no other, the bond is unique and so strong and powerful...yet then they will turn around and lay into step-parents for not feeling that way about children that aren't theirs. Even though I am sure most of these parents would openly admit that their fondness of any other children they may know doesn't even come close to what they feel for their own child, and would be stunned if anyone expected that it would. Because nobody does expect that. It's only when you're a step-parent that people expect you to immediately override totally natural feelings.

So I think a lot of the vitriol towards step-parents comes from the insistent denial of the reality that it is difficult and unusual to love someone else's child exactly as if they were your own. Not saying it doesn't happen, of course it does, but it's not the norm, particularly when both parents are still in the picture so there are no shoes for the SP to fill. It is fine for the SP and the SC to have a relationship that isn't based on being parent and child, because they're not.

There doesn't also seem to be the same hostility towards step dads as step mums either.

Stepdads don't post here or on other forums as much as stepmums. Ots about 98% women posting.

Usually stepmums post with complaints, challenges or seeking advice and if stepdads did the same, no doubt they'd get similar responses.

I have always said that the weirdest thing for me is that all over this site (and in life) people openly talk about how their children come first, nothing is more important than them, the love is like no other, the bond is unique and so strong and powerful...yet then they will turn around and lay into step-parents for not feeling that way about children thataren'ttheirs.

A stepchild will not be a priority for a stepparent and by the same logic, I don't understand stepmums who get upset about that the kids are a priority and will always come first for their DP/DH.

@candlelightsatdawn

The isolation is the worst. and the double standards!!

There is DEFINITELY not the same hostility to stepdads as there is stepmums. Research shows it.

Sending you all love @Christmas xxx

@SandyY2K I genuinely feel what 'upsets' sms about the 'prioritising' of sdc is that it is disproportionate to everything else going on in everyday life.
Most sms are on here in frustration not because they don't expect sdcs to be prioritised when necessary, but because sdcs are prioritised all the time to the detriment of the adult relationship, any dc the sm might have herself & any joint dc she may have with her partner.
Furthermore the 'prioritising' by dad of the sdc is generally around expectations of their wants & not their needs & yet everyone is the wider circle is absolutely not expected to feel THEIR wants should ever be prioritised.
Time & time again we see that sm, sms extended family, sms dc (joint or otherwise) are expected to take a back seat to every request, demand, whim put forward by the sdc & very often the sdcs dm.
THIS is what bothers most sms about the whole 'prioritising' issue.
Most sms on here acknowledge that this is a dynamic initiated by dms & sdc & then fuelled by their partners who seem incapable of parenting their dc in a robust way. Basically the sms dc are supposed to be parented robustly & 'normally' but the sdc are supposed to be treated like demi gods coming down to earth for the day!
I have lived through this & not only is it very frustrating it is really, really unfair.

There are more people involved & affected by divorce/blending than just the sdc but no one else is allowed a look in!

Furthermore I will add (& I've said this before on here) that I have NEVER felt more invisible than my last few years of being with a man with dc. Actually invisible is the wrong word - I'm not sure what the right word is.
But my self esteem was constantly & consistently undermined. I felt like I was not allowed to need or want anything; that I should expect nothing & yet I was on the receiving end of all this dislike by people who didn't actually know me but who felt it was ok to dislike me for no other reason than the fact I existed, & that I really shouldn't let that bother me; that I should just ignore it! Well it's not that easy to ignore dokey huh that's presented to you in may different ways week after week.
I put up with this for way too long precisely because Society tells us that dc come first & adults should big up! Well No, No More! The damage that is done to women's mental health by pushing this message & expecting women to tolerate rudeness & bad behaviour in their own homes & telling women they are unreasonable for expecting to be treated with basic politeness & respect is untold.
I am just so, so sick of the 'poor sdc' narrative that is still everywhere!

I don't admit to being a step parent on here. I've made the mistake before of talking honestly in an environment I hadn't realised was hostile and I have had such horrible things said to me that I won't do it any more.

My stepchildren love me, so clearly I'm not the most terrible person in the world, but it's such hard work, and isolating as hell. I admire the posters who do try to talk about it on here.

@Magda72 👏🏼 spot on as per usual.

Invisible or maybe like a object less a person. A object that can be used when required, must silently never object or show any emotion, know it's place at all times and sometimes just take the beating for existing and keep in line any objects liked to it incase they cause issues. It's quite dehumanising, like you are no longer a human. And that's what gets people.

Then foolishly people come on here looking for support, advice (or worse AIBU board) and get fried alive. Some of the comments on here are just as vile, but never would anyone have the balls to say it to someone's face in real life.

@candlelightsatdawn - dehumanising is it! You've hit the nail on the head! I never felt more Dehumanised!!!! It's like in everyone's eyes (bar mine & my dcs) I came to exist only as a prop to 'aid' these sdc.
It really is the weirdest thing when Society in general expects women to literally subvert every bit of themselves in order to make life easy for their partners & their dc.
I've said before on here that I was treated with great sympathy when I was a divorced, single mum (sympathy I never looked for). But when I got with a divorced dad attitudes towards me (even from friends and family) shifted. It's like the Evil Stepmother is soooo deeply embedded in our collective psyche that everyone (no matter who they are or what their life experience/circumstances are) still buys into it.

There's currently a thread about the murder of little Arthur where people have posted links to threads on here and are comparing step mother's moaning on here to hus brutal murder. It's quite chilling that people think it's in anyway similar.