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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Need to get this off my chest

89 replies

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 13:42

It's this or have an argument with my husband which I'm trying to avoid! Been with him for 9 years, married for 3. I have one daughter at uni, he has a 14yo who is with us 3 nights a week.

I'm sat here counting the hours til he goes back to his mum's later because I feel like all of the mental load of him being here has been on me. I don't usually feel like this, maybe I'm having a hormonal day, but the time he spends here usually goes the same way.

Husband doesn't do much with him, he spends all his time in his room apart from meal times. This morning husband buggered off to gym leaving him behind, and then went on somewhere else so was gone for about 4 hours. I know he doesn't need babysitting at his age but in my head there's no real point him being here if he's not spending time with his dad. (He's now taken him out for lunch after I pointed out that I never get the bloody house to myself!)

Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away.

I know none of these are big issues and I may get a roasting, but it just frustrates me as my husband doesn't notice any of this and I feel like I'm the one who's always complaining. I don't have my own child at home to pick up after and I just feel like I shouldn't have to be doing it for his child.

Should I just let the small things go and step back?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 27/11/2021 13:47

I agree that there is no point in the stepson being there if his own father isn't there. As far as the other things are concerned, it's normal teenage behaviour, but it's also normal to tell him not to do it. Why can't your partner take his son to the gym with him?

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 13:52

@HollowTalk

He doesn't have a membership for his son.

OP posts:

Champersandchocolate · 27/11/2021 13:54

Hey ☺️ my step children are the same. They only come EOW and half every holiday and they are absolutely, very messy when they are here. So much so, I gave up telling them. We have rules which my children follow to take plates to the sink and keep rooms clean.

I realised I was fighting a loosing battle, my SD 12 actually likes it when I go on about needing plates in the sink, she just loves to wind me up! (we live in a big house so I need their help if their taking their food around the place). She also likes to bake a lot when she's here and not tidy up after herself 😭

But, I give up and let my OCD when they are here, I don't bother to tidy up after them, I let the plates and cups run out. Then they start complaining there are no cups 😂 I'm like well just wash up what you used!

I know I sound awful - but it's a lot of work and if my own children who are younger than SC can look after themselves I feel they can too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2021 13:57

Would you rather his dad spoke to him about mess or are you okay doing it yourself and if so does he listen?

Does your DH back you up when you try to tackle things?

I agree there’s little point him being there if his dad can’t be bothered being there. Does he want to be there? How would they both be if you went out and left him there?

Sorry you’re struggling. No one should give you a hard time. Doesn’t mean they won’t but you’re allowed to have a moan. And you should be able to talk to your DH. You’re meant to be a team.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 14:00

@AnneLovesGilbert he does back me up and he does speak to him about any issues but I just feel like I'm always complaining. And sometimes he's out so I end up speaking to SS myself. I just get 'sorry' every time and I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other.

If I'd gone out this morning and left him alone he wouldn't have noticed or cared. It's not that I can't go out. But I feel like I have to force my husband to do stuff with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 14:02

@Champersandchocolate you don't sound awful at all. And it shouldn't be your job to tidy up after the stepkids.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 27/11/2021 14:04

To be honest, I think that when your own children leave home it's normal to have a bit of a reassessment of how you want to live your life. This is the first time you can really do what you want to do and live how you want to live.

It sounds like your husband needs to realise that you have options and that he should be parenting his own child.

BillDates · 27/11/2021 14:05

@Champersandchocolate

I know I sound awful - but it's a lot of work and if my own children who are younger than SC can look after themselves I feel they can too.

Where is their father when this is happening? Shocking that he lets his children behave like that.

Champersandchocolate · 27/11/2021 14:06

@sunshinelover69 I don't mind when I've made a whole family dinner and set up activities. But when I feel like crap (currently pregnant), I can't keep up.

It's also not worth an argument.

BUT - it's not fair that your SS dad isn't spending time with him while he's there, but my SS 14 does sit in his room the whole time he's here on the Xbox with friends. But we have SD who clings to her dad so it makes sense for them to be here.

It's about choosing battles isn't it?

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 14:08

It is about choosing battles yes, and I usually just step away and leave them both to it. But something is making me much more irritated about everything this week.

OP posts:

Champersandchocolate · 27/11/2021 14:10

@BillDates He does step in at times, (by cleaning up after them).

He suffers from dad guilt for leaving his old family home years ago, so he lets a lot slip with the kids when they are here. 🙄🙄

I have to adjust EOW to our usual house rules going out the window. My own kids kind of love the free reign when their step siblings are here, but yes, for me I want to gauge my eyes out lol 😂

Champersandchocolate · 27/11/2021 14:12

@sunshinelover69 Totally relate. It feels like you've lost your teammate for a little bit sometimes...

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 14:12

I don't know how you do that @Champersandchocolate. I can't bear to see any mess whatsoever. It doesn't help that there are zero rules at his mum's and she never even cleans the house.

OP posts:

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 27/11/2021 14:14

If I'd gone out this morning and left him alone he wouldn't have noticed or cared. It's not that I can't go out. But I feel like I have to force my husband to do stuff with him

Well at least he's not expecting you to
'Be home' for your SS.

Dont 'force DH' to do stuff with him. It would make me think less of him fir essentially not bothering with his son when he's there though! But it's not your responsibility to make him to do or even encourage it. At his age your SS will simply start not coming if he's not happy about it.

However, if you want the house to yourself at times then you need to tell DH exactly what you need him to do and as HallowTalk
Said, your DH needs to realise you have options.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 14:59

Thanks for the genuinely sympathetic responses, it helps to know I'm not just being a total bitch.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/11/2021 15:15

Christmas is coming up. DH buys gym membership for his son. Sorted.

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 15:19

I started just ignoring all the mess and then asking DH to sort it out. Then he notices it haha. Toilet unflushed? Every single time I ask DH to sort it out.

I would probably just shut the window if DH was out though as for looking after the DSC, unless I'm asked I just sort myself out for food etc and let them get their own or tell them dad's sorting it. Then they end up ringing their dad if he's out and moaning at him.

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 15:21

And as for entertaining them, I just get on with my day, housework, or whatever I want. Only problem is if I want to go out with shared DC but if DH hadn't asked if started just leaving them now they are old enough to be left alone for about 30 mins and text him to say I've gone out. He soon rushes back home. Not my problem and it's the only way I could get through to him.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 15:32

@SpaceshiptoMars

Christmas is coming up. DH buys gym membership for his son. Sorted.

He really wouldn't be interested in going. Just wants to game all the time.

OP posts:

gogohm · 27/11/2021 15:33

He sounds like a normal teen though. I don't expect any more of dp's dd than mine. Older here so no washing issues, they do their own. Actually dp's dd likes hanging out with me / us so that's more of the issue eg coming out to the pub/dinner whereas my dd doesn't come out.

I would suggest it's a dp issue not a ss issue

Tattler2 · 27/11/2021 15:47

OP, I think part of the problem is a mindset that thinks that the son is there to visit with dad as opposed to that is where the son lives with dad. My children and step children are often in their respective homes when the bio parent is not their. The girls are 16 and do not require any form of babysitting and they are old enough to look after the boys. They view each house as their home , and as teenagers ,they tend to prefer to spend time in their rooms as opposed to spending significant quantities if time in the company of parents.

In intact families, it would never occur to anyone to suggest that there is something amiss if a teenager is present in the home when neither parent is in the home. Should those parents say" sorry, you cannot be in the house if we are not here?"
Sometimes, with kids ,it is necessary to have to remind them often to do things particularly if those things are handled differently in then other home. If you that doesn't work, then it is reasonable to expect his dad to tidy up after him.

If the son does not feel ignored or abandoned by his father's absence from the home, perhaps it is an indication that he is perfectly comfortable with the status of their relationship. Why suggest that something is somehow amiss when that does not seem to be consistent with their feelings or perceptions? The fact that you would do it differently does not mean that their way is not satisfying for them.

Iwonder08 · 27/11/2021 16:00

OP, I can assure you there is nothing bitchy about your thought process.
My advice would be to stop trying.
DH goes to gym-Lert him. Go for a walk yourself, have a bath, do something else. I'd his son is not happy it is your DH'"s problem
Then stop tyding up. Tell you DH it is his job to either get his son to clean after himself and he should do it. Just leave the mess no matter how annoying it is.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 16:20

@Tattler2 he doesn't live here though. He lives with his mum and comes here for contact with his dad. This isn't an intact family so I'm not sure what your point is. If his dad was working away for example, or on holiday, then he wouldn't come.

OP posts:

Tattler2 · 27/11/2021 19:40

@sunshinelover69

It is the home that his father provides for him. Minor children are not visitors in the homes that their parents provide for them. He had 2 parents and as such ,he had 2 homes. It does not matter that he spends more time in one place than the other.. His father is still his 24/7 father. He is not his part time father and as such he provides a full time home in which his son spends less time. If his father thinks of his son as a visitor, that can be a problem for both father and son.

Why would any parent of a minor child not think of the house that they provide as anything other than the home that they provide for their child?

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 20:10

It's my house. I provided a home for all of them. But I'm sure I'll be told that I married him therefore it's now his house. Of course it's his home. But your talk of his father providing a home for his son was a bit red rag to a bull. If we were not married, he would not come here.

OP posts:

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