Need to get this off my chest

[sunshinelover69]

It's this or have an argument with my husband which I'm trying to avoid! Been with him for 9 years, married for 3. I have one daughter at uni, he has a 14yo who is with us 3 nights a week.

I'm sat here counting the hours til he goes back to his mum's later because I feel like all of the mental load of him being here has been on me. I don't usually feel like this, maybe I'm having a hormonal day, but the time he spends here usually goes the same way.

Husband doesn't do much with him, he spends all his time in his room apart from meal times. This morning husband buggered off to gym leaving him behind, and then went on somewhere else so was gone for about 4 hours. I know he doesn't need babysitting at his age but in my head there's no real point him being here if he's not spending time with his dad. (He's now taken him out for lunch after I pointed out that I never get the bloody house to myself!)

Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away.

I know none of these are big issues and I may get a roasting, but it just frustrates me as my husband doesn't notice any of this and I feel like I'm the one who's always complaining. I don't have my own child at home to pick up after and I just feel like I shouldn't have to be doing it for his child.

Should I just let the small things go and step back?

@Youseethethingis

My 2 year old dutifully trots over to me and asks for kitchen paper to clean up if he spills his Weetabix, which he then puts in the bin himself without any prompting. I'm struggling to see how it can possibly be too much to ask of a 14 year old.

I am guessing you don't have a 14 year old...

not unreasonable, no, but...

No, but have a 36 year old DH I'm still trying to house train
I say the same to him though - if your 2 year old son can clean up after himself what the fuck is your excuse?

@Youseethethingis

No, but have a 36 year old DH I'm still trying to house train I say the same to him though - if your 2 year old son can clean up after himself what the fuck is your excuse?

This had me howling. My DSD dob's in my DH when he's been messy. She's like that's dads he caused the mess, dad go clear it up 😂😂😂😂

Well my actual son is like this! Step parenting is difficult as you are agreeing to take on this role when you choose a partner . I think realistically you have to let the messy teen stuff go , but it's not acceptable for hubby to not be making an effort with his son. Tell him he has to get his son a gym membership! My hubby done this with our son and it's the only time they spend together but both love it , this will give you a wee break x

@steppemum
"I think you are confusing 'left for a few hours' with 'left overnight'

In Uk it is absolutely fine to leave a NT 14 year old for a few hours. Even all day.
Most secondary school aged kids are home alone after school til parents get in from work.
That is from age 11."

OK, so my experience is almost entirely with the neurodiverse, so I read the governance a little differently:

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone
*
The law on leaving your child on their own
The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.

Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, for example at home or in a car.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says:

children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under 16 should not be left alone overnight
babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone
Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’.
*

The threat of prosecution, even if it's a private one by the NSPCC, is there. So, a very able child intellectually, may still leave an iron on a carpet, a pan to boil dry, an overloaded tumble dryer etc while their attention is utterly taken up in another room by what is on their screen. 12, 22 or 32 - same problem, sometimes. Photographic memory, minimal common sense! Actually, I think the problem used to be there with kids immersed in books, but computer games have intensified the problem beyond a joke.

A friend used to take in foreign students. Chinese lad, never used a western cooker before, put a chicken in the oven just on its own. No pan, no lid. Switched oven on, went out. Friend returned to a blackened kitchen that had to be totally redecorated!

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@steppemum
"I think you are confusing 'left for a few hours' with 'left overnight'

In Uk it is absolutely fine to leave a NT 14 year old for a few hours. Even all day.
Most secondary school aged kids are home alone after school til parents get in from work.
That is from age 11."

OK, so my experience is almost entirely with the neurodiverse, so I read the governance a little differently:

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone
*
The law on leaving your child on their own
The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.

Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, for example at home or in a car.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says:

children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under 16 should not be left alone overnight
babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone
Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’.
*

The threat of prosecution, even if it's a private one by the NSPCC, is there. So, a very able child intellectually, may still leave an iron on a carpet, a pan to boil dry, an overloaded tumble dryer etc while their attention is utterly taken up in another room by what is on their screen. 12, 22 or 32 - same problem, sometimes. Photographic memory, minimal common sense! Actually, I think the problem used to be there with kids immersed in books, but computer games have intensified the problem beyond a joke.

A friend used to take in foreign students. Chinese lad, never used a western cooker before, put a chicken in the oven just on its own. No pan, no lid. Switched oven on, went out. Friend returned to a blackened kitchen that had to be totally redecorated![/quote]

1. your comment was before the OP said anything about being Neuro diverse.
2. There are many, many threads on mn about 'can I leave my 10 year old for 2 hours' or 'is it ok to leave my 14 year old all day on Saturday' or 'do I need to find a babysitter for my 13 year old'

It is a topic well rehashed on here, and let's just say, I don't know what planet you are on. Leaving a (NT) 14 year old for several hours is fine. Even (shock horror) leaving them all day. Leaving them overnight is not fine.

The guidance you quote says 'children under 12, and long periods of time'
14 and a few hours doesn't fit that does it?

@steppemum I don't think this is really the point of what OP is getting at.

She is seeing a teenager that in her view wants to spend time with his dad and dad is shuffling off to the gym.She doesn't want to compound the issue of isolation by shuffling off out and leaving him .How long to leave the child is moot point.
She's acting and advocating for a teenager that may not be able to verbalise hey I wanna hang out with dad, to dad.

She can completely go out and do her own thing and leave DSS. But doesn't want to because contact time is for seeing the kids and if it's limited: DP can go to the gym at any other time other than contact time or take him with him.

@steppemum

I've clearly pushed a button or two. I pointed out above that most of my experience is with the neurodiverse. As such, I'm fairly accurate at picking up on it. So, yes, my planet may be different from yours. Problem?

Spaceship
you made an very inaccurate statement.
It was prior to any comments about ND kids.

When I pointed it out, you quoted the whole NSPCC website to make a point.
And then used it inaccuractely as the very page you posted made the opposite point.
and are now keen to point out that it is OK to make that inaccurate statement as you were referring to ND kids, depsite that not being the case when you posted.

It is not me who has had a nerve touched!

candles - apologise for derailing the thread, my comments were just to spaceships comments and not the OP.

I am bewildered by everyone just accepting that teenagers spill cereal all over the kitchen and just leave it!
I don’t know any that wouldn’t be expected to clean it up. No wonder they are lazy and entitled.

@steppemum

If you read my original post, you will see that I'm replying to a US poster that the law may be different here than in the US, and why. I don't claim legal expertise.

Ok I wasn't expecting tons more replies. I don't expect him to be perfect and walking on eggshells. But my point is that if you spill stuff, you clean it up yourself. I spill stuff. But no one else has to notice it and clean it up after me. He has his head stuck so far in his devices all the time that he just doesn't see anything else. But I want HIS DAD to be policing this and picking him up on it. It's not my job. But sometimes his dad also has his mind on other things, or is out, as I said before. Honestly I have no idea how I'm the only one in this house who sees what needs doing. That's where the resentment is coming from. SS will do stuff if asked. I just don't want to be the one who has to spoon feed him all the time. He's not 5.

OP i see where you are coming from, and that the resentment is not about expecting him to be perfect but that to you it feels like he or dh makes no effort. But you need to realize this would have been exactly the same situation with your dc too; kids are messy and need to be told, so it is not really a step thing...

The unique step thing here, is that you dont want the battle but want your dh to do the education. And yes he should; but why dont you as well? It is your house too, and your rules should be clear, it would make everyone's lives easier.

I was a sc at some point - (as well as an sm) - so let me tell you an example with my first sm. She had an attitude, where she would tell her dc what she wanted straight, but would rarely communicate with me; possibly because she wanted to avoid confrontation. A polite but unhappy woman. My dad had not too much care about household chores and like your dh, wouldnt see cereals on the floor or think that the window should be closed because radiators are on. After many years spending time in the house i was visiting, one day she says to me, it would be nice if you wiped the shower after you finish. Which i replied oh yes of course, please show me how! At the time i was a teenager. In my house noone had ever asked me to do that and i had no concept of this. It would not have occurred to me in a million years that that was an something expected of me. But i had no resentment or issue with it at all, once told. In fact i appreciated some sign of life and emotion from that sm....the point i am trying to make is, have your own relationship and wants and not wants with your sc, they might appreciate it and it might get you closer!

@Pompypomypomp I get where you're coming from and it's interesting to hear a SC point of view. I guess my issue is I spend a fair amount of time 'nagging' my DD when she is home from uni and I don't want to be the one who is doing the nagging all of the time. I feel it is up to my husband to educate his son as to what needs doing in our house. I might be taking it a little far but I don't really want to parent his child - it's not my job.