Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Need to get this off my chest

89 replies

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 13:42

It's this or have an argument with my husband which I'm trying to avoid! Been with him for 9 years, married for 3. I have one daughter at uni, he has a 14yo who is with us 3 nights a week.

I'm sat here counting the hours til he goes back to his mum's later because I feel like all of the mental load of him being here has been on me. I don't usually feel like this, maybe I'm having a hormonal day, but the time he spends here usually goes the same way.

Husband doesn't do much with him, he spends all his time in his room apart from meal times. This morning husband buggered off to gym leaving him behind, and then went on somewhere else so was gone for about 4 hours. I know he doesn't need babysitting at his age but in my head there's no real point him being here if he's not spending time with his dad. (He's now taken him out for lunch after I pointed out that I never get the bloody house to myself!)

Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away.

I know none of these are big issues and I may get a roasting, but it just frustrates me as my husband doesn't notice any of this and I feel like I'm the one who's always complaining. I don't have my own child at home to pick up after and I just feel like I shouldn't have to be doing it for his child.

Should I just let the small things go and step back?

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/11/2021 20:32

But I'm sure I'll be told that I married him therefore it's now his house.

If you split after a short marriage, I believe the house stays yours. As long as you haven't gifted him half.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/11/2021 21:28

This isn't about DSS is it really. I'm guessing but actually do you think it's be because you can see DSS wants to spend time with DH and him buggering off and leaving him makes you feel like you want to fill the void (knowing you can't) and feeling bit sorry for the kid.

Then when DH isn't doing the nasty parts of parenting aka teenager clean up your stuff it gets further under your skin.

I think this isn't so much about cleaning more that DH is abdicating their role as parent hoping you will slot in and step up for him.

Then to add insult to injury you seem your house to a living tip and your essentially a maid ?

Maybe I have read to much into that but that's the vibe I'm getting ?

If I'm right I can totally see why you have gotten here, I think you need to have a word with DH and say you need to make a effort with your child before that child decides they don't wanna see you anymore.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 21:32

@candlelightsatdawn you're spot on.

OP posts:

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 21:49

If DH isn't here why would the DSC be here?! Even their mum isn't that ridiculous to send them to stay with me when he isn't here just because it's his time.

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 21:50

And if it wasn't for me the "home" he provided would be shit.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/11/2021 21:55

@sunshinelover69 so in that case you need to say to him right your contact time is for you to spend time with your child.

Your child may like me but they aren't here for me, they are here for you and you need to step up because ultimately you will pay the consequence for this.

This isn't about if SC considers it home or not that's a red herring. Home is where the heart is and that heart lies with DH. He should be making sure he's making this a home for all of you.

Outline what he has to lose if he continues down the path. Whilst knowing that that stepping out will no longer be tolerated by you and be prepared to back this up in whatever way you see fit.

I say this as a child of a blended family. Be really explicit with SC that you expect DH to spend time with them and you do not agree with DP behaviour in relation to this. You might find DSC behaviour better as a result.

worriedatthemoment · 27/11/2021 22:15

He sounds like a teenager and isn't his dads home also his home
If he lived with you full time
He would be in his room a lot and you would go out do whats the difference
Hes not just a visitor

worriedatthemoment · 27/11/2021 22:19

So does your dh not pay billd or anything towards the house at all
And yes you did marry your dh and therefore his son is part of the package of you didn't want them in your home why not rent together and rent our yours
Maybe your dss spends so much time in his room as he doesn't feell comfortable in the rest of the house

Carrotte · 27/11/2021 22:20

And yes you did marry your dh and therefore his son is part of the package there is no legal commitment to his son.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/11/2021 22:25

@worriedatthemoment have you read the thread 😩😩😩😩 for the love of god if the SC isn't feeling welcome at this home, then it's down to the parent to step up and spend time with his child and you know parent.

As a step parent I know I am not my SCs mum. She has a DM and a dad to parent her. I have no parental rights or legal obligations to her married to her father or not. I am in addition to her life not to replace a parent that's failing.

Wanna place some shame and blame, blame the actual parent. Not Op

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 23:49

@worriedatthemoment

So does your dh not pay billd or anything towards the house at all And yes you did marry your dh and therefore his son is part of the package of you didn't want them in your home why not rent together and rent our yours Maybe your dss spends so much time in his room as he doesn't feell comfortable in the rest of the house

Or maybe he spends all his time in his room because he's a 14yo boy and that's what they do, unless their dad is doing stuff with them. I cook for him. I do his washing. I make him welcome. But I refuse to parent him.

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 28/11/2021 00:21

@candlelightsatdawn where did insay she had to parent at 14?he doesn't have to spend every waking moment with his dad either and can stay in his room
And yes I have tad the thread and guess what im entitled to an opinion and comment as well

worriedatthemoment · 28/11/2021 00:22

@Carrotte legal commitment he'd a child not a possession

worriedatthemoment · 28/11/2021 00:27

@sunshinelover69 which is also what I said
My second comment was to you saying it was your house and you took them inetc etc
At no point did I mention you having to parenting him at the same time I do'r think he needs to spend all his time with his dad when at yours either as many teenage boys don't
I never commented on you cleaning up after him as thats more of a dh issue as one he should make him clear of your joint rules in your house and also help clean up ,cook etc

worriedatthemoment · 28/11/2021 00:29

@candlelightsatdawn I never blamed the op but my comment was aimed how she had let them in to her house etc
Well that was a decision made and expected surely when she married a man with a dc that having them both in the house would come with the marriage

MeridianB · 28/11/2021 08:41

Is DSS with you every weekend from Friday to Sunday, OP?

Does he go out with mates at all or is it all about the gaming together over internet right now?

Would your DH say he’s tried and failed many times to get him out of the house so has just given up? Not making excuses for him but wondering if he’s just accepted this is the way things look in these early teen years?

candlelightsatdawn · 28/11/2021 09:22

The problem in my view isn't the SC. It rarely is actually because by the nature of children they are molded by the parents.

What I'm trying to point to point out to OP the reason why she's cross don't really SC, rather than DH.

It's not surprising that when people marry sometimes they get lazy in all areas and take their partner for granted. It's not something you may always see until your actually living together and or married. Pointing out that surely she would know SC would live with them after marriage doesn't help (in my view) because it's not constructive. I'm sure most people realise this but many wouldn't be able to mystic Meg themselves into the future and expect their DP to slowly but surely pass all the buck to OP.

It's unhelpful to focus on the SC because it's a red herring, if she's unhappy with SC behaviour re the house she needs to take it up with the parent. As he is the parent. OP needs to speak to her partner or objectivity consider if she can live under these conditions.

She's unhappy that she's being left with SC who in her view wants to spend with their dad. She's being a decent step mum flagging this even if DSS is happy in his tech.

Coming from a blended house, I know that it's awful to feel like your being dropped from your actual parent and I'm glad that my step dad made sure my mum never did this.

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 28/11/2021 09:24

@MeridianB

Is DSS with you every weekend from Friday to Sunday, OP?

Does he go out with mates at all or is it all about the gaming together over internet right now?

Not Friday to Sunday, no. Weds to Sat. And no, he never goes anywhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 28/11/2021 10:11

To be honest it's less about him being in his room on his tech all the time (although I would quite like the house to myself once in a while) and more about me having to do all of the 'supervision' crap that comes with making sure teenagers have cleaned up after themselves. It shouldn't be my job. I have no kids at home any more, I should be having an easy life.

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 28/11/2021 10:18

The make your dh responsible for his ds washing, cooking etc as I guess you are when your child comes back from uni

Tattler2 · 28/11/2021 12:25

OP, why not give your husband a list of the cleaning task that need to be done when his son is there and then leave it to them to sort how and when it gets done.

My husband and step children moved into the house that I owned when we got married. He maintained his condo, but my house was large enough for all of the kids to have individual bedrooms. Had we opted to move into his condo the kids would have had to share rooms.

Our solution was that I continued to pay the mortgage on my house and he continues to pay the mortgage on his condo. There is no confusion as to who owns each property. However, both sets of kids are at the house 50/50 (at the same time) and we all consider my house to be " our home". He pays half of all of the related living expenses other than the mortgage. We do not require that either big us be present in order for the kids to be in their home. The kids have keys ( as we both did to out home when we were growing up) to the house.

At age 14, mist kids will speak up if they want to do things with a parent or if they are feeling neglected. I would assume that your step son would say something to his dad should the arrangement not be working to his satisfaction.

You had the privilege of raising your children in the manner of your choosing. Does your husband not deserve that same .opportunity?

However, he does not get to factor you in as the cleaning service in his parenting style. This is where you should make your expectations clear.

I would feel very uncomfortable should my step children not feel that they were at home when with their dad, but I recognize that my feelings do not represent the only, the absolute, or even the best way to feel about that subject. What we do try to do is to respect each other's right to parent as we each see fit. We are a unit together, but within that unit are 2 separate parents with largely compatible views but with some occasional differences that are respected and
unchallenged as relates to our respective children.

Wishitsnows · 28/11/2021 12:33

Sounds like you've got a shitty husband. He needs to step up and engage with his child.can see why he has an ex! Not fair on you or the child though

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 28/11/2021 13:45

Yeah we've had the conversation about the chores etc and he does it for a bit then it goes out the window again.

Anyway 3 days of peace now. Happy weekend!

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/11/2021 14:51

@Tattler2

There is a UK specific issue that might complicate this. Leaving children home alone here is mightily frowned on. Not sure what the current age rules are, but 14 is borderline.

Also, the special needs factor. A child who is surgically attached to their console/pc/tablet etc may well have have autism or ADD in the mix. The house could burn down around them and they play on until their clothes are on fire. (Not joking). They don't hear you when you call them for meals, and trying to detach them temporarily from the digital sustenance generates a massive meltdown.

So if you have one of these children, leaving them the house for a few hours is a subject for much heart searching!

Original poster

sunshinelover69 · 28/11/2021 14:56

That's a very good point @SpaceshiptoMars. I do think that DSS is on the spectrum but my husband refuses to label it. We do leave him sometimes but only for a couple of hours max. Now I'm questioning whether we should do that after your post.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4