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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Need to get this off my chest

89 replies

sunshinelover69 · 27/11/2021 13:42

It's this or have an argument with my husband which I'm trying to avoid! Been with him for 9 years, married for 3. I have one daughter at uni, he has a 14yo who is with us 3 nights a week.

I'm sat here counting the hours til he goes back to his mum's later because I feel like all of the mental load of him being here has been on me. I don't usually feel like this, maybe I'm having a hormonal day, but the time he spends here usually goes the same way.

Husband doesn't do much with him, he spends all his time in his room apart from meal times. This morning husband buggered off to gym leaving him behind, and then went on somewhere else so was gone for about 4 hours. I know he doesn't need babysitting at his age but in my head there's no real point him being here if he's not spending time with his dad. (He's now taken him out for lunch after I pointed out that I never get the bloody house to myself!)

Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away.

I know none of these are big issues and I may get a roasting, but it just frustrates me as my husband doesn't notice any of this and I feel like I'm the one who's always complaining. I don't have my own child at home to pick up after and I just feel like I shouldn't have to be doing it for his child.

Should I just let the small things go and step back?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/11/2021 15:08

I would be leaving DH and DSS laundry for your DH to do.

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 15:10

Could you do a fire drill and set the alarm off and see what he does?

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/11/2021 15:12

@sunshinelover69

The most desperate posts I see on this forum are from women faced with NT issues in both partner and child and heads in the sand all round about it. You could rig the house up with pressure pads (detect movement) and smoke alarms throughout that alert your phone - like for a parent with dementia.

A bright NT child will slowly pick this kind of thing up and make adaptions, but need 'minding' well past the normal expected age. And they think they are too damn clever to be told, tooGrin

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/11/2021 15:18

Sorry, non-NT, not NT above.

candlelightsatdawn · 28/11/2021 15:22

Yer I mean my DSD isn't NT and god she's lovely but we couldn't leave her alone in the home. The fire alarm went off when I was cooking and she didn't move a inch. She said she didn't even notice.

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 15:22

@candlelightsatdawn

Yer I mean my DSD isn't NT and god she's lovely but we couldn't leave her alone in the home. The fire alarm went off when I was cooking and she didn't move a inch. She said she didn't even notice.
I'm going to do a fire drill right now...
candlelightsatdawn · 28/11/2021 15:27

@Carrotte do report back ! Once she knew what it was, after multiple attempts she was like ok I can hear it what am I supposed to do about it 😅😅😅

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 16:40

Eldest stayed in room on phone. Youngest came to find us. Which was sweet but I've made them do it again and timed them getting out the house.

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 16:41

So yeah won't be leaving them on their own anytime soon

Tattler2 · 28/11/2021 17:12

@SpaceshiptoMars
In the States, leaving a special needs child alone would probably be frowned upon, but would not be illegal. I think that most parents with special needs children tend to be aware of them limitations and constraints. Other more mature 14 year olds , will actually serve as sitters. My daughter could certainly be responsible and attentive for herself and her younger brother at age 14. Ultimately, I would say that it is a situational decision. Many people on the spectrum actually work and live alone. The OP only raised the possibility of the spectrum after your posting.

In any case, it is not an unresovable situation.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/11/2021 17:28

I think that most parents with special needs children tend to be aware of them limitations and constraints.

The really bright ones slip through the net, and can mask it almost until university. It is when the unexpected happens and they are totally unprepared. Then bizarre things occur, because they have to wing it - and go totally off-piste.

Tattler2 · 28/11/2021 17:49

I am not sure what the exact correlation is between being bright and the ability to respond well in emergency situations. Just last week there was a minor fire in one of the labs in our office bldg. Two of the physicians , boarded the elevator as the fire alarm was going off; they both had to be called out a reminded that you do board an elevator in the event of a fire. Both of these very bright men were on the 6th floor, and both could have been trapped in an elevator shaft had this been a serious event.

HelloDulling · 28/11/2021 18:05

I have no kids at home any more, I should be having an easy life.

But you offered to share your home with a man and his child who is younger than your children. He was always going to be around once yours had left home.

Original poster
sunshinelover69 · 28/11/2021 22:56

But you offered to share your home with a man and his child who is younger than your children. He was always going to be around once yours had left home.

Yes, he was. But I never expected to be doing his grunt work.

OP posts:
GayParis · 28/11/2021 23:10

Just to play devils advocate - the stepson is with you 3 nights a week, not 3 nights a month.

It's more or less half and half between his dads and his mums so I don't think it's fair to expect your husband to spend every waking minute of those 3 days with him - at 14 it's very normal to be doing his own thing and not spending a tremendous amount of time with your parents, especially how often he's with you guys.

RandomMess · 28/11/2021 23:21

Hence you need to step back and stop doing the grunt work.

Your DH can do the cooking and tidying on the 3 nights DSS stays. He can do all DSS laundry, bed sheets, room tidying/nagging, gift buying, clothes sorting etc etc.

RandomMess · 28/11/2021 23:23

If you want to go out on DSS days tell DH no he can't go to the gym/out etc as you have plans.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful if you are doing all the domestic work instead of DH

Pompypomypomp · 29/11/2021 09:47

Your dh needs to spend more time with him but want to focus on the other but here. The things you cited as irritating sound like a none issue and you should think whether he, just by being a child you don't want in your space is the real issue, and not really what he does... Do you just not like him, do you not like the idea of a sc, do you resent having someone in your house? Do you resent your dh? What's the real issue that you're projecting on these little irritations?

"Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away."

Window being left open, laundry not being folded, and dropped cereal on the floor. We are talking about a 14 year old. Why do you need him to be so perfect? If he was amazingly tidy, would you want him around still? Just be honest to yourself and go from there.

Also, if you make him feel like he needs to be perfectly tidy and neat all the time and he's walking in eggshells, that's probably why he wants to stay in his room and not communicate much with you.

steppemum · 29/11/2021 10:10

[quote sunshinelover69]@Tattler2 he doesn't live here though. He lives with his mum and comes here for contact with his dad. This isn't an intact family so I'm not sure what your point is. If his dad was working away for example, or on holiday, then he wouldn't come.[/quote]
he does live there.

He lives there for 2 nights per week (or whatever)

That right there is why you are finding it hard.
From your persepctive, your house is child free and as you like it, and this boy 'visits' for a few nights.

But in reality, this is his home on those days, and he is behaving like a teen at home.
In one way, that is good as he feels relaxed there which is right, but I think that you are struggling because you see him as messing up YOUR house, rather than him being a teen in his own home.

Tattler2's post on page 1 was spot on.

candlelightsatdawn · 29/11/2021 10:14

@Pompypomypomp

Your dh needs to spend more time with him but want to focus on the other but here. The things you cited as irritating sound like a none issue and you should think whether he, just by being a child you don't want in your space is the real issue, and not really what he does... Do you just not like him, do you not like the idea of a sc, do you resent having someone in your house? Do you resent your dh? What's the real issue that you're projecting on these little irritations?

"Things that have irritated me this week.... Came home from a night out to find bathroom window wide open after SS shower and heating on full blast. Not clearing up his own mess after breakfast/lunch (I'm talking cereal all over the floor). Walking straight past his clean washing outside his room without thinking to put it away."

Window being left open, laundry not being folded, and dropped cereal on the floor. We are talking about a 14 year old. Why do you need him to be so perfect? If he was amazingly tidy, would you want him around still? Just be honest to yourself and go from there.

Also, if you make him feel like he needs to be perfectly tidy and neat all the time and he's walking in eggshells, that's probably why he wants to stay in his room and not communicate much with you.

Here we go. Let's just assume it's because OP hates or resents the child 🤯

How is it abundantly not clear that actually just because OP is female that she doesn't have by default has to clean up and parent a child that's not hers ? And would be told quite quickly by posters on here to tow the line if she ever stepped into the parenting role.

This isn't a SC issue nor is he doing anything hideously wrong by children's standards. But DP is as he is the adult and the parent of the child so should be either parenting SC so they clean up after self or doing it himself not leaving it for the female of the house to do it.

Why does DH get to avoid this all and blame and shame put on Op because she's female ?

steppemum · 29/11/2021 10:20

There is a UK specific issue that might complicate this. Leaving children home alone here is mightily frowned on. Not sure what the current age rules are, but 14 is borderline.

I think you are confusing 'left for a few hours' with 'left overnight'

In Uk it is absolutely fine to leave a NT 14 year old for a few hours. Even all day.
Most secondary school aged kids are home alone after school til parents get in from work.
That is from age 11.

Overnight the recommended age is 16.

But there are no legal rules around this in UK. Just what is considered the norm.

Pompypomypomp · 29/11/2021 11:13

I didn't assume, I asked, along with a bunch of other things. It is a legitimate question. Come on now, is it normal to expect a 14 year old to behave amazingly perfect, not drop cereals or leave a window open and get irritated for these things? It's funny that whatever sm say here are perfectly ok and it's always dh, sc or ex or someone else that's out of order.

Plus Why did you yourself assume I was telling her it's her duty to clean cos she's a female. Nowhere I said smt like this? Sorry but you made that up from your a. hilarious. Maybe you too are projecting.

candlelightsatdawn · 29/11/2021 11:36

I would @Pompypomypomp honestly I would but this sentence kinda summarised the type of hand wringing and assumption that can only come from someone who typically isn't a step parent.

Also, if you make him feel like he needs to be perfectly tidy and neat all the time and he's walking in eggshells, that's probably why he wants to stay in his room and not communicate much with you.

Why is thinking asking a teenager to clean up after themselves asking them to be perfectly tidy and walking on eggshells ? I ask my DD to tidy up after herself, I don't think that's a unreasonable ask and I don't think that it's unreasonable to ask a SC.

It's funny that whatever sm say here are perfectly ok and it's always dh, sc or ex or someone else that's out of order.

Funny you talk of projection, whilst solely focused on the on SM and ignoring all the other players compounding the issue.
Plenty of SM have been called out on here rightly so, because they were being unreasonable, but rarely does bad behaviour by anyone else get called out without excuses being made.

Youseethethingis · 29/11/2021 11:43

My 2 year old dutifully trots over to me and asks for kitchen paper to clean up if he spills his Weetabix, which he then puts in the bin himself without any prompting.
I'm struggling to see how it can possibly be too much to ask of a 14 year old.

Pompypomypomp · 29/11/2021 12:10

"Why is thinking asking a teenager to clean up after themselves asking them to be perfectly tidy and walking on eggshells ? I ask my DD to tidy up after herself, I don't think that's a unreasonable ask and I don't think that it's unreasonable to ask a SC."

First of all these examples do not warrant the level of irritation to this extent. What you are saying is exactly the point though. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a step child to be neater. You'd expect these things and warn your kid if they were biological, step, adopted... Also I don't think it's unreasonable for a teenager to, god forbid, drop some cereal on the floor. Our house is a daily mess. Sometimes I'm irritated, but I just moan and do not silently start wishing my family members not to be in their house anymore. Only in the sm situation communication becomes soo difficult. A simple clean up dear please, here's the wipe would resolve this. The kid is then comfortable cos the sm is not making it into a big thing and behaving in a way any normal family would, the sm would be comfortable cos she can say what she thinks. This non communication seems to lead to such unnecessary drama, and resentment that just grows and grows...