Covid and blended family set up

[candlelightsatdawn]

Hi all, ok just so I don't drif feed I'm a high risk pregnancy and I have been told if baby survives the pregnancy (it's not a given currently) they will want me to have a c section and baby need a stay in nuci .Problem being is me and my DH will ask to isolate 10 days before the OP

This means that my DD will probably have to stay with my mum due to me not wanting to interrupt her preschool time or routine and so we can't catch anything from her (kids are germy right) which might mean we can't spend time with baby (what time we may or may not have with baby) or me having to have c section on own due to him being sick and not let in (they do check they checked with my sisters husband)

Problem is DH ex on extreme the scale of totally and utterly relaxed re Covid. I totally respect everyone's views on Covid and I'm not entering into a debate over whether this is right or wrong. When I say relaxed I mean that life didn't change for them at all during all three lockdowns and ex doesn't believe in Covid really. Her choice.
We have DSD three nights a week and ever other evening randomly. She's 12 and her school and year group especially has had several rounds of Covid outbreaks in last few months. It's spreading like wild fire.

Problem is when we have date for c section I'm worried about isolation period and contact. We have caught Covid from them before and weirdly mum was Uber sick with it but it hasn't changed her view point. It's unlikely DSD will be sick with it again badly but very likely she may pass it on and therefore mean I get poorly or DH may not be able to spend time with new baby (it's not obviously a given baby will come home so it could be limited time)

Would I be a absolute 🔔 end to say to DH he needs to have a chat with ex (which we get on with well) we have to isolate before section and won't be having any children in house for a short period or change contact in some way ?

I realise this may all not plan out re the pregnancy and even post that baby may not make it but I just wanted everyone's views. It there any workable suggestions everyone has.

At this point things may change but I just wanted to hear what people thought .

I have a tendency to let people make their own choices but this one the other households choices will be directly impacting my choice to want to not be at risk and I don't want to impose anything on them but I also don't want to up my risk because other doesn't believe in Covid.

Help. Please don't tell me so many things may change right now. I'm so aware of of the changeable nature of the situation I'm in and I want to find out if anyone else has had this ect.

This is completely sensible for a 12 year old, complete no brainer. Child can have explained what is going on and by the age of 12, understand that they are not being excluded but rather being sensible and keeping the baby safe.

I do have to say that I wouldn’t however isolate from my own preschooler I don’t think. In this situation, I would far rather pull the preschooler out of nursery and have them self isolate with me. Then have them return to pre-school/ your mum when you’re admitted to hospital and give me that time after the delivery.

Why? I appreciate that this must be awful and you can only plan for the here and now. But if your baby pulls through and arrives and is in NICU, then what does that look like? How long could the period of self isolation go on for? You’re right, children are germy. Both preschoolers and pre teens. Do you have a plan of what life looks like post delivery?

I cannot imagine the strain and stress and ultimately the baby is the no.1 priority given all that is going on. I guess I’m just wondering, how long could this go on for? And what is a plan b? In the event your baby needs ongoing protection and strict infection control (which I completely understand). Have you discussed that?
for you

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

I too was a step child but part of the second family and was always made to feel last at the priority of the first family. I understand that this can come out in weird ways. My step sister from the first family suffered harshly at the hands of her mother for being kind to me. Neither of us came out unscathed but I love her dearly, she is a good thing and I'm pleased to have her in my life. But I can assure you one thing, I love all the kids in my house and although my DSD isn't mine and I have no right to say this, I love her just as fiercely as my own.

All children I try to treat with equal equity and avoid my childhood pitfalls that befell my family, I tread the tightrope of fairness in a situation that is always shifting and often with power dynamics outside of my control.

I wrote this post knowing people would give me a fair bashing, re Covid and differing opinions because i know that mentally I may not be in the right position to have fair perspective I wanted opinions not to be shamed for people to come and project their own issues on to mine.

However the thought of burying another child is enough for me to not want to accept any risk as a mother.

I strive for equal equity rather than it must be 100% fair at all times because that's not realistic. This baby needs me to do all in my power to keep him safe at this moment. The same as if DSD was in same situation and I had to make the choice to protect her and I would.
Need flex and adapt in any family around the differing needs of each child is normal.

But I'm fairly sick of people assuming that just because I'm step parent that my default will be to exclude my DSD willynilly for any old reason. I haven't plucked this number out of thin air. A medical professional has told me what I need to do to keep another alive. Imagine if we caught something from either my DD or DSD and baby died. Imagine answering that not to a child, but to a adult who would be able to put two and two together and make four. I refuse to put that responsibility on either child.

The fact she's gone away on holiday with her mum for longer and not had any long term effects shows she's a pretty resilient kid, oh and the fact she knows she's loved accepted here and is never excluded also helps.

The fact you didn't even think about the fact there's a person on receiving end of your comment and what effect that's had on me at a time of what I can only describe as hell makes me think that maybe your just a very unhappy person and for that I'm actually quite sorry for you.

Out of interest
How long have you been with your partner?

And how was he during lockdown?

Sorry remember you from another thread

You’ve been with your partner for three years and love your SC as much as your own child.

Wow. I can’t relate to that. Not even close. I’d make a bloody awful step mum

The baby and you come first. Everyone else will have to work around that.

DSD is old enough to understand.

@sassbott the consultant re nuicu was very hazy on their rules so I have no idea so I will ask. I suspect he didn't want to promise anything as he said they are strict but ask directly.

I suppose in my head I'm just thinking get the baby here and then plan but that's probably a bit daft hindsight being a beautiful thing.

This is all so bloody hypothetical in my head because I haven't really come to any realness this may actually happen, we may fingers crossed get there, get a actual live baby. This post was my first venture in thinking ok what if, just maybe and just gently start planning in head. Probably shouldn't have ventured on to MN for my first "gentle" step.

Re DD I worry as it could come across that I'm excluding DSD and not DD, and that fun conversation on "well I can control who she sees and not sees" but I can't with DSD and ex thinks Covid is some made up thing to control the sheeple (ex's words not mine before anyone comes at me again) and may colour both ex's view and DSD even if my choice logically makes sense but emotions rarely do.

I should be more prepared but I'm woefully unprepared.

Thing is I'm having a baby in a pandemic and that was a choice and if baby was healthy this wouldn't be even a discussion on contact and messing around (that said everyone's families different and I wouldn't condemn someone from shuffling priorities if they felt that was what was best for a short period).
However you can't chose whether you get a healthy baby or not. Part of me feels foolish for hoping thinking lighting doesn't struck that many times in one area, or I would have to be cursed.

When we make plans what do they say about god laughing...

@Reallyimeanreally2022 no having emotions (both positive/negative) doesn't make anyone a bad/good stepmom. My family loved me and there were definitely bad eggs. I don't want to be a "perfect stepmom" just a fair one.

I don't subscribe to the whole you have to love them or your rubbish either. No two blended families are the same, and to compare is just the most ridiculous thing in my opinion and it's also unrealistic , for clarities sake my feelings for DSD have no impact on others nor are they a rule for what anyone should or shouldn't model. I have seen people parent much more effectively as step parents when they take a more hands off approach. I am just another care giver and she's got two parents who need to parent.

I suspect it's because DSD is not neotypical and I find her quite interesting as a person, she's got unique way of looking at things.. certainly doesn't mean I don't find it incredibly hard and there's been plenty of issues . Just like I do with my DD on occasion. Both have qualities that grate, I have messed up many occasions. Ect

Sorry just had to jump on that incase anyone was like oh why don't I feel like that and feel rubbish because I am not the norm, neither is my set up and frankly it's not the ideal. But actually I don't think there's any ideal set up just what works for each family.

Oh @candlelightsatdawn

Pulling a pre schooler out of nursery vs a 12 year old out of school are two very different scenarios. I understand you don’t want distinctions to be made, and I would simply look at their ages. And it’s on that basis that I gave that advice. Also the two are at very different stages developmentally. A 12 year old can understand the whys. A pre schooler cannot. 10 days to a pre schooler is never ending, they have no concept of time. Yes I get a 12 year old would miss you all, but again, they understand time, that this is temporary and contact will return.

Listen it’s easy for me to give ‘advice’. My heart goes out to you. My hope is that you do get to the birth and your baby comes through this alive and well. And that you need a plan b post delivery.

The contact will remain problematic I feel if you reach the above (happy) scenario. You and your preschooler can isolate. For however long is necessary. The 12 year old cannot and her mother also won’t - so the exposure/ risk remains.

You can cross that bridge when you come to it. But if you have the bandwidth perhaps give it some thought now. I dunno, I’d also find the presence of the pre schooler soothing. Their absence of knowledge of the seriousness of life can be chicken soup for the soul. Their every day pre schooler ways can just lift and comfort. I just remember back to when my father died and my eldest was a toddler. Post the funeral, he was just what the family needed as he ran in and started to play, having not a care in the world. And the rest of the family? Well we played.

Do what you need. Don’t worry about every one else. X

* I love her just as fiercely as my own. *

It was this that intrigued.
The idea of living any child other than my own as “fiercely as my own” is not something I could possibly imagine. Let alone a child I’ve known barely 3 years.

But that’s wonderful for you SC that you do I suppose!

Why isn't the obvious thing to do is to consult the medical professionals involved and to follow their instructions and advice?

Why pay for medical expertise and then opt to treat it as suggestions rather than the informed instruction and input from those best positioned to provide that information?

At the end of the day ,those professionals are the ones with the training and experience in dealing with both high risk pregnancies and COVID impact in high risk pregnancy situations.

This is not a situation in which you want to rely on personal feelings or advice from well intentioned strangers. This is a situation in which you want to rely on input from those best equipped to provide that input and information.

@Reallyimeanreally2022 I have known her and the family since she was born as her aunty is my best friend for last 20years so I have a unfair advantage on most.

This also explains why I get on with the ex actually.

@Tattler2 it's more actually that I know the ex won't accept what medical professionals are going to say due to her views and that complicates things in DSD life and by proxy mine. However her views may not also be DSD views which is something I hadn't considered until this thread.

I have also decided for myself what I'm willing to do, but my choice may not be DH choice (as he as a parent has to make the best choice for both his children) although I suspect he will follow my lead. Blended families can't and don't operate in a solo. I need to at a certain degree step back and view objectively for all parties.

Blended families it's never black and white but often a whole spectrum of grey. I wanted the spectrum not people's views on do they agree with covid ect

@sassbott you have given me some food for thought here actually. DD is like a comfort blanket, I suppose she's the hope in bodied in a little tiny person that miracles can happen.

I'm incredibly bad at putting myself first (my therapist would link that straight back to my family dynamics growing up) something that's obvious to others is not always to me.

Thank you 💐 I'm sorry about your dad I'm definitely going to think on that point.

YANBU re DSD - she needs to stay away. YABU re your preschooler though. 10 days is such a long time. I think you should keep DD at home from preschool for 10 days, then when you are due to go into hospital, send DD to your mum's. Best of luck.

It's the best decision to make for DSC and your unborn child so I see no conflict of interest or reason for your DH to choose anything else. As you say, they have been away on holiday longer.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

I understand but this isn't just being excluded for the sake of it. This is a high risk situation. And it's best for all involved, including the DSC to minimise the risks as much as they can as advised by medical experts.

Another thread on here where too many posters lack empathy and be damned cruel with their comments.

OP your unborn child is extremely vulnerable, you are extremely vulnerable. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your baby. Everyone else takes second priority in this scenario (and before the keyboard warriors flash their swords- it's not a forever situation, the others in this scenario are only a lower priority for this short period of time).

You have been more than accommodating to everyone's feelings, but this is about the health of your unborn child and that takes precedence over everything. As for the 10 days, yes it's government guidance but 10 days is a political decision not a scientific one. COVID can be present for far longer than that- in your scenario I would consider isolating for longer and certainly not 3 days- there is absolutely no point in isolating if you are going to do it for that long!

As for giving your husband the choice, you are far more diplomatic than I would be! This potentially could be the only time he would see his baby, and labour isn't easy at the best of times- you will need him there more than you have probably ever needed him before.

My heart absolutely goes out to you, I can't comprehend the absolute torment and worry you are currently going through. I hope and pray that everything goes well for you. Xx

Finally give this dilemma to your husband to sort. You have enough on your plate x

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

In spite of everything else? In spite even of situations where another child might pass away?

You really have no place commenting on any of these threads. Go and sort your own issues out rather than trying to inflict maximum pain upon unknown people on forums.

So wee update :
DH spoke to DSD for anyone that has seen my previous posts you will my DSD is not neurologically typical. So her response may seem slightly odd to some but I can assure you it's perfectly normal for her, god bless her soul.

DH spoke to her about how poorly DS will be (he didn't actually say he may not live as that's to much info for a child and we don't want her worrying if) she interrupted him mid flow - totally normal, not her being rude before he could explain about potential isolation and said "oh good I want another sibling, I have been asking for one a while now . Now we must keep him safe and (insert my name) too I'm rather fond of her (😭) so does this mean I can go to grandmas and eat sweets and stay up all night for a week or so." 🤯 her preferential choice is to go to grandmas it would appear. Not sure how mum will feel about that but seems like a doable plan.

Turns out that she's has pals who have parents who have had to isolate during Covid due to new baby and been sent to grandparents and she gets it and seems fairly excited at prospect at being spoilt rotten.

She also raised off her own back after DH explained the consultant said re Covid that she knows what her mums like with covid and is actually a bit worried about approaching her mum as she wants the jab when time comes "but mums been spending to much time on Facebook again" but that's a separate issue I'm leaving DH to battle. She's seen on of her pals get v poorly with covid so I think is a bit scared tbh, I hadn't clocked this as she can be quite insular. I personally think she's at a age to decide what she wants re that but not my area.

So all is well that ends well, DH said she seemed a bit more concerned about me as she said I haven't been looking v well (I'm trying not to be mortally offended by her honesty but here we are. She's right and it made me laugh).

So the situation may change and suddenly it becomes real and she has a change of heart but right now I feel like a weight has been taken off shoulders. Afterwards she came and sat far to close to me and patted my hand (without eye contact) and told me not to die or worry to much. I think that for us is probably the best outcome I could have expected.

The three year old still has no idea of what this means and ex may put her two pence in it's still very much up in the air.
I suppose this is proof that as adults we can over complicate a child's reaction and always best to ask.

Thank you for all the kind posts and comments. I feel a bit foolish for worrying as much as I did. DH seemed not a iota surprised at her reaction so I may have totally underestimated my DSD.

Also anyone that wants to @ me at my DSD comments over Covid, I stand by her choice to disagree with her mother on the jab and she's entitled to feel differently to her mother at her age. However that will be a conversation that DH has and I'm staying well away.

I will however have a chat with her about Covid and try to reduce her fears and help her feel safer where ever I can, I will of course when I have a chance reiterate that I don't plan to die and this circumstance is totally not the norm and I don't want her worrying.

That is such a lovely update OP. I hope to keep coming back and hearing things go as well as they can do. Your DSD clearly loves you and you do sound like a great mum and step mum.

I was absolutely prepared to say YABU from the thread title, but after reading about your circumstances, no, I really don't think you are. Whatever you need to do is completely understandable. I'm really sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Best wishes.

Now we must keep him safe and (insert my name) too I'm rather fond of her (😭) so does this mean I can go to grandmas and eat sweets and stay up all night for a week or so."

Awwwwwww.

Kids are just the best x great update op, now you can concentrate on your new darling arrival x

@candlelightsatdawn Great update, I'm so glad for you. I'd be super proud of my DD if she'd responded the way your DSD did. She's shown she's more than capable of weighing the facts and reaching her own position on things. She is also perfectly entitled to disagree with her Mum (or anyone for that matter).

My ex and his wife had a baby in the first lockdown and there were numerous complications. I just kept my kids at home throughout and it didn't bother me at all. No need to start a conflict where there is no fault. It was inconvenient and I had to juggle work commitments but I just got on with it. My only gripe would have been lack of communication- which ex has a major problem with anyway. If they had tried to keep me up to speed on changes to their situation it would have been a lot less of a ball ache for me. But I got told nothing until the day she went in for induction, despite the fact that they knew this was happening. My advice would be give the ex and DSD lots of notice and explain/apologise and offer to make up for it further down the line.