Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Covid and blended family set up

110 replies

candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 15:20

Hi all, ok just so I don't drif feed I'm a high risk pregnancy and I have been told if baby survives the pregnancy (it's not a given currently) they will want me to have a c section and baby need a stay in nuci .Problem being is me and my DH will ask to isolate 10 days before the OP

This means that my DD will probably have to stay with my mum due to me not wanting to interrupt her preschool time or routine and so we can't catch anything from her (kids are germy right) which might mean we can't spend time with baby (what time we may or may not have with baby) or me having to have c section on own due to him being sick and not let in (they do check they checked with my sisters husband)

Problem is DH ex on extreme the scale of totally and utterly relaxed re Covid. I totally respect everyone's views on Covid and I'm not entering into a debate over whether this is right or wrong. When I say relaxed I mean that life didn't change for them at all during all three lockdowns and ex doesn't believe in Covid really. Her choice.
We have DSD three nights a week and ever other evening randomly. She's 12 and her school and year group especially has had several rounds of Covid outbreaks in last few months. It's spreading like wild fire.

Problem is when we have date for c section I'm worried about isolation period and contact. We have caught Covid from them before and weirdly mum was Uber sick with it but it hasn't changed her view point. It's unlikely DSD will be sick with it again badly but very likely she may pass it on and therefore mean I get poorly or DH may not be able to spend time with new baby (it's not obviously a given baby will come home so it could be limited time)

Would I be a absolute 🔔 end to say to DH he needs to have a chat with ex (which we get on with well) we have to isolate before section and won't be having any children in house for a short period or change contact in some way ?

I realise this may all not plan out re the pregnancy and even post that baby may not make it but I just wanted everyone's views. It there any workable suggestions everyone has.

At this point things may change but I just wanted to hear what people thought .

I have a tendency to let people make their own choices but this one the other households choices will be directly impacting my choice to want to not be at risk and I don't want to impose anything on them but I also don't want to up my risk because other doesn't believe in Covid.

Help. Please don't tell me so many things may change right now. I'm so aware of of the changeable nature of the situation I'm in and I want to find out if anyone else has had this ect.

OP posts:
Florin · 22/10/2021 15:28

If you are isolating from your own daughter it is completely fair to isolate from your partners too. In such difficult circumstances everyone should understand, don’t over think this you are completely right to do so. If the worst was to happen neither of you would ever forgive yourselves for losing out on such precious time that you will never get back due to 10 days not seeing the step children. If it is a case of childcare for his kids does your partner have family who could step in to help as a compromise and show of good will?
Really hope everything works out as well as possible for you and your baby.

Original poster
candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 15:37

@Florin I mean we could totally find care for SD we wouldn't land that on the ex's door.

It's more the whole ex won't get it (covidsmovid) and be annoyed and say something unhelpful and DSD will feel pushed out.

I don't even want to think of something happens post baby arriving and DH isn't at hospital because he's got contact time SD and misses the time with baby. This is just pre baby arriving of a isolation period I'm worried about.I have no idea what nuic guidance will be when if baby gets here (I should probably ask tbh)

It feels like kicking a hornets nest. I can't tell you how nervous this is making me feel about it all.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 15:42

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Florin I mean we could totally find care for SD we wouldn't land that on the ex's door.

It's more the whole ex won't get it (covidsmovid) and be annoyed and say something unhelpful and DSD will feel pushed out.

I don't even want to think of something happens post baby arriving and DH isn't at hospital because he's got contact time SD and misses the time with baby. This is just pre baby arriving of a isolation period I'm worried about.I have no idea what nuic guidance will be when if baby gets here (I should probably ask tbh)

It feels like kicking a hornets nest. I can't tell you how nervous this is making me feel about it all. [/quote]
Don't let your DHs ex's potential irrational response stress you out, it isn't worth your headspace right now. If she's going to say something to DSD she's going to say something, the fact is you will also be isolating from your DD and this is just something that needs to happen due to a medical emergency. A reasonable person would understand. But let your DH deal with it either way.

Ozanj · 22/10/2021 16:02

DSD is old enough that you can go directly to her and tell her what you will be doing. Young people under 16 seem to get the gravity of covid in a way older people just don’t.

hg165 · 22/10/2021 16:03

I'm saying this as a mum (not a step mum), what you are suggesting sounds entirely reasonable & sensible.

Anyone who would not accommodate this for a couple of weeks is the unreasonable one, especially if you are not even seeing your own DD

Sounds like you & DH have a good relationship with your DSD and a lot of time with her so not like he doesn't make the effort in normal circumstances

I think it's difficult to argue this isn't an extremely exceptional circumstance and for the sake of a few weeks everyone should just pull together and do the right thing.

Sounds like such a difficult & stressful situation. Wishing you all the best Thanks

Hattie765 · 22/10/2021 16:20

No his ex is just going to have to suck it up and keep DSD with her. Not doing so really could put the life of your baby at risk. I had a baby in NICU for 3 months after birth and we nearly lost him through an infection, I'll always wonder if I just didn't wash my hands properly. You need to safeguard your child, your DSD will be well taken care of so don't give it another thought xx

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 16:27

Not sure your dd being away from you for 10 days is a great plan tbh.
Being with her dps is surely more of a routine than nursery?

hg165 · 22/10/2021 16:44

@Monsterpumpkins

Not sure your dd being away from you for 10 days is a great plan tbh. Being with her dps is surely more of a routine than nursery?
In normal circumstances I'd agree but if OP has a baby in NICU and she is sufficiently concerned about him/her then she may feel she doesnt have much choice.

I'm sure it's not a decision she's taken lightly and unless any of us has been in that position, I'm not sure it's for us to judge

MissMaple82 · 22/10/2021 17:00

You say you respect everyone's views but your mocking her view (covidsmovid) hoe long do you intend to keep her away ? At what point do you let the 'risk' I.e his child back in. I think I'd be speaking to the hospital and midwifes for advice. It could cause her to feel pushed out in my opinion.

Coffeepot72 · 22/10/2021 17:00

Surely the priority here has to be the health of a tiny baby?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 17:01

This sounds stressful
What is your condition and how far pregnant are you?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 17:04

The current nhs guidance is isolation for three days before a c section.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 17:08

Op said it was to keep dd's routine and not bring germs from nursery. At home with op would be fine surely?.
Dd may connect being farmed out to dgm's to make way for a new baby... Not a positive start to sibling relationships..

negomi90 · 22/10/2021 17:13

I think your dh needs to speak to DSD first. At 12 it needs to come from him, with lots of reassurance that she's not being pushed out and also honesty about how sick this baby is potentially going to be and how everyone needs to do their bit to give this baby as much of a chance as possible.
At 12 she needs warning about how sick this baby will be so she can mentally be prepared and supported.
She also needs to hear this from her dad, without her mum's views colouring things.
He needs to talk to her, and then tell her mum.

Coffeepot72 · 22/10/2021 17:16

DD may connect being farmed out to dgm’s to make way for a new baby , not a positive start to sibling relationships

And if the OP isn’t extremely careful about infections risks, there may not be a new sibling to start a relationship with. Surely the preservation of life trumps everything in this situation, it’s only 10 days FFS?

gogohm · 22/10/2021 17:28

Are you sure it's 10 days, I know two people who have just had babies and they certainly didn't isolate, ok one was an emergency section but the other was elective due to high risk and she was out with friends the day before, she is double vaxxed though

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 17:38

@gogohm

Are you sure it's 10 days, I know two people who have just had babies and they certainly didn't isolate, ok one was an emergency section but the other was elective due to high risk and she was out with friends the day before, she is double vaxxed though
It’s not

Nhs guidance is explicitly 3 days
And that applies to high risk as well

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 17:49

@MissMaple82

You say you respect everyone's views but your mocking her view (covidsmovid) hoe long do you intend to keep her away ? At what point do you let the 'risk' I.e his child back in. I think I'd be speaking to the hospital and midwifes for advice. It could cause her to feel pushed out in my opinion.
Why are you saying risk in inverted commas? She is a risk. As is OPs DD, hence why she's formed a plan for her.
Pinkyxx · 22/10/2021 18:21

@candlelightsatdawn For your DD it sounds like you have a plan, for her to be with your Mum. Kids that age are constantly getting stuff and a newborn in NICU isn't going to be able to fight it. For your DSD, for me it's no brainer. At 12 your DSD is of an age and understanding to get the risk and understand why. Your DSD stays with her Mum during that time. I say that as a ex wife whose DD (also 12) has contact with her Dad. As ex wife, I wouldn't DREAM of doing anything other than that based on the details you've shared - preservation of life and your ability to spend the time you have with your new born trumps everything else. Its important for you to know you can in the safest way whatever the outcome. Totally respect anyone's wish to live as they choose, but those choices cannot override your wish to protect your child and yourself.

AutumnLeafy · 22/10/2021 18:28

It's what I did.

hg165 · 22/10/2021 19:09

[quote Pinkyxx]**@candlelightsatdawn* For your DD it sounds like you have a plan, for her to be with your Mum. Kids that age are constantly getting stuff and a newborn in NICU isn't going to be able to fight it. For your DSD, for me it's no brainer. At 12 your DSD is of an age and understanding to get the risk and understand why. Your DSD stays with her Mum during that time. I say that as a ex wife whose DD (also 12) has contact with her Dad. As ex wife, I wouldn't DREAM of doing anything other than that based on the details you've shared - preservation of life and your ability to spend the time you have with your new born trumps everything else. Its important for you to know you can* in the safest way whatever the outcome. Totally respect anyone's wish to live as they choose, but those choices cannot override your wish to protect your child and yourself.[/quote]

100% this

I'm also a mum of a DD who spends time with her dad & SM. I don't have a great relationship with my exH and his DP but can't imagine having an issue with this given the circumstances

WTF475878237NC · 22/10/2021 19:12

Personally there is no way I'd risk my baby's safety to avoid upsetting anyone including another teenager in my family or their mother. So I'm with you OP. All the best in your pregnancy.

Original poster
candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 19:56

@MissMaple82

You say you respect everyone's views but your mocking her view (covidsmovid) hoe long do you intend to keep her away ? At what point do you let the 'risk' I.e his child back in. I think I'd be speaking to the hospital and midwifes for advice. It could cause her to feel pushed out in my opinion.
No I was literally saying exactly what the ex has said to me re Covid. Literally word for word "covidsmovid" is what she says I'm not mocking her for it. What a weird angle for you to take ?

She has two options to care about Covid and act accordingly, or not to. Our side of the fence hasn't had that option to choose as being part of a blended family which I have accepted . However I'm now have a external body giving me their recommendations and it's conflicts. Since no ones mystic Meg here, no family could have thought how would a pandemic pan out let a lone how it would work with a blended family joining another households approach if they differ "you knew what you were getting into" because frankly no one could have predicted how they would react during a pandemic.

That Covid issue diverted. That's why I'm asking what people have done, what people think is reasonable and what other people's experiences are with other trusts. If you don't see I'm trying to be pragmatic here you have larger issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 19:58

@gogohm

Are you sure it's 10 days, I know two people who have just had babies and they certainly didn't isolate, ok one was an emergency section but the other was elective due to high risk and she was out with friends the day before, she is double vaxxed though
It's what the consultant has said but he said he expects it may change again as it's always changing. I can only go by what's been told to me but it may change again 😵‍💫
OP posts:
Original poster
candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 20:02

@MissMaple82 also just read some oof your other comments. It's funny because your focusing on my SD but actually the risks are anyone who's not self isolating with us including my own DD or are you just focusing on trying to a paint a narrative that isn't here ?

With this situation I'm risk adverse. At what percentage would you be ok with putting your child at risk ? 5% 10% because unless you have had to put a child in the ground, death is a pretty certain thing. It's a possibility.

OP posts: