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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Covid and blended family set up

110 replies

candlelightsatdawn · 22/10/2021 15:20

Hi all, ok just so I don't drif feed I'm a high risk pregnancy and I have been told if baby survives the pregnancy (it's not a given currently) they will want me to have a c section and baby need a stay in nuci .Problem being is me and my DH will ask to isolate 10 days before the OP

This means that my DD will probably have to stay with my mum due to me not wanting to interrupt her preschool time or routine and so we can't catch anything from her (kids are germy right) which might mean we can't spend time with baby (what time we may or may not have with baby) or me having to have c section on own due to him being sick and not let in (they do check they checked with my sisters husband)

Problem is DH ex on extreme the scale of totally and utterly relaxed re Covid. I totally respect everyone's views on Covid and I'm not entering into a debate over whether this is right or wrong. When I say relaxed I mean that life didn't change for them at all during all three lockdowns and ex doesn't believe in Covid really. Her choice.
We have DSD three nights a week and ever other evening randomly. She's 12 and her school and year group especially has had several rounds of Covid outbreaks in last few months. It's spreading like wild fire.

Problem is when we have date for c section I'm worried about isolation period and contact. We have caught Covid from them before and weirdly mum was Uber sick with it but it hasn't changed her view point. It's unlikely DSD will be sick with it again badly but very likely she may pass it on and therefore mean I get poorly or DH may not be able to spend time with new baby (it's not obviously a given baby will come home so it could be limited time)

Would I be a absolute 🔔 end to say to DH he needs to have a chat with ex (which we get on with well) we have to isolate before section and won't be having any children in house for a short period or change contact in some way ?

I realise this may all not plan out re the pregnancy and even post that baby may not make it but I just wanted everyone's views. It there any workable suggestions everyone has.

At this point things may change but I just wanted to hear what people thought .

I have a tendency to let people make their own choices but this one the other households choices will be directly impacting my choice to want to not be at risk and I don't want to impose anything on them but I also don't want to up my risk because other doesn't believe in Covid.

Help. Please don't tell me so many things may change right now. I'm so aware of of the changeable nature of the situation I'm in and I want to find out if anyone else has had this ect.

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 23/10/2021 10:09

@candlelightsatdawn my baby is now a teenager she had a scary start to life, and spent her first few years in / out of hospital - they were difficult years. People found it very difficult to understand why I acted the way I did, and it caused conflict with my ex / family and friends. I think most of them thought I was mad, or at best incredibly difficult. Even when she no longer high risk and starting school, she was the kid who was off 3 weeks because of a cold - her immune system wasn't like the other kids. She caught everything and it hit her really hard.

You're right it's like scaling a mountain with no equipment or manual - frightening and stressful. I was told infection was the major risk so I researched extensively around infection control and then applied the principles. The basic rules are: Isolation away the sick, quarantine of the sick, disinfection of the environment and high touch areas (hands, door handles etc) and ''barriers'' - by barriers I mean masks etc. The principles are relatively simple, and incredibly effective is applied properly. You can't see germs and people can be carriers without even knowing it...young children particularly. Bottom line I had to do whatever it took to keep my baby safe and well. At a given point you will want to bring the family back together (god willing) you may want to google ''barrier nursing'' as it will give you some good tips on how to all be together safely if the risk remains. Whatever you do, stay positive!

Anecdotally, when my DD got Covid at school last year not one of us in the household caught it as I just shifted gears back to how I operated when she was a baby...

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 10:15

@Heartdogs

I think it is a long time to be away from your own preschooler DD. I wouldn't do it.

What would you do, then? Not be able to see your baby in NICU?

DILevil · 23/10/2021 10:18

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Id isolate yourself and let the other children see their dad. It’s not their choice for you to add to the family during a pandemic so they shouldn’t have to be excluded for ten days.

Bloody hell. Why be so cruel? OP, you are doing exactly what you need to with 10 days and your children, and everything crossed for your little one.

kateg27 · 23/10/2021 10:40

I had my baby in April. I also have 3 other children and one step-daughter. I was high risk but baby wasn't, thankfully she was healthy.
I kept my other children's routines as normal as their lives have been so up and down over the last few years. I made the choice that if I did have to give birth alone, then so be it.
I don't think anybody else can say what is right for your situation as it's so personal to you. It must be so worrying with the uncertainty around your baby. I hope everything goes well for you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/10/2021 10:53

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss 🙄 you clearly haven't read the specifics of the or frankly you think that a potentially dead baby is ok.

Sigh [/quote]
You isolating alone wouldn’t be any less safe than stopping his child coming over.

She may be happy to not see her dad for a while but with a new baby I’d be doing everything possible to meet the needs of both. She may already have mixed emotions over a half sibling without no contact on top.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/10/2021 10:57

@Heartdogs

I think it is a long time to be away from your own preschooler DD. I wouldn't do it.

Missed there was another child as well. I’d not leave a three year old either. That’s a long time without main caregivers. They don’t need to be in nursery or preschool so could stay home.

Pinkyxx · 23/10/2021 11:04

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss While OPs DSD may have mixed feelings ref a half sibling, children of this age are capable of abstract thinking. It more would be worrying if OP's DSD wasn't able to understand why contact poses a risk. Video calls are an obvious solution for her to keep in touch with Dad..

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 11:05

*You isolating alone wouldn’t be any less safe than stopping his child coming over.

Respectfully, you are incredibly biased in this regard if you genuinely think the fact she MAY have mixed emotions about a half sibling means seeing her for those particular few days amongst thousands she will have with her dad, is more important than him being there for OP and the baby in the circumstances. Have you missed the situation with the baby?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/10/2021 11:14

Not missed anything about protecting the baby, mum isolating would do that. That doesn’t have to mean the other two can’t be with their dad though especially as one is just three years old.

AutumnLeafy · 23/10/2021 11:20

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Not missed anything about protecting the baby, mum isolating would do that. That doesn’t have to mean the other two can’t be with their dad though especially as one is just three years old.

People go without seeing one parent or the other for 10+ days all the time. They might work abroad, or be deployed in the army. This is a one off for a very important reason.

Youseethethingis · 23/10/2021 11:21

It's sometimes hard for some posters to accept that an unborn baby needs and deserves to be the top priority for both parents, and that the needs or feelings of older siblings are not as important at that time as a father being able to see his sick baby in NICU.

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 11:31

@Youseethethingis

Completely agree. It is mind boggling to me that anyone would expect this not to be the case.

10 days without their parent for a child who is already here and safe pales in comparison to the urgency of this situation.

AutumnLeafy · 23/10/2021 11:34

It's disgusting how the unborn child is not seen as worthy of protecting. It is only a small inconvenience for the DSC. They don't see their dad all the time anyway.

Vie8126 · 23/10/2021 11:45

@AutumnLeafy agree I cannot believe half the things I've read however sadly not surprised given the general consensus is that stepmothers should always put the all hallowed stepchild above all. This is a 12 year old not a 2 year old I'm sure she would understand. OP you do what you need to to ensure yours and your unborn baby's health. The other children will not be damaged by 10 days apart to ensure a healthy sibling. I'm sure they would be is they passed something on with devastong consequences for a tiny baby, especially the 12 year old step child.

AutumnLeafy · 23/10/2021 11:49

It's probably better for the DSC not to be exposed to the stress and worry anyway tbh

excelledyourself · 23/10/2021 12:18

Sorry if I've missed it, but what about when the baby arrives? He/she will still obviously be vulnerable, so won't you and DH need to keep isolating?

Lorw · 23/10/2021 12:28

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Not missed anything about protecting the baby, mum isolating would do that. That doesn’t have to mean the other two can’t be with their dad though especially as one is just three years old.

If dad doesn’t isolate and then gets COVID and baby doesn’t survive he will miss the only and last precious moments with his newborn, and mum having to go through that by herself, that is the reality of the situation.

KylieKoKo · 23/10/2021 12:45

I know that my 12 year old DSD would be more than capable of understanding a situation like this and would understand the need to protect a sick baby. In fact, there was a situation a few years ago that meant both dsds stayed with us for 3 weeks and didn't see their mother in that time. Neither are damaged by the situation as we explained why and they both understood, despite being about 7 and 9 years old.

Tattler2 · 23/10/2021 13:09

The OP does not have to guess or arbitrarily pull numbers and dates about the need for or efficacy of isolation , she has skilled and experienced medical professionals to provide exactly this advice.

Her medical professionals have experience with both high risk pregnancies and COVID impact on newborn babies. They will also give her the best and most accurate information on NICU protocol. Better to get her medical information from them rather than anyone else.

She has not provided any information that suggests the ex or her partner would object to complying with instructions received from her treating physicians. Better to rely on medical information and science than to arbitrarily set up protocols that may have little to no efficacy in preventing that which you are trying to avoid.

High risks pregnancy treatments are successfully handled on a daily basis by medical practitioners. The OP need not try to set up or devise her own compliance plan, she should develop confidence in the professionals who are there to advise her.

whistleryukon · 23/10/2021 15:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Id isolate yourself and let the other children see their dad. It’s not their choice for you to add to the family during a pandemic so they shouldn’t have to be excluded for ten days.

This comment is absolutely disgraceful. Really, really beyond the pale even compared to the usual awful step parent bashing. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself.

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/10/2021 15:36

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Id isolate yourself and let the other children see their dad. It’s not their choice for you to add to the family during a pandemic so they shouldn’t have to be excluded for ten days.

This one is worthy of the Card Collection. I find myself urging karma on apace.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/10/2021 16:45

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 16:48

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

Yes, that is clear. The thing is, you have to have the ability to recognise when a situation is actually more serious and potentially damaging than one instance of not being included, otherwise it strays into the territory of selfishness.

KylieKoKo · 23/10/2021 16:51

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe it was harsh so I apologise.

I’ve been the step child that was excluded so will always always champion for non exclusion.

Classic for the step parenting forum.

I was an unhappy step child so therefore you as a step mother are being nasty and I'm here to tell you.

Youseethethingis · 23/10/2021 16:57

Lucky there are lots of mothers around here to champion doing the right thing for the right child at the right time, isn't it?

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