Maintenance and balling out

[candlelightsatdawn]

So this is always a contentious issue, but I'm trying to do the right thing.

Few facts before they are asked as I don't want to drip feed.

• DH and ex split up many years and no I wasn't the other women.

• I get on really well with my SD (12) and really rather like her mum and we are all friendly. Which in this matter complicates things some what.

-I suspect I have a DH problem but what I need to know what's fair for all parties etc and wording on how to not make things worse

• So DH pays £300 for DSD plus half on uniform, phones, games, laptops, school trips ect. This is about double what CSA recommended but seems fair to me and everyone was happy with this until of late.

• The ex keeps asking to borrow money and forgetting to pay it back. This usually happens every 3 months in the amount of £500 a pop. Usually because she's behind on bills.

-She works part time and seems to be struggling with her new partner because he keeps getting them into debt (we don't know why but it's been hinted gambling - not my concern her life, her choice but her position is tricky). We want to help because a) effects SD if the lights are on and b) because she's a nice women and actually is in bad situation with her partner but also pretty useless with money.

• recently every week or so we get a request for new expensive item example laptop (that's been bought and money needs paid then and there no discussion between them) same for phone, games ect as mum just says dad will pay for it and then is sent the bill. She's at a expensive age so I suspect this maybe normal

• I'm on a v good wage but my DH is on considerably less and is self employed. I also have my own DD to provide for but I don't want there to be a massive disparity between the girls standards of living. This is important to me. Mum know my wage because she asked in conversation re Christmas and I have said I will always try to help where and if I can if she's struggling.

• if it's relevant I'm pregnant but we aren't sure if the baby will survive due to some medical complications that have been found. Neither girls know but mum does and has been Brillant re this, I think the weight of this maybe impacting things making things escalate. Maybe she's worried that DD will get less so is asking for more upfront. I can't help but think maybe DH is letting his guilt play a massive part here more than mum.

Recently everything seems to have getting progressively worse and I'm having to subsidise all this because my DH wants to help, so ends up helping on pay day and then being unable to pay his own bills and I have to cover them because I have to keep lights on here. But it's started snow balling. I'm not foolish enough to have started out in this position but I don't know how we have gotten here

The problem is DH has a problem saying no to both DSD and the ex, the last round was a computer game of £50 which SD kicked off about wanting right then and there abs hinted about not visiting if it wasn't purchased asap and DH agreed to buy it for her then because he didn't have any money, I had to because SD was standing there waiting for it to be bought and it puts me in a tricky spot. I obviously don't want her to not come over and it was already a "done and dusted thing"

-DSD will only eat certain foods - junk and every time food is not exactly to her liking, she says that she won't come around. So we have to get different food for her or she kicks off and she eats a lot. I'm footing the entire food bill because of DH lending money to ex for various things,the last few months.

Another issue has cropped up last week- lunch money's come up, SD is blowing £20 on lunch after two days and then is going hungry the next day and telling her dad she hasn't eaten. Mum has confirmed that she keeps forgetting to give SD money (not that she doesn't have the money just that she forgets), so DH solution instead of saying you need to make sure she has money for food is he has he will pay for school dinners himself and promised this to mum but didn't discuss with me (so another £30 a week on top of everything else). Bar the fact he's running into the negative at the end of the month as it is and he knows I will have to prop up the cost. This all usually happens just after he's been paid and he says yes then all direct debts come out later in month and he's short.

How can I deal with this with both parties, I want to help, but I'm having choices and agreements made that financially impact me and I'm seen as the bad guy for saying no. If can have some reasonable advice that would be grand. Leave him isn't really a option currently. I don't want SD to suffer.

I'm in a really dark space at the moment with the pregnancy and I'm sure that's clouding my judgement. If people could be mindful because I'm well aware I have a DH problem but I want to get people's thoughts on.

1. what is fair - finance wise?
2. what line should I draw and where with both DH, mum and SD request.
3. am I being unreasonable re wanting to cut them all off financially. I have had quite a serious conversation with DH saying that if he doesn't start being realistic then he's out. I know if I do this it will effect SD standard of living and although she's not my own. I really care for her.
4. The pregnancy was planned and everything was going smoothly financial wise but I can't help but notice the requests for money have escalated dramatically since mum has found out. I can afford to help but just not at this level. The catch is I really like her and get on well which means I don't think this is intentional malicious behaviour. I want to be fair but this maybe moot point anyway 😔 ( it is completely out of my hands either way). At the moment we will have nothing left over at end of month to be able to get baby stuff as I'm supplementing DH who's supplementing mum.

Usually I would just stop helping but it's a matter of food in house or a hit to credit rating which impacts me too. Which obviously I can't do.

Help

I would just pay the child maintenance, half uniform costs.

Phone contract your husbands pay everything else the mother.

Its frustrating because I see him wanting to do right by his daughter and ex,
The only people he needs to be doing right by are his wife & dc - he has NO responsibility to his ex & even less to her partner.
Everything @AnneLovesGilbert said in her first post is spot on.
You are being taken for a massive ride because of your kind nature & I too would question the niceness of your relationships with both the ex & dsd because to an outsider it reads like the relationships are fine because you never rock the boat & they constantly get what they want! There are no boundaries in your set up & everyone is behaving like you're all one big, happy extended family, which is all very well but you're the only one contributing to it which is both grossly unfair & cheeky af.
I would put my foot down now or things will not improve. Your dh needs to put some boundaries in place & start saying No. Dsd sounds like she's yet another child who equates Love with what gets spent on her & this will only get worse as she gets older unless she is taught differently now.
I am so sorry for what you're going through with your pregnancy & I really hope it all works out for you. You do not need all this other crap on top of what you're already dealing with & I hope you tell your dh that - very loudly & very clearly.

This sounds awful, OP. I really feel for you.

Totally agree that he has to pay his half of your household costs to you on pay day and then you know everything is covered.

I also agree that you should reclaim every single ‘loan’ he’s had from you. Not to be mean but to wake him up to the fact that he’s making really poor choices. And how much he owes you.

As one PP said, be blunt about to him how your wage is subsidising his ex’s boyfriend’s gambling debts. Which is beyond madness.

The saddest part of all is that your DH and his ex have allowed their 12 year old to believe that emotional blackmail for material gain is a totally acceptable part of everyday day life.

I really wish you luck in turning this around. You deserve complete support. 💐

Stepdaughter sounds like a brat - sorry but demanding a £50 computer game and using the threat of not visiting her Dad as leverage is just awful. That sort of shit needs to stop immediately. Even if it means she doesn't come for a couple of weekends you need to call her bluff on it.

Junk food - that stops immediately too. When she's in your home, she needs to have the good grace and manners to eat what she is given or she goes without. The threatening not to visit needs to stop - as above. Call her bluff.

Stepdaughter's mother sounds like a money grubbing pisstaker. Nice woman or not, she's spotted you coming a mile off, hasn't she? Nice lady with a good job and the ability to help her out of a "tough spot". Problem is, it's a permanent tough spot really, isn't it?

I'm afraid you're going to have to be tough and put your foot down with your husband, his ex-wife and the stepdaughter. You are not a cash cow to supplement their lives. Frankly you have enough on your plate with the pregnancy. You don't need this on top. You need to stop bailing out husband's direct debits to start with and that fear of not being financially propped up by you will likely force his hand into saying no to ex-wife and child more frequently.

Look after yourself OP xx

Very best of luck with the pregnancy, and the strength to deal with waiting game.

Your ex's family sound like the smiley charming people who jump on a train and play a little ditty (badly!) They then send a heart-meltingly cute little girl around with a cap to take contributions...

Maybe a look at the Freedom program might not come amiss at this point. I think we're all a little vulnerable as SMs. My elder DSCs seemed to think their Dad was good for £50k house deposits, because, you know, he was living with me now.

My elder DSCs seemed to think their Dad was good for £50k house deposits, because, you know, he was living with me now.
Maybe I'm very old school but if I'd asked my (very lovely & kind) parents for that type of house deposit I'd have been told to take a running jump. I cannot understand where this concept of dc feeling entitled to Take, Take, Take well into adulthood has come from.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@BananaPB ohh there's a cap with these things this maybe worth suggesting to DH. Can you see what they spend money on typically? Having never had a kid at secondary school I have no idea and mum isn't very techy. Will get DH to investigate although he's just hung up on her eating, eating anything it would appear.

I think your right her mum would defo encourage her to come back, I also think it's a bluff bless her just teenager flexing independence and seeing what happens. I really fear when she's older because we have had issues in the past with her just expecting stuff, a game is one thing, a mortgage 😩😩 it's a nope for me.

@Youseethethingis this made my eyes get all watery. Thank you I have been trying so hard and it's only just dawned on me I'm part of the reason we are here. I'm just so not myself. Limbo isn't a place I wish anyone to be tbh. It's awful hiding it from the kids as I must come across quite unsettling for them.

@RedMarauder my experience of blended families - having grown up in one is probably clouding my judgement your right and probably the forums don't help. I didn't want the same life I had growing up for the girls so seemed to have backed myself into a whole new load of issues.
I'm gonna take your below points to heart here. Thank you !

@Acheyknees

This made me chuckle can you imagine I think they would look at me like I have grown 10 heads.

@Duchess379 We don't have a shared bank account. I don't know why but I have always been a bit leery on doing this. I also would worry that it would be used inappropriately then get into a hole I would have to pull us out of. May I ask how did they react when you cut them off ?

I know it's been mentioned but I actually might get some counselling for myself, I can't really afford it but wanted to since this whole thing started re baby but it seemed like a luxury I couldn't afford. I think this thread may have changed my mind.

I was genuinely bit worried that I was going to get slammed for not doing enough. I suspect that's tied into the baby and things going wonky there too.

❤️❤️ thank you all for being so kind. Having been down this route before re baby, I should have prepared for it again but it happening again what seems to be scary parallels. Even though the doctors said the chances of it happening again would be so slim. Ha

[/quote]
I completely lost my rag & said they were taking the piss out of me. It was not my job to 'bail them out' because I have more money than them and 'can afford it', which is what my aunt retorted with. They were a bit shocked that I had stood up for myself, my cousin was grovelling with apologies but I was done by then. There's a whole other backstory that I won't burden you with, but the crux of it was I said piss off & they stopped asking. The ex wife is no friend of yours - she sees it as taking candy from a baby. The whole situation is dreadful. Big big hugs coming your way 💕💐

Is there a way to start to introduce budgeting to DC?
Once mine started secondary school, they got pocket money in exchange for jobs. They had to cook one night a week each, clear the table and clean and tidy the kitchen 2 nights a week. Clean their bathroom and bedrooms and do their own washing. In exchange they got $50 a week.
This paid for everything, school lunches, phones, outfits, outings, hair, makeup, presents, the lot.
I paid for sports and sporting goods.
If the wanted an advance, they had to do more jobs and were only allowed a week in advance.
This worked well and both DC are good at budgeting and saving.
This may not work for your family, but a modified version might.
Also computers, games etc. we’re all Christmas or birthday presents.