Maintenance and balling out

[candlelightsatdawn]

So this is always a contentious issue, but I'm trying to do the right thing.

Few facts before they are asked as I don't want to drip feed.

• DH and ex split up many years and no I wasn't the other women.

• I get on really well with my SD (12) and really rather like her mum and we are all friendly. Which in this matter complicates things some what.

-I suspect I have a DH problem but what I need to know what's fair for all parties etc and wording on how to not make things worse

• So DH pays £300 for DSD plus half on uniform, phones, games, laptops, school trips ect. This is about double what CSA recommended but seems fair to me and everyone was happy with this until of late.

• The ex keeps asking to borrow money and forgetting to pay it back. This usually happens every 3 months in the amount of £500 a pop. Usually because she's behind on bills.

-She works part time and seems to be struggling with her new partner because he keeps getting them into debt (we don't know why but it's been hinted gambling - not my concern her life, her choice but her position is tricky). We want to help because a) effects SD if the lights are on and b) because she's a nice women and actually is in bad situation with her partner but also pretty useless with money.

• recently every week or so we get a request for new expensive item example laptop (that's been bought and money needs paid then and there no discussion between them) same for phone, games ect as mum just says dad will pay for it and then is sent the bill. She's at a expensive age so I suspect this maybe normal

• I'm on a v good wage but my DH is on considerably less and is self employed. I also have my own DD to provide for but I don't want there to be a massive disparity between the girls standards of living. This is important to me. Mum know my wage because she asked in conversation re Christmas and I have said I will always try to help where and if I can if she's struggling.

• if it's relevant I'm pregnant but we aren't sure if the baby will survive due to some medical complications that have been found. Neither girls know but mum does and has been Brillant re this, I think the weight of this maybe impacting things making things escalate. Maybe she's worried that DD will get less so is asking for more upfront. I can't help but think maybe DH is letting his guilt play a massive part here more than mum.

Recently everything seems to have getting progressively worse and I'm having to subsidise all this because my DH wants to help, so ends up helping on pay day and then being unable to pay his own bills and I have to cover them because I have to keep lights on here. But it's started snow balling. I'm not foolish enough to have started out in this position but I don't know how we have gotten here

The problem is DH has a problem saying no to both DSD and the ex, the last round was a computer game of £50 which SD kicked off about wanting right then and there abs hinted about not visiting if it wasn't purchased asap and DH agreed to buy it for her then because he didn't have any money, I had to because SD was standing there waiting for it to be bought and it puts me in a tricky spot. I obviously don't want her to not come over and it was already a "done and dusted thing"

-DSD will only eat certain foods - junk and every time food is not exactly to her liking, she says that she won't come around. So we have to get different food for her or she kicks off and she eats a lot. I'm footing the entire food bill because of DH lending money to ex for various things,the last few months.

Another issue has cropped up last week- lunch money's come up, SD is blowing £20 on lunch after two days and then is going hungry the next day and telling her dad she hasn't eaten. Mum has confirmed that she keeps forgetting to give SD money (not that she doesn't have the money just that she forgets), so DH solution instead of saying you need to make sure she has money for food is he has he will pay for school dinners himself and promised this to mum but didn't discuss with me (so another £30 a week on top of everything else). Bar the fact he's running into the negative at the end of the month as it is and he knows I will have to prop up the cost. This all usually happens just after he's been paid and he says yes then all direct debts come out later in month and he's short.

How can I deal with this with both parties, I want to help, but I'm having choices and agreements made that financially impact me and I'm seen as the bad guy for saying no. If can have some reasonable advice that would be grand. Leave him isn't really a option currently. I don't want SD to suffer.

I'm in a really dark space at the moment with the pregnancy and I'm sure that's clouding my judgement. If people could be mindful because I'm well aware I have a DH problem but I want to get people's thoughts on.

1. what is fair - finance wise?
2. what line should I draw and where with both DH, mum and SD request.
3. am I being unreasonable re wanting to cut them all off financially. I have had quite a serious conversation with DH saying that if he doesn't start being realistic then he's out. I know if I do this it will effect SD standard of living and although she's not my own. I really care for her.
4. The pregnancy was planned and everything was going smoothly financial wise but I can't help but notice the requests for money have escalated dramatically since mum has found out. I can afford to help but just not at this level. The catch is I really like her and get on well which means I don't think this is intentional malicious behaviour. I want to be fair but this maybe moot point anyway 😔 ( it is completely out of my hands either way). At the moment we will have nothing left over at end of month to be able to get baby stuff as I'm supplementing DH who's supplementing mum.

Usually I would just stop helping but it's a matter of food in house or a hit to credit rating which impacts me too. Which obviously I can't do.

Help

Her dm is a piss taker and dsd is following suit...your dh doesn't care you are being bled dry..
Take stock of your own money before you have none for yourself and your own dc...

@Brollywasntneededafterall I will be honest and say that I think I have probably compounded this issue esp with DH . I haven't made it abundantly clear to DH that this needs to stop because my minds a bit of a mess so I have dropped the rope.

So I'm not being reasonable here ? I'm just shocked at how fast this has all gone wrong.

Sit down and work out your budget with DH.
Including everything you spend on DC, yours and his.
I think he be surprised at what he is spending compared to his income.
Let him know you can no longer subsidise his DC.

You really don’t need this on top of a difficult pregnancy …

My impression is that you’re sharing far too much of your personal information with your husband’s Ex. She is not part of your family. And your SD has two parents - it is their job to provide for her. Obviously you care about her, but it is unacceptable for you and your own child to be increasingly adversely affected by external demands.

You need to talk to your husband again. And be clear about your own boundaries.

You have a DH problem.

Tell him that from when you get paid this month you are no longer subsiding his ex and if he does then you are going to have to rethink this relationship.

I suggest if (and likely when he does) give his ex money you book in marriage counselling as it is damaging your relationship and your relationship won't have a future. He needs an outsider to show him this and that what he is doing his not helping his ex managing financially plus actually damaging his children. His children are going to move out of home when 18/19 and end up in uncontrollable debt while taking money of both their parents.

There are ways he with your help can then solve the issue if he is then willing to save your relationship with him.

This includes:

1. Him texting his ex and telling he doesn't have the money when she asks for it. Then not responding to any more of her or their children's begging for money. If she turns abusive then he may have to invoke stricter measures.
2. Him putting you in sole control of the household finances for a year so he can't break and hand the money over to his ex. Obviously he has money for his own spends but everything else is handed over to you.
3. Him telling his child that if she spends all her money in two days he won't bail her out and she needs to make sandwiches - using any filling available - and a drink from the house. While this is annoying, for the adults as food will disappear for a while, after a 2-3 weeks of doing this she should stop spending her lunch money in 2 days as she won't want to be different from her peers.
4. Him telling his child that if she doesn't eat what everyone else eats within reason for a meal e.g. some people don't like certain veg but will eat the rest of the meal, then she gets to go and make herself toast instead.

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am about your current pregnancy. That's an awful situation to be in, made even worse by 3 people in your life treating you like a human ATM.
You have got to stand up for yourself & your own daughter. SD & ex wife are taking the piss. I have extended family (aunt & cousin) who were exactly like this. We were financially better off because we all worked. They didn't & would play the 'woe us' routine regularly, until I got to breaking point & cut them off.
It's not your job to provide financial security for the 'ex family'. That's down to your partner. You need to have a serious talk with him about your finances because it seems he has no grasp on what's going on.
Do you have a joint account? I'm thinking, when he gets paid, he should hand over his share of the bills first, then spend what's left on SD.
Wishing you the very best of luck x

Thank you ladies for the response. I'm feeling slightly out of my mind with it all of it and it just took me by surprise and I answered out of flex.

I think it really doesn't help that we get on, I know SMs and mums are supposed to war with each other but I haven't even thought there might be a negative flip side to the reverse. I didn't expect the feel guilty ?!

Spreadsheet I thinks a good idea, I suspect actually he might go on defensive on this as he knows this isn't right, I suspect he thinks cutting costs will be referring to any costs we have rather than his growing costs with DS and mum and saying no.
I obviously don't want to get in the middle of things and I want to nacho out of this but I do have skin in the game. Also the costs here he has is actually minimal. The new added costs seem to just appear and we have to work them in.

Hard when you don't have a money tree.

Speaking of SD actually responds very well to very direct boundaries (she's not nerotypical) and knows I can't be guilted into things but does it via dad can. I think telling her no wouldn't actually mean she wouldn't show up here as she openly says how much she likes being here ect but knows it can make her dad act.

I'm kinda sick feeling guilty apologising for being part of a second family tbh and that I have to make it up in some mad way.
Daft really as their demise was just falling out of love on both sides so remained friendly

I'd turn the tables on her and ask Her for help financially this month as you're struggling and you've helped her in the past.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

As you say your H is the problem here. He's fallen into giving his dd no boundaries because she knows the threat of not visiting is his weakness. If she's 12 and pulling this crap, it's only going to get worse with demands for cars, house deposits.... what would happen if she stopped going to yours for dinners? If hazard a guess that it wouldn't be long before her mum would encourage her to visit again but you know sd best.

I'd hazard a guess that switching majority residence would save you money as you'd be the ones searching for bargain tech etc My ex pays phone and contracts for our kids so they get a new phone every 2 years. He pays for them to have Spotify premium on top but no random £50 computer games unless it's a birthday.

As for the lunch money, totally normal to set a budget and kids can choose to blow it or stretch it out. Mine takes some bits from home and buys some at school. I can see what he's bought on an app. (Our school uses ParentMail)
Our school puts a £4 per day cap on food purchases which can be removed if parents request it.

With regards to the dinner money, it's worth checking what she is buying because it sounds like she is buying for other people if she's paying £10 a day on food at school.

Leaving the practical advice to others but I just want to make sure you are clear in your mind that you have been incredibly generous up to now. You really have. I don't think you realise because you are surrounded by parasites who believe they have an absolute right to your money, and you have so many other worries.
Don't listen to them anymore. Listen to us.
Wishing your little baby all the best

know SMs and mums are supposed to war with each other

Actually they are not. In rl there are plenty of adults in parenting and step roles who aren't at war with each other. This is an internet forum and posters only read or post for help.

I posted an almost identical dilemma recently

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4356408-DP-s-ex-s-constant-demands-for-more-money?pg=1

Except my DP’s exgf is absolutely vile to me.

How many expensive items does a 12 year old have?
At 12, my kids had a laptop, phone, AirPods and games console. These were replaced/upgraded every 2-5 years and usually for birthdays or Christmas.
The only other things I can think of are bike for travelling to school.
Your h and his ex are lucky that you've propped them up. Time for them to stop taking the piss out of you

@RedMarauder

know SMs and mums are supposed to war with each other

Actually they are not. In rl there are plenty of adults in parenting and step roles who aren't at war with each other. This is an internet forum and posters only read or post for help.

I don't talk to my kids SM. We aren't at war - ex and her have separate finances and he is dependable when it comes to sorting something for the kids.

@BananaPB ohh there's a cap with these things this maybe worth suggesting to DH. Can you see what they spend money on typically? Having never had a kid at secondary school I have no idea and mum isn't very techy. Will get DH to investigate although he's just hung up on her eating, eating anything it would appear.

I think your right her mum would defo encourage her to come back, I also think it's a bluff bless her just teenager flexing independence and seeing what happens. I really fear when she's older because we have had issues in the past with her just expecting stuff, a game is one thing, a mortgage 😩😩 it's a nope for me.

@Youseethethingis this made my eyes get all watery. Thank you I have been trying so hard and it's only just dawned on me I'm part of the reason we are here. I'm just so not myself. Limbo isn't a place I wish anyone to be tbh. It's awful hiding it from the kids as I must come across quite unsettling for them.

@RedMarauder my experience of blended families - having grown up in one is probably clouding my judgement your right and probably the forums don't help. I didn't want the same life I had growing up for the girls so seemed to have backed myself into a whole new load of issues.
I'm gonna take your below points to heart here. Thank you !

@Acheyknees

This made me chuckle can you imagine I think they would look at me like I have grown 10 heads.

@Duchess379 We don't have a shared bank account. I don't know why but I have always been a bit leery on doing this. I also would worry that it would be used inappropriately then get into a hole I would have to pull us out of. May I ask how did they react when you cut them off ?

I know it's been mentioned but I actually might get some counselling for myself, I can't really afford it but wanted to since this whole thing started re baby but it seemed like a luxury I couldn't afford. I think this thread may have changed my mind.

I was genuinely bit worried that I was going to get slammed for not doing enough. I suspect that's tied into the baby and things going wonky there too.

❤️❤️ thank you all for being so kind. Having been down this route before re baby, I should have prepared for it again but it happening again what seems to be scary parallels. Even though the doctors said the chances of it happening again would be so slim. Ha

@SpongebobNoPants ahh we have had cross over on another issue I believe ❤️Any joy or solutions that have worked for you so far ! Feel like banging head against the wall.

Just stop giving him money. Tell him the gravy train is over.

@candlelightsatdawn I just had to put my foot down.
We had a few HUGE heated discussions about it, but ultimately I made it my hill to die on.

I told him I will not live the rest of my life beholden to his exgf and his kids. I am not going to continue to work my arse off so my money can line the pockets of a woman much older than me who’s financial circumstances are of her own making.

I ended up saying I would be willing to leave him over this because the situation was leading to me beginning to resent his kids which I didn’t want to happen.

It’s only been a few weeks since this all blew up but I can already see a huge difference in his behaviour and he’s standing up to his ex’s demands. He’s still very generous and helps where he can but it no longer comes from our joint money.

@AnkleDeep I'm not giving him money so much as there are bills to be paid that keep this house running. The game thing I'm with you, those things can stop and will.
He's spending his own money on bailing out ex on pay day then is like opps no money.

The problem I can't say ok DH doesn't have the money for his half electric bill, we will sit in darkness for the next few months or ok he doesn't have money for food, right I'm only paying for DD and me everyone else starve.

I think someone mentioned take full control of his finances which I can and will do but will feel like a bank and when your already full time mum, full time worker at stressful job and dealing with pregnancy complications, I'm not gonna like another added title of Bank and keeper of all money makes me feel a bit queazy tbh

He's spending his own money on bailing out ex on pay day then is like opps no money

This is exactly what was happening in my house.
I was essentially subsidising his ex because he was giving her more than he could afford, resulting in me topping up household expenses

They are all being unreasonable.

Your DSD sounds like she has a really bad attitude about money, she's not suffering, she's being allowed to be demanding and be indulged.

The mum might be generally amicable but she's not that friendly if she's deliberately upping her demands in response to your pregnancy, especially knowing the circumstances. If it isn't intentional, she's just taking the piss.

And then of course is your husband, who is facilitating it all even though it's essentially making him a cocklodger in your household. Also a massive pisstaker.

The only thing YABU about it being far too sympathetic and apologetic. You are being taken advantage of and bullied into these things, and yet you're still worried about their "suffering". DSD is not suffering if she does not get every last thing she demands, in fact if your OP is anything to go by, she would be learning a valuable lesson.

You need to just stop lending money to any of them.

@SpongebobNoPants ok I can do that. I think it's probably again because I haven't exploded at him yet. I am at end of tether, stupidly it was the school dinners that did it. Small thing really.

I just don't get it because I wouldn't ever do this to my ex or anyone ?!? It just boogles my mind I didn't really think they were being unreasonable because it was all done in a very subtle way.

I'm glad to hear there is light at end of tunnel (and maybe some light there for me too) but I'm not holding my breath.

Will get DH to investigate although he's just hung up on her eating, eating anything it would appear.

It's worth you just talking to him gently about his experience around food and mealtimes when he was growing up as he may have hang ups from that e.g. not enough food, eating times/amounts strictly controlled, someone close with an eating disorder.

Then explaining to him and showing him - this will have to be done repeatedly - that his fears are unfounded e.g. his children won't starve.

For example I had older parents and so do some of my friends. We all grew up being told not to waste food so we had to clean our plates if food was on it. There as my friends with parents who are 15 years or more younger weren't told to clean plates. The first group are more likely to eat their children's food on their plate while the second will just put it in the food recycling.

Every penny you’re chucking at his ex is a penny you’re taking from your child and your baby.

The whole thing is batshit. Can’t believe what I’m reading tbh.

I wonder how well you really get on, I expect it currently seems amicable because she knows you’ve got a kind heart and an open wallet and she knows not to bite the hand that pampers her.

You keep talking about keeping the lights on. I highly doubt that’s an issue. £50 computer games, posh laptops, an expensive gambling boyfriend aren’t luxuries which suggest there’s any real risk of important bills being paid. If there genuinely is she’ll need to tighten her belt and work more hours.

Can you imagine having the brass neck to expect an unrelated other adult to fund your child? I doubt it.

Enough is enough now.

I’m a step mum and have a 12 year old step son. If he demanded a £50 anything and threatened not to come if we did by cough up for it my husband would laugh, shrug and tell him to stop being so bloody ridiculous.

Yours needs to remember it’s all too easy to be generous with someone else’s money. He needs to stop it right now.

My warmest and most hopeful wishes for your pregnancy