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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I really being a wicked step mother?!

87 replies

OnlyOneRaisin · 03/10/2021 20:26

So for background i honestly don't believe I'm a bad step mother at all. I have always gone out of my way to be kind, welcoming, friendly and have helped out a lot with DSCs over the years always doing what I can. Both DH and their Mum has asked me for help with things before and I've always been happy to. I have a really good relationship with the kids too, they message me and even call me sometimes when they aren't with us too just to chat or to ask for something like kids do

Anyway, just wanted to mention the above so people know I'm really not some horrible push the kids out type.

We bought a house recently as we'd been renting for a while and wanted to get on the ladder.

When we first moved we agreed that DSC would have the biggest bedroom so that our joint DS (who is 1) could have some storage in there for his things as he gets more as he grows but he'd physically sleep in with us until we were ready to move (we are only hoping to be here for about 2-3 years). Both rooms are doubles, one is slightly larger which DSC are in but we can manage okay in ours with the double bed, wardrobes and a cot/toddler bed for DS. We'll hopefully then be in a position financially to move onto a 3 bed in the nearish future.

Anyway, the set up was that there would be a space left clear in DSCs room so that we could get some storage in there for DS's things, toys, clothes, etc... DSC also have bunk beds (which they wanted), drawers for their clothes, a table, computer, a chair, side tables etc.. and a TV with games console.

DH has now started saying they can get more stuff like a sofa for example in the space we agreed to leave for a bit of storage for DS. DSCs haven't even brought this up he is just mentioning it.

We've argued tonight because I reminded him that we were supposed to be getting storage for DS's stuff especially as he gets older, starts getting more toys etc... And hes told me I'm pushing his kids out, taking over their room, not "letting them have a nice room"?! Our son will be fine with his stuff in our room until he's 3 (it's cramped as it is because we took smallest for precisely this reason!!).

I'm really upset (and pissed off) I am NOT a bad step Mum I know that in my heart, the fact he's saying I'm try to push out his kids because I've asked for a small space for storage for DS which we agreed before we moved and is why DSC are in the bigger room in the first place?!

As for not letting them have a nice room..?! They have so much stuff in there they absolutely do not go without at all, TV, drawers, table computers etc...

This absolutely isn't anything against DSC, they've known they'd have to have some of their brothers things in their room from the start and they've always been fine about it.

But DHs comments tonight have really upset me. It's like I can't make any comment about anything even remotely relating to the kids without him getting defensive like I'm terrible and want to push his children out. I also feel annoyed for my son who, whilst I appreciate is only young now, will have no space in his home for his things and will just have everything crammed (or even the attic because there is literally not enough room for much more stuff in ours) into our room for the next 2 years.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HairyScaryMonster · 03/10/2021 20:30

Goodness I feel for your youngest with no room his own at all! Yes your DP is unreasonable to say you're pushing your DSC out just by wanting a little storage.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/10/2021 20:35

Your DH is being unreasonable.

Tell him the DSC got the largest room on the basis there would be storage for DS. If DH has changed his mind and DS things have it go in your room ie two adults and a child in one of the rooms then it will make sense to take the bigger room back.

I'm not suggesting you do that but it might shut him up.

Buzzer3555 · 03/10/2021 20:38

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your child needs some storage and your step children dont mind. Is your husband being a bit precious?

RandomMess · 03/10/2021 20:40

Suggest you switch rooms then as no there isn't sufficient storage space in your room for DS stuff!!

Pinkchocolate · 03/10/2021 20:42

Your DH is being unfair. You need to accommodate your newborn who will be there 24/7 as well as your DSC. You gave up the bigger room, you seem to be trying so hard to please everyone, you should not be made to feel bad for this.

Original poster

OnlyOneRaisin · 03/10/2021 20:44

He's making me feel like I'm being ridiculous being annoyed that DS won't have any space in his home because he's "only 1". Like yes, but he won't be forever and he still has things?!

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 03/10/2021 20:46

It seems like everything you've done counts for nothing in his eyes, and he has convinced himself you are bad and he is free to bumble on as a father of two instead of a father of three.
I'd be fucking furious at his attitude to you and your child but if he's too hyperactively defensive to even engage in a respectful conversation about how to practically arrange your home I don't know how you'd fix it.
What a knob.

APerfectSky · 03/10/2021 20:46

How often are the DSCs with you? I assume not permanently, so I don't think what you have suggested is unreasonable.

I agree with a pp, suggest swapping back rooms so that you have the extra storage in your room and the DSCs have their room just for them. That way everyone is happy.

DancesWithTortoises · 03/10/2021 20:58

Your DS should have his own space as well. He lives there permanently.

Your DH is a prick.

Tattler2 · 03/10/2021 21:02

Most children acquire more things as they grow; they also tend to develop a fondness for items that they do not wish to discard. Not only will your so have more things but so will the step kids

Maybe you can visit a storage shop or purchase a closet organize unit that would provide a more efficient use of existing storage space.

All of the kids should have allocated space that anticipates that they will acquire more things and possessions as they grow.

Before deciding that anyone is being unreasonable at least consider speaking with a space/storage specialist to figure out the best possible storage configuration for your existing space.

Sometimes, these people have a vision or plan that on your own you would probably never considered. We had my daughter's closet space reconfigured and the difference was unbelievable..

FatCatThinCat · 03/10/2021 21:08

The whole arrangement is off. The 3 people who live there permanently are all crammed into the smallest room so those who only live there part time get the luxury of space. I wouldn't have agreed to that in the first place. You DH is a nobber.

FanGirlX · 03/10/2021 21:10

You and DS go in the bigger room.

DH shares the smaller room with DSC.

Winifredgoose · 03/10/2021 21:19

I definitely think you should switch rooms, especially if your step children don't live with you all the time. It is madness to do it the other way round. Is your husband massively guilty about splitting from their mum??

AuntieJoyce · 03/10/2021 21:25

It’s not you OP - it’s him

Noogar · 03/10/2021 21:28

@FanGirlX

You and DS go in the bigger room.

DH shares the smaller room with DSC.

I agree with this.

He's basically saying his youngest child doesn't deserve a bit of space for storage yet alone a room of their own. I'd worry this is how it will always be and he'll always see your child as not as worthy of space/money. WTF do they need a sofa?!

Noogar · 03/10/2021 21:29

Not only will your so have more things but so will the step kids the step kids have two homes to store things at. They presumably have a room at their mums. OP's child doesn't have a single space to call their own.

Cascais · 03/10/2021 21:30

Switch rooms?

Harlequin1088 · 03/10/2021 21:32

@FatCatThinCat

This! Your stepchildren don't even live with you full-time, why on Earth are you, your husband and the littlest one being jammed into the smallest room in the house? That's going to put a massive strain on your relationship with your husband to begin with let alone the practical issues relating to storage and space. It's utterly ridiculous. I've got two lovely stepkids myself and my partner and I have got our first baby on the way and I can tell you now I absolutely would not have entertained any of this for a second.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/10/2021 21:45

Yanbu. You sound like you've bent over backwards to accommodate them.

Totally disagree with DH and Dsc in smallest room though and you and the baby in the bigger room. That's just ridiculous .

Tattler2 · 03/10/2021 22:55

The mother and father have exactly the same obligation to their children. Is a mother obligated to provide more space than the father?

Each of these children belong in full to the father and should be treated as full members of the house that both parents' provide. The fact that their parents do not live together does not mean that one of dad's children should get to share a portion of 2 in dad's house while his other 2 children each get only a portion of one room in dad's house.

A reasonable solution would be to get help in better organizing the available space. What the children have at their mother's house has no relevance in terms of equitable treatment in there father's house.

The step children were not given a room tone split between 2 children ; they were effectively each given a 1/3 of a room with their younger brother having a third of that room reserved for him along with a portion of his parent's room. Effectively the youngest child has the largest space allocation as things stand.

If the parents' resources are limited, it would be far better to invest in an organizer plan/unit that is geared to the maximization of available storage space.

Dad's obligation to his children is not proportional to the amount of time than they spend in his household. His obligation to them is exactly the same regardless of where they spend time.

harryclr · 03/10/2021 23:05

How bloody ridiculous and incredibly unfair on your DS. How often are the SC there?

I would be fuming, sounds really stressful too. You dont really want a 1yr old in your room until they are 3, how will you get any sleep?

My DP gets defensive as soon as I suggest moving things around to create more space or whatever. Pisses me off because if it was our childs things that they've grown out of then it wouldnt be an issue at all, he wouldnt make a fuss. Double standards with SC is infuriating.

Feelslikealot · 03/10/2021 23:07

He's got three children. Why isn't he equally concerned about all of them?

excelledyourself · 03/10/2021 23:07

Buy DS (and request) some huge toys for Xmas and let idiot DH sort out the storage space for them.

Or is DS not to get any decent toys either?

Youseethethingis · 04/10/2021 00:07

Effectively the youngest child has the largest space allocation as things stand
Have the fucking packet

SpongebobNoPants · 04/10/2021 06:20

No @Tattler2 I completely, whole heartedly disagree with you on this one,
3 full time residents squashed into one room when the largest bedroom is allocated to residents who live there 50% of the time or less?? Madness.

In our house we allocated by the amount of time they spend here because it was most fair.

Me & DP - largest bedroom, here 100% of the time
My DD - 2nd largest bedroom, here 100% of the time
My DS - 3rd largest bedroom, here 24-25 days a month
My SDs - smallest bedroom, here approx 8 nights a month each

Why on earth would the largest or a larger bedroom be allocated to residents who spend considerably less time there? My SD’s bedroom sits vacant for 22 days a month whilst my DD’s is occupied every single day and needs to house all of her worldly possessions.

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