Am I really being a wicked step mother?!

[OnlyOneRaisin]

So for background i honestly don't believe I'm a bad step mother at all. I have always gone out of my way to be kind, welcoming, friendly and have helped out a lot with DSCs over the years always doing what I can. Both DH and their Mum has asked me for help with things before and I've always been happy to. I have a really good relationship with the kids too, they message me and even call me sometimes when they aren't with us too just to chat or to ask for something like kids do

Anyway, just wanted to mention the above so people know I'm really not some horrible push the kids out type.

We bought a house recently as we'd been renting for a while and wanted to get on the ladder.

When we first moved we agreed that DSC would have the biggest bedroom so that our joint DS (who is 1) could have some storage in there for his things as he gets more as he grows but he'd physically sleep in with us until we were ready to move (we are only hoping to be here for about 2-3 years). Both rooms are doubles, one is slightly larger which DSC are in but we can manage okay in ours with the double bed, wardrobes and a cot/toddler bed for DS. We'll hopefully then be in a position financially to move onto a 3 bed in the nearish future.

Anyway, the set up was that there would be a space left clear in DSCs room so that we could get some storage in there for DS's things, toys, clothes, etc... DSC also have bunk beds (which they wanted), drawers for their clothes, a table, computer, a chair, side tables etc.. and a TV with games console.

DH has now started saying they can get more stuff like a sofa for example in the space we agreed to leave for a bit of storage for DS. DSCs haven't even brought this up he is just mentioning it.

We've argued tonight because I reminded him that we were supposed to be getting storage for DS's stuff especially as he gets older, starts getting more toys etc... And hes told me I'm pushing his kids out, taking over their room, not "letting them have a nice room"?! Our son will be fine with his stuff in our room until he's 3 (it's cramped as it is because we took smallest for precisely this reason!!).

I'm really upset (and pissed off) I am NOT a bad step Mum I know that in my heart, the fact he's saying I'm try to push out his kids because I've asked for a small space for storage for DS which we agreed before we moved and is why DSC are in the bigger room in the first place?!

As for not letting them have a nice room..?! They have so much stuff in there they absolutely do not go without at all, TV, drawers, table computers etc...

This absolutely isn't anything against DSC, they've known they'd have to have some of their brothers things in their room from the start and they've always been fine about it.

But DHs comments tonight have really upset me. It's like I can't make any comment about anything even remotely relating to the kids without him getting defensive like I'm terrible and want to push his children out. I also feel annoyed for my son who, whilst I appreciate is only young now, will have no space in his home for his things and will just have everything crammed (or even the attic because there is literally not enough room for much more stuff in ours) into our room for the next 2 years.

Ooh interesting on the sex thing, I'd definitely make habing sex in front of the baby feel 'just not right' not the first or last time this will be used as a weapon

Suggest a bean bag. This can be tossed onto the bunk when not used.

My DD(2) has the box room in our house while my DSS has a large double room. This is primarily because that room is also our guest room and we have people to stay fairly often, it makes a lot more sense for the person who is only there EOW to use the guest room rather than the child that's always there needing to swap rooms every time we have a guest.

But guess what - all along the wall in DSSs room... is DDs things. Because she has a lot more of them here than he does and they need to go SOMEWHERE. That's the only available space. It's not an ideal situation but it's just the logical use of available space. I'd like to move to a house where the two other bedrooms are more equal in size, really, but it is difficult to escape the standard box room set up. If we can't move soon they will probably have to swap.

I imagine your DH would lose his mind if he saw my house. Your DS doesn't even have a room like my DD does, yet he begrudges him using that space at all. There is very little time left in which this set up won't just be blatantly cruel to your poor DS.

Your DH is a prick, why on earth would he begrudge a small bit of space for his child.
Absolutely appalling.
You need to overrule on this one, don't let him push you around as that's where it starts.
You're asking for storage space, not a whole room!
Despicable.
How you can respect a man like that, I don't know.

@FanGirlX

You and DS go in the bigger room.

DH shares the smaller room with DSC.

Yes. This! If your DH thinks that 3 people should share the biggest room make it him and his DCs. Twat.

I get that it all comes from guilt etc but it’s just so wearing when these dads can’t see that their attitude is responsible for most of the problems in step families. It’s the reason I still don’t live with my DP after nearly 10 years. A Disney dad is not my thing, so do that shit on your own time! I appreciate with a shared child it’s a different dynamic but honestly he’s being ridiculous. My DCs all swapped rooms as their needs changed - as they got older and got rid of toys etc they got smaller rooms so that the younger ones had more room to play. Older kids mainly hang out on their beds anyway.

Could the SDCs get one of those futon bunks so that the bottom one can be a sofa during the day, or just bolster it up with lots of cushions. No need for a separate sofa in a bedroom at all.

@Noogar

oh! Are you American *@Tattler2*? A lot of the houses here are tiny. My LO's room I think a lot of Americans would genuinely think was meant to be a storage cupboard.

One of my DCs rooms actually was a cupboard when we moved in

It was a bank of 2 double wardrobes with a similar sized space to stand in, and an airing cupboard for the hot water tank.

Knocked out the cupboard which was just big enough for a single bed, and voila - extra bedroom! Later on replaced the boiler so didn’t need the airing cupboard - now DS has a desk in there too! It’s so hard when you have several children to find a house with equal sized rooms. Hence mine swapping about over the years. One year the eldest offered his old Xbox in exchange for the bigger room, which DS2 bit his hand off for. Funnily enough he’s never swapped back since!

He’s being a dick. Why did he agree to have a third child if he’s not willing to consider him part of the family?

He seems to think he can guilt/shame/bully you into going along with his shit plan to sideline your shared child so I’d match his attempts with an almighty outburst about his unfairness and lack of care and consideration for his youngest.

Is this a one off act of fucking stupidity or is it part of a pattern where he doesn’t think your son is worthy of space in his home and your lives?

Is he going to be one of those twats who refuses to go out for trips unless his older kids are there? Who postpones DS’s birthday till the older ones can be there?

This is a big red flag and if you don’t put your son first no one else will.

@Tattler2 you don't half chat some waffle.

YANBU but your H is. The children have their own rooms at their Mothers home. Your DS needs to have his own space. I don't believe in this own bedroom at each house nonsense. Tell your H that he's being ridiculous. Because he really is.

I'd put so much of DS's stuff in your room so that your DH has no space and trips over stuff.

The whole arrangement is off. The 3 people who live there permanently are all crammed into the smallest room so those who only live there part time get the luxury of space. I wouldn't have agreed to that in the first place. You DH is a nobber.

This!!!

Although how you’re going to reverse the situation when you’re so far down the road, is a bit tricky ……

Honestly, I would leave over that. Your child is considered a second class citizen in his own home. 2 yo needs his own space and his own toys in his own play area. I guess your DSC have all these in their mum's house. Your son won't have anywhere. Parking that aside your DH is sacrificing your comfort by enforcing the toddler crammed in your (smallest!) bedroom. Why have you agreed to that?
Also you say you are planning to move in 3 years, many things can change in 3 years, but are you sure 2 other bedrooms won't be allocated to DSC each upon request from your DH?

Definitely swap rooms so you and DS together and he is in with DSC. That way you can have a single bed to fit things in for DS. The space in DSC room can be for his single bed.

Store the big bulky toys on his side of the bed sneak in some duplo when he is asleep it's almost as painful as lego

You should swap rooms on the basis that there are 3 people living full-time in your room, and 2 people in the other room part-time. That way your DS's things can stay in your room, rather than spreading across two rooms.

However, given you've ended up in the situation you are in, I'm pretty sure your DH will refuse to swap rooms on the basis that he doesn't want his DCs to feel pushed out of "their room", despite the arrangements he agreed for your shared DC at the outset.

All I can say is good luck OP, good luck.

So 3 of you are living there full time and the part-time DSC get the biggest room. Nope, not in my house they wouldn’t, not unless there are 4 or more them and they wouldn’t fit in the smaller room!

To echo what others have said, this situation is wild. The DSC are older, their toys are what, play stations and iPads? (Small stuff).

As your DS goes from 1-4 his toys are going to get bigger and bigger.

I would suggest using this dilemma as an anchor to switch rooms and put your foot down girl...

Good luck

Well, I'm imagining all sorts of creative space arranging Visions of double hammocks hanging from a reinforced ceiling. The understairs space turned into a Harry Potter style bedroom. A mezzanine shelf in the living room with a pull-down rope ladder. The boiler cupboard becoming a shower or utility room. Sliding metal partitions across the DSCs bedroom...

OK, Op, not exactly funny. But - what about that attic space - not for now, but later on if the move to a 3 bed is too big a leap? Does it offer potential for extension?

As an outside observer, I don't see anyone being treated as a second class citizen. I see 2 adults and 3 children living in an unfortunately inadequate space. The adults have 3 children about whom they need to be equally concerned and I think that they are. They just have differing views of fairness and equity.

If the ex were to experience a down turn in the capacity of housing space and was suddenly unable to provide her children with separate bedrooms, what that then make the situation in the OP's house fair or equitable?

There was a poster recently who stated that she wanted to invest her money towards ownership rather than renting. She had 2 children of different genders but could only afford a 2 bedroom property. She opted to give the children the 2 bedrooms and opted to buy a Murphy styled bedroom for the downstairs living room and to use that as her bedroom. Obviously, there are solutions available that do not factor in what happens in someone else's household.

What happens if in later years mom or maternal grandparents are positioned to purchase a car for each of the older 2 children or to send them to more expensive schools. Will they be expected to do without because that is not an option available to their younger sibling?

Equity means distributing fairly your resources. After an explanation of the actual size of the house, I understand the problem. The house is insufficient to meet comfortably the living needs of the household ; that is unfortunate, but it in no way changes what should be an equitable distribution of dad's space and resources within "his " household. It matters not what is available in the ex's household.

@FanGirlX

You and DS go in the bigger room.

DH shares the smaller room with DSC.

I like this idea

Are you contributing to the house? If so I would stop financially contributing. If you are contributing in other ways like housework stop that too. Your DH is a fool for squeezing the 3 of you into the smallest spaces of the house so he can disney parent his kids & you need to make him feel the consequences of that decision.

If the ex were to experience a down turn in the capacity of housing space and was suddenly unable to provide her children with separate bedrooms, what that then make the situation in the OP's house fair or equitable?

No. The lack of fairness here isn't specifically about the fact that the SC have another home elsewhere, you've honed in on that part because people raising that argument is a sore spot for you. Even if the SC were there full time, it still wouldn't be fair for the youngest child to not only not have a room, but not be allowed to use any of the available space to store his things.

They just have differing views of fairness and equity.

There is really no angle from which they both have equally reasonable views about fairness and equity. He has simply not thought about his younger child at all. He is offering nothing in terms of fairness for him.

If the ex were to experience a down turn in the capacity of housing space and was suddenly unable to provide her children with separate bedrooms, what that then make the situation in the OP's house fair or equitable?

It would be a total rethink for all parties. IF it happened. But that is whataboutery. Step-parenting situations all have their own unique flavour, and creative custom-built solutions are best.

Can't suggest anything for your 'DH' attitude but what about one of those Ikea daybeds with the drawers underneath, it will act like a sofa with cushions at the back but also provide storage for little one........ with the added benefit of being a bed for DH if his attitude doesn't improve!!! 😜