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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I really being a wicked step mother?!

87 replies

OnlyOneRaisin · 03/10/2021 20:26

So for background i honestly don't believe I'm a bad step mother at all. I have always gone out of my way to be kind, welcoming, friendly and have helped out a lot with DSCs over the years always doing what I can. Both DH and their Mum has asked me for help with things before and I've always been happy to. I have a really good relationship with the kids too, they message me and even call me sometimes when they aren't with us too just to chat or to ask for something like kids do

Anyway, just wanted to mention the above so people know I'm really not some horrible push the kids out type.

We bought a house recently as we'd been renting for a while and wanted to get on the ladder.

When we first moved we agreed that DSC would have the biggest bedroom so that our joint DS (who is 1) could have some storage in there for his things as he gets more as he grows but he'd physically sleep in with us until we were ready to move (we are only hoping to be here for about 2-3 years). Both rooms are doubles, one is slightly larger which DSC are in but we can manage okay in ours with the double bed, wardrobes and a cot/toddler bed for DS. We'll hopefully then be in a position financially to move onto a 3 bed in the nearish future.

Anyway, the set up was that there would be a space left clear in DSCs room so that we could get some storage in there for DS's things, toys, clothes, etc... DSC also have bunk beds (which they wanted), drawers for their clothes, a table, computer, a chair, side tables etc.. and a TV with games console.

DH has now started saying they can get more stuff like a sofa for example in the space we agreed to leave for a bit of storage for DS. DSCs haven't even brought this up he is just mentioning it.

We've argued tonight because I reminded him that we were supposed to be getting storage for DS's stuff especially as he gets older, starts getting more toys etc... And hes told me I'm pushing his kids out, taking over their room, not "letting them have a nice room"?! Our son will be fine with his stuff in our room until he's 3 (it's cramped as it is because we took smallest for precisely this reason!!).

I'm really upset (and pissed off) I am NOT a bad step Mum I know that in my heart, the fact he's saying I'm try to push out his kids because I've asked for a small space for storage for DS which we agreed before we moved and is why DSC are in the bigger room in the first place?!

As for not letting them have a nice room..?! They have so much stuff in there they absolutely do not go without at all, TV, drawers, table computers etc...

This absolutely isn't anything against DSC, they've known they'd have to have some of their brothers things in their room from the start and they've always been fine about it.

But DHs comments tonight have really upset me. It's like I can't make any comment about anything even remotely relating to the kids without him getting defensive like I'm terrible and want to push his children out. I also feel annoyed for my son who, whilst I appreciate is only young now, will have no space in his home for his things and will just have everything crammed (or even the attic because there is literally not enough room for much more stuff in ours) into our room for the next 2 years.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Noogar · 04/10/2021 06:22

Effectively the youngest child has the largest space allocation as things stand.

No DSC have space at their mums. You say that doesn't matter but it does. They don't have 2x as much stuff as they aren't in both homes equally. Just about 1.5x.

In this scenario, OP's child doesn't have any space to call their own! They sleep in their parents room and then have a bit of space in their step sibling's

Noogar · 04/10/2021 06:23

Oops posted too soon!

A bit of space in their step siblings room isn't too much to ask. It's likely they'll mess with it and play with the toys etc as it is.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 06:28

A bedroom isn't just storage space, it's a sanctuary to call their own. And OP's LO hasn't got one so they least they can have is a bit of space to call their own in their stepsibings room.

deeni · 04/10/2021 06:30

Forgetting all the space practicalities- of course you're not OP, and I'd be telling him how much he's hurt you with the accusation. It's a nasty way of manipulating you.

If he's in there with the kids then presumably he wants a sofa for himself?

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2021 06:30

Tell him the DSC got the largest room on the basis there would be storage for DS. If DH has changed his mind and DS things have it go in your room ie two adults and a child in one of the rooms then it will make sense to take the bigger room back.

Totally agree. I’d say I live here full time, ds loves here full time and on my and his behalf I’m no longer happy having two adults and a child squashed into the smallest room with only two children in the bigger room. Either we make some space for ds things LIKE YOU AGREED or we will swap rooms. These are the only two reasonable options. If you want to phrase this as I don’t care about my stepchildren I think I will have to step back from all the things I do for them as while I thought you noticed and appreciated it, clearly you’ve done neither.
Id make a stand because dhs attitude is shit and I want my boundaries drawn clear before ds is old enough to notice, and my opinion to have some weight in my house, and me not taken for granted.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 07:48

How often are the DSC there? Every other weekend? Or 50/50?

Carolinesyear · 04/10/2021 08:27

I think it definitely boils down to how often the step children are there. But ultimately even if they are there 50/50 your son is still there 100.
I think this is a really common problem and one I'm going to be faced with very soon. You need to speak to your DH and tell him your worries
My worries would be not the storage issue but the fact my son doesn't have his own space at all, I know you say you're moving but what if you don't!
I'd want my son to have his own space in that room for him to sleep in.
If the kids want a sofa would a double sofa bed not be a good idea (again this depends on the age of sc and how often they stay) when we stayed with our grandparents when we were young which was very often all three of us shared a sofa bed and we loved it! When families split compromises have to be made on all sides, this is for your husband to realise and accept.

forrestgreen · 04/10/2021 08:30

Swap rooms

aSofaNearYou · 04/10/2021 09:08

Your DH is absolutely delusional and needs to pull his head out of his arse.

His children have been prioritised throughout all of this, they have a bigger room than the THREE permanent members of the household including the adults, and your son doesn't even have his own room.

I would be telling him to buck up his ideas, fast. I wouldn't be offering him favours regarding the kids until he'd got a grip.

aSofaNearYou · 04/10/2021 09:11

@Youseethethingis

Effectively the youngest child has the largest space allocation as things stand Have the fucking packet

Absolutely laughing my head off at the fact this was actually said in all seriousness 🤣

Noogar · 04/10/2021 09:34

Why do they need a sofa in their room anyway. They'll spend enough time in there without encouraging them. Much better they go to the living area and join in as a family.

CornishGem1975 · 04/10/2021 09:39

I feel your pain. You're not being unreasonable. My SC have their own rooms, our own DS at nearly 2 is in with us still because there's nowhere for him to go.

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2021 09:41

Oh looks like he's a Disney dad. Why has he gone back on your agreement? Why didn't you take the biggest bedroom to start with, you're the adults.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 09:45

@CornishGem1975

I feel your pain. You're not being unreasonable. My SC have their own rooms, our own DS at nearly 2 is in with us still because there's nowhere for him to go.

Can the SC not share?!

Blueberryflavour · 04/10/2021 09:47

I would be storing all your youngest’s stuff on the floor on your DH’s side of the bed so he has to physically climb over it to get in and out of bed, he might then see that a 1yr old does need stuff. If bed is against the wall pile the stuff up on his side of the bed, then he has to find somewhere else for it to go. Being charitable maybe he just can’t visualise the problem, so show him. The sofa issue is just nonsense, if they need seating for gaming or homework etc bean bags or blow up chairs would be a more flexible way of providing seating without taking up permanent space.

Magda72 · 04/10/2021 09:49

The whole arrangement is off. The 3 people who live there permanently are all crammed into the smallest room so those who only live there part time get the luxury of space. I wouldn't have agreed to that in the first place. You DH is a nobber.
This!
Of course dsc need their space in dad's house but THEY also have space elsewhere (mums) - you guys don't! This is totally ridiculous & really unfair. Move the dsc into the smaller room & take the larger one.

PinkSyCo · 04/10/2021 10:20

Your DH is being unreasonable. No kid needs a couch, but they do need toys and clothes and a space in which to put them. If his attitude doesn’t change, there is a danger that as your child and his wants and needs grow you could end up resenting them, which would be a real shame given the lovely bond you seem to have now. You need to sit your DH down and discuss why he’s being like this. Does he feel a lot of guilt for the break up of his previous marriage? Guilt that he doesn’t see the kids enough? How often do you have them?

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/10/2021 10:21

I think @Tattler2 has no idea just how tiny houses in the UK are, compared to those in the US. What we call a double bedroom, she would call a closet!

Seriously, fitting a 5' bed or larger into, say, a 12'*12' room, plus clothes storage for 3, plus a cot, plus nappies, plus toys, plus nursing chair etc...

American colleages - have a look on Zoopla or similar, you will be amazed. My Californian friends think my house is hilarious

NowEvenBetter · 04/10/2021 11:17

Get your husbad

NowEvenBetter · 04/10/2021 11:18

Get your husband to solve it. If he’s worried about space he needs to use contraception.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 11:26

oh! Are you American @Tattler2? A lot of the houses here are tiny. My LO's room I think a lot of Americans would genuinely think was meant to be a storage cupboard.

PeeAche · 04/10/2021 11:38

Your DH is suffering from that awful Divorced-Dad-Guilt. It sometimes puts the blinders on my own DH too, where his DC are concerned.

I try to pick my battles (You’ve given your daughter pie for breakfast?…. Riiight)

This is definitely a battle to pick.

Buy the storage unit today. Install it into its new home. Tell him he’s more than welcome to still put a sofa in, if he can make it fit. It’ll be a great place for him to spend the night if he’s a prick to you again.

SciFiScream · 04/10/2021 11:53

Tell your DH that it won't be long until you have to get a triple bunk. A double underneath a single. That will clear up space in your room.

You could even get one of those triple bunks where the double bed is also a sofa and then your DSC can have the living room too!

Of course when this happens you'll have no privacy but I suppose you are used to this. However sex will be more complicated as your DS gets older so perhaps you should just get used to celibacy now? Or use the bathroom?

Ask your DH where your DS is going to store his stuff. Maybe he has thought of this already (ha)

CornishGem1975 · 04/10/2021 12:16

@Noogar Boy and a girl - approaching the ages where it doesn't seem right for them to share to be honest. DS could squeeze in one of the rooms but that doesn't fill me with joy either.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 12:19

[quote CornishGem1975]@Noogar Boy and a girl - approaching the ages where it doesn't seem right for them to share to be honest. DS could squeeze in one of the rooms but that doesn't fill me with joy either.[/quote]
Ah right yeah. It's very tricky these sleeping arrangements in step families!

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