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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SO accusing me of being divisive

79 replies

Drift101 · 22/09/2021 08:22

Morning all,

I need your help. I’m nachoing in a big way, Level 3 Nacho Supreme, and have communicated this to my partner. He was disappointed initially but said he understood and would be supportive.

Since nachoing our relationship seems to have got worse. He is accusing me of coming between him and his child by distancing myself and protecting my peace.

Examples:

  • It was my friend’s baby shower and I stayed after to help clear up. He saw that as me avoiding his daughter when I was just being helpful to a friend.
  • I went to London for the day to get my (ex) engagement ring valued. I did it when he had his daughter so they could spend some time just one on one but he said I’m splitting everyone up and causing a divide. I didn’t want to do it on one of our weekends as I would have been going alone anyway. I asked if he fancied making a weekend of it but we both realised that might be a bit odd!
  • It was the anniversary of my Dad’s death on transition day. She got here at 6pm so I had a nice normal chat with her when she arrived then when she went upstairs I closed the living room door so I could get under a blanket, watch trash tv and feel crappy in peace without the competing sounds of computer games. Apparently by doing this I’ve shut his daughter out and made her disappear. She wouldn’t have known the door was closed because she’d gone up to her room and closed hers. This is something she’s always done as she has a lot of screen time in her bedroom.
  • Similar happened with the food shopping. I closed the kitchen door to put the food shopping away, we have a cat so wanted to keep him out, but again I’m only doing it to shut his daughter out. She was upstairs with her door closed, again this is her choice as she wants to play computer games or watch the tv.
  • We’ve recently moved into a new house (7 weeks ago) and haven’t yet put any pictures up. He kicked off saying that if anyone came in to the house and glanced around they wouldn’t know she lived here because there’s nothing of hers “out on show”. I calmly pointed out they wouldn’t know who lived here at all because all of our shoes and coats are put away, things are tidy, and we haven’t put up any of our pictures yet.

I’m at a loss I really am.

I was more involved with parenting and discipline but that caused friction and now I’ve stepped back he’s accusing me of things that just aren’t true.

We’ve talked and he said he’ll be more mindful and try not to see everything in a negative light but I feel like I’m waiting for the next accusation or problem to arise.

If I’ve got it wrong and I am being divisive then do tell me as it wasn’t my intention. I feel like I’m just getting on with things.

Thanks if you’ve got this far x

OP posts:
BananaPB · 22/09/2021 08:26

What are you doing with him? This is a massive LTB situation. He is using any excuse to belittle you.
As an outsider his excuses are illogical and bizarre. Can you see that you can't win so shouldn't play the game at all?

MrsWooster · 22/09/2021 08:26

Im not sure about the nachoing thing but my initial thought was to show him a version of what you’ve written here, as it seems perfectly reasonable. If he can’t see your POV, perhaps you need to wonder how he sees your relationship-does he have done fantasy about sd slotting into a perfect family unit-he’s dad, you’re mum while she’s with you? Sd has a perfectly good mum (I assume) and he may need a heartily dose of reality to address his actual Life rather than his fantasy.

MrsRobbieHart · 22/09/2021 08:29

Thai isn’t the relationship for you. LTB, stay with your cat.

MrsRobbieHart · 22/09/2021 08:29

this

MzHz · 22/09/2021 08:31

So he’s huffing and sulking because you’re not “stepping up” into the role of parent to make his life easier?

And he’s accusing you of utter bollocks to do it

I’m sorry, but I don’t think this relationship will work, he’s not a good dad because he thinks he’s entitled to force you he position on you, and what’s worse, when you DID participate, he wasn’t happy then either

What’s the living situation- owners? Tenants?

WimpoleHat · 22/09/2021 08:35

Agree with others - run a mile from this….

trumpisagit · 22/09/2021 08:39

What does the whole Nacho thing mean?

cervixuser · 22/09/2021 08:41

I don't understand nachoing

toomuchlaundry · 22/09/2021 08:42

If he wants pictures on the walls why hasn’t he put some up? But this is the least of your worries

RedMarauder · 22/09/2021 08:43

Mmmm...he's weird.

His daughter comes to see him her dad not you.

You are right to step back to ensure they can spend good quality time with one another.

If he is too stupid to understand that and thinks due to you being an adult female in a relationship with him that you should parent his daughter, then for your own piece of mind you need to split up.

DoItAfraid · 22/09/2021 08:43

Not sure what Nacho means.

But reading all those accusations made me feel tired! It must be exhausting for you.

I honestly dont know but my first instinct is that it is your partner who is the problem not the step parent issue.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2021 08:43

He sounds deeply annoying. I would just be less forgiving of this. You've already told him how ridiculous his accusations are, he needs to stop making them or the relationship isn't going to work.

Original poster
Drift101 · 22/09/2021 08:45

Thanks all for your replies so far.

  • He does have an idea of a perfect blend and has said very openly that he hoped we’d be a little family. I’ve told him that his daughter already has 2 parents and that she is here to see him. I’ll join in with some things but as I don’t have children I want to enjoy my own time too.
  • He didn’t expect me to do the heavy disciplining but to “pull her up” on things such as manners, tidying up etc but then would say I criticise her so I stepped back from doing that.

We have just bought a house together and whilst I could buy him out of it came to that, I wouldn’t be able to get the mortgage on my own.

I’m 35 and feel like time is ticking. When it’s just us it’s great but when this happens it’s just hard…

OP posts:
TheChip · 22/09/2021 08:45

Basically nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. He is just using whatever you do to have a bitch and moan at you.

From your post, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I mean, shutting a door means you're shutting his daughter out? What planet is he on? He has that little on you to bitch and moan about that he is using a door being shut as ammo to go at you!

Original poster
Drift101 · 22/09/2021 08:48

Nacho is a term by the Nacho Kids Academy.
Essentially it means stepping back considerably and placing so much more of the parenting roles, duties, and responsibilities where they belong… on the parent.

Not my circus not my monkeys springs to mind!

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 22/09/2021 08:50

Honestly fuck that, how exhausting OP. He won’t change, just leave. Flowers

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/09/2021 08:51

No idea what the nacho thing is but you both need to have a sit down and proper discussion about things moving forwards

Tigertealeaves · 22/09/2021 08:53

What is Nacho? Does it mean taking a step back from parenting his child?

Any family member is allowed their own space sometimes. Your DSD regularly goes in her room and shuts the door. Is she "shutting out" you and her dad, probably not, she's just having her own space. Why on earth would that privilege be allowed to a child but not to one of the adults paying for the home.

I don't know if it would be worth making that link for him?

I do find that the DP/DH in the centre of a stepfamily often has this fantasy that everyone will 'blend' and spend all their time together whereas nobody wants that as much as him. Child wants his 1:1 attention no less than before he met you. I've had my DP ask me before why did I leave the room when he was engaged in an exclusive 1:1, 45 minute chat with DSS about his day... because I have other things to do!? And DSS loves getting the sole attention. Works out for both of us, just DP being odd about it. If your DSD is happy then what is the problem.

MichelleScarn · 22/09/2021 08:59

@Drift101

Nacho is a term by the Nacho Kids Academy. Essentially it means stepping back considerably and placing so much more of the parenting roles, duties, and responsibilities where they belong… on the parent.

Not my circus not my monkeys springs to mind!

Ah so like natcho=not your?

Like the joke, what cheese can't you eat? Natcho cheese !

RedMarauder · 22/09/2021 09:06

OP from your update it is clear he wants you to do all the grunt work for him that women traditionally do in relationships. However your relationship is not traditional as you are a working woman.

He also seems to not want you to have a say with what goes on with his daughter in your household when she steps out of line. If you have children with him his ways won't work because his daughter will be treated very differently to your own joint children and he will be a Disney dad to his daughter.

With my DP, in my extended family and with close friends any children we look after in any capacity we are expected to discipline them as required to ensure they grow up to be functional members of society. It also meant that we could take the children out including on day trips without their parent(s), as their parent(s) knew they would be safe as they listened to the adult taking care of them. Now some of the children are adults we have our own good trusting relationships with them.

I suggest going to couples counselling rather than just talking to him so he can see that you aren't throwing accusations at him about his shit attitude. If he refuses to go to counselling or the counselling throws up things that indicate that you shouldn't be in a relationship with one another, then you need to go your separate ways.

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 09:34

You can't win here. He's acknowledged that you're stepping back but is now taking every single little thing as a slight against his daughter.

There's nothing you can do, other than completely and totally immersing yourself into their relationship, that will please him.

PeeAche · 22/09/2021 09:37

Nacho parenting means “nacho kids, nacho problem”. It’s an American-born step-parenting movement.

PeeAche · 22/09/2021 09:46

OP, I have read all of the nacho stuff myself but felt that if I ever needed to adopt that method, it was probably curtains for my relationship with their dad.

Step-parenting is a nuanced thing. It’s never black and white. And it’s rarely easy. But it is possible to have a positive role and be child focused whilst also not losing yourself to it.

Have you used the term “nacho” to your SO? Perhaps he’s in free fall panic mode?
Also, what on Earth happened to put you on this setting? Was it one big thing? Or a series of smaller things? Do you mind sharing a bit more information?

WoozySnoozy · 22/09/2021 09:48

He is deliberately looking for offence when none is meant. This is not a good sign.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2021 09:59

Step-parenting is a nuanced thing. It’s never black and white. And it’s rarely easy. But it is possible to have a positive role and be child focused whilst also not losing yourself to it.

But it is also possible to not be child focused and it not be malicious or unacceptable. It is a valid choice.