DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

I would run so fast he wouldn't see me for dust. It is not your job to fix this. He seems warped.

Poor child.

I literally can't believe you're with this weirdo.. Beyond creepy.

I mean I had to read that twice as that's shocked me.

It's concerning hes already normalise you into accepting as a step parent you are the human equivalent of a germ with no feelings, and gas lighting you that your selfish 😵‍💫😵‍💫 when actually he's the one putting himself first.

Echoing others run run run for the hills. You are not his substitute mum to teach him life's lessons about what is and isn't acceptable.

I'm sorry op I know he's Brillant bar all this but look closely really closely - what's he like when things don't go his way ? Does he guilt you or the SD ? That should show you a lot.

This poor girl - I would feel horrible letting my dad down if he said that to me.

OP, let’s say for a moment that he just likes to be near his daughter because of his own distress at no longer being a full time resident parent. Let’s just say that. Even though we all feel really fucking creeped out about this.

A young person needs their own space. A master bedroom is shared by an adult couple who refer to it as “ours”. Usually the couple is a child’s parents, but increasingly, a parent and step parent etc.

In any case, when a divorced /separated parent looks to replace this adult couple dynamic with an adult-child dynamic, it is called parentification or parentalisation. Other examples may include becoming the parent’s confidant for age inappropriate matters or relying on the child to provide some kind of care or assistance (help mummy to bed when she’s drunk etc)

Referring to the room as “ours” with his little girl is confusing to a child in terms of boundaries. And it robs her of a very normal experience in having her own room which she can grow into.

This parentification is abusive and typical of cluster B personality types.

I hate to go around waving red flags but I agree with other users, however you paint it, it is abusive.

I don’t want to advise you on reporting her, because WTF do I know? But, for your own security, ditch this boundary-less fart of a man.

Hi OP, I've been in and run from a couple of situations that set off my instincts but I couldn't quite explain why yet when time has passed I can see clearly with hindsight how messed up they were.

You need to get out. It is wrong on every level both to you and to the child. I really feel for you both.

@PeeAche explained parentification very well. I agree with everything she said except the last bit - please report this man.

He doesn't like listening to females, does he?

In many cultures, it is not uncommon for parents and kids to share the same bed; generally, this is out of necessity. In this case, this is a "parent needing " to sleep in the same bed as the child.

There is little need to discuss the merits of that situation. What the OP knows is that it makes her uncomfortable and unhappy. She is largely responsible for own her comfort and happiness. It may not be very fair to ask your partner to cease doing something that leads to his comfort and happiness solely for purposes of ensuring your comfort and happiness.

I would be uncomfortable with a man who asked or expected a child to do something that they would not typically do solely to make the adult feel more secure.

I would not find the option of staying with him when the child is not there to be a reasonable alternative to what I would think of as unhealthy decision making.

Why work so hard to find a way to remain with a person that you view as having a major flaw? To my way of thinking, that would only make sense if your dating or partnering options were limited to a flawed dating pool.

He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her

This is how you think of a partner, not a child. This is disturbing, creepy and abusive. The child doesn't want him in bed with her and he is not allowing her to have her own boundaries. I'd report this tbh.

Yuck. Run away

Oh and OP, you asked if this is a normal experience that other step parents or potential step parents find themselves in?

No. Categorically no. At your stage in the relationship, we were packing the kids off to THEIR OWN beds so that we could rock each other’s worlds on the nightly.

Quietly, like.

@Lena007

Thank you, I don't know what to say.

For the rest of the time I haven't seen anything odd, he is hands on dad, taks her on various trips, teaches her a lot and isn't clingy at all. Respects her privacy all other times from what I've seen but this one, I just can't get my head around it.

He said he isn't going to sleep with her when she gets older but couldn't specify what age he meant. I genuinely think he mentally stopped at some point when DSD was toddler and he refuses to accept the fact she is getting older and, frankly, his life had changed.

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2? That's one of the two reasons I put up with sleeping in the spare bedroom for so many months. The second one is that I believed this was something DSD needed.

No. You don't always put the children first. In any family there must be a balance of needs and wants.

But even if it was the case that parents should always put the child first - This isn't putting her first because it's not what she wants.
It's what he wants.
You know that because he's told you that, very clearly.
It is inappropriate for him to insist his daughter sleep with him and it's creepy as fuck for him to be wanging on about wanting to fall asleep with her and wake up with her etc

@ActonSquirrel

No one would bat an eyelid if a mum was doing it.

She is his daughter. She will grow out of it before long.

My 8 yo niece won't sleep alone and it is a huge bone of contention as I have refused to look after her in the past as I'm not bed sharing with an 8 year old. She either stays up late until you go to bed or you have to go.to bed with her at 8pm and I'm doing neither.

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man I couldn't even sleep with at home or on hols I'd dump for that. What's the point.

But she has grown out of it she doesn't want it he does ? It's really unhealthy he really does not need to sleep with her. You will always be playing second fiddle to his child

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2?

Not in this kind of context.
Run.

Reading this reminds me of many child protection courses where we've been asked to sort scenarios into appropriate and inappropriate.
This comes under inappropriate.
Before you run for the hills please think of this eight year old girl. You should be siding with her and helping her voice her views. She is not giving her consent and even if she did it's still not appropriate really is it?!

I agree with PPs, please talk to the NSPCC or someone. It's not right and just because things seem fine during the day it doesn't mean they're fine all the time.
And at least validate what this child is saying. This is so sad.

I’m finding the ‘run for the hills’ comments really worrying, what about the child?!
Please dont just run away and leave the 8 year old child in this situation without saying something or reporting it for further investigation.
Keeping children safe is everyone’s responsibility.

Odd all round

@ActonSquirrel

No one would bat an eyelid if a mum was doing it.

She is his daughter. She will grow out of it before long.

My 8 yo niece won't sleep alone and it is a huge bone of contention as I have refused to look after her in the past as I'm not bed sharing with an 8 year old. She either stays up late until you go to bed or you have to go.to bed with her at 8pm and I'm doing neither.

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man I couldn't even sleep with at home or on hols I'd dump for that. What's the point.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said her DSD has asked her father 3 times if she can sleep in her own room?

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her.

He is not putting her needs first. He is putting his own needs first.

He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her.

See above.

Jesus.

It’s one thing if a child actively chooses to co-sleep - but if you are in that situation you also should be thinking, by age 8, of making the transition to separate spaces easier and less painless, whilst always going at the child’s pace.

It’s really not OK.

he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her
I mean - I get this, I do. I loved sleeping with my DC and waking up by them and I still sneakily live it when they’re ill or whatever and need the extra comfort, or if we plan a ‘sleepover’ as a treat. It’s hard when you don’t want a phase to end.

But end they must, as our only job as parents is to help them grow up into well adjusted people. He needs to get over his own selfish desires and listen to his child.

She said she wants to sleep alone.
He said no.

As PP said, he's teaching her that she doesn't have personal space and that it's up to men to decide their proximity to her, not up to her to have strong boundaries. That it's up to her to placate men and make them happy even when it goes against her own wishes.

Best case scenario he's a selfish dad who parents based on his wants not the child's needs, worst case scenario... too awful to contemplate.

Seriously @Lena007, just leave now. This situation has "messy" written all over it.

Reading this gave me a serious case of the ick 🤢🤢🤢😷 the language he uses when he speaks about co sleeping with his daughter is disgusting 😒 there is no way I would be staying with this man. Massive alarm bells should be going off here for you

@sassbott

Christ. Two things that are entirely separate IMO.

1. His entitlement around sharing a bed with his daughter, even though that overrides how she feels about it.
2. Your relationship

First point. What he’s doing is wrong on so many levels, it’s unhealthy and bordering into abusive. He clearly has no idea re healthy/ appropriate boundaries. He also has very unhealthy views around what a secure attachment looks like (to be clear secure parenting does not involve forcing a child to sleep with you).
In terms of where this leaves him personally? It leaves him exposed and more importantly he is sending his daughter the message that she doesn’t have a say on who is in her personal space. That falls under ‘grooming’ territory. He is telling his daughter that his needs and wants as an adult male, supercede her needs and wants. That’s how you lay the foundations for sexual abuse. And that is exactly how any safeguarding professional will view it. This is so beyond inappropriate - it’s making my stomach turn.

Your relationship - I would step back, take a look at what is happening here and ask myself if I wanted to be in a relationship with a grown adult that had this level of dysfunctional attachment styles. He’s manipulating his daughter and he’s manipulating you - both so his needs get met.

There is no space in here for his daughters needs or yours. In your shoes I think I would feel sick at the prospect that he moves from sleeping with his daughter (whom he’s forcing himself on) to sleeping with you.

. Report this man. This girl needs to be able to learn that saying ‘no’ to someone means no. And that if the no isn’t listened to, there are repercussions. Every human being has a fundamental right to say no when it comes to things like this. That ‘no’ should be heard and respected.

@sassbott is spot on.

Thank you all, it is a lot to take in.

DSD doesn't have her own bedroom at DP's flat. I have suggested this (converting the spare bedroom into DSD's bedroom), I have suggested I take her shopping to decorate it, you know, unicorns and rainbows, some fairy lights, favourite bedding, cushions... He said why would I want to limit her into just one bedroom? He said the full flat is DSD's and she is free to have her stuff everywhere, that means her clothes on the living room sofa, livingroom full of toys. He said she doesn't need to have her own bedroom just to sleep there and there is no point in doing it. I was trying to explain how each child needs some personal space and a proper night time routine.

I don't know. I find it difficult to think he would harm her in any way. But it doesn't make putting himself first OK in this situation.

He has absolutely no problems with females, has two sisters and gets on well with them. I haven't once sensed anything negative from him towards me (or anyone else) because of their gender. Nothing like that.

I need to think what am I going to do now. It would be so much easier if other areas of our relationship were crap, but they arent.

I will call NSPPC for some guidance. And him, I could give him an ultimatum, tell him about how serious it is (hoping he doesn't get it for some reason) and give him a choice of this stops as of now or I'm out.

I was thinking about speaking to DSD's mum but I haven't met her so it would need to be arranged through DP.

Sounds pretty worrying. I would be concerned and be speaking to school/NSPCC.