DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

That’s downright unhealthy. Get out and feel relieved you’ve dodged a bullet, OP.

Oh and above all, do not consider having children with this man!

This is unhealthy. She isn't asking to share the bed he is and that's downright weird.

I have a 7 year old DD. She sleeps in with me when

1. She's not well
2. She's had a particularly bad nightmare and can't settle.

I'd never ever force my child to share a bed with me.

Sorry, no. This is not a relationship you should stay in.

This mean is unhealthily obsessed with his daughter to the point he is stifling her independence and not letting her grow up. This will not end well. This whole paragraph is fucked up:

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would.

Honestly OP, sack him off asap.

People don’t need to share their own personal kid-in-their-bed tales, it doesn’t apply here.
OP I see you were previously in a relationship with an abuser who recorded you and stuff. You need to stay away from men, dump this current creep and report him, please.

Very very weird and a bit creepy whatever the sex of the child/parent.
Get out now OP

OP, why do you need to make him understand how mad this is? The better question is why are you hanging around in this madness? Tbh, the man has every right to make poor and unhealthy decision for himself and sadly for his daughter.

You have only been with this man for a relatively short time and you have discovered a major flaw. Rather than trying to fix this broken man, wouldn't it make more sense to move on and look for a healthy relationship?

You do not need validation or assurances from strangers to tell you that this is not the situation for you; your own instincts are tell you that. Why do you think that you have hung around as long as you have. Maybe it is your tolerance level for unhappiness that you should work on fixing. Your partner has made his position and stance very clear. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior and as such he is not likely going to be willing to make any changes.

At this point, any unhappiness or discomfort that you experience is self inflicted.

So why do you stay over? Does he need you to make breakfast for them while he's lying there staring lovingly at her? Poor girl. Poor you! Even if he stopped now you'd always be wary of him in the future making the wrong choices. End it now.

If she was coming in to his bed because they had a bad night/couldn't sleep (their decision) that would be totally normal - my sons still would cuddle up with me if they had a bad night now and then when they were 10/11 (but haven't for ages now they're a bit older).

If I as an adult insisted they slept in my bed - even at 6/7/8 that would be desperately inappropriate. If THEY insisted on it that would be less weird but not really compatible with me having a sexual relationship with another adult.

It sounds like she would like to have a room of her own - maybe you could talk about how exciting it would be to decorate it etc, get her enthused - and I would have to say something about how it wasn't appropriate to insist on this. It's clearly for HIS benefit not his daughter who deserves privacy as she approaches adolescence.

However it all might just be a bit too entrenched to change in which case I think you might be stuck in the spare room indefinitely and that's disrespectful and yes, weird.

You don’t have to convince him, just have your own boundaries. Starting now while you think about the rest no more overnights while she’s there, and obviously no holidays with both of them. Tell him this, and that this won’t work for you long term. His parenting is his choice obviously but you’re also considering where this is going.

This is a safeguarding issue and needs to be actioned.
Contacting social services or the police sounds so scary I know, but most local authorities now have safeguarding units with helplines and contact numbers, you could call for advise anonymously. You don’t have to see it as ‘reporting’ but more of an information sharing, getting some advice and also knowing you have your DSD’s best interest at heart.
She is only 8, she doesn’t have a voice in this as dad is not listening to her. Please seek some advice, you clearly know it’s not right and it’s a huge RED FLAG
Your local authority will have family workers who can speak to school and have a confidential chat with her there away from parents if needed.

How do I speak to him to get him to understand how mad this is? you tell him that it’s a safeguarding issue. That if she mentions at school she’s made to sleep in bed with her dad even when she doesn’t want to social services will come down on him like a ton of bricks. And then he will likely lose access when his ex takes him to court.

Or alternatively you get the hell out and then speak to social services and possibly even the mum anyway.

This man is a child abuser in the making, if he isn’t already abusing the child.

Pedo. 🚩
Does not sit right with me. Do not have kids with this man.

Please call the NSPCC and chat it through with them. There comes a point where this type of stuff isn't developmentally normal and to insist is not in the child's best interest. This shouldn't be about what he wants, rather what is best for the child. She's telling him she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed, and that should be respected.

Please don't let him make you feel bad accusing you of jealousy, childish etc. Another big red flag. How often he sees his DD has nothing to do with your relationship with him aswell.. how could it??

It’s really fucking weird. But then I find it weird that any adult sleeps in the same bed as a reasonably grown child.

I don’t think it’s a safeguarding issue, she’s starting to grow out of it but has clearly been mostly ok about it, note the part where it’s HER suggestion for on a holiday plus she does it with her mum. It’s inappropriate of him to insist and she will only continue to grow out of it. But I can’t see a future with a guy who is only sharign a bed with me because his daughter refused and doesn’t have a clue how inappropriate his behaviour is to her nor how disrespectful it is to his partner! Never settle for crumbs in a relationship.

Thank you, I don't know what to say.

For the rest of the time I haven't seen anything odd, he is hands on dad, taks her on various trips, teaches her a lot and isn't clingy at all. Respects her privacy all other times from what I've seen but this one, I just can't get my head around it.

He said he isn't going to sleep with her when she gets older but couldn't specify what age he meant. I genuinely think he mentally stopped at some point when DSD was toddler and he refuses to accept the fact she is getting older and, frankly, his life had changed.

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2? That's one of the two reasons I put up with sleeping in the spare bedroom for so many months. The second one is that I believed this was something DSD needed.

This probably feels like a difficult situation, but it's not, really. It's very simple. This man is abusing his child, using her for his personal gratification against her wishes. That's abuse. The type of gratification isn't really significant although in this case it's a massive red flag.

In addition, he doesn't treat you with the respect you are due as a partner.

So he hasn't anything much going for him on a very fundamental level. He is not a person to build a life and a family with.

What do you think you're going to do?

Stepparents shouldnt always come last, what an awful arrangement. There is lots of compromise to make and children’s health and welfare always come first but this is not for her health or welfare, and a man who repeatedly demonstrates putting his partner last is not modeling a healthy relationship to his child. For example, if he brought 3 cakes home, ate one and she asked for 2 and he gave them to her it’s terrible parenting and not something you should put up with.

He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her

He's fucking unhinged. Get rid.

More importantly than what your boyfriend says/thinks, who is safeguarding this child?

Your own son has already suffered trauma from your last boyfriend, now he’s living with this walking red flag, and the little girl is being made to get into bed with her father. I’m going to have to hide this thread, it’s fucking sickening.

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2? That's one of the two reasons I put up with sleeping in the spare bedroom for so many months. The second one is that I believed this was something DSD needed.

OP there are people on here that will say it is but as a step parent I cannot stress enough how much it should not be like this, and how awful and gaslighting his responses to you are. By saying "I expect you to act like an adult and put up with it because I would" he is trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem and there is something wrong with you if you expect any kind of compromise or basic respect in your relationship, and it sounds like it is working.

Even if the issue with the cosleeping was completely different and was instigated by DSD, the way he speaks to YOU is disrespectful and appalling. This only gets worse and will lead to a lifetime of misery if you stay with him. You really should get as far away from this man as possible.

It's not your job to make him see anything. He won't listen to you anyway.

It's weird as fuck because it's him that's insisting on it, not the child.

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2? That's one of the two reasons I put up with sleeping in the spare bedroom for so many months. The second one is that I believed this was something DSD needed.

No chance. I would not accept this. I wouldn't even accept this if it was SD getting herself up and trying to get into our bed nightly. At some point, there has to be some boundaries when they are not your children. I don't want other people's children in bed with me, I think it's inappropriate.

I genuinely think he mentally stopped at some point when DSD was toddler and he refuses to accept the fact she is getting older and, frankly, his life had changed.

I think this is quite common. Because they are not with them every day and they often aren't around other children of that age, non-resident parents can infantilise their children and not realise how much they have grown up since they lived with them full-time. However, your DP has her 50% so I'd expect less of this from him.

It sounds like he's desperate to keep her 'little' and as dependent on him as possible. His identity is too dependent on being the father of a little girl. He's doing her wrong here.