DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

Christ. Two things that are entirely separate IMO.

1. His entitlement around sharing a bed with his daughter, even though that overrides how she feels about it.
2. Your relationship

First point. What he’s doing is wrong on so many levels, it’s unhealthy and bordering into abusive. He clearly has no idea re healthy/ appropriate boundaries. He also has very unhealthy views around what a secure attachment looks like (to be clear secure parenting does not involve forcing a child to sleep with you).
In terms of where this leaves him personally? It leaves him exposed and more importantly he is sending his daughter the message that she doesn’t have a say on who is in her personal space. That falls under ‘grooming’ territory. He is telling his daughter that his needs and wants as an adult male, supercede her needs and wants. That’s how you lay the foundations for sexual abuse. And that is exactly how any safeguarding professional will view it. This is so beyond inappropriate - it’s making my stomach turn.

Your relationship - I would step back, take a look at what is happening here and ask myself if I wanted to be in a relationship with a grown adult that had this level of dysfunctional attachment styles. He’s manipulating his daughter and he’s manipulating you - both so his needs get met.

There is no space in here for his daughters needs or yours. In your shoes I think I would feel sick at the prospect that he moves from sleeping with his daughter (whom he’s forcing himself on) to sleeping with you.

. Report this man. This girl needs to be able to learn that saying ‘no’ to someone means no. And that if the no isn’t listened to, there are repercussions. Every human being has a fundamental right to say no when it comes to things like this. That ‘no’ should be heard and respected.

He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her

No parent should be this obsessed with their child. It's just bizarre. No one would accept this in an intact family, so don't excuse him because he's not with her 100% of the time. It's a ridiculously unhealthy and abnormal attitude.

This isn’t normal. I’m not necessarily saying that he’s harbouring any sexual feelings towards his daughter, because it may not be that. However, 1, his daughter has already said that she would like to sleep in the spare room, and he’s against it. This smacks of a controlling, possessive parent who “doesn’t want his little girl to grow up”. 2, He’s pushing you out! Are you happy with this sort of dynamic in your relationship? Too many red flags. I’d end it.

You really should run for the hills but before you do, ask him how long is he planning to demand his daughter shares his bed. Until she's 10? 15? 20?
And that it is deeply disturbing that he is forcing his daughter to share his bed.

If this is real then that poor child. I feel so sorry for her

And bin him immediately

Or phone the school and ask for the safeguarding lead (usually the principal)

Agree this is SO inappropriate and does not sit right at ALL.
I see that she has grown up like my nephew who also never slept alone his bed was in his parents room or he was in his parents bed, he's 5 now and refuses to go to bed alone. It's a nightmare. But this little girl has clearly asked to sleep on her own and isn't being listened too. I think you MUST have a talk with him to let him know how inappropriate it is. I have a 12yr old DS who occaisionally sleeps in my bed when he is unwell/bad nightmare but even this is so few and far between. I think a child psychologist/counsellor could help here as who know's what impact this could have on the little girl later on in life. If she raises this at school with any of her teachers, friends/parents then perhaps CPS could be notifed. Even if nothing untoward is going on this sounds all kinds of wrong. Is this really a relationship you enjoy being in?

Is this not a thing that children always come first and as a step parent you are just expected to be always no2?

1. No child should be taught that they are always number one in the family, it is deeply unhealthy and does them no favours whatsoever.
2. You need to really hear what people are saying - his daughter doesn't come first. He does.

What the fuck have I just read???

A child's needs come before an adults, wants do not and they should be balanced, what kind of children would we raise if they never have to compromise.

I don't think children should be in bed with unrelated adults, it's not necessary.

I could completely understand him going to her room and staying till she is settled, or taking her back to her room and resettling her in the night. I can't get my head around what he's doing.

His arrangements are creepy and overbearing at best.

My ex was a bit like this, sharing his bed with my DS until he was about 11/12. The biggest problem I felt it created was that DS couldn’t go to sleep on his own. Which in turn made him more likely to “go in with Dad”.

He’s now and it’s sorted thank goodness.

Its sad that his daughter refers to the other room as the spare room. The norm should be that it is her room and she refers to it as so. Stop overs with a parent at 8 should be entirely child led, usually due to illness or upset. The norm is that they have and want to have their own room.

This is all moot of course, because she doesnt want to share. But it's even more creepy that she doesnt even have her own room.

That poor child. Imagine her growing older with the memories of being forced to sleep in a bed with her fucking pathetic creep of a father. If she goes on a sleepover can you imagine her telling other parents, or saying it in class if talking about family/homes. I think you need to report this to the school as a safeguarding issue and get the fuck away from this creep. I'd also tell her mother that she is being forced to share a bed with her father, despite wanting her own bed.

OP your explanation of why you put up with this behavior sounds like justifications for what you know and recognize as unhealthy. The behavior need not be sexual to be unhealthy.

Why tolerate something that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy? A relationship should not make you uncomfortable or unhappy. When those feelings are recurrent that is a pretty blatant indicator that this is not a good relationship for you.

Why hang around to fix a broken man when the world has so many b healthy men? If you were in a prior abusive relationship, perhaps you no longer believe that you are entitled to happiness and comfort.

It seems that your efforts would be better spent on fixing yourself rather than understanding or fixing him.

@lunar1 they are related, he’s her dad?

@Abouttimemum

It’s really fucking weird. But then I find it weird that any adult sleeps in the same bed as a reasonably grown child.

Nothing weird about kids sleeping in their parents beds. Mine have both done it, even over the age of 5, depending on circumstances. e.g nightmares or illness. It should always be initiated by the child and in this case, the father is insisting on it. This is unhealthy and creepy

I went away recently with my 8 year old son and he was really excited to 'sleep in the same bed with mummy.' He's a wriggly little monster so i was trying to suggest twin beds but he was insistent about a double.
(thankfully they gave us a massive superking so his wriggling wasn't so bad)

I questioned myself whether it was appropriate now he is getting older and decided it was fine as it was what he really wanted.

No way would I have done this if he hadnt asked me to, it would have been twin beds. Never mind insisting on a double bed if he'd repeatedly said he didn't want to

That is seriously weird op. Making you sleep in the spare room isn't the issue - insisting his daughter sleep in his bed when she doesn't want to definitely is

LTB

Even aside from his weird it is, at the very least he should accept you are not staying over if you're expected to sleep in the spare room.

"He said he isn't going to sleep with her when she gets older but couldn't specify what age he meant."

There are many ways to interpret this. One could be that at some point she will reach an age at which he will no longer find her so physically enticing....

Do not try and fix this man. Get out, do not have children with Him and if at all possible raise your concerns with someone who will look our for the DSD.

@JanglyBeads, I worded it badly. I was meaning I don't think children should be sleeping in a bed with a step parent. I know this isn't the case here.

I think he should settle his Dd in her own room, not kick the op out to a spare!

It's all very odd and dysfunctional, it's scary what we go along with when in the midst of a situation that you would tell a friend to run a mile from.

He is using his daughter to meet his emotional needs. It's quite common (but wrong!) after a marriage break-up. As he is now in a relationship with you he shouldn't need to do that. For that reason alone, I'd be out of there like a shot. He is displaying low emotional intelligence and you deserve so much better. The fact that he disregards your feelings on this AND those of his daughters are very worrying. He has you both under his control and he likes it. Leave.

That is creepy as fuck. Someone needs to be told about this. Could you phone nspcc for advice?

This makes me really uncomfortable. I'm not sure what NSPCC or social services would do but I'm not sure how else I'd deal with it, before leaving him and never coming back.

Do you have your own children, OP? Had you thought they would be living with you both? He doesn't seem to realise his behaviour is so unusual - does he ever see people with their own children up close?