DP insists on sleeping with DSD

[Lena007]

It doesn't sit right with me.

Have been together with DP 1.5 years. He has one 8 years old DD. We live separately but there are talks about us renting together in the nearest future.

DSD is with her dad 50% of time, just various days/ times/ nights. All fine.

She is a lovely girl, we all spend some time together but most of the time she spends with DP on their own. I spend some time with her too, just the two of us to slowly build a nice relationship.

Whenever I am at DP's and stay overnight when DSD is there I am expected to sleep in the spare bedroom so they can share the bed in the master bedroom. DP calls it 'their room' ie his and DSD's. It has been going on for over 6 months.

Initially I thought, ok, she needs to adjust and settle in the new place and accept the fact her dad is in a new relationship (first relationship after he split with her mum), but that's not that. She says one day she would love to go on holiday with me and DP but of course she is having one room with dad and I can sleep in another hotel room. DP just changed subject because he had seen shock on my face.
On the same day she says to DP that she wants to sleep in the spare bedroom on her own, to which DP replied ' No. I'm never going to leave you like that ' and he insists he sleeps with her whenever she is at his. I have heard her saying it at least 3 times. They stay up late watching tv/ netflix cuddled up on the sofa then they both go to bed together. I'm sat on the second sofa and then go to bed there on my own.

I've raised it with him and he says it is him who wants to sleep with DSD, not her. He says he loves her so much and misses her, that he loves failing asleep and waking up next to her and he isn't going to do anything about it because it is just a way it is and he wants to sleep with her. Then I've said it doesn't make any sense for me to stay overnight at his when she is here, I would rather be at my own place if I've to sleep on my own anyway. He says that he doesn't want to spend less time together and he wants me to be a part on their lives and be here when DSD is here too, and that he would expect me to behave like an adult, not to be jelaous and just understand and accept it because he would. I have told him I thought it was only a temp solution and in standard relationships adults sleep together instead one adult being delegated to the spare bedroom when children are here. He said that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship and will never be because he doesn't get to see his DD every day.
I would understand it if she needed to sleep with him, but no, it is him insisting on it.

He says if we rent together this will change and he will be going to sleep in DSD bedroom sometimes and I won't have to sleep in the spare room. But it still just doesn't feel right.

Aibu?

Sorry I saw you answered that already!

OP your DP's relationship with his ex is not ok if she resorts to name calling if he doesn't do what she wants. They are no longer a couple so why is he jumping to her requests?

He really needs to detach from her by getting his name off the property, giving the key back to her and tell her to sort out fixing stuff herself every single time she messages her if he really plans on moving on with you.

His ex needs to realise that they are no longer together as a couple at all so she must stop relying on him, and they both need to realise this is a separate issue to parenting their child.

Unfortunately if she is the type to kick off then if he puts these boundaries in place and/or she finds out his relationship with you is very serious she will really kick off and you may be a target.

He doesn't do what she wants. He would go there and fix something if it impacted DSD, an example being a heating which broke last winter.

Ex wanted to buy him out but couldn't afford it as she only works part time and I don't think she wants to change it. He isn't going to force the sale of the house because ex won't get a mortgage to be able to buy something on her own, she can't afford to rent on her own either and he is worried where DSD is going to be living when with her mum. Ex told DP that DSD and her are going to end up being homeless and it's entirely his fault because he isn't there.

It is going have to to come to the point when this is sorted, we don't want to rent forever either (assuming our relationship works out).

He is being totally played by his ex.

Providing she is working enough hours which I think is 16 she will be entitled to housing benefit to help with her rent. If she needs more money then she is going to have to work more!! Their DD is 8. She would also get financial help with childcare costs. It seems like she thought she was made with only having to work time etc and your DP threw a spanner in her plan by ending the relationship.

Your DP needs to grow a backbone! All this emotional blackmail because he ended the relationship is ridiculous.

I agree with RandomMess and can tell you from personal experience he's totally being played.

His ex is an adult and is quite capable of sorting things out for herself. If your DP dropped dead tomorrow she would step up and manage to her life.

The more you say about your partner and his ex, the worse it gets !

Is he still married to her ? ( assuming they were ever married )

They still own a house together, he has a key and calls round there all the time. They are playing power Games with each other over their joint child.

There seems to be no plans for any of this to change. It’s been 2.5 years and he’s been with you 1.5 years.

He could change some of this but he doesn’t want to. He likes it this way. He likes being her knight in shining armour. He likes the drama. They are still very involved with each other.

I assume he will never be able to afford to buy somewhere with you as he’s paying another mortgage. He might not even pass the affordability tests for some landlords.

How is there any future for you in this OP? Do you want children of your own? Being a step mum is an utterly thankless tasks, even in a normal emotionally healthy relationship. It’s going to be a minefield here.

Is this really what you want?

I was trying not to get involved in the mortgage stuff. They have never been married. DP doesn't want ex to brainwash DSD and tell her that daddy wants to sell the house because you aren't important to him, he couldn't care less and that kind of lies. Even worse if I was to be mentioned as the reason. To some extend I understand that from this point of view. But he can't put his life (and mine) on hold because ex decided she wants to work part time for the rest of her life and expects DP to help her out forever.

She was dating someone for 6 months and we were hoping he would want to move in, meaning they would be able to buy DP out, or they would want to live together somewhere else and sell the house, but the guy has disappeared.

I don't plan to have children with DP. I also don't want to rent for longer period of time, I would rather pay my own mortgage, so would DP. Renting is on the cards to see how it is going to be like to live together before deciding if buying a house together is something we both want. We have spoken about it and there is a contingency plan for us to be able to buy in the future, even if ex still lives in their property.

It is ex who pays mortgage now, DP pays his own rent which it twice as much. He also doesn't go there unless he has to, it's not a case of him just turning up when he feels like it. Once every few months maybe if she specifically asks.

He could change some of this but he doesn’t want to. He likes it this way. He likes being her knight in shining armour. He likes the drama.

I wish I could see it all clearly but I don't. I never thought of DP in these terms. Never got an impression he likes drama.

I'm a little bit lost in all this. You all see much more than I do.

Your DP could buy his Ex out and DD would still live in her home 50% of the time...

What a horrible thing to experience OP I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the situation!

Me and my dad used to sleep in the same bed (I was probably about 10 when it stopped). Genuinely because of space issues at first in his home (spare bedroom was inhabitable and then it kind of just fell that way). One weekend he sorted the crap out in the room and did the spare bedroom up and told me I would be sleeping in there from now on. I asked him why and he said because it is wrong. I didn’t understand it at the time of course as a kid you don’t ever think anything is strange. Looking back I do. It was unacceptable on his part especially due to my age. I can only assume someone must have pulled him up on it I don’t know.

However, nothing untoward ever went on and I had a great relationship with him. No history of sexual abuse or anything else that even pointed that way.

Your DPs attitude towards it was a bit alarming, but it doesn’t necessarily mean there was inappropriate intentions but with a child you don’t take chances. You have done the right thing.

@Lena007

Not sure if her mum knows but she sleeps with her mum too. DP said DSD used to have a bed in their bedroom when they have still been together and she would sleep there or with them in the bed.

How do I speak to him to get him to understand how mad this is?

You don't speak to him. You break up with him.