Children being treated differently

harryclr · 2021-08-20T19:22:56+00:00

People always go on about children being treated the same. It was my SDs 6th Birthday today and her Great Grandad gave her a card and £50. For my sons 1st Birthday (also his great grand child) he forgot, didnt get a card and when he was reminded he gave £15... Grandad (my partners dad) apparently gives £25 on 1st Birthdays and £15 for each one after that...I am waiting to see what SD gets this year. I cant remember what was done on her last bday but she always gets endless presents. Im trying not be upset about it but its blatant and just more proof that my son is treated as the '2nd' which is something that really upsets me being with someone who already has a child. Do people think this is fair or unfair?

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Set a reminder

FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 20:26

Ugh I could have written that! You either try not to let it bother you or get your DH to challenge the favouritism. My dc are the second class citizens even though they are biological grandchildren. It’s shit and hurtful but I just don’t acknowledge them or expose my dc to their bullshit anymore than I have to. We have contact maybe 1-3 times per year now. Their loss

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2021 20:28

I know it is awful. I think DGP probably feel DSD is missing out coming from a separated home.
It isn't fair though the DC should be treated by DGP equally.

54321nought · 20/08/2021 20:30

I'm sorry, what does a one year old want £50 for?

They don't even know

He forgot! and he didn't have £50!

This is why I make it a strict policy never ever ever to acknowledge the birthdays of ANY relative's children.

Because if you don't give exactly the same to each, on exactly the same number of days before or after the exact date of birth, you get people moaning like this.

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 20:32

I could see why she might get more at those ages but its the having to be reminded that would get to me.

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 20:33

Or yes, maybe overcompensating for the divorce

Original poster

harryclr · 20/08/2021 20:45

@54321nought

I'm sorry, what does a one year old want £50 for?

They don't even know

He forgot! and he didn't have £50!

This is why I make it a strict policy never ever ever to acknowledge the birthdays of ANY relative's children.

Because if you don't give exactly the same to each, on exactly the same number of days before or after the exact date of birth, you get people moaning like this.

All children have a bank account, any money given by relatives goes into accounts which they cant get until they are 18. Its not to buy something with. Why should the age make any difference? I guarantee he wont get the same at his 6th.

Also for others, my DP was only with BM for 2yrs, no marriage so no divorce. She also wasnt close to DPs family at all.

OP posts:

FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 20:51

@harryclr to me it shouldn’t make any difference if relationships have broken down, people have got divorced or even if parents have died. None of that should influence how children are treated. Of course there may be closer relationships that develop if GPS spend more time with some GC and not others but when it comes to attention, gifts and love surely the GPS should treat all children equally

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 20:54

Of course it’s completely unfair. And totally unjustifiable. Very hurtful for you and the DC will start to notice as they get older and it’s bad for all of them, including the golden grandchild.

Blankscreen · 20/08/2021 20:56

Dh mother used to do this. DSS used to get £150 D's would get a shit £10 present. Dh called her our on it

We no longer see her?

Original poster

harryclr · 20/08/2021 20:57

I feel as though i cant even say anything to my partner because he'll just think im moaning about what his daughter got rather than the fact his 2 children are being treated differently

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AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 21:02

Of course you should be able to talk to him! Why isn’t he annoyed his kids are being treated so differently?

FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 21:03

@harryclr nope you need to tell him! It’s not about the money it’s the lack of interest and attention. My DH used to brush it off and make excuses but I pointed it out every.Damn. Time. Now he can see that his parents are fucking arseholes and understands why they aren’t welcome in my house or my children’s life. He can see them as often as he likes that’s his choice but I have nothing do to with them unless we are specifically invited

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 21:05

Bloody good for you Florence.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/08/2021 21:07

It is shitty and has been the same for our Ds. I don't know what the answer is. I think dps parents think that they have to fill in some kind of hole left by dss parents being split up. It does grate.

54321nought · 20/08/2021 21:12

All children have a bank account, any money given by relatives goes into accounts which they cant get until they are 18

so it makes absolutely zero difference to the children at this stage at all then.

And they will end up with totally different amounts anyway, as some relatives will die, or lose touch, or their circumstances will change.

So this is pointless and meaningless anyway.

The only person who even knows is you.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2021 21:15

The age difference does make a difference when it comes to gifts.
Ask DP to speak to them if it is hurtful, personally I wouldn't comparison is the thief of joy.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2021 21:20

it’s bad for all of them, including the golden grandchild. That is horrible the poor child it isn't her fault, most of the time e tra gifts in this way are given out of guilt over compensating. It is shit for SDC, impossible to treat them the same when the circumstances are not the same.

GlitterCupcakes · 20/08/2021 21:22

Your partner needs to speak to their father and tell them in future your SD is to be given the same amount as your DC. I feel like what your DP’s father did is unfair to your DC and while they’re only young now, if DP doesn’t address it now, your DC will start to notice when they’re a little bit older.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 21:26

I’m not having a go at the older child! Golden child and scapegoat are commonly used expressions in dysfunctional family dynamics and it’s well known that the damage of such unequal treatment between children is to all of them, not just the ones being treated worse.

3cats4poniesandababy · 20/08/2021 21:30

Defiantly speak up.

May not matter now but trust me in the years to come they will notice the difference.

Yes amounts may be different in total, because people die, they are half siblings so have different relatives, but what is important is great grandad gave them the same each year once they were both born.

I would tackle this now rather than letting it go for years and having one Christmas where one if the children realises they have only had a fraction of what the other got given.

Aimee1987 · 20/08/2021 22:31

I would tackle this now rather than letting it go for years and having one Christmas where one if the children realises they have only had a fraction of what the other got given

This is my fear in my house except in my case it's the kids dad who sees nothing wrong with treating them differently.
Last Christmas we agreed a budget of £100 per child. Everything I suggested for DS was vettoed for various reasons by DP. In the end £300 was spent on DSS as he got everything on his Christmas list and £20 was spent on DS, this was his birthday and Christmas present as his birthday is Christmas week. Next Christmas has already come up and hes stayed well 100 isnt enough for DSS.
I also suggested something other December mums do which is do presents on the half birthday for, he said that idea was stupid. I got pissed off at the blatant inequality and got my son his birthday present in summer. It hurts that he never even thinks what DS might want only about DSS. It looks like going forward I'll buy for DS and he'll buy for DSS but that hurts and makes me feel like were not a family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 22:39

You know what utter bullshit this is Aimee1987, why are you putting up with seeing your child treated like a second class citizen? How do you explain and justify or excuse that to your child?

Original poster

harryclr · 20/08/2021 22:47

@Aimee1987

I would tackle this now rather than letting it go for years and having one Christmas where one if the children realises they have only had a fraction of what the other got given

This is my fear in my house except in my case it's the kids dad who sees nothing wrong with treating them differently.
Last Christmas we agreed a budget of £100 per child. Everything I suggested for DS was vettoed for various reasons by DP. In the end £300 was spent on DSS as he got everything on his Christmas list and £20 was spent on DS, this was his birthday and Christmas present as his birthday is Christmas week. Next Christmas has already come up and hes stayed well 100 isnt enough for DSS.
I also suggested something other December mums do which is do presents on the half birthday for, he said that idea was stupid. I got pissed off at the blatant inequality and got my son his birthday present in summer. It hurts that he never even thinks what DS might want only about DSS. It looks like going forward I'll buy for DS and he'll buy for DSS but that hurts and makes me feel like were not a family.

My goodness, that is horrific. Thats a ridiculous difference!

I often feel like its me and my son (also my partners) and him and his daughter. When out and about and with buying things. He's just spent over £200 on her birthday when he moans as soon as i mention something DS needs...and we only spent about £60 between us on his 1st birthday.

OP posts:

Lorw · 20/08/2021 22:50

Always seems to me on these threads that ‘second’ children are always seen and treat as second class citizens which is really sad

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 22:57

@Lorw

Always seems to me on these threads that ‘second’ children are always seen and treat as second class citizens which is really sad

Apparently having their parents still together means that’s okay