Children being treated differently

[harryclr]

People always go on about children being treated the same.

It was my SDs 6th Birthday today and her Great Grandad gave her a card and £50. For my sons 1st Birthday (also his great grand child) he forgot, didnt get a card and when he was reminded he gave £15...

Grandad (my partners dad) apparently gives £25 on 1st Birthdays and £15 for each one after that...I am waiting to see what SD gets this year. I cant remember what was done on her last bday but she always gets endless presents.

Im trying not be upset about it but its blatant and just more proof that my son is treated as the '2nd' which is something that really upsets me being with someone who already has a child.

Do people think this is fair or unfair?

so it makes absolutely zero difference to the children at this stage at all then.

Of course the one year old won’t know.

But why not give the £50 and put in to savings or him spend it on something practical like some clothes or some nice new shoes? Just because a 1 year old doesn’t know, doesn’t give the excuse to not treat them them equally.

My dad used to buy practical things for my children when they were that age. There’s no excuse to leave them out at that age.

Generally gifts are items, experiences, or funds that the giver wants to give to the recipient. The only people who have an obligation to treat your children equitably are the parents. Anyone else, relatives included are doing something optional.

I think most grandparents do what the think appropriate and what their funds and resources permit at any given time. I think that it takes a sense of entitlement to think that what someone does for one child creates an entitlement to do that for all of your children.

Perhaps if you are offended by the grandparents gift giving practices and policies would be to say that you would prefer that they simply express the love and good wishes but do not give gifts to any of your children. That way in your household hold you know with absolute certainty that all of the children while in your home or presence will not be the recipient of gifts from your in-laws. The children's mother may not share you beliefs about gift giving and the grandparents may then simply provide their gifts to the kids via their mom.
I try to teach my children that any gifts that they receive are to be graciously accepted as no one other than their father and I are obligated to do or give them anything..

I do not think that there is anything wrong with spending or giving less money to a younger child than you would spend or give to an older child.
Sometimes , it is better to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than to assume some nefarious or unkind internet.

My daughter got a car for her birthday. Her younger sibling got something that he wanted , but it cost significantly less than the car. I love both of those children very much and the difference in the cost of the gifts did not speak to any differences in my love or regard for them.

Again, the obvious solution is to ask the in-laws not to give any of the children gifts anymore. You will then have the equality in gift giving that you seek.

I wouldn't say anything tbh. At least not until your DS is older.

It sucks. My own parents haven't shown any favoritism but that's mostly because they've equally ignored all the grandkids' birthdays so far.

That said there's nothing much you can do or say because being a dick isn't illegal and your in-laws have the right to spend their money however they wish, on whoever they choose.

Different ages have different needs, sure, but if you're giving money there's no reason for the different amounts. Giving money is not at all the same as giving an object. An object addresses a specific need (which varies by age) and the value is not only monetary but also in the thoughtfulness of the gesture. There are no such nuances when giving money and the amounts should be the same for all biological grandkids.

@harryclr

I feel as though i cant even say anything to my partner because he'll just think im moaning about what his daughter got rather than the fact his 2 children are being treated differently

I'd raise it now, like you say its about his children being treated differently.

I can see this from both sids. me and DH treat the kids the same to an extent, however myself and my family do spend more on my kids than his, simply because my DC only have me and my family and my DSD have 2 parents and 2 sets of grandparents to buy them things ad we found t was making my kids fee like shit when DSC were getting tonnes and they got less (far less BTW).

I love both of those children very much and the difference in the cost of the gifts did not speak to any differences in my love or regard for them. that's what you think. You don't know how they are receiving your gift though.

A car is different as its a key milestone purchase so presumably when your youngest needs one they will get one. But if you gave £200 to your daughter and £50 to your son and they are old enough to talk to each other then I assure you they will not feel that it doesn't speak of any differences in your love for them.

But why not give the £50 and put in to savings or him spend it on something practical like some clothes or some nice new shoes?
Maybe because that's not his conception of birthday presents and I don't blame him. Maybe the 6 yo discussed something she specifically wanted and the money was given to go towards it. That would make sense. Maybe he sees that the 1yo already has all the toys they can enjoy, so doesn't see that adding another one would benefit tem in any way.

I find the whole comparison quite greedy. My parents gave different amount of money to my kids at different times, depending on their needs at that time. It would never have cross my mind to keep tab of how much was given to whom. Even my kids don't count, and they are much closer in age.

It was my SDs 6th Birthday today and her Great Grandad gave her a card and £50. For my sons 1st Birthday (also his great grand child) he forgot, didnt get a card and when he was reminded he gave £15...

Come on, how old is GG? It's just forgetfulness, surely? Blame it on a senior moment, don't take this personally.

My parents gave different amount of money to my kids at different times, depending on their needs at that time. It would never have cross my mind to keep tab of how much was given to whom.
Mine too it is very grabby to keep tabs.
A gift is a gift it shouldn't be expected.
As a couple there will be times DSC isn't there when you treat your DC it'll balance out.

Maybe he gave more as the child at home with both their parents will get far more of the fathers salary spent on them than the child that doesn’t as the other parent picks up the bulk of costs usually.
Maybe they over compensate because of the dynamic?

Yes they should be treated equally but it’s very rare that the non resident dc get the same as resident dc so it likely evens out.

Maybe he just forgot what he gave the 1st one, I know I probably would! Personally I would never tell someone off for forgetting my child’s birthday, sending a card etc. I do think it’s extremely rude but I take it as a sign of their character.

Do you never do any days out without including her? Or think of going on holiday without your SD etc? Never buy the baby a new toy but not her?

I don’t think you can pull another adult up on different treatment unless ensuring they both get identical from yourselves.

@CabbagesGreen
I think as long as my children are comfortable that they are loved and that all of their needs and many of their wants are met , they are not sitting around comparing who got what as birthday present. I think that essentially they function from a life for them ranges from ok to good.

They are not reared to expect any one to give them gifts and are taught to be gracious and appreciative of extra expressions of generosity or kindness that are made to or for them.

I cannot even think how one forms a mentality to say or think that what someone other than myself is obligated to do for not just one but for all of my children. That goes far beyond a sense of arrogance and entitlement.

Don't think great grandad will be around for years and years! How old is Great grandad.

And heaven forbid a great grandad forgets one of his great grandkids.

Grandad seems to have done as is his usual practice.

Babies do not need loads spent on them for their first birthday - seriously to compar that to his other child who will want more techy stuff is madness.

they are not sitting around comparing who got what as birthday present are their birthdays far apart? If it was Christmas day would you still feel comfortable? My sister and I definitely used to compare, not in a who got better way but in a ooh you got pink I got purple kind of way. We would have noticed if a grandparent had given one more than the other money wise.

It's a great grand parent not a grandparent, they might have memory problems legs ans genuinely forgotten and spared what they had at the time.

Why are you referring to the dm as bm she's just mother.

Do you never do any days out without including her? Or think of going on holiday without your SD etc? Never buy the baby a new toy but not her?

I don’t think you can pull another adult up on different treatment unless ensuring they both get identical from yourselves.

*Maybe he gave more as the child at home with both their parents will get far more of the fathers salary spent on them than the child that doesn’t as the other parent picks up the bulk of costs usually.
Maybe they over compensate because of the dynamic?

Yes they should be treated equally but it’s very rare that the non resident dc get the same as resident dc so it likely evens out.

Your posts seem quite gleeful and like it’s a big justice to hear that a resident child would get zero or a lot less from their grandparents for their birthday. That’s really sad. The grandparents have no place in trying to overcompensate for who their grandchildren’s parents are in a relationship with and who they aren’t.

And as for the op ensuring that she treats them both identically before telling other adults what to do, that’s just silly. If you’re not with your children’s mother/father anymore and you go on to have more children, you have to accept that those resident children will do more “stuff” with their shared parent. The dynamic is different and a resident child shouldn’t be punished just for living with both parents.
The non resident child is split between two households and will always be doing “stuff” with the whoever they are with. So if they miss a day out with their father, they will get a day out with mum and vice versa. Maybe not on the exact same day, but it will still happen. Using birthdays as a tool to try and “equal things off” is just mean and nasty. If I was a grandparent I certainly wouldn’t be doing that. But you seem to think it’s great.

When I was a stepparent, my parents treated my children and my exdsc the same on birthdays. And yet my ex’s parents treated exdsc to far more days out and seemed to do the overcompensating thing you mentioned above. Maybe I should have just told my parents not to bother with dsc’s birthday seeing as they got so many days out that my children didn’t get?

Maybe because that's not his conception of birthday presents and I don't blame him. Maybe the 6 yo discussed something she specifically wanted and the money was given to go towards it. That would make sense. Maybe he sees that the 1yo already has all the toys they can enjoy, so doesn't see that adding another one would benefit tem in any way.

I guess people are different. My dad didn’t think to discuss it with my toddler before her birthday and discussed it with me instead about what she might need as opposed to might want. As a result we went out and bought her some shoes and a few bits of clothes, and he also got her a few little books. Then he wrapped them up and we had a little family tea/party for her birthday with my older children. He’s done the same with all 4 of them. That makes sense to me but other people will probably find that pointless.

It's not uncommon for older kids to get more money. I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it. A gift is also a gift... not a debt or obligation.

As a kid my older sibling got more pocket money. I got more than younger siblings.

Fairness does not always mean equality. It was DSS 7th birthday recently and all in we prob spent about £200. DS is turning 2 next month and I think we'll spend around £100. This will probably be more presents than DSS but cost far less. It was similar when I was growing up - my brother 7years older got more money spent/given but it is true gifts for older kids or clothes do just cost more.

I feel like you have a bigger issue relating to DPs family and its not just about the gifts disparity. Maybe when your child is 6 and only gets a tenner you have more of a position to complain but at the minute it is like comparing two very different things.

Oh honestly I spent a year getting angry over how differently my DD was treated and it was blatantly obvious, to constant stuff on Facebook too, endless pics of SC and I looked back and realised they'd never posted a picture of my DD it was like she didn't exist.

To me it’s the effort. It doesn’t have to be bang on the same amount for each child.
I think begrudgingly handing over £15 for your grandchild with no thought for their birthday at all when you willingly spent £50 on the other one and went to the effort to acknowledge that birthday is poor form. For people to then justify that by saying oh well their parents are still together and they get to go to the farm a few extra times a year so it’s ok is just grim.

I also wonder if it’s an age (of the child) thing rather than favouritism. But really sad to forget completely. How old is GGF?

Ideally, GPs would give everyone the same (smaller) amount.

It’s a much bigger issue when it’s a parent being unfair, as in the example @Aimee1987 shared.

I don’t recognise the descriptions in some other posts of children of divorce deserving bigger gifts though. Most of them have two parents and two sides of family. Unless someone died, or both parents are broke, why would a child need more stuff from GPs because their parents aren’t together compared to other GCs?