Children being treated differently

[harryclr]

People always go on about children being treated the same.

It was my SDs 6th Birthday today and her Great Grandad gave her a card and £50. For my sons 1st Birthday (also his great grand child) he forgot, didnt get a card and when he was reminded he gave £15...

Grandad (my partners dad) apparently gives £25 on 1st Birthdays and £15 for each one after that...I am waiting to see what SD gets this year. I cant remember what was done on her last bday but she always gets endless presents.

Im trying not be upset about it but its blatant and just more proof that my son is treated as the '2nd' which is something that really upsets me being with someone who already has a child.

Do people think this is fair or unfair?

My ML does this! My DSC all over 12 will get £50 as well as lots of snacks and treats all taken to their Mums house the night before their birthdays, however my DC (2&3) will get £20 in a card whenever we next see her. I'm pretty sure she forgot our youngests birthday this year too as she disappeared with a pen into the kitchen!

I take no notice anymore tbh, my children are too young to care, I just grab them something with the money or put it in their savings.

@Mothership6
If you average the amount given based upon their actual ages, your children receive far more than the older children. In anyone were to be complaining of favouritism, it would be the older children .

You are a wise woman to give so little thought to such an inconsequential matter.
It must be nice to live in a world where you have time to waste caring about the dollar value of gifts given to your children.

Eh?

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Mothership6
If you average the amount given based upon their actual ages, your children receive far more than the older children. In anyone were to be complaining of favouritism, it would be the older children .

You are a wise woman to give so little thought to such an inconsequential matter.
It must be nice to live in a world where you have time to waste caring about the dollar value of gifts given to your children.[/quote]
How does that work? I'm missing the maths sorry?

It must be nice to live in a world where you have time to waste caring about the dollar value of gifts given to your children it's not the value it's the disparity in the value.

@LavenderPink
The 12 year old is being given an average of 4.2 pounds for each Age year, while the 2 year old is being given an average of 10 for each age year.

@Tiredoftattler
I seee! So you think really the oldest should get more as they've been alive longer?

@vivainsomnia

But why not give the £50 and put in to savings or him spend it on something practical like some clothes or some nice new shoes? Maybe because that's not his conception of birthday presents and I don't blame him. Maybe the 6 yo discussed something she specifically wanted and the money was given to go towards it. That would make sense. Maybe he sees that the 1yo already has all the toys they can enjoy, so doesn't see that adding another one would benefit tem in any way.

I find the whole comparison quite greedy. My parents gave different amount of money to my kids at different times, depending on their needs at that time. It would never have cross my mind to keep tab of how much was given to whom. Even my kids don't count, and they are much closer in age.

He hardly sees either children. He hasn't seen SD for about 2yrs i dont think! Due to Covid etc. He saw our son about a year ago perhaps. GG sees my partners mum, so the kids Nanny regularly so she is the one that reminds him etc. I guess thats why i find it weird, he hardly sees either of them so why treat them differently?

@dorris88

Oh honestly I spent a year getting angry over how differently my DD was treated and it was blatantly obvious, to constant stuff on Facebook too, endless pics of SC and I looked back and realised they'd never posted a picture of my DD it was like she didn't exist.

Thats horrible

@lavenderPink
Personally, I think they should receive and graciously accept whatever an elderly grandfather chooses to give them as he has no obligation to give them anything.

How do you possibly determine that an amount is too little from a person who has no obligation to give you anything?

We provide all of our children's needs and gifts when give are always just something extra. Neither we nor they have any expectations of others consequently there is no need or reason for comparison or feelings of disparity any amount is more than they are entitled to or should expect to receive.

If a child of mine were ever to compare gifts given to them , they would receive a stern reminder that no one has an obligation to give them anything. If they could not graciously accept whatever the gift, I would feel as though I had failed in my duty as a parent to teach them about civility and gratitude.

Who said anything about children comparing gifts or counting gifts? I certainly haven’t.

My point upthread wasn’t about children sitting there complaining. Although I think a child as they get older would have every right to question why their half sibling got something from granny this year and they didn’t…..

My point upthread was about the fact that grandparents could still acknowledge their 1 year old grandchild’s birthday and make the effort to make a fuss over them (like they probably did for their first grandchild).

In my experience paternal relatives never treat the second wife or the second kids the same as the 1st family. Maybe it's an old fashioned thing.

If a child of mine were ever to compare gifts given to them , they would receive a stern reminder that no one has an obligation to give them anything. If they could not graciously accept whatever the gift,

You can still be grateful but confused why you were given less than your sibling sat next to you by your shared grandparents

@Tiredoftattler
I still don't understand how the older children receive less?

[quote Mothership6]@Tiredoftattler
I still don't understand how the older children receive less?[/quote]
They think they should get a certain amount per year they've been alive I think. So a 2 year old getting 10 pounds gets £5 for every year they've been alive and a 5 year old getting 10 pounds only gets 2 pounds for each year they've been alive.

I mean I've never seen it done that way personally

That is completely unfair. It may be that your FIL feels sorry for your stepdaughter because she is missing out on living with her dad. But that’s not your child’s fault.

If a conversation can’t be had and/or FIL is unwilling to treat both grandchildren equally, I’d work on shielding them so that they don’t see the difference and have to deal with any ill feelings between the two of them (in the future, I doubt your baby cares right now!).

It’s neither child’s fault so it would be a shame for it to impact their relationship.

@LavenderPink
I see, thanks for clearing that up for me!

@Tiredoftattler
It still doesn't mean that the older children are getting less though. Say the 12 year old for example has got £50 every birthday for 12 years, that's equal to £600. Once my 2 year old becomes 12 they will have had £20 for 12 years, that's equal to £240.

We are not ungrateful for the £20 at all and my children are too young to notice, it is not something I feel that strongly about to bring up with MIL either. That being said the potential for jealously and feeling aggrieved due to unfairness in the future is there. Surely it makes more sense to keep the amount the same regardless of the children's ages, which parent they live with etc.

His reaction was exactly what i thought. Argumentative and defensive.

Who's reaction? Your partner or GDGF?
Whichever one did I don't blame them considering your OTT reaction.
Are you going to treat the DC the same? Never buy your bio DC anything when DSC isn't about.
If I was your partner I'd ask all outsiders to not buy anymore gifts for either DC.