DD not keen on DSS

[BornThisWay00]

I have a DD15 and my DP has a DS10. We've been together 18 months. Live separately.

We don't spend lots of time all together due to the kids ages and still ensuring we have quality time with our own DC. Only met each other's DC 7 about 8 months ago. Spending a bit more time all together lately.

My DD is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow. DSS is the opposite. He's quite rigid.

The more time we've all spent together I can see my DD is not particularly liking the company of DSS. We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour. I could see DD looking at him and getting a little irritated (she is mildly autistic so very black and white about things). On the way home she said she found DSS very annoying and didn't understand why he was so stroppy. I explained everyone is different and deal with things in a different way but she just rolled her eyes and said can she not come to the next outing.

I know my DD has come across as rude in this post but she really wasn't. As I said previously, she is on the spectrum so very blunt and matter of fact about things which I've got used to over time.

Now DP has text this morning and suggested that we do something all together the weekend after next. I've just run it past DD and she's said NO way, she's not going out with DSS for the foreseeable.

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one? Not sure what to do going forward.

I cannot imagine anything more annoying as a teenage girl, than a 10 year old boy, so I feel for her tbh. I have always found boys of that age very irritating. I would just be honest with your DP and suggest stepping back on doing things with the kids. He's an adult, he can take it.

I didn't see the behaviour being dealt with.

I'm not surprised your DD doesn't want to be around that OP, I'm sure you probably found it tiresome as well.

I would speak honestly to your DP about his DS behaviour and what his thoughts were in the moment. That will tell you whether he sees it as a problem, or no big deal, then you'll need to decide whether your happy to continue the relationship on that basis, because your DP is not going to change.

OP, if you see that you ‘didn’t notice the behaviour [of his ds] being dealt with: my question is this:

Does your dd have better boundaries than you?

It’s possible. Sometimes our kids point out stuff we should be paying attention to. They can be brilliant judges of character. Especially judging parental interactions which are a bit, well, poor. Because they aren’t in love with said parent. Alarm bells might be ringing here.

My dd is also ‘mildly autistic’ aged 16. She’s also very good at cutting through the crap sometimes!

I don’t blame your DD. Your partners kid sounds like he should be 3 not 10. My daughter is 10 and wouldn’t behave like that and would be fed up hanging around with a kid that did.

Don’t force her.

I think trying to force a 15 Yr old and 10 Yr old to spend time together is a recipe for disaster. That said, your daughter does need to appreciate that there may be times it's necessary eg yours/DPs birthday. So a compromise with her could be that on the whole she will be invited but has choice Except for certain occasions. And then just explain to DP that DD is 15, has little in common with a 10 year old so trying to force a relationship will be more harmful and cause resentment in the long run.

I think the DSS is getting a lot of unpleasant here, being described as bratty and the dad as useless. The things that are being described do sound to me indicative of separate issues - OP has your daughter’s autism ever caused her to behave in ways that others might react to?! My DS is on the spectrum, he can be quite rigid, likes to know exactly what order we are doing things in and will have a quite strong reaction to changes or situations he is uncomfortable with - he grimaces or makes a repetitive huffing noise. I don’t think your daughter should be made to spend time with you all together but equally I don’t think you should do as others have suggested and confront your DP about his son’s behaviour. I think there are few 15 year olds that would enjoy activities / outings with younger children, or indeed any family event at all sometimes!

Hes a 10 year old behaving like a 10 year old. Your dd needs to make some decisions. She can avoid your dp's son but then she doesnt get to co-opt you dp for outings. Her choice.