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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD not keen on DSS

108 replies

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:19

I have a DD15 and my DP has a DS10. We've been together 18 months. Live separately.

We don't spend lots of time all together due to the kids ages and still ensuring we have quality time with our own DC. Only met each other's DC 7 about 8 months ago. Spending a bit more time all together lately.

My DD is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow. DSS is the opposite. He's quite rigid.

The more time we've all spent together I can see my DD is not particularly liking the company of DSS. We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour. I could see DD looking at him and getting a little irritated (she is mildly autistic so very black and white about things). On the way home she said she found DSS very annoying and didn't understand why he was so stroppy. I explained everyone is different and deal with things in a different way but she just rolled her eyes and said can she not come to the next outing.

I know my DD has come across as rude in this post but she really wasn't. As I said previously, she is on the spectrum so very blunt and matter of fact about things which I've got used to over time.

Now DP has text this morning and suggested that we do something all together the weekend after next. I've just run it past DD and she's said NO way, she's not going out with DSS for the foreseeable.

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one? Not sure what to do going forward.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 02/08/2021 10:46

[quote BornThisWay00]@intothewoodss My DD is autistic, not DP's son.[/quote]
Actually though reading your post with the being rigid and covering ears I did wonder if perhaps he was autistic and/or has some sensory issues.

Either way I wouldn’t be forcing them to do things together, she is 15 if she doesn’t want to go on family days out she doesn’t have to

LemonRoses · 02/08/2021 10:51

I'll go against the grain slightly.

At fifteen, she should be able to join in and be tolerant and not be rude - we don't all get to choose everything we do all the time.

However, at ten the lad is perfectly old enough to behave himself and learn a few more mature social skills. He needs to be told not to sulk, not to cover his eyes and to be courteous. If that behaviour continues he will find himself very unpopular at secondary, it will increase family tensions and make it quite difficult to bring two families together, I imagine.

Your partner needs to address his son's behaviour and rudeness; the answer is not to exclude your daughter to appease him. Fine for her to not come swimming, not fine if she misses a theatre trip and meal because he is being an indulged toad.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:51

@titchy It's more the case that id essentially be saying that DD is happy to go out with me, with DP, with pretty much anyone she likes, but won't if DP's son is there!

OP posts:

LemonRoses · 02/08/2021 10:52

You need to be honest with your partner and his son, if a partnership it is.

Aimee1987 · 02/08/2021 10:54

@Cloverforever

Sounds like it's about time your boyfriend clocked on to the fact his son's behaviour needs dealing with.

This. I'm completely with your DD on this one. If your DP isnt dealing with his sons behaviour ( which it sounds like hes not from your posts) then his behaviour will continue to escalate as he becomes a teen. I would be brutally honest with DP and say that it's unfair to expose DD to his DSs behaviour and ask if he has any plans in place to adress the behaviour. It may end the relationship but I would not be even remotely consider blending famlies while this issue exists.

Palavah · 02/08/2021 10:56

@intothewoodss OP says her daughter is autistic, not her BF's son.

titchy · 02/08/2021 10:57

[quote BornThisWay00]@titchy It's more the case that id essentially be saying that DD is happy to go out with me, with DP, with pretty much anyone she likes, but won't if DP's son is there! [/quote]
And what's wrong with saying that?

Palavah · 02/08/2021 10:57

@BornThisWay00

DD always enjoys doing things with me and she likes it if DP comes along too so I'm worried that DP is going to clock on that the reason she isn't coming to these things anymore is because of his son.

@FelicityPike I didn't really pay lots of attention but I didn't see the behaviour being dealt with.

The first para isn't an issue - most 15 year old girls would not enjoy the company of a 10 year old boy.

The second is. That would concern me.

KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 10:58

I think most 15yo would roll their eyes at the behaviour of a 10yo boy tbh, I know my kids of varying ages did and they're siblings! It's quite an age gap.

If she doesn't want to spend time around him you're going to need a serious conversation with your boyfriend. It'll be uncomfortable but it needs addressing. As for him dealing with his sons behaviour - that's down to him and if he's not willing to parent properly there's nothing much you can do imo.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/08/2021 11:01

She’s a 15 year old girl, it’s not like it’s unusual that she wouldn’t want to go out with a stroppy 10 yo who’s negative behaviour affected everyone else’s day out.

Make up an excuse as to why you can’t all go out together that weekend if you have to, but if you have to do that rather than be honest with your bf, you should probably ask yourself why, and if that’s really ok.

Tiredoftattler · 02/08/2021 11:03

You had an event that the 2 kids involved for their separate reasons did not seem to enjoy. Neither should be forced to participate in these joint outings . Your daughter is old enough to decide that she does not wish to participate and at age 10 even the son's voice should be heard.

One of the benefits of living apart is that your relationship can largely involve just the 2 of you, and your children can have none or limited involvement.

NothingIsWrong · 02/08/2021 11:06

My 13yo DD is more than happy to spend time with me and her Dad (we are together) but her 8yo sister irritates her a LOT.

I wouldn't be too surprised that a 15yo doesn't want to spend time with a 10yo boy she barely knows

TeeBee · 02/08/2021 11:08

I don't think your DD appears rude, it seems like PITA behaviour and I wouldn't want to be around it either. She doesn't owe anyone a relationship with your boyfriend's son just to make things easier for everyone else. Just tell your boyfriend the truth. If its not going to work with the families you have, its not going to work. The kids aren't living together so its not necessary to have big family outings.

atleastitswarm · 02/08/2021 11:08

I'm worried that DP is going to clock on that the reason she isn't coming to these things anymore is because of his son.

Echoing PPs - I don’t see a problem with him clocking this. If he’s a man who you are willing to have around your DD, surely he is mature enough to understand that a 15 year old girl’s idea of fun certainly isn’t hanging around with a stroppy 10 year old. It’s what 15 year olds do - ask to be excused from family events to do their own thing

KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 11:10

@Tiredoftattler

One of the benefits of living apart is that your relationship can largely involve just the 2 of you, and your children can have none or limited involvement.

Absolutely agree with this.

gogohm · 02/08/2021 11:10

She's acting no differently to if it was a younger sibling. A five year age gap can be very annoying! My dd tends to opt out if given a chance of all trips out whereas dp's dd likes to join us ALL the time (to the point even her dad said to her can't we go out (him and me) as a couple (she even joins us for trips to the supermarket!) As young adults they are finding their place in the world. I stipulate dd joins us perhaps once a month for a meal out otherwise she's left at home

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 11:11

She doesn’t have to spend time with him. He sounds very irritating and immature. His dad sounds pretty useless and unwilling to deal with his behaviour.

Does this child have friends?

You need to be honest with your boyfriend. His son’s behaviour means your daughter doesn’t want to have joint outings. He needs to accept that. If he doesn’t you don’t have a future. And there’s nothing wrong with dating and not involving the kids.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 11:11

@Tiredoftattler It wasn't that DP's son didn't enjoy this particular event - this is his normal behaviour.

The joint events aren't regular by any means, just now and again. And DD now doesn't want to come to a single one.

OP posts:

Antwerpen · 02/08/2021 11:12

@BornThisWay00

@FelicityPike I didn't really pay lots of attention but I didn't see the behaviour being dealt with.

Why are you ‘worried’ OP your BF should be aware of how his sons behaviour affects those around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 11:12

And DD now doesn't want to come to a single one.

That’s absolutely fine. Why should she?

FunMcCool · 02/08/2021 11:15

Why do you have to take the kids out together. They don’t want to play happy families. See each other when the kids are a with their other parents or both separately for babysitters. Don’t force your daughter into this situation. The son probably wants attention from his dad also.

Cloverforever · 02/08/2021 11:16

Well, you need to not force your boyfriend's son on her then. Do some things with your boyfriend when it is just the 2 of you, or the 3 of you when you have your dd, but don't force your choice to have a boyfriend on your daughter.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/08/2021 11:18

If you respect her wishes and don’t force this on her, she will probably change her mind in her own time eventually and you will be able to do things all four of you.

But if you force her now, she will stop attending at all as soon as she can, which won’t be long, and you’ll have lost your chance of her spending time with your bfs son willingly forever.

LadyDanburysHat · 02/08/2021 11:18

You need to be honest with your DP that she doesn't want to spend time with his son. It's perfectly normal for a 15 yo to be irritated by a 10yo anyway.

I certainly wouldn't be telling her that she has to come.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 11:20

For those of you saying I'm 'forcing' this on her. I'm not. These events aren't frequent and DD has always been willing to come along. But she just can't tolerate DP's son anymore and that's a tricky conversation for me to have with DP as he doesn't seem to notice his sons behaviour.

OP posts:

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