Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DD not keen on DSS

108 replies

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:19

I have a DD15 and my DP has a DS10. We've been together 18 months. Live separately.

We don't spend lots of time all together due to the kids ages and still ensuring we have quality time with our own DC. Only met each other's DC 7 about 8 months ago. Spending a bit more time all together lately.

My DD is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow. DSS is the opposite. He's quite rigid.

The more time we've all spent together I can see my DD is not particularly liking the company of DSS. We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour. I could see DD looking at him and getting a little irritated (she is mildly autistic so very black and white about things). On the way home she said she found DSS very annoying and didn't understand why he was so stroppy. I explained everyone is different and deal with things in a different way but she just rolled her eyes and said can she not come to the next outing.

I know my DD has come across as rude in this post but she really wasn't. As I said previously, she is on the spectrum so very blunt and matter of fact about things which I've got used to over time.

Now DP has text this morning and suggested that we do something all together the weekend after next. I've just run it past DD and she's said NO way, she's not going out with DSS for the foreseeable.

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one? Not sure what to do going forward.

OP posts:

Athrawes · 02/08/2021 10:22

He's not your DSS. He's your boyfriend's son.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 10:22

At 15 in most families she would be increasingly opting out of "family outings" especially with annoying younger siblings.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:22

@Athrawes I knew someone would say that! I'm aware he isn't legally my DSS, I have only written that for ease.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 02/08/2021 10:23

Does she have to come? At 15 surely she can just do her own thing?

NailsNeedDoing · 02/08/2021 10:24

Your DD is 15, forcing her to spend time with people she doesn’t want to spend time with will do neither of you any favours in the long run. It will result in her pulling away as soon as she’s old enough. I’d respect her wishes if she doesn’t want to go, she’s too old to be treated like a young child that just has to put up with these things.

WildBurd · 02/08/2021 10:25

She's 15, I think she's past the age of having to attend things she doesn't want to.

You can't blame her for not wanting to hang out with a stroppy 10yo, that's a relatively large age gap.

StarryNight468 · 02/08/2021 10:25

I'd be really honest with your dp and see how he reacts. Your relationship won't go anywhere but misery if he's defensive over his dcs behaviour and this is a perfect test to see what he's like.

Anoisagusaris · 02/08/2021 10:25

At 15 I would have hated to be dragged on outings with my mother’s boyfriend and bratty son. Don’t make her go.

FelicityPike · 02/08/2021 10:25

She’s 15, of course she’s not wanting to spend time with a 10 year old who behaves like he’s 3!
How did your BF react with his son’s ignorant, childish behaviour?

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:28

DD always enjoys doing things with me and she likes it if DP comes along too so I'm worried that DP is going to clock on that the reason she isn't coming to these things anymore is because of his son.

@FelicityPike I didn't really pay lots of attention but I didn't see the behaviour being dealt with.

OP posts:

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 02/08/2021 10:30

That’s a massive gap in age and maturity at this particular point. If they were siblings they’d probably be doing most things separately barring family days out and holidays and some children opt out of that late teens. I don’t think I’d be pushing her on this just now, 15 is a tricky age.
Looking back, I’d have resented it if he is as immature as described. She hasn’t chosen this.

Could you decline the suggested outing and talk to her about not your not wanting to hurt feelings and what level and duration of contact she thinks she could hack? For example if it’s the occasional cinema and McDonalds then you are in a dark room not interacting for most of it so it’s a cheap win.

I’d be honest with your partner that the age gap isn’t working for DD and you think that pushing it could be counterproductive.

Such a pain I know. It means you won’t spend as much time together as you could if you all got on but then your DD is at a critical age and will be an adult in 3 short years. You don’t want to fuck things up at this point.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/08/2021 10:32

Why are you more worried about your bf thinking that your dd doesn’t want to see his son, when that is a perfectly normal reaction for a 15yo, than you are about how your dd will feel about being forced into playing happy families?

If your bf can’t accept and understand that these things are incredibly difficult, especially for teenagers, then that’s all the more reason not to prioritise his feelings.

Cloverforever · 02/08/2021 10:33

Sounds like it's about time your boyfriend clocked on to the fact his son's behaviour needs dealing with.

FelicityPike · 02/08/2021 10:34

@Cloverforever

Sounds like it's about time your boyfriend clocked on to the fact his son's behaviour needs dealing with.

I agree.

intothewoodss · 02/08/2021 10:37

@FelicityPike

She’s 15, of course she’s not wanting to spend time with a 10 year old who behaves like he’s 3! How did your BF react with his son’s ignorant, childish behaviour?

You're talking about an autistic child here.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 10:37

You absolutely need to be honest with DP that there is a maturity gulf between the DC and your DD didn't enjoy the outing because of DSS behaviour.

Read the signs that you won't be living together anytime soon if you are both putting the DC needs first.

intothewoodss · 02/08/2021 10:38

@Cloverforever

Sounds like it's about time your boyfriend clocked on to the fact his son's behaviour needs dealing with.

He's autistic, he can't help it, he's probably using every bit of energy he has to keep it together enough to even leave the house. Honestly I thought we had got further as a society with understanding neurodisability. This thread sadly proves otherwise.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:39

@intothewoodss My DD is autistic, not DP's son.

OP posts:

intothewoodss · 02/08/2021 10:40

*She, sorry I do know it's your DD that is on the spectrum here. I feel very sad that people think she should be coping better with this stuff.

StarryNight468 · 02/08/2021 10:40

You're talking about an autistic child here. @intothewoodss its the OPs dd who has autism

titchy · 02/08/2021 10:41

I'm worried that DP is going to clock on that the reason she isn't coming to these things anymore is because of his son.

Why does that worry you? Being honest with your dp should NEVER be something you feel anxious about.

30scrisis · 02/08/2021 10:41

@intothewoodss it's only the OPs DD that is autistic from what I've read... OP definitely give her a choice from now on but as a PP has said see how he deals with his sons behaviour if you talk to him. That will be interesting

ExplodingCarrots · 02/08/2021 10:42

My 8 year old DD would even get fed up of a stroppy kid who was throwing sulks so I can certainly understand why your 15 year old DD feels this way. Tbh I wouldn't push her to go out if she doesn't want to. If your DP asks I think you're going to have to be honest.

Original poster

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:42

@intothewoodss Ah ok! She's only mildly on the spectrum so absolutely 'fine' in the sense that it doesn't massively affect her day to day life, she's just a bit less tolerant than you'd expect, doesn't really like people that much, and has a few sensory issues.

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 02/08/2021 10:45

I can't imagine your DP will be that suprised that a 15 year old girl isn't that interested in hanging out with a 10 y o boy.
Obv she might need to suck it up for family events, but otherwise tell him. She INBU.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread