DD not keen on DSS

[BornThisWay00]

I have a DD15 and my DP has a DS10. We've been together 18 months. Live separately.

We don't spend lots of time all together due to the kids ages and still ensuring we have quality time with our own DC. Only met each other's DC 7 about 8 months ago. Spending a bit more time all together lately.

My DD is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow. DSS is the opposite. He's quite rigid.

The more time we've all spent together I can see my DD is not particularly liking the company of DSS. We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour. I could see DD looking at him and getting a little irritated (she is mildly autistic so very black and white about things). On the way home she said she found DSS very annoying and didn't understand why he was so stroppy. I explained everyone is different and deal with things in a different way but she just rolled her eyes and said can she not come to the next outing.

I know my DD has come across as rude in this post but she really wasn't. As I said previously, she is on the spectrum so very blunt and matter of fact about things which I've got used to over time.

Now DP has text this morning and suggested that we do something all together the weekend after next. I've just run it past DD and she's said NO way, she's not going out with DSS for the foreseeable.

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one? Not sure what to do going forward.

My first thought reading about your dss behaviour was that it sounds very much like undiagnosed or unrecognised neurodiversity- they sounds like coping strategies for a boy who is not coping. That's worth looking at - what is causing his behaviour- and perhaps trying to figure that out.
My eldest son declines all events that his brother (adhd snd autism) attends , and if my son was reacting like your dss at an event I'd know it was because he was in distress about something and take that pressure away.

Why force a blended family arrangement ?
Just because you are in a relationship this doesn’t mean 2 differently sex and aged children will have anything in common. They are virtual strangers with nothing in common.
Go back to doing adult things just the 2 of you and spend time with your children on your own

*He's autistic, he can't help it, he's probably using every bit of energy he has to keep it together enough to even leave the house. Honestly I thought we had got further as a society with understanding neurodisability. This thread sadly proves otherwise’

Before getting on your high horse, it might be worth RTFT.

Please put your daughter first here - if she can't tolerate him she doesn't have to. If you want to go somewhere with your partner and his son, then you can invite her and accept a refusal

I think that if this relationship is going to last, you do need to be able to say to him that your daughter finds his son's behavior difficult. I mean you can make an excuse and say she's busy, but in the end surely being honest would be better - and if he doesn't address his son's behavior won't you get fed up with it too?

This is my life (my daughter is 16, my boyfriend's son is 12). We don't live together and our children have nothing in common so we don't force it. Easy life for everyone. It means I don't see my boyfriend as much as I'd like but it also means that our children's wishes are put front and centre in all this. The kids will be grown-up soon enough and then there'll be loads of time for us to move in together and start the next chapter.

I would so exactly what @starrynight468 said. Believe me it is a BAD move to blend families when your DP can't seem to see or deal with his child's awful behaviour. You need to be really honest and if he gets defensive then just keep the relationship between you two and don't mix with each others kids at all. Or end it. I promise you this isn't something which will get better without being addressed.

No fifteen year old likes ten year olds.

It’s a given fact of life.

Even if they were biological brother and sister it would be rare for them to enjoy spending time together - there’s just very little they have in common at this age.

That isn’t to say though the relationship is doomed. She needs time to get used to their presence and I imagine he needs time to mature. She is a young lady and he is a little boy.

Forcing her to spend time with them is only going to drive them further apart and make her see your boyfriend as an imposition. Assure her she doesn’t have to come and that she doesn’t have to like them either.

Instead make it far more laid back - a tea out or have them round for a bbq. Forced family days out are no fun even when you’re related!

I have mild autism like your daughter and would most likely have reacted the same (probably worse - don't think she was rude in saying by the way) and would refuse to go anywhere with him in the future.
To be honest though even a 15 Yr old without being on the spectrum would probably refuse unless his behaviour was corrected. It sounds as though his dad may need to have a chat about his behaviour.

As for if your DP notices just explain it to him before hand, explain how your DD is feeling. If he is supportive then he should understand.

But don't push your DD into going to things, it may comes across as rude to some but it will most likely do no good for her. Give her the option to go, if she doesn't want to thats OK.

[quote BornThisWay00]@titchy It's more the case that id essentially be saying that DD is happy to go out with me, with DP, with pretty much anyone she likes, but won't if DP's son is there! [/quote]

But why should she want to spend time with an annoying 10 year old boy that is no relation to her?

Just because you are invested in a relationship with his father and see him as a potential step son, it doesn't follow that she has to want to be around him or see him as a sibling.

I think you need to respect her views, you can't force her to accept the boy. If you prioritise your DP and his son over her feelings then you will severely damage your relationship with your DD.

Don't make her spent time with your BF's son. He has nothing to do with her. It doesn't matter what your BF thinks, why would she have to tolerate some 10yo boy's annoying behaviour just because you are seeing his dad? There is no need to play happy families. You can continue seeing whoever you want, there is no need to force children on each other

@NailsNeedDoing

Why are you more worried about your bf thinking that your dd doesn’t want to see his son, when that is a perfectly normal reaction for a 15yo, than you are about how your dd will feel about being forced into playing happy families?

If your bf can’t accept and understand that these things are incredibly difficult, especially for teenagers, then that’s all the more reason not to prioritise his feelings.

I agree.

At 15 my DD1 detested her own 10yo sister so I am not surprised your DD dislikes your boyfriends 10 yo DS!

The worst thing you can do with an autistic teen is push. and I really need to take my own advice on this

So if she's currently saying 'never again' then pushing back against that will only make her more rigid in her decision, you have to take the pressure right off on that one.

However, if she enjoys spending time with your DP then you have to (after a little time has passed) make that part of her decision-making process: yes DD, I'd like to do that thing with DP too but that's the time that he has DSS so he would have to come too. DP is DSS father so sometimes they have to come as a package. If you don't want to do that thing because DSS is there then that is fine, but you won't be able to see DP either.

You will also have to work out what is non-negotiable as the relationship develops and work on that, eg in a couple of years you might want to spend Christmas as a blended family and she doesn't get to duck out of that, but will need to be able to retreat to her own space throughout the day.

And IF the DSS behaviour isn't being driven by any ASN (but it sounds to me like it could be) OR through being overwhelmed by a 'new family set up' then it needs dealt with, or you are in for a whole world of pain down the line.

@Athrawes

He's not your DSS. He's your boyfriend's son.

Pointless post of the day, right there.

I find it quite worrying that your DP doesn't notice how badly behaved his son is.

The behaviour sounds quite unusual though - covering his eyes when spoken to - is it at all possible that he has undiagnosed asd as people with asd can find people looking at them quite uncomfortable or is it definitely just poor parenting?

The son sounds annoying and I can see why your daughter doesn't want to spend any time with him. Why would she? Many 15 year old would barely tolerate an annoying 10 year old brother and this is not her brother, it's just a random kid for her. I don't understand why this isn't obvious to you. You have to have this conversation with your partner and put your daughter first.

Re your partner, you don’t need to make it about his son’s behaviour. Focus on the age gap and ages involved. In 7 years time a gap of 5 years is negligible but at their ages it’s a chasm. Ask him how his 15 year old self would have felt about hanging out with a 10 year old girl he hadn’t grown up with?
This is all normal and luckily, as you don’t live together it can be accommodated.
Is was over 10 years before I bought a house with my partner, although he moved in with me after about 7 or 8 years. We both had children from first marriages. We are very happy and 19 years together now.

Tell her that you would like her to come to occasional things where you will all be together (birthdays etc) and agree how often.
Tell him she's fifteen and less keen to join you all the time.

There's a similar age gap between my daughter and my youngest stepson. We don't make them do things together and we never have - they have very different interests. Regardless of any behaviour issues then she should have the right to opt out. These things can't be forced.

Could it be that the dss doesn’t want to spend time with you? He is much younger and has far less options for confident communication of this- not that you’ve don’t anything wrong, but he may be uncomfortable with the shifting relationships,
Of course, no reason for your daughter to tolerate the behaviour,
But the fact that she is completely unwilling suggests there’s been no investment from her either-
Perhaps they are both just telling you it’s moving a bit fast for them (you may not have gone ‘too fast’, thought it through, etc, but every child responds at a different rate)
It may help his confidence and all your long term relationships if both kids are given extra 1-1 time as a ‘reaction’, iyswim

OP, given that his normal behavior is annoying that is even more reason not to have joint events at all. If his normal behavior around both you and or your daughter is annoying, it may be that he prefers to be alone with his father particularly if his time with his dad is limited.

In any case, your partner should have no trouble understanding that a 15 year old does not want to spend time in the company of 10 year old.

If you and DP see yourself going the distance five years is really negligible. By the time he is 15 and she is 20 they will start to have a little more in common.

Just be open and honest with him and make your and DD’s position clear. She’s not comfortable acting sisterly to a child she doesn’t know and you don’t see you all buddying up for family Christmases any time soon. If he can’t handle that then he’s not right for you or your daughter.

As pp have said, 15 year old sisters are not generally the biggest fans of 10 year old brothers. So it's not surprising your DD doesn't want to spend time with an unrelated 10 year old boy. It sounds like she's been quite tolerant so far...I don't think she could be blamed for the occasional "Oh dear, what's the matter now?" and eye roll when he misbehaves.

I'd ask her to suck it up every now and again so you can all go out together, but I'd let her off most of the trips when he's going to be there (and organise some which are just for her and unsuitable for a 10yo). Your DP also needs to be addressing the causes of his son's behaviour but that's a more difficult conversation to have.

Also agree with PP that regardless of whether the DS likes you/spending time with you, he also might prefer to have dad to himself sometimes and may be playing to an audience in the hopes it'll put you off doing things together.

@KurtWilde DP has his son nearly 50/50 and our outings aren't frequent so he does get plenty of time with him. I believe he behaves this way when it's just him and DP too.