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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD not keen on DSS

108 replies

BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 10:19

I have a DD15 and my DP has a DS10. We've been together 18 months. Live separately.

We don't spend lots of time all together due to the kids ages and still ensuring we have quality time with our own DC. Only met each other's DC 7 about 8 months ago. Spending a bit more time all together lately.

My DD is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow. DSS is the opposite. He's quite rigid.

The more time we've all spent together I can see my DD is not particularly liking the company of DSS. We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour. I could see DD looking at him and getting a little irritated (she is mildly autistic so very black and white about things). On the way home she said she found DSS very annoying and didn't understand why he was so stroppy. I explained everyone is different and deal with things in a different way but she just rolled her eyes and said can she not come to the next outing.

I know my DD has come across as rude in this post but she really wasn't. As I said previously, she is on the spectrum so very blunt and matter of fact about things which I've got used to over time.

Now DP has text this morning and suggested that we do something all together the weekend after next. I've just run it past DD and she's said NO way, she's not going out with DSS for the foreseeable.

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one? Not sure what to do going forward.

OP posts:
Starjammer · 02/08/2021 12:39

Agree with the other posters - a 15yo girl and an unrelated 10yo boy are unlikely to get on that well, especially when the 10yo boy has some behavioural issues that make trips less fun. I don't think there's anything gained in forcing her to come to stuff she doesn't want to - then you'll just have two miserable young people.

I think, if this is someone you're imagining a long-term future with, you need to be able to be honest and say that at the moment, the age/interests gap is too much and your daughter would rather just do her own thing on those occasions.

SoupDragon · 02/08/2021 12:46

Actually though reading your post with the being rigid and covering ears I did wonder if perhaps he was autistic and/or has some sensory issues.

I wondered that too.

Bibidy · 02/08/2021 12:54

I think that 15 and 10 are ages that don't naturally gel and no one is necessarily wrong here. I don't blame your daughter for not wanting to spend her day hanging around with a 10yo boy, especially one who's a bit sulky and temperamental.

Would your DP be bothered if she doesn't join in? I would just focus on the activity on offer each time and ask her if she wants to join in with that, rather than making it about a meet-up with DP & son.

I think since she's 15, most people wouldn't have an issue with her not coming along to certain activities. Maybe do a meal out once in a while with all of you instead.

KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 12:55

[quote BornThisWay00]@KurtWilde DP has his son nearly 50/50 and our outings aren't frequent so he does get plenty of time with him. I believe he behaves this way when it's just him and DP too. [/quote]
Fair enough, I was just wondering if his time with him was limited. He still make not fully enjoy all of your going out together though. I know with my experience that my DC didn't always want my exDP and his DC out with us, and vice versa. We all got in really well it was just that sometimes it was good to let them have some say in it. We did eventually find a good balance but it was a work in progress for a long time!

So I think all you can really do is make sure your DD knows her attendance is optional, you'd like her to go along but if she's finding the DS a bit much then you understand. And that you communicate that properly to your DP. He really should understand, too.

Bibidy · 02/08/2021 12:56

Last sentence^^, I mean I don't think your DP would mind her not coming along.

balzamico · 02/08/2021 13:06

When he behaves like that,I'd question why you'd want to spend time with him either.
If your dd doesn't want to go that gives you a straight choice between spending time with him and badly behaved 10 year old and doing something else with dd

NailsNeedDoing · 02/08/2021 14:59

If the outings together really are infrequent, and you really don’t want to have the conversation with your dp just yet, it shouldn’t be that hard to make up a couple of excuses to get her out of it for the next couple of months. Can you encourage her to make some plans with friends that you can help accommodate for the dates your dp is suggesting?

It shouldn’t have to be that tricky a conversation when it comes to it, a 15 year old girl being irritated by a ten year olds behaviour is normal. If your dp would be offended enough by that that it would cause a problem between you, then the real issue lies with him and not her. If you don’t think he will be able to have a reasonable, albeit difficult conversation, how are you ever supposed to your families happily?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 15:12

We all attended an event together on Friday and DSS wasn't the best behaved. Cried when he didn't get his own way, covered his eyes when was being spoken to, and each mood lasted a good half hour.

Good grief, why you want to subject yourself to this nonsense is beyond me. Have you not told your boyfriend how horrible his son's behavior is? I wouldn't be going anywhere with him, either. Your daughter is justifiably fed up.

Kanaloa · 02/08/2021 15:17

Is there any reason the four of you need to go out all together? Different if your kids were the same age and friendly together but they aren’t, so just do family outings with your daughter and see your boyfriend at a different time.

Moonface123 · 02/08/2021 15:31

Oh the naievity, think your self lucky that she doesn't mind being in the company of your new partner, never mind his difficult son. It is unrealistic to think everyone wants to play happy families. I would keep the relationship with your partner separate from the kids, will be a lot easier.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 02/08/2021 15:33

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one?

Why on earth should she? You chose your boyfriend, don't force him and his family on her.

2bazookas · 02/08/2021 15:34

Do I politely tell DD she's going to have to come to one soon, if not this one?

Of course you don't.
For a start she is 15 and you cannot force her to any social meeting with your BF and his son.
It's not just your daughter not getting on with BFS.

BFS very clearly does not want to spend time with DD OR YOU.

So, you and BF should absolutely NOT be thinking of blended family/moving in together.

Just tell BF staright, "DD doesn't want to come because of your son. But you and I can take him out anyway, without her."

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 02/08/2021 15:44

Why would you tell her she’ll have to go with you? She’s 15. Why should she have to mix with a 10 year old who she finds annoying just because her mum is dating his dad?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 15:45

Oh the naievity, think your self lucky that she doesn't mind being in the company of your new partner, never mind his difficult son.

It’s highly possible her good will towards the DP will quickly fade if she realises him being around means she’s forced to spend time with a bratty 10 year old.

KatherineJaneway · 02/08/2021 15:48

@Cloverforever

Sounds like it's about time your boyfriend clocked on to the fact his son's behaviour needs dealing with.
Exactly
TokyoSushi · 02/08/2021 15:53

At 15 I really wouldn't push it with her.

Lovelybottom · 02/08/2021 16:04

@Athrawes

He's not your DSS. He's your boyfriend's son.
Really helpful and would have made for a snappy title too.
Summersnake · 02/08/2021 16:07

You can’t be mildly autistic
You either have a diagnosis,or you don’t

Original poster
BornThisWay00 · 02/08/2021 16:11

@Summersnake Apologies if I didn't use the correct terminology for my daughter ConfusedYes she has an autism diagnosis. But she is high functioning so it doesn't affect her daily life generally. Which is what I meant by 'mildly'.

OP posts:
Ourlady · 02/08/2021 16:21

Dd doesn't want to come out with your Ds. It gets on her nerves when he misbehaves all the time!
Done!

SamVimes6 · 02/08/2021 16:27

A 15y/o girl and a10 y/o boy are two very different animals in the best of situations.

Make the 10y/o a petulant brat and it’s no wonder the girl doesn’t want to spend time with him.

Talk to your bf, tell him his ds is hard work and if ds can’t behave and your bf will not control his ds then you and your dd will be enjoying more weekend time together without your bf and his son.
It’s very unfair to make your dd suffer because you have a bf with an awful child.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 16:32

Op, have you not thought about what this kid is going to be like as a teenager? If he behaves like this at 10, I wouldn't hold out hope. Never mind your daughter, who is very sensible and has excellent boundaries, BTW, do you want to deal with this?

Bibidy · 02/08/2021 16:37

I don't even think it needs to be an awkward convo considering your DD's age compared to your DP's son.

You can still do things with your DP and his son without your DD, and things with her without them. Your DP can come over and spend time with you and DD when his son is at his mum's.

If they were closer in age it might be harder but I think with her at 15 it shouldn't be a huge problem for her to miss things.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 18:02

@RandomMess

At 15 in most families she would be increasingly opting out of "family outings" especially with annoying younger siblings.
I thought the same. She is a lot older than him and would be the same if he was her biological sibling.
LivingNextDoorToNorma · 02/08/2021 18:40

Honestly? I’ve never enjoyed the company of my step-siblings, and they would say the same of me. They’re perfectly nice people, we just never ‘clicked’. The only connection we had was our parents. None of us have particularly fond memories of the family meals, events etc that we were forced to attend together.

I always liken it to being forced to spend extended time with your in-laws. Adults are frequently advised to limit or reduce the time they spend with in-laws if they find the relationship difficult. Children are expected to be able to coexist with their step-siblings, despite lacking the emotional maturity of adults. We often expect children to get along in a way that adults can’t.

I would just explain to your boyfriend that your daughter finds the relationship difficult, and so won’t be attending anymore ‘family’ events. I’m sure your boyfriend will understand, chances are his son feels the same way.

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