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Step-parenting

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Original poster

LAT and holidays

96 replies

Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:17

Hi - me and dp(happily) don’t live together, we live in different cities, so we spend a fair bit of time apart (which we both enjoy too )

He has his dc 50/50 of the time in his own house. I have my dc 70%. He is here when he doesn’t have kids kids a bit more than I am there when I don’t have mine ..

We run into problems sorting holidays - I feel pressure to host and feel there is an expectation for the SC to come here to stay in the hols. The kids get on well but I do find it hard to have guests longer than a few days.

Am I being unfair? I do like hosting but not for too long and we have chosen not to live together so we don’t blend the families . I would just like him ) to realise it’s not exactly a summer holiday for me to be hosting . How if at all) should I broach this fairly ? Part of me feels like I am being miserable but I genuinely find it hard and really tiring.

(I used to be much more up for hosting at the start of our relationship until I realised how much work I was doing and that I actually found it quite stressful at times)
Thanks for reading !

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:22

I'm afraid I don't know what LAT is. But I'd just be honest and tell your partner this:

I feel pressure to host and feel there is an expectation for the SC to come here to stay in the hols. The kids get on well but I do find it hard to have guests longer than a few days.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:30

@Uramaki oh sorry it means living apart together )
I have told him that but it’s the same pressure each holiday time. It just causes me a lot of personal stress to assert my wishes when I’m a naturally quiet introvert ..

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 16/07/2021 08:34

Just limit their stay to a few days at one time, ie less than a week. A short break for them which, hopefully, they will enjoy but not long enough to wear you out.

Or you could just not have them, let them be with their dad as usual.

underneaththeash · 16/07/2021 08:37

Just tell him that you'd like to sort out your diary for the summer and put in a few days when his children can come.

That way you're in control.

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:45

You shouldn't have to keep saying it, he's either not listening properly or trying to get you to change your mind. Which isn't right.

How is he pressuring you? Is he asking you each holiday once in the hope you've changed your mind? In which case I'd tell him to just assume they can come for 2 days (or whatever you are comfortable with) unless you tell him otherwise and not ask for more.

If he is being more aggressive with it, trying to emotionally blackmail you etc then I'd split up with him.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:45

Thanks both - I suggested exactly that , for a duration and timing I thought was fair and also I could handle , but the response was ‘but xxx wants to come for a week ‘

So tricky ! We aren’t blended precisely because I don’t want to look after loads of kids (I have 3 of my own and work FT with no childcare so am always really tired and need down time )

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:47

@Uramaki yes I rhink that’s why I am so rattled by it

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:48

but the response was ‘but xxx wants to come for a week ‘

Oh dear.

xxx can come for a week and stay in his house then.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:50

it’s like this each holiday and i just don’t feel heard

Wwyd? I’m a really passive person , it’s something I do struggle with !

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:50

I'm an introvert too and also very conflict adverse. It can be tricky but the more you repeat yourself and remember you are doing nothing wrong expressing your needs it gets a bit easier.

He really is crossing a line though and needs to get back over it sharpish.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:52

@Uramaki aw you too

It really derailed me yesterday and I still feel upset about it today

I just don’t want to have to be defending my wishes at the end of every term

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/07/2021 08:52

Sorry that doesn't work for me. 3 days tops. You know this. Please stop pushing.

Via text if that's easier.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:54

I would wait to be invited somewhere always !

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 08:55

@Wallywobbles that's a good idea. You could even add in that it's making you uncomfortable/unhappy having to keep explaining this every holiday.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 08:59

@Wallywobbles

Sorry that doesn't work for me. 3 days tops. You know this. Please stop pushing.

Via text if that's easier.

Wow that’s great text ! Thanks)

But is that unfair when he and I are in a relationship ?

To be fair, me and (mainly one) of my kids would stay with him (rarely) but I would always limit it to 1-2 days max

It’s not like he doesn’t invite us but it’s rarer (as also I live in a beautiful place so it’s lovely for kids to be here )

I used to be much more up for it until I was put under pressure this way

OP posts:
jasminoide · 16/07/2021 08:59

He's being a CF OP. He wants to come for a week so it's a holiday for him. He gets cooked for, cleaned for and sex. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you can do stints of 3 days at your house and then the same at his house. Do not be pressured into doing it his way.

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 09:10

What’s a CF?

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 09:20

Can I also add in that last year he actually quoted his exw as saying ‘use xxxdestinationxx as their summer holiday ‘. Which am sure has also changed how I feel about it tbh

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:21

But is that unfair when he and I are in a relationship ? not unfair at all. I'm guessing one of the main benefits of LAT is that you get your own space, so if that is important to you then don't give it up unless you are happy to. I hope he doesn't expect you to do all the looking after them while they are there too.

I'm the same in that the more I'm pressured into something the less I want to so it! Maybe tell him that in the long run he might find they are invited more if you don't feel pressured to do so!

CF is a Cheeky Fucker

Wallywobbles · 16/07/2021 09:22

CF=Cheeky fucker.

Why do you not think its ok for you set a boundary that you are comfortable with? If its just for the day that's fine. What you want is more important than what anyone else wants. Your job is to advocate for you (and your kids).

Uramaki · 16/07/2021 09:23

@Endofether

Can I also add in that last year he actually quoted his exw as saying ‘use xxxdestinationxx as their summer holiday ‘. Which am sure has also changed how I feel about it tbh
Crossposted.

I would not be happy with that at all and would consider never having the kids to stay and always go to his when he has them if he wants to spend time with you. You are not a free holiday. Why does his ex even know where you live? Is he still living with her?

Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 09:25

Hahah CF that really made me lol

Dunno - it’s just really made me feel unvalued

It’s really making me assess it all I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofether · 16/07/2021 09:26

@Uramaki no but they live close by to each other and are v amicable

So this is another underlying issue def (/she still goes to extends family events etc)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/07/2021 09:27

I’d say if it’s a week we can all come to yours snd you host- maybe you will appreciate the effort more if it’s you doing the beds shopping meals and laundry like I have to do at mine.

timeisnotaline · 16/07/2021 09:28

Because it wouldn’t be such an effort on you if he pulled his weight. Did a shop day one and had half the meals planned, took them all out a few hours to give you a break etc. it sounds like he doesn’t do that so very much taking you for granted.