LAT and holidays

[Endofether]

Hi - me and dp(happily) don’t live together, we live in different cities, so we spend a fair bit of time apart (which we both enjoy too )

He has his dc 50/50 of the time in his own house. I have my dc 70%. He is here when he doesn’t have kids kids a bit more than I am there when I don’t have mine ..

We run into problems sorting holidays - I feel pressure to host and feel there is an expectation for the SC to come here to stay in the hols. The kids get on well but I do find it hard to have guests longer than a few days.

Am I being unfair? I do like hosting but not for too long and we have chosen not to live together so we don’t blend the families . I would just like him ) to realise it’s not exactly a summer holiday for me to be hosting . How if at all) should I broach this fairly ? Part of me feels like I am being miserable but I genuinely find it hard and really tiring.

(I used to be much more up for hosting at the start of our relationship until I realised how much work I was doing and that I actually found it quite stressful at times)
Thanks for reading !

I think you need to tell him honestly. Reiterate why you have chosen to live separately and explain this is because you also like your space. Having guests is hard work as even if they are relatively well know you always feel a bit on edge and like you need to be checking people are ok.

I would just tell him you’ve had this conversation before and whilst xxxx wants to come for a week and that’s lovely, you really can only do 3 days at a time as a week feels too long to have that many people in one house.

Sounds to me more like he’s told Exw and the kids potentially they are having a weeks holiday and now realises he may not be able to provide that so is pushing you instead.

@Blendiful yeah he’s definitely using as a holiday . He would say it’s because they want to spend time with us

To be fair we did go away pre Covid , so it’s a lot to do with that

But in truth I often don’t enjoy the dynamic of being with him with his kids as he’s often hyper vigilant (making an effort to get less so tho) . The kids themselves are great on the whole

What would have happened if you suggested spending the holidays at his? Would you want to do that?

Well after our convo he did later that day invite me and kids to his for some time in the summer , so maybe he did see my perspective after all !

Does he do everything when you’re at his or do you chip in? And does he chip in and pull his weight at yours? Or are you “the staff”? Does he put his hand in his pocket and do the shopping? Etc

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Does he do everything when you’re at his or do you chip in? And does he chip in and pull his weight at yours? Or are you “the staff”? Does he put his hand in his pocket and do the shopping? Etc

I would say he’s a bit inconsistent ...

Sometimes he’s great but other times not. He’s got better I think . Sometimes generous, but overly he is more careful than anything

@Endofether please feel free to correct me but by careful I read that more of the financial burden can fall to you more often than not. Especially when he invites himself to yours on a ‘holiday’.

Listen, all I will say is this. If aside from this he makes you happy, then don’t go ‘off him’ over this. At least try and talk it through, as uncomfortable as it may feel. Based on what you’ve said about his wider family, this is who he is. If you’re going to sustain a LTR with someone like this, you will have to develop a direct, no nonsense communication style with him. If you don’t, pushy people will continue to do just that. Push.

I’m glad I was with my ex, as it has actually helped me develop my communication style and not shy away from difficult/ direct conversations. It’s also allowed me to work on my boundaries and my ability to say ‘no, that doesn’t work for me.’

Thanks @sassbott. I love him dearly and him me. We have been together 5.5 years so we do have longevity. He can be the most generous man but it’s as if it’s not a natural reflex for him sometimes . It’s like his spirit is amazing but sometimes his upbringing sort of kicks in.

So you’re right - I need to find a dialogue when I need to point out that he is being pushy . We are from different cultural backgrounds too so think there is that at play possibly too.

Excellent considered and insightful advice from @sassbott as usual. Good luck OP, maybe try out both sides of the conversation with a few different versions in advance to get used to a different tone to your usual appeasing one.

@sassbott re financial burden - no he does contribute , he’s just not the type so be ‘let me take everyone out for dinner ‘, he would be careful in that way (like would buy a aupermarket shop for example )

Based on what you’ve said, talk to him. Figure out what it is that bothers you. Then when you have 121 time, preferably with not a lot of alcohol or when either of you are stressed, talk about it.

You don’t have to be confrontational. You can simply say, ‘I’m tired, I feel overwhelmed with what I have on my plate already. And the thought of having everyone at mine for a week really stresses me out! I need you to work with me and find a middle ground please. Max 2-3 days. And over those days I need you to do xyz (food shop/ meal prep/ whatever it is).

Show him your problem (you have a full plate) and ask him to be be part of the solution. He should be able to listen. And if he still can’t. Then you simply have to be able to say (however you wish to phrase it), ‘you’re not listening. What you’re proposing doesn’t work for me. So I need you to compromise and work with me’.

@sassbott that’s so helpful ! Thank you ! He really makes a massive effort to make us work but I think he really finds it hard when the wishes of esp his dd don’t match mine. He has people pleaser tendencies he is aware of. I think I do need to find a way to meet the more dominant forces around him (dd, mother , esw)!

His DD’s needs do not supercede yours. As her parent it is down to him to meet her needs/ or appropriately reset them. Not force them onto every one else.

As I said in an earlier post, my exp genuinely couldn’t see why anyone else wouldn’t want to spend all the time with his children. They too would ask for me all the time. He saw that I should see it as a huge compliment and by refusing it I was essentially rejecting his children. There was once a classic line along the lines of ‘you’re lucky to spend time with my children’. It gave me real insight into how precious he viewed his children/ his time with them.

I would never say those words to anyone else in my life. It doesn’t make my exp a bad person, but he was coming from a very different place/ view.

Once I understood that, I moved the focus onto my life, my needs and the simple fact that taking on more would leave me broken/ exhausted.
I removed any oxygen about whether it was about his children and that helped a lot.

Thanks @sassbott and everyone ! Such good advice, I really appreciate it so much )

Me and my DP have been also been together 5.5 years. Or rather had.

We’re now splitting over a replica incident. Or rather it’s a straw that’s broken the camel’s back.

His dd is just on another level. Last time she was at my house, she arrived with her scrap book and announced to daddy, ‘do you like my colouring’. Then sat looking at her dads phone to searching the archives for pictures of herself. For hours and hours. That was her visit. She is 20. And emotionally stunted, in no small part by her hapless parents.

I told STBExDP that since Spring, that there’s no more or these ‘sleepovers’ and that I’ll do adult-adult interaction with her only (go out to lunch).

He won’t respect this boundary. Yet another example of him expecting me to do the emotional work of the relationship. Because I’ve got a vagina. Somehow along the way he forgot they are not in fact my kids (cos it’s wot women do… this stuff, right…? Right?).

We are now splitting. Not seen him now for a couple of weeks. I’m not missing this relationship. He’s tried to push me (stealthily) into being Mum. His mum. Step mum. I don’t want either role. I’m raging about it. Livid.

Sounds like you’ve more hope than me, OP. Good luck.

BTW we were LAT but clearly not on the same terms. I work full time, have 100% responsibility for my teens (spot the other useless bloke). Have a very poorly sister and am in chronic pain at the moment from a shoulder injury. I say bollox to these men. My house is my sanctuary.

I’m turning inside out with cringe at that @LatentPhase and I’m so pleased for you that you’ve ended it and can look forward to happier and more carefree times.

Thanks, @AnneLovesGilbert, I appreciate that.

I believe in all this blending strife runs a common thread. Men getting women to Do the Emotional Work in relationships - That Belongs to Them.

They can get away with it quite comfortably in a nuclear family. Because women can have full relational agency with their own children, they create and relate. Nobody gets emotionally ensnared here, simply mismatched emotional work.

Enter the step family setup. The man applies the same rule: ‘hey, bingo, I’m in a relationship now, I can now sit back as I did in my nuclear family. Let the woman take on the emotional stuff. She will love and welcome-with-open-arms these kids (which I’m actually not massively engaged with, myself) and she can host, facilitate contact, run around Wifeworking the whole gig.

And should the woman point out that this man has abdicated his responsibility? Well then he can accuse the woman of ‘not liking my children’ HA! Bingo!

It’s a whole rip off for women. In my case it was by stealth, since on a practical level he was brilliant. Did loads in house/garden, plans holidays etc. I absolutely loved the other aspects of the man.

But no man is worth this. It’s common or garden disrespect for women.

I’m moving on to a more peaceful life.

@LatentPhase omg!!! Am sorry but glad for you! Infuriating though! That is so so strange ?? Is she is only child. Does she have a job, a house, a partner ??

Omg that is exactly the sort of thing I can imagine dp dd doing tbf - another thing that does put me off us all being together is her constant attempts at PDA with dp too. So strange . Only does it with an audience .

@Endofether yeah so she has no school qualifications (poor kid crashed out of school at 14, to be fair it sounded pretty horrific). Since then dd has been left to it, provided with a life of being enabled. She can’t even do her own laundry.

She’s now decided ‘nobody can help me’ and well actually, as long as her parents fail to step up - she’s right. Trouble is she’s not minded to help herself either. She had everything she materially ‘wants’ and all she has to do it hide from the world.

Well she won’t be using my house to hide in. No thanks. And neither will STBexDP.

I would listen to your gut, @Endofether because it’s sounds like lack of boundaries with your DP, too. Maybe your gut is also telling you to keep a lid on the exposure levels…

@LatentPhase

I would listen to your gut, *@Endofether* because it’s sounds like lack of boundaries with your DP, too. Maybe your gut is also telling you to keep a lid on the exposure levels…

Yes he has massive problems with boundaries with women - mother , exw, dsd, colleagues

He is often aware of this except the times he’s ‘in it’ iyswim - I do have sympathy for him but it’s just wearing me out a bit as I just want to have a quiet life

Oh gosh it’s sounds like you are well out of it as I think that would be a lifetime of that dynamic tbh

Sorry @Endofether but I’m going against the grain here and this would make me want to cool things off a bit.

There are so many red flags. Even if they are all good house guests, they shouldn’t be using you for a holiday unless invited. And they certainly shouldn’t be dictating the length of stay.

However, it sounds like a bunch of adults and teens descend on you and contribute very little in terms of help, effort or cost. That’s appalling.

And I agree with all the PPs saying it’s much harder to host and entertain your own kids alone. Hence why he’s super keen to deliver them to your place!

I wouldn’t bank on the invitation to his place ever materialising.

You say he has boundary problems with women. But he doesn’t with you! Instead, he’s happy to walk all over your boundaries, even when you try to preserve them, knowing you’re not naturally comfortable with confrontation.

And he was like ‘oh it’s a sweet gesture of love from her to your dd’ in wanting to stay for a week

And this comment, I read as pretty grotesque emotional manipulation.

Sorry if this is hard to hear. But you sound lovely and your posts made me cross on your behalf. Please don’t spend another summer being a hotel for others. 💐

[quote Endofether]@sassbott re financial burden - no he does contribute , he’s just not the type so be ‘let me take everyone out for dinner ‘, he would be careful in that way (like would buy a aupermarket shop for example )[/quote]
Would he buy a supermarket shop big enough to cover him and kids coming for the week?

It sounds like they are treating you like a free holiday rental-with free food, waitress service and entertainment! I would just say no now-you need to explain how you feel.

Or say-‘we always come to mine-let’s come to yours for a week this year’. What would he say to that?

@Endofether

Well after our convo he did later that day invite me and kids to his for some time in the summer , so maybe he did see my perspective after all !

I bet that will never happen!

What do you do to host when they come?
What does he do?
What does it end up costing you?
What’s it like when you all go to stay at his?