LAT and holidays

[Endofether]

Hi - me and dp(happily) don’t live together, we live in different cities, so we spend a fair bit of time apart (which we both enjoy too )

He has his dc 50/50 of the time in his own house. I have my dc 70%. He is here when he doesn’t have kids kids a bit more than I am there when I don’t have mine ..

We run into problems sorting holidays - I feel pressure to host and feel there is an expectation for the SC to come here to stay in the hols. The kids get on well but I do find it hard to have guests longer than a few days.

Am I being unfair? I do like hosting but not for too long and we have chosen not to live together so we don’t blend the families . I would just like him ) to realise it’s not exactly a summer holiday for me to be hosting . How if at all) should I broach this fairly ? Part of me feels like I am being miserable but I genuinely find it hard and really tiring.

(I used to be much more up for hosting at the start of our relationship until I realised how much work I was doing and that I actually found it quite stressful at times)
Thanks for reading !

Don't do what you don't want to do. Simple as that. Offer him 3 days if that's what you want/can tolerate. Don't excuse yourself, just inform him these are the options. You don't even live together, there is no reason for them to stay at your place at all

@timeisnotaline

Because it wouldn’t be such an effort on you if he pulled his weight. Did a shop day one and had half the meals planned, took them all out a few hours to give you a break etc. it sounds like he doesn’t do that so very much taking you for granted.

Yeah this is true, his focus is v much his own kids

How old are all the kids? I’d be tempted to say that you and your kids food shop, cook and clean up on one day, he and his kids do the same the next, then he takes all the kids out for a day (including food shopping) and they cook for you and clean up and you do the same the next day and then on say day 5 you do a jobs list for all kids and DP and yourself and you all pitch in. Not sure if that makes sense at all but divide it all up so you’re not doing it all and see what he says.

Kids are older teens (one at uni) one 18 then two 16, one 12

Yeah I really need this to not be me putting on a holiday and everyone pull their weight !

4 of his kids and 3 of yours? Is that right. That's no ones idea of a holiday ever.

Just text say ok for one night (or whatever) and then add my text from earlier.

Piss take of epic proportions going on here.

‘but xxx wants to come for a week’

“Two data is enough for me”

“I’m sure you can find things to do with them”

“DC and I are looking forward to a rest”

“DC and I have plans already”

“You’re not listening to me. Please stop pushing it, you know I find it stressful and you need to hear what I’m saying and respect my wishes”

“We’ve discussed this, I’ve made my wishes clear. Stop going on about it”

“Oi, how many times?! It’s my holiday too, I want to spend it with my DC and if you don’t drop it won’t be having any of you to stay at all”

He’s relying on you to feel awkward and obliged to keep the peace so he and his kids get what they want even if it upsets you and makes more work for you.

Why doesn’t care about you being happy and getting a break and quality time with your DC?

Why are you bottom of the pile?

Does he take his kids away on an actual holiday or is the holiday at yours?

Why don't you discuss all going away for a holiday (that is not at your house) that way you might actually get a little bit of a break.

Does he bring all four of his to yours?

I very much doubt the 18 and 16yo even want to be there for a week! (No offence, OP!)

Tell him - just because I live in X place my life is not a 24/7 holiday, I still have cooking, shopping, cleaning, other life admin it’s just you do it in nice surroundings.
Can you say something like
When you and your dc insist on spending a week at a time here and treat it like a holiday leaving me with more shopping cleaning and cooking it just makes me feel totally taken for granted. I understand you wanting to go on holiday with your children but this is my life. If you want a holiday with your children then go on holiday. I don’t enjoy those visits it’s exhausting and it’s not a holiday for me. It wouldn’t be so bad if you and they acknowledged this and you pitched in to shop, cook and clean up, but it doesn’t happen so I just feel like the hired help. This is my life and my home. I have said it’s ok for a couple of days but it’s upsetting me that you keep pushing for a longer stay. Please accept my wishes.

@Endofether - sorry but am I right in thinking he brings all 4 of his teen/young adult dc to yours while you have 3 dc of your own?
No WAY would I allow this & don't even get me started on the exw's comment.
How on earth is having 7 dc milling around a holiday for anyone? Furthermore if you are LAT why do they even need to see you given their ages????
You need to have a frank conversation with him & spell out in no uncertain terms how you feel.

Thanks all !!

No it’s two of his and I have 3

My eldest isn’t around at mo though (working away )

Cross post - but even still 4/5 dc is a lot to handle.

OP, perhaps you and your partner have different degrees of happiness with your arrangement. Perhaps he see the arrangement as an accident of distance and geography, and not the well intentioned arrangement that it is in your view.

It might be easier if you were to break this down to him in the simplest of terms , for instance " I would not want to change our time together arrangement even if we were to live in the same city."

Does it really matter how the ex terms the time that her kids spend at your home? If she were to say "blending time", " vacationing " , hanging out " or " visiting " as opposed to "simmering" , would it really change the substance of the time spent together.

He may be saying that he understands LAT, but his understanding may not be consistent with your understanding and therein may be the problem.

Many people decide that they do not want a traditional relationship, but then want all of the trappings that typically go with a traditional relationship. In essence ,they want different but yet want it to be the same. Your partner may be one of those people.

Where is this pressure to host coming from? If it's from him, you need to have a serious discussion. If you are the sort of lovely person that wants to do a kind thing and then realised how everyone else just lets you why on with it ... it's yourself you need to have a word with.

Fish and visitors ... stink after three days.

This is the strategy I used to use when my kids were toddlers:

You: Okay, so lets do three days together.
DP: But X wants to stay for a week.
You: Okay, lets make it two days.
DP: no, they want a week.
You: Okay, one day to make it simple then.

And then stick to what you've said...every time. Mine then used to start listening to what I was saying! You're not being unreasonable. You don't owe any of them a holiday.

I used to get this with my exp. For contact and holidays. Like you I work FT (in a stressful job). My exh has the children approx 50% overnights, but the logistics of afterschool care/ feeding etc still fall to me.

I’m fine with it all, but like you, my downtime when my DC are with my ex is important. Layer in on that, my DC also know what they need to do to help me / pitch in. Like meal prep/ cleaning up etc.

What happened for me is that most of his contact would overlap when my DC were with my ex. So it both blatantly hit into my downtime. It doesn’t matter what you say, having someone else’s child in your home is very different to having someone else’s children around. I, for example, would not think twice before rebuking my children if they didn’t stack the dishwasher/ left the kitchen a mess etc etc. Dragging them in by their ears if needs be to clean up (slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). I wouldn’t do that with my exp’s children. That changes the dynamic.

Like you, I tried having subtle convos and saying what I wanted and the recurrent convos did not stop. In the end, what it took was a very blunt conversation. Spelling out that contact time/ holiday time was for him and his children. That his expectation that I join consistently (or want to join) was unfair and that as much as I had no issue (per se) around his children, I also was not prepared to give up my downtime for them. Nor was I prepared to share my home with them.

That I had no issue with a day here/ day there etc but that was as far as I anticipated ‘blending’ happening.

I never understand people who act this way. I love my hols with my DC. Is it nice to share some of that time with adult company? Potentially? But tbh that changes the vibe. I’m very content for it to me and my DC. My downtime is precious. And it’s my choice how I spend it.

I would advise a very similar / direct convo. Non confrontational, but you need to be clear.

Another perfect opportunity to use my favorite phrase when someone won’t accept “no.”:

“I think I’m being too polite. No, that doesn’t work for me. I’ve already said that before and it hasn’t changed.”

This thread has reminded me of the first holiday I outright refused to go and he holidayed with his DC alone. On his return he looked absolutely shattered and yet he couldn’t admit that the reason he was shattered was that holidaying with his children alone had exhausted him. He had had no choice but to be the one running around after them, clearing up, packing things, organising things. But also, entertaining them. When I mentioned how exhausted he looked, he replied ‘oh I haven’t slept well.’ I chuckled to myself and didn’t say a word In response.

Months later, midst discussion about something else, it almost burst out of him in frustration about how he had returned from that holiday exhausted and it would have been nice to have me there to ‘help out.’

My response? ‘How else do you think holidays with children are? Every parent returns broken, especially when children are young. The expectation you have that I should accompany you to make YOUR holiday with YOUR children easier and more enjoyable for you. Is all about you and nothing to do with what I want, what I need and what I will enjoy.’

Up until that point, someone had always accompanied him on breaks. Family, siblings, parents, me. So he would get to enjoy his time with his kids while the minions around him cleared/ prepped food/ packed up / organised trips etc.

The kicker of ‘well they want to.’ I got that to. And where you need to get to is that his needs and his children’s needs do not get to supercede yours. Period.

It does not make you unreasonable, not one bit.
But you do need a conversation about what you’re both looking for from a relationship. And whether operating this way meets your needs.

My ex and I may reconcile, we remain friends. But the one point I have not shifted on (and won’t) is how prepared I am to blend. I’m not. His contact time with his children is for him and them. As is his holiday time. Like you I will happily do the odd weekend/ afternoon here and there but I won’t be sharing my home for a week (unless there was unavoidable emergency). I’ve made that crystal clear to him, and if that is a deal breaker then he needs to not reconcile with me and look for a partner who wishes to be more hands on.

Thanks all !

@sassbott I just struggle to be direct and assertive

I really hate that I am gonna have to be ! Why can’t people be more thoughtful ?

Who gives a crap if they want to come for a week-it’s not their choice! I want a yacht and a pony, but it’s not going to happen because I can’t afford it!

Give us a run down of what your days are like when they’re at yours and you are hosting? What does their dad do?

I really hate that I am gonna have to be

I expect you are very good at looking after and being considerate to others and are only just noticing that not everyone is like that. Some people just let you be considerate.

It's a bit sad that you do have to stand up for yourself, hold your boundaries. Do please find the strength, like any muscle, the more you do it the stronger it gets.

All the best

@Endofether I don’t understand it either tbh. I wouldn’t dream of packing my kids and I up and descending upon anyone uninvited because they ‘wanted’ to.

We all love our children unconditionally, but none of should help blind/ entitled enough to think that others share our opinions of them. My siblings adore my children and I theirs. Would I descend on either of their houses with my children uninvited/ or vice versa? No. We’re pretty close aswell.

I’m sorry to say that the only way I think you can tackle this is to be direct. And position it in such a way that he doesn’t take it that you don’t like his children (which was the initial defensive response I got).

I simply replied that if he had the level of responsibilities / stress I had week in week out, he would be more respectful of my needs.

I tried a lot of subtle ways to make him understand how little I wished to engage with contact. It never stuck. Why? I genuinely think he couldn’t contemplate why other people wouldn’t be as enamoured to spend time with his children as he was.

I simply replied with ‘because they’re not my kids and my priority is my needs over yours.’

Like I said, his first holiday alone with them was an eye opening experience. Up until then he had viewed his holidays with them as what should be an enjoyable holiday for him too. Doesn’t work that way (as most of us know) with younger children. Teens become easier in some ways but harder in so many others as we navigate moods/ growing personalities/ bickering/ trying to make compromises on activities. Layering in more children can make all of the above 10 times more stressful.

They don’t see that. They just want to have fun and have their children have fun. Having other people around to entertain etc their children makes it easier for them.

@Wallywobbles

Sorry that doesn't work for me. 3 days tops. You know this. Please stop pushing.

Via text if that's easier.

Agree with this approach.

Your house, your say. I’m introverted too and NEED my downtime and find it very stressful when people stay here for too long (SC included). I wish I’d been more assertive years ago.

@sassbott hmmmmm I know ! I just wouldn’t either ! I do think tbh the wider family is slightly the same , sort of pushy . Whereas I am the opposite. When we were talking about it I was saying ‘ but it’s not about what xx wants , it’s about me , you , all the kids’ And he was like ‘oh it’s a sweet gesture of love from her to your dd’ in wanting to stay for a week. 16 is plenty old enough to realise that it’s hard work having guests !

It just really puts me off him !

@LadyCluck so hard though isn’t it??

And I just feel the man in my life should understand me without me having to battle to assert how I feel ..