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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How much do you have to tell the ex about your life now ?

79 replies

Harpergirl166 · 02/06/2021 12:39

Hi everyone.

Bit of back story I am a step mum to a 9 year old girl and a mum to my three year old boy with my husband . Married for 5 years to my husband. The relationship between my husband and ex is strained at best. It goes from zero communication because of a big falling out to arguments over boundaries and what's being going on in respective homes. I try my hardest to stay out it as life's way too short to spend it in an ongoing war. My husband and I have a nice life together all in all and he's now taken the position that he can't be bothered to deal with the abusive messages and phone calls and simply ignores his ex completely he hasn't always been innocent and can react badly if he feels the ex has crossed the line , he hasn't always taken the high road. He feels she needs to know absolutely nothing regarding his time with his daughter and absolutely nothing when it comes to his life as this is usually what triggers her. We had a holiday planned without the dsd before covid and it's been moved and moved and he hasn't told her, we are moving house soon ( waiting on exchange of contracts) he will not give her his address and is very firm about it. He has also changed his number and will not share it. I have stayed quiet but is this too far or a case of our life we live it as we like now ?

OP posts:

supadupapupascupa · 02/06/2021 12:43

Well unless he plans on never having his daughter at the new house then he is being very unreasonable not to give her the address. Of course she needs to know where her daughter is! What's the reason? It sounds childish to me......
What you have written does come accrued like his daughter is no longer welcome

FortunesFave · 02/06/2021 12:44

I could not countenance his behaviour. It's unrealistic and controlling. Is he controlling with you?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 12:45

@supadupapupascupa

Well unless he plans on never having his daughter at the new house then he is being very unreasonable not to give her the address. Of course she needs to know where her daughter is! What's the reason? It sounds childish to me...... What you have written does come accrued like his daughter is no longer welcome

she doesn't need to know the address as long as he is willing to pick up and drop off his daughter. I dont think she is legally entitled to know.

What part of what OP wrote makes you think that his daughter is no longer welcome? there is quite literally nothing that suggests that.

Lemonlemon88 · 02/06/2021 12:45

I totally understand not engaging but what if there was an emergency with his DD? How would she get hold of him?

If I was separated from my DP I think I would probably want to know where my DD was in terms of her being in another city om holiday or the house she was at but I wouldn't want to know details of your day to day activities.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 12:45

@FortunesFave

I could not countenance his behaviour. It's unrealistic and controlling. Is he controlling with you?

What's controlling?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 12:46

I do however think she should have his number - because they will need to make childcare arrangements surely?

supadupapupascupa · 02/06/2021 12:48

Who mentioned legally? I said he was unreasonable. Emergencies happen. I'd hate to not know where my child is.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 12:49

@supadupapupascupa

Who mentioned legally? I said he was unreasonable. Emergencies happen. I'd hate to not know where my child is.

Unfortunately thats what happens when you behave like an arsehole to people. If they were civil with eachother presumably this wouldn't be a problem.

supadupapupascupa · 02/06/2021 12:49

She will find out anyway. She will ask her daughter where the house is or is he suggesting that SD keeps secrets from her mum? In which case that is awful

supadupapupascupa · 02/06/2021 12:53

I totally get it. I come from a split family, and my brothers situation is very similar by the sounds of it as to what is happening here. But he treats all kids equally (including holidays), keeps his head down (she can say and behave as she likes, carry on) and doesn't bite.
One by one, all the kids have left their mothers and gone to live with him. One remains.
If there was fear of damage or violence then withholding an address is fair enough, but otherwise it's just adding another stick to beat you both with

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 12:55

@supadupapupascupa

She will find out anyway. She will ask her daughter where the house is or is he suggesting that SD keeps secrets from her mum? In which case that is awful

I wouldn't expect any child to lie, of course not. We didnt give DPs ex our exact address because she didn't need to know it at the time (dss lived with us and was old enough to travel to and from her house alone) although she did find it out in the end when DSS needed dropping off.

Same as i dont broadcast it to anyone else who doesn't need to know, until they do NEED to know.

Honeyroar · 02/06/2021 13:00

There surely needs to be some means of contact in an emergency- perhaps a pay as you go mobile just for that purpose (that should be taken in days out with the stepdaughter too). But he doesn’t need to give her all details. He’d have to do the pick ups though.

unicornsarereal72 · 02/06/2021 15:02

I had a spell of not knowing exs phone number or address. He use to contact me on his gf phone.

I didn't make a fuss. Information slowly comes to the surface. Legally he was not obliged to give me the details.

I think the reason behind this was so I could not pass his details on to the CMS.

I am sure I was painted as the unreasonable one in his eyes. I just choose not to engage. The kids were safe regardless of his poor parenting therefore legally I had little to challenge.

NoNever · 02/06/2021 15:42

He’s not refusing to let the mother know where her child is because of privacy, he’s doing it to punish her and let her know who’s in control. It’s abusive and cruel.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 15:46

@NoNever

He’s not refusing to let the mother know where her child is because of privacy, he’s doing it to punish her and let her know who’s in control. It’s abusive and cruel.

It is not abusive to not give out your private details.

Apparently SHE has been abusive. You must have overlooked that.

sassbott · 02/06/2021 16:37

What a load of judgemental comments.

Op bluntly? Dont concern yourself with his arrangements with his ex.

I’d also be intensely grateful that you have a husband who is prepared to put in boundaries with someone who cannot respect them and by proxy protect you and your peaceful life. Read some of the threads on here re men who are completely unable to do so and allow conflict from the ex to wreak havoc in their existing relationships.

Legally he does not to give your address to her.
I don’t blame him for telling her about your new house - this can send conflict sky high with exes.
He is also correct in so much that whatever he does with his daughter in his time is absolutely none of her business. Does she give him blow by blow details of what she does? I bet she doesn’t.

Either way, it’s not your problem. Let him deal with it.

FishyFriday · 02/06/2021 16:46

I agree with @sassbott. Leave it to your husband. It's his ex and, therefore, his problem. It's actually a good thing that he's putting the boundaries he feels are necessary in place so it doesn't affect you and your child.

I do wonder how he makes arrangements without giving her his number. That seems unworkable difficult. But it's his problem.

I just wouldn't worry about any of it myself.

NoNever · 02/06/2021 17:02

I’m sure you’d be thrilled to leave your child in the care of someone who is refusing to let you know where they will be or give you a number where they could be reached even in case of emergency.

There is no good reason for such behaviour. It’s only purpose is to cause stress, worry and anxiety in the mothers heart to punish her for not falling in line with the dad’s wants when even his wife admits he “reacts badly.”

WrongWayApricot · 02/06/2021 17:14

I think you already know it's not on from the tone of your post. And I'm sure you'd hate not knowing where your son was, no matter how legal it is.

sassbott · 02/06/2021 17:16

@NoNever then the mother can file an application with the family courts and ask for this and more. Just like many NRP’s have to do. It’s not rocket science and what that avenue is available for.
Or she could attempt mediation.

However maybe the RP would prefer not do so if she has infact been abusive and there are many recorded incidents of her doing so. Because let me tell you this, no judge would turn a blind eye to blatantly abusive messages etc.

BlueDucky · 02/06/2021 17:24

Their daughter will slowly feed the information back to her anyway. It's cruel to not let the daughter know where she is.

OwlTwitterings · 02/06/2021 17:29

I’d say that it sounds as if they are as bad as each other. She sends abusive messages so he withholds information in retaliation etc. I’d leave him to it but I suspect all of you, especially hour DSD, would be far happier if there was an amicable relationship in place.

Bibidy · 02/06/2021 17:34

Tbh I think it completely depends on the reasons why he doesn't want to give her his address or phone number. It sounds like they are very high conflict, so if she is likely to show up on the doorstep or send him abuse/call him unnecessarily then I don't really think he's done anything wrong as long, as she does have another way to contact him if necessary.

I know a lot of people with high conflict exes either have a dedicated email address which they use for communication about the children only, or a separate phone which they only use for this purpose.

KylieKoKo · 02/06/2021 17:36

I think you should stay out of it to be honest. It's for your partner and his ex gyo sort out. If he is a reasonable man I imagine that his ex must have behaved pretty badly for him to reach this point.

SickOfCrap · 02/06/2021 17:39

He's 1000% right when it comes to her not knowing anything about your lives. However, his address and phone number must be accessible to her, considering her child will be there and there might be an emergency that she might need to talk to him regarding the kid.

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