How much do you have to tell the ex about your life now ?

[Harpergirl166]

Hi everyone.

Bit of back story I am a step mum to a 9 year old girl and a mum to my three year old boy with my husband . Married for 5 years to my husband. The relationship between my husband and ex is strained at best. It goes from zero communication because of a big falling out to arguments over boundaries and what's being going on in respective homes. I try my hardest to stay out it as life's way too short to spend it in an ongoing war. My husband and I have a nice life together all in all and he's now taken the position that he can't be bothered to deal with the abusive messages and phone calls and simply ignores his ex completely he hasn't always been innocent and can react badly if he feels the ex has crossed the line , he hasn't always taken the high road. He feels she needs to know absolutely nothing regarding his time with his daughter and absolutely nothing when it comes to his life as this is usually what triggers her. We had a holiday planned without the dsd before covid and it's been moved and moved and he hasn't told her, we are moving house soon ( waiting on exchange of contracts) he will not give her his address and is very firm about it. He has also changed his number and will not share it. I have stayed quiet but is this too far or a case of our life we live it as we like now ?

It's not knowing the ins and outs of your exs life knowing their address and contact information when the child is with them.
It's something schools or any minder will have and they have no PR.
It's basic information.
It's really sad when there are no safety concerns that people are that childish that they play silly games like that.

Your right it is sad when the ex partner isn't interested in moving on, poisons her child and is intent on causing trouble and problems for her ex and his new partner. But in these situations you have to protect yourself and that is what the OPs partner is doing. I do not need to know my stepdaughters address to safeguard her and keep her safe as much as her mother has any right to mine.

Honestly my DHs ex has behaved appallingly at times but she doesn't effect our safety so she is welcome to basic information such as where her child is staying.
If there is no threat then there is no need to withhold it.
It's childish and petty.
I would always want to know the whereabouts of my child like any decent parent would.
As I say it's basic.

if my DPs ex was in a serious car accident and incapacitated my DP wouldn't know until someone within her family who would be next of kin or emergency contact (say her mother, sister new DP) would let him know via MIL. It really isn't such an issue is it?

It’s potentially problematic in life and death situations and being able to say goodbye. Particularly an issue for the children. I have my ex in my phone as ‘ex husband’ and ‘father of my children’ and he is listed as ICE2 as well - sod all to do with him and everything to do with the children who if not with me, are probably with him. The issue with knowing where your children are is an important one for many reasons but mainly for the unforeseeable and unpredictable.

As the ex you don't get to know the ins and outs of your EXs life under the guise of the best 'for the children'

Come on...Address and phone number is hardly the ins and outs is it now. That's just basic information.

It's not unreasonable to exchange such information, unless your Ex is dangerous.

@SandyY2K

As the ex you don't get to know the ins and outs of your EXs life under the guise of the best 'for the children'

Come on...Address and phone number is hardly the ins and outs is it now. That's just basic information.

It's not unreasonable to exchange such information, unless your Ex is dangerous.

email works

@SandyY2K I don't understand why it would be needed we manage perfectly well without hers and her without ours. Even in an emergency there are other people to contact. If DPs ex was in a serious accident and incapacitated she wouldn't want him called she would have other people who are actually her next of kin. I have a good relationship with my exH but if I were in a serious accident and incapacitated my DP is next of kin and then my mother both of whom are more than capable of informing my exH why is that any different for DPs ex? We don't know where DSD lives her home address or her mums phone number we manage perfectly well. Even when we needed to get DSD out of hours medical help (non urgent) we managed to do so without needing this information.

Why should I let a toxic trouble maker into my life by giving them 'basic' information which unfortunately leads to abuse by telephone, text, stalking my house, accusations about me and my children? I forget I'm a second class citizen now I'm a stepmother as are my children we must all bow to the stepchild and do all her mother asks regardless of the impact on my mental health my children's and my DPs that that may cause 🙄

The non sharing of information works for us and many many others. It's not unnusual.

The child is 9 years old and can communicate with her mother without the fathers input. The fact she has her own phone is great.

I think she will find out about the new address and doesn’t need to know from him directly.

Communication via email is probably best too... the older his daughter gets the less communication they need.

Their relationship sounds very toxic I can understand why he wants to min. Contact. Life is too short

What an awful (yet uncommon) situation to be in. I hope their daughter isn't caught in the middle of all this hostility. When you say he hasn't always been innocent .... does this mean he cheated ? Might explain her attitude (apologies if not).

*common

"Why should I let a toxic trouble maker into my life by giving them 'basic' information which unfortunately leads to abuse by telephone, text, stalking my house, accusations about me and my children? I forget I'm a second class citizen now I'm a stepmother as are my children we must all bow to the stepchild and do all her mother asks regardless of the impact on my mental health my children's and my DPs that that may cause 🙄"

If she's stalking then thats a matter of safety isn't it so if she is a threat in that way then I understand why you wouldn't want her to have your address as I previously stated it's basic information if the person isn't a threat to safety.
It's not ok to stalk so in your case I understand @Vie8126

I would not give my address or phone number to someone who was likely to show up on my doorstep or send me abusive messages, regardless of whether they were my child's other parent.

I would communicate via email only, checking once a day so that they weren't able to constantly invade my headspace. I have read of many situations where this is the case when it comes to high conflict ex relationships.

When children are old enough to have their own phone, there is your means of contact in an emergency. They will have both parents' numbers. Before they are old enough, contacting another member of ex's family should be sufficient to get hold of ex if needed.

I would communicate via email only, checking once a day so that they weren't able to constantly invade my headspace

What happens if your child is seriously ill in hospital and the other parent can't get hold of you? My youngest had a life-changing diagnosis a few years ago and for a short but important time it was touch and go as to whether he would live. My ex won't answer the phone to me - it's a control thing, not because I am in anyway difficult or abusive or anything else. Our son wanted him at the hospital. He didn't answer and I was initially reluctant to leave a message with the diagnosis and a request to attend because son was asking for him. But in the end, I had no choice. He went nuts that I hadn't bothered to tell him face to face. Can't win!

@Getawaywithit

I would communicate via email only, checking once a day so that they weren't able to constantly invade my headspace

What happens if your child is seriously ill in hospital and the other parent can't get hold of you? My youngest had a life-changing diagnosis a few years ago and for a short but important time it was touch and go as to whether he would live. My ex won't answer the phone to me - it's a control thing, not because I am in anyway difficult or abusive or anything else. Our son wanted him at the hospital. He didn't answer and I was initially reluctant to leave a message with the diagnosis and a request to attend because son was asking for him. But in the end, I had no choice. He went nuts that I hadn't bothered to tell him face to face. Can't win!

I am sorry that your ex has chosen to do this when your situation doesn't necessitate it. As I said, I would only refuse to give these details if my ex's behaviour gave me a reason to do this and it was essential for my own piece of mind. Which it genuinely is for many people who are dealing with exes who constantly send abuse or would show up banging on their front door. And it sounds like this is the case for OP's DH.

In an emergency, I would either use the child's phone (if they had one) to call the other parent, or I would agree with one of their relatives/close friends that I'd be calling them in an emergency to alert the other parent/give me the number. I would expect them to do similar the other way round.

Quite honestly, I would probably save their number on my own phone just in case of emergency, but I just wouldn't let them have mine if they were likely to misuse it.

@Vie8126

@SandyY2K I don't understand why it would be needed we manage perfectly well without hers and her without ours.

My point was that a phone number and address is not knowing the ins and outs of your Ex partner's life, as a pp said.

It's basic contact information that people like my window cleaner has.

Why should I let a toxic trouble maker into my life by giving them 'basic' information which unfortunately leads to abuse by telephone, text, stalking my house, accusations about me and my children?

Like I said, if you're dealing with a dangerous person that's a different situation.

I forget I'm a second class citizen now I'm a stepmother as are my children we must all bow to the stepchild and do all her mother asks regardless of the impact on my mental health my children's and my DPs that that may cause

See it's this kind of statement that sounds ridiculous. How does having contact information equate to bowing to the asks of an Ex? How does that make you a second class citizen?

Your situation of accusations and stalking is different. Stalking is a criminal offence, so off course nobody would want a stalker knowing where they lived.

Why should I let a toxic trouble maker into my life by giving them 'basic' information which unfortunately leads to abuse by telephone, text, stalking my house, accusations about me and my children?

Like I said, if you're dealing with a dangerous person that's a different situation.

In fairness though, most (and I know there are exceptions) people would not think of withholding this information from their ex unless they had a reason to. So yes your address and phone number is basic info that anyone else might have, but I can understand why people don't want to give it to someone who they know will blow up their phone with nasty messages or show up on the doorstep demanding to collect the kids earlier than planned, or whatever.

OP's DH and his ex clearly don't get along at all and are antagonistic towards each other. I think it's reasonable to assume he has a reason not to want her to be able to contact/see him whenever she wishes, and I think he's OK to make that decision.

I don't blame him for being cautious.

What happens if your child is seriously ill in hospital and the other parent can't get hold of you?

Exactly. You're hardly in a place to start emailing in an emergency, but if they don't get contacted, so be it.

Our son wanted him at the hospital. He didn't answer and I was initially reluctant to leave a message with the diagnosis and a request to attend because son was asking for him.

At least you had his number. In hindsight perhaps a text saying EMERGENCY please call me, would have done the trick.

In fairness though, most (and I know there are exceptions) people would not think of withholding this information from their ex unless they had a reason to.

Some people do it for control and to be difficult, so I guess that's their reason. People are strange.

We're not talking about Exes Co-Parenting though are we ?

We're talking about an Abusive Ex, who continues to abuse .. right?

If this was a Mother trying to protect herself from an Ex who still abuses her via phone text turning up at the door? the responses would be so different ...

@BlueButtercups

We're not talking about Exes Co-Parenting though are we ?

We're talking about an Abusive Ex, who continues to abuse .. right?

Exactly.

If people treat others poorly and abuse means of communication then the other person is within their rights to withdraw that method of comms.

It is quite unlikely that there would be an emergency which required both parents immediately, and even if there was, as long as they each have a designated 'contact' on the other's side - often an ex in-law - they will still be able to reach the other.

"he hasn't always been innocent and can react badly if he feels the ex has crossed the line , he hasn't always taken the high road."

Both sound as bad as each other to me...

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"he hasn't always been innocent and can react badly if he feels the ex has crossed the line , he hasn't always taken the high road."

Both sound as bad as each other to me...

So keep communications safe..

use Email 🌸

To keep communications 'safe' you would be assuming that there was someone that needed protecting.
It seems in this scenario at the OPs admittance her DH is just as bad..
Just pointing it out as some people are getting a little carried away with the scenario of the abusive ex.
Quite clearly it's not the case.

They both need to grow up and start thinking about the actual child they have created instead of their own egos.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

To keep communications 'safe' you would be assuming that there was someone that needed protecting. It seems in this scenario at the OPs admittance her DH is just as bad.. Just pointing it out as some people are getting a little carried away with the scenario of the abusive ex. Quite clearly it's not the case.

They both need to grow up and start thinking about the actual child they have created instead of their own egos.

If they are both as bad as each other - which it does sound like they can be - then there is even more value in keeping it to essential comms via email. It's a toxic relationship and best kept to a minimum.

As long as there is a method of communication for essentials, which there is, then that is sufficient and probably better for everyone involved.