Page 2 | How much do you have to tell the ex about your life now ?

Harpergirl166 · 2021-06-02T11:39:25+00:00

Hi everyone. Bit of back story I am a step mum to a 9 year old girl and a mum to my three year old boy with my husband . Married for 5 years to my husband. The relationship between my husband and ex is strained at best. It goes from zero communication because of a big falling out to arguments over boundaries and what's being going on in respective homes. I try my hardest to stay out it as life's way too short to spend it in an ongoing war. My husband and I have a nice life together all in all and he's now taken the position that he can't be bothered to deal with the abusive messages and phone calls and simply ignores his ex completely he hasn't always been innocent and can react badly if he feels the ex has crossed the line , he hasn't always taken the high road. He feels she needs to know absolutely nothing regarding his time with his daughter and absolutely nothing when it comes to his life as this is usually what triggers her. We had a holiday planned without the dsd before covid and it's been moved and moved and he hasn't told her, we are moving house soon ( waiting on exchange of contracts) he will not give her his address and is very firm about it. He has also changed his number and will not share it. I have stayed quiet but is this too far or a case of our life we live it as we like now ?

Bibidy · 02/06/2021 17:40

Also re the address, I don't think it's a big deal. She obviously doesn't need it otherwise she'd have it, clearly drop offs are done elsewhere.

I don't think my DP's ex has our address as they always meet halfway for drop-off/pick-up so she has never needed it and has never asked for it, he would give it to her if she asked but they are amicable and she would never show up on our doorstep.

BlueDucky · 02/06/2021 17:42

The stepdaughter won't know their own address though? That's a bit odd once they get to a certain age. Unless they never stay at dads

AlmostSummer21 · 02/06/2021 17:49

He needs to grow up and learn how to set boundaries, not just say 'I'm not telling you na na na na na'

In your situation I'd be telling him exactly that.

His daughters mother deserves a contact phone number & the address where her daughter is. If she makes a pest of herself he needs to deal with each incident, not behave like a child.

He's not being brave/manly/whatever he thinks, he's being a childish twat.

Couldn't fancy that.

Also is this how you want to be treat if you break up?

Original poster

Harpergirl166 · 02/06/2021 17:54

Email is the only way he is willing to communicate now. He doesn't care if his daughter tells her where we live its more the fact that she gets dust from him. DSD has a phone so he calls his daughter directly. I was worried the ex could take us to court or something over withdrawing so much. But it seems within his right so that's good

OP posts:

mamaoffourdc · 02/06/2021 17:58

Poor poor step child 😔

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/06/2021 18:17

@mamaoffourdc

Poor poor step child 😔

Why?

SandyY2K · 03/06/2021 01:16

The other thing I was going to say, is this gives you an insight into how he could behaviour if you split up....and you have a child together.

Only you know if all the issues are down to his Ex, or if he's a difficult character too.

Original poster

Harpergirl166 · 03/06/2021 05:31

I don't think it gives me insight, firstly we'd be divorcing not breaking up. He and the ex never married and were together for the duration of her pregnancy and 6 months after. It was a case of try for the baby but it fell apart very quickly. Husband stayed involved throughout. To be honest , he sticks up for his family , he sticks up for me and right now he's done with all the crap that came with open communication and he's fiercely protective. I am proud of that he just has hit below the belt at times. And I thought she ( the ex) got the reaction she wanted from her goading.

OP posts:

alwayswrighty · 03/06/2021 05:39

You said your SC has a phone so he has contact with then that way, and I assume vice versa could occur if there was an emergency on his time with them. I see no issue. In fact I understand why he's done it after receiving the latest vile email from my ex as it protects the mind

alwayswrighty · 03/06/2021 05:39

*them not then

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/06/2021 06:01

I don't care how unreasonable he is or she is. A parent deserves to know where their child is, even if the child is with the other parent.
So, unless they meet up at a contact center, each parent should know the other's address and have a way to contact them - phone or email.
If one parent abuses the privacy of the other, then take them to court for stalking, etc.

sassbott · 03/06/2021 06:11

@GeorgiaGirl52 and why should the mother not take him to court to disclose this info?

The double standards on this thread are astounding. If this was a woman writing this about a man, she’d be told to do whatever it took to protect herself and her children. And not disclose anything to an abusive man. But now this is a man? Oh that’s fine. He can take her to court for stalking.

Do you know how hard it is to progress criminal charges against someone when it is conflict re a child? Super hard. Police tend to refer to family courts. The process there is super long and stressful. Family courts dismiss bat shit crazy behaviour all the time and put it down ‘anxiety’ or some other rubbish.
So if this man is being abused, why wouldn’t he just withhold info and protect himself and his family?

Theunamedcat · 03/06/2021 06:33

Childrens services told my ex husband I absolutely needed to know the address he took our children to unless he could prove i was actually harassing him at that address? Of course he couldn't all his waffle about me driving past day and night fell apart when they pointed out I was at work or at home with the kids plus how could I be driving past if I didn't actually know where he lived....

You say they have both behaved badly in the past this sounds like more of the same he should however give her a number to contact him on in case of emergency they share a child

Bibidy · 03/06/2021 12:08

@AlmostSummer21

He needs to grow up and learn how to set boundaries, not just say 'I'm not telling you na na na na na'

In your situation I'd be telling him exactly that.

His daughters mother deserves a contact phone number & the address where her daughter is. If she makes a pest of herself he needs to deal with each incident, not behave like a child.

He's not being brave/manly/whatever he thinks, he's being a childish twat.

Couldn't fancy that.

Also is this how you want to be treat if you break up?

I feel like he has set his boundaries though. He communicates with his ex via email about their child, and that is his boundary. He doesn't need to provide his address or phone number.

Ex has a way to contact him and that's surely all that matters? This is not unusual at all in high conflict situations.

Hsjdb7483939 · 03/06/2021 12:15

In my opinion both parents should know where the child is - as in address of parent or where they are on holiday unless there are very good reasons (as in ex could turn up and be abusive). Other than that we don’t offer information about our lives; obviously told her when we were having DC but she doesn’t ask much and we don’t offer information; DSD probably tells her what she gets up to at ours but I don’t know how much she tells her.

Hsjdb7483939 · 03/06/2021 12:17

Just to add I wish we could change DHs number at times as many things have been ruined by her deciding to have a go whereas by communicating through email it gives a bit of control over when to engage in conversation. If she can call your DSDs phone then he’s not preventing contact between them. I do wonder what would happen if the ex needed to get hold of him in an emergency though

Original poster

Harpergirl166 · 03/06/2021 12:31

I think in emergency cases he'd contact the exes mum or go through his mum to contact her. In this day and age it's easy to get hold of someone. Or just use his daughters phone. I don't see it being impossible. But those are what if occurances. Week to week , month to month its very little engagement to none existant communication. And he is much happier I cannot deny that. I just don't want any court orders or repercussions

OP posts:

HotChocolateLover · 03/06/2021 12:40

@supadupapupascupa

Well unless he plans on never having his daughter at the new house then he is being very unreasonable not to give her the address. Of course she needs to know where her daughter is! What's the reason? It sounds childish to me...... What you have written does come accrued like his daughter is no longer welcome

We’ve never given the ex our address but DSS comes every fortnight. There’s just never been any need for her to have it. Maybe DSS has passed it on, who knows 🤷‍♀️

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 03/06/2021 13:39

I think he's unreasonable not disclosing his address to her unless she has threatened harm to him or threatened to do something to the house in regards to safety.
I know I would want to know where my kids are.
They both sound like they need to grow up to be honest.
Feel sorry for the kid.

Notaroadrunner · 03/06/2021 13:56

@Harpergirl166

Email is the only way he is willing to communicate now. He doesn't care if his daughter tells her where we live its more the fact that she gets dust from him. DSD has a phone so he calls his daughter directly. I was worried the ex could take us to court or something over withdrawing so much. But it seems within his right so that's good

Email is fine. Many women are advised to stick to email on MN. Why should it be different for a man. And as his dd has her own phone he can converse with her, though no doubt her mother will get the number from the dd. His ex does not need to be told about your holidays. She doesn't need to know about the house move as long as it's not miles away and affects dd's access. As you say, she'll find out when you've moved. He's right to keep her at arms length and only have contact if it's directly about dd.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2021 14:22

*I don't think it gives me insight, firstly we'd be divorcing not breaking up.(

Of course ...breaking up is much easier. No legalities, which make it less complex than divorce.

he sticks up for me and right now he's done with all the crap that came with open communication and he's fiercely protective. I am proud of that he just has hit below the belt at times. And I thought she ( the ex) got the reaction she wanted from her goading.

All is good then.
She has pushed him to it from what you say.

It will all be fine, until it's not.

Vie8126 · 03/06/2021 16:29

I don't see what the issue is here we have zero contact with DPs ex it all goes via MiL who makes the arrangement and does handovers due to high conflict. Ex does not have our address or my DPs new phone number. We have discussed changing the arrangements as MiL is now suffering from the conflict and what that will look like and we've discussed seperate phone, email etc. Why does his ex need to contact us in an emergency? If something happened to her whilst DSD was with us she can contact MiL she doesn't need to know where we live for that one. If DSD was involved in an emergency again she can contact MiL in exactly the same manner as she would contact DP (although she wouldn't bother doing that)

I have children from a previous marriage and yes I know where they go and how to Contact their dad but we don't have a high conflict relationship nor has either of us caused issues for the other. However if we did it wouldn't phase me to make alternative arrangements or withold information. The ex is not entitled to know everything about your life just because you had a child with them.

To the poster that mentioned about the police suggesting family court I can confirm that is ALL they do and state its a civil matter. Sometimes everyone's mental health needs protecting.

Op be thankful your DP is putting these measures in place to protect your family.

Theunamedcat · 03/06/2021 16:38

@Vie8126

I don't see what the issue is here we have zero contact with DPs ex it all goes via MiL who makes the arrangement and does handovers due to high conflict. Ex does not have our address or my DPs new phone number. We have discussed changing the arrangements as MiL is now suffering from the conflict and what that will look like and we've discussed seperate phone, email etc. Why does his ex need to contact us in an emergency? If something happened to her whilst DSD was with us she can contact MiL she doesn't need to know where we live for that one. If DSD was involved in an emergency again she can contact MiL in exactly the same manner as she would contact DP (although she wouldn't bother doing that)

I have children from a previous marriage and yes I know where they go and how to Contact their dad but we don't have a high conflict relationship nor has either of us caused issues for the other. However if we did it wouldn't phase me to make alternative arrangements or withold information. The ex is not entitled to know everything about your life just because you had a child with them.

To the poster that mentioned about the police suggesting family court I can confirm that is ALL they do and state its a civil matter. Sometimes everyone's mental health needs protecting.

Op be thankful your DP is putting these measures in place to protect your family.

Shift the extra is in a car crash with the child and is incapacitated the child has to say you need to call my nan to pass on a message? What if the child is seriously ill does that get passed on via email?

Getawaywithit · 03/06/2021 16:57

I think in emergency cases he'd contact the exes mum or go through his mum to contact her. In this day and age it's easy to get hold of someone

And if it’s you having to do the contacting in an emergency? Do you have access to her mum’s details? Should you have her mum’s details but she shouldn’t know where her child is staying? And no, it’s not always easy to get in contact with people nowadays.

I get there are two sides to this. I trust your DP is happy to not know where his child is when mum moves? Because she will if she can and you will have no leg to stand on. What are the potential consequences of that?

My ex tried this with me. No reason. Just amused him to control me. Solicitor said of three local judges, 2 would order he gave his address. The other she felt there was a 95% certainty he would be ordered to give over his address.

Vie8126 · 03/06/2021 18:43

@theunamedcat if my DPs ex was in a serious car accident and incapacitated my DP wouldn't know until someone within her family who would be next of kin or emergency contact (say her mother, sister new DP) would let him know via MIL. It really isn't such an issue is it? What's to say she hasn't moved on with her life? If I was in a car accident it wouldn't be me contacting my ex DP anyway. We have children together our best interests are our children we don't need to constantly update on our lives or ensure they are interwoven. What if we had a non molestation against his ex we woukdnt be able to contact her then and I'm sure any emergency or contingency would work just as well as what the OPs DP is proposing. As the ex you don't get to know the ins and outs of your EXs life under the guise of the best 'for the children'