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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help!! Feeling shell shocked

69 replies

ilovebrie8 · 21/05/2021 23:25

My long term partner has a troublesome ex. Split long long time ago way before I met him. She isn’t happy that he’s happy and if she can’t have him no one can. They have a child she’s a teenager. She’s doesn’t like me but she doesn’t know me, mum has poisoned her basically as child has no reason to not like me. A family zoom call and ex came on she has no place but she was there and made a fuss that I was on. My partner said best I leave as ex and daughter are angry and not happy I’m on the call 😞. I was upset and hurt, doesn’t add up to me. Things then get lots worse. He text ex saying she shouldn’t be joining family calls and all hell broke loose...the daughter rang who has a heck of a lot to stay and started saying all sorts nasty about me like a volcano erupting! Basically he is allowing me to be pushed out talked horrendously badly about and I’ve done nothing wrong ...it’s not acceptable. The ex is a piece of work rough and aggressive...this isn’t my world! I am shell shocked 😮 and don’t know what to do...it’s like a scene from Jeremy Kyle ! He didn’t stick up for me ...too scared to offend them it seems ...

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 22/05/2021 21:53

OP, there is no reasoning with people when they are hell bent on expressing their irrational views and add emotional immaturity to the mix and you have the perfect storm. There was no defense that your husband could have offered on your behalf to which they would have listened or responded positively. He did the right thing in asking you to leave the call. You were the only aspect of the unpleasantness over which he had any control. Assumedly, everyone else on the call knows both you and the circumstances surrounding your relationship. No defense was needed or warranted.

Your step daughter and your husband might both apologize to the others, but in all likelihood none of those people will want to prolong this unfortunate event through further discussion.

Your husband has no control over his daughter's opinions and thoughts. He cannot punish or discipline her into good behavior or agreeable thoughts. What the both of you can do is to make sure that the daughter is not to be in your presence, and that seems to be the case in most instances

She is angry with her father and does not like you. There is nothing that you can do in the short term to impact or change the situation.

Your husband probably loves his daughter and has decided that a fractured relationship is preferable to no relationship.

For you, no relationship is probably the best course of action. Let him visit her in her city and you enjoy the peace and serenity in your home. I would nor inquire about her nor would I initiate any discussions about her or her mother. "Out of sight, out of mind" would become my mantra. No one can live in your head if you do not open the door to them.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2021 00:57

It was a bad idea of your DP to get his daughters on the call, knowing she doesn't like you. I don't think he thought it through.

jimmyjammy001 · 23/05/2021 01:40

As every other poster has said, move on, this is part and parcel of dealing with step children and ready made families, find someone at the same stage in life as your self (no kids) and your relationship will be much easier to work out longterm

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 08:57

@jimmyjammy001

Whilst I agree with your sentiment, this is definitely not a "ready made family".

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 09:22

@Tiredoftattler thanks that makes a lot of sense I appreciate it and is what I’m going to do. All of a sudden the daughter has become very nasty and abusive probably her mother behind it...she’s changed in a really bad confrontational way. It was like what you see on Jeremy Kyle the verbal abuse hurled at me and aggression from mother and daughter. I’m not used to that I grew up in a very respectful family. My partner has since told me they also sent a nasty text about me to his phone which he deleted and didn’t want me to see ...it wasn’t like this previously. Now it’s like a war against me...since we were on the video and they both saw me sat with my partner. It’s madness...

OP posts:

WildfirePonie · 23/05/2021 09:31

And there wasn't a 'kick' option from the host side to boot them off the call?

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 09:44

@aSofaNearYou thanks it’s not a ready made family ...

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Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 09:51

He didn’t want to cut his daughter off...the mum crashed it and sat alongside the daughter. She shouldn’t be involved. After the video call ended they rang and it really took a turn for the worse as the mum didn’t accept she shouldn’t be on the call alongside the daughter ...it got extremely heated and abusive! Like I’ve never encountered ever I was very shaken up and 😢

OP posts:

CagneyNYPD · 23/05/2021 09:52

You are understandably upset and in shock about what has happened. Give yourself some time to process what has happened, don't make any rash decisions.

You may think that all of this has come out of the blue, but I suspect that ill feeling has been simmering on your SD's side for some time. It may well be unfounded and unfair, you have no way of knowing.

Your DP is stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is no real way of repairing all of this as the problems with the ex go way back. But you can take control of this situation by redrawing your boundaries.

Think about what you want moving forward. It would be perhaps wise to suggest to your DP that you support him in his relationship with his DD but it would be best if he does not involve you in any way.

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 10:01

Thanks @cagneyNYPD I don’t know what to do right now, I sure as hell don’t want a repeat performance. It’s totally shaken me up the aggression and language from the daughter she’s turned into a monster. I can’t believe she thinks it’s ok to use bad language to adults I can’t get it out my head her attitude and the sheer venom. I don’t want to tell my family as they’ll be horrified ...hence my posting on here. 😞

OP posts:

CagneyNYPD · 23/05/2021 10:15

@ilovebrie8 right now, do nothing. Concentrate on having a nice Sunday with your DP. Try not to keep going over it in your head.

But, I say this kindly, try not to blame your SD. She is still a child and is the product of her upbringing. It doesn't really matter what you wouldn't have said or done as a teenager. You may well have had a far more stable childhood than your SD. Your SD is a victim too in this whole mess between your DP and his ex.

Take a massive step back from the whole situation and while I understand that you are cross, be cross at the adults involved, not the child.

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 10:29

@CagneyNYPD I think the daughter is being driven by the mother hence her behaviour...and the mother is a piece of work to put it mildly. The mother is using the daughter to make trouble and knows it’s putting my partner in a v tricky position...as he isn’t defending me. It’s just horrible all round. I absolutely hear what you are saying but we aren’t dealing with normal, sane people here...the ex is psycho and unfortunately the daughter has changed beyond recognition. She seemed fine before 😞. But all hell has broken loose. Nasty text too which was so horrible he didn’t let me read it name calling and threats apparently

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CagneyNYPD · 23/05/2021 10:59

@ilovebrie8 it is clearly a very difficult situation. But the good thing is that you recognise that this is not really coming from our SD but from the adult(s) around her. This will be important for you to hold onto. Your SD is at a very difficult, impressionable age.

But this is not your mess to fix. If you choose to stay in the e relationship with your DP, you have every right to do so without having any relationship with our SD. It will be difficult and messy at times. But it may be the only way forward. What does your DP think?

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 23/05/2021 11:50

He is going to speak to them face to face next weekend when he sees the daughter

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 24/05/2021 08:52

Op, teen years is often the stage when the anger appears and it's unlikely to get better.

How is she getting on at school? Is your dp in the loop with updates.

If her anger is driven by irrational anger its unlikely that she will calm down. Your dp can suggest counselling, joint or solo for his daughter but often this behaviour, by teen years, is ingrained.

I aware of someone similar and from mid teens she explodes, usually without warning, often perceived slights that others would judge as minor. After she calms down she just continues as normal, whereas everyone else is shaken up. She is now an adult and does this with family and others. Her separated parents both have personality disorders so I suspect they are genetic and environmental factors.

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 24/05/2021 16:26

Thanks @Fireflygal she seems very angry and confrontational...it’s scary to her and see.

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Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 24/05/2021 16:31

Hear and see I meant

OP posts:

Waiting423 · 24/05/2021 16:45

I think for now you do nothing . Minimise contact between yourself and the DD and her mother - let your partner see his daughter - but you don’t need to be involved.

I don’t really agree with the posters saying you have a DP problem . It sounds like he’s very much stuck in the middle - and the DD/mum are just completely out of order .

Next time there is a family call though he should not be inviting DD on to it . If he wants DD to have contact with family members then he needs to invite them into a call when he’s zooming his daughter .

DD will grow up , will probably move out of home and may improve … I’d wait it out .

Original poster

ilovebrie8 · 24/05/2021 19:16

Thanks @Waiting423 I’m going to do nothing for now see how it’s plays out ...trying to not dwell on it for my mental health’s sake. They are so out of order and I don’t want that near me...I’m keeping well away from them as they aren’t rational

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