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Original poster

Help!! Feeling shell shocked

69 replies

ilovebrie8 · 21/05/2021 23:25

My long term partner has a troublesome ex. Split long long time ago way before I met him. She isn’t happy that he’s happy and if she can’t have him no one can. They have a child she’s a teenager. She’s doesn’t like me but she doesn’t know me, mum has poisoned her basically as child has no reason to not like me. A family zoom call and ex came on she has no place but she was there and made a fuss that I was on. My partner said best I leave as ex and daughter are angry and not happy I’m on the call 😞. I was upset and hurt, doesn’t add up to me. Things then get lots worse. He text ex saying she shouldn’t be joining family calls and all hell broke loose...the daughter rang who has a heck of a lot to stay and started saying all sorts nasty about me like a volcano erupting! Basically he is allowing me to be pushed out talked horrendously badly about and I’ve done nothing wrong ...it’s not acceptable. The ex is a piece of work rough and aggressive...this isn’t my world! I am shell shocked 😮 and don’t know what to do...it’s like a scene from Jeremy Kyle ! He didn’t stick up for me ...too scared to offend them it seems ...

OP posts:
Azerothi · 21/05/2021 23:31

Do you and this current boyfriend live together? If you do, why was he telling you to leave? Leave what?

LouiseTrees · 21/05/2021 23:32

He told her not to join the calls and he can’t help what the teen says. He can refute it though by telling her it’s not true and she shouldn’t speak about you like that and rather than you leaving the family call you both ( you and him) could have left.

TiltTopTable · 21/05/2021 23:35

Well you put it perfectly yourself "this is not my world". Tough I know, but it will never get better and I'd walk away if I were you.

RealisticSketch · 21/05/2021 23:40

He is in a difficult position of the DD lives with her mum. They are effectively holding her to ransom that if he doesn't keep the peace the cost is his relationship with his daughter.
This unequal power dynamic is horrid if the person holding all the cards is nasty. Or seems he is a committed father who is placing a priority on his dad which does he's a good man. But he's stuck between a rock and a hard place as it means keeping you at a distance from them.
It could be that he could stand his ground more and by not doing he is being too soft. Or it could be he knows them very well and knows that in the long run not enclosing the situation is more likely to lead to a better result.
If I was him I don't know how I would square that circle. Hope that my partner understood there was an area of my life they couldn't be involved in maybe. They've got him by the short and curlies haven't they though if they are going to close ranks against you and he isn't the resident parent.
I think large doses of compassion from you for his position would be fair and realistic. But equally if your needs from a partner cannot be fulfilled by a man in his situation maybe this isn't for you.
It is reasonable to wasn't him to stand by your side as much as he can but if he's dealing with irrational people what can be do? I feel sorry for him that his ex actively is angry he might be happy.

RealisticSketch · 21/05/2021 23:41

Auto correct is not my friend there. It's DD not dad for a start!

RealisticSketch · 21/05/2021 23:42

Enclosing = enflaming

Guavafish · 22/05/2021 00:25

Best thing you can do is ignore both the mother and the daughter. They both sound toxic!

If you can keep your relationship with your partner and that of his daughter as separate as possible.

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 22/05/2021 00:41

Please don’t ask your partner to chose between you and his child.

And if you do, and he does chose you, you’ve been dealt a losing hand.

This isn’t a “he didn’t have my back” situation

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2021 00:42

Stop wasting your time and move on.

UhtredRagnarson · 22/05/2021 00:46

Well tbh I don’t understand why you were on the family call when you say the ex has no place to be on it.

That aside- this doesn’t sound like it will be a happy relationship for you. I’d probably cut my losses and leave.

Divineswirls · 22/05/2021 00:49

Why were you on their family call - that's so weird.

Maggiesfarm · 22/05/2021 00:49

How 'long term' is your long term partner and do you live together?

Your partner probably just wanted to keep the peace for his daughter's sake and it wouldn't have been for long.

I don't understand the ex's resentment towards you as you didn't get together with him until long after they had split. She is unreasonable to feel that way (not that feelings have to always be reasonable and are very often not).

bubblebath62636 · 22/05/2021 00:56

Op I'd seriously re think this relationship. No matter how much you love this man this is no way to be treated.

You don't want to look back in decades to come and realise you could of been so much happier

BluePeterVag · 22/05/2021 01:03

Fuck ‘em. Far too much drama that will never go away. There could be grandchildren in the future who are against you. You get one shot at life, why waste it with toxic situations. He can’t choose between you and his daughter, and shouldn’t have to, just as you shouldn’t have to put up with this. Move on.

excelledyourself · 22/05/2021 01:16

Maybe I've misunderstood, but what do you mean by "family call"? I assumed you meant, you, DP and DSD. But you said DSD doesn't like you, but doesn't know you, so why were you on a call with her?

Malena77 · 22/05/2021 02:32

I assume that by saying ‘a family call’ you mean a call with several members of your DP’s family (parents, sisters, maybe their partners, too etc) and you were present there as his partner, invited to join the conversation in. His ex was not invited.
If so, it was your DP’s responsibility to manage the situation. He should have stood up for you and tell ex to leave the call.
And he should have terminated the subsequent call with his daughter the moment she started saying abusive things about you.
Be careful how you proceed with this relationship. You have a DP problem.

SD1978 · 22/05/2021 03:20

If the daughter dislikes you- and you're not too bothered by her- why would you be on a zoom call between her and her dad? Neither adult female needed to be involved- juts dad and his daughter.

LuvMyBubbles · 22/05/2021 03:35

Leave.

Original poster
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 08:58

His family live abroad his mum and several of his siblings/their partners were on the call we’ve not seen them due to lockdown and I’m close with them. They wanted to see me and say hi. We were all talking and on the call then he invited his daughter on...but the mother came on too she can’t let go after many years. She uses the daughter as her trump card. Partner doesn’t want to upset daughter so I’m the one asked to leave. We live together have done for a long time I’m deeply upset. He should have told her to leave but didn’t, he text her after a polite text then hell was unleashed. The daughter rang she’s a mature teen and has a lot say I was utterly shell shocked the things she said and the language was so aggressive I can only describe like a very nasty scene from Jeremy Kyle. I’ve not slept and am deeply upset ...the daughter was so gobby sorry it’s only word I can use but she’s being fired up by her mum I reckon...am reeling ...

OP posts:
FijiCavanaugh · 22/05/2021 09:16

How often does she visit? As a mature teen, she will be an adult soon and that makes boundaries easier for you.

Original poster
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 09:37

The level of anger and vitriol by daughter and mother had shaken me...my partner tried to end the phone call as it was horrible but he didn’t want to just cut her off. The mum was in the background and she’s seriously unhinged and not normal...even in the call he didn’t stick up for me. He says he will deal with it face to face ...I have never in my life seen something like this ...i feel like I’ve been shredded ...he did say he’s tried to keep me away from them as they are trouble. But last night the 2 worlds collided and it was grotesque ...😞.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2021 09:38

Him asking you to leave would be the beginning of the end for me. She sounds awful and he sounds spineless. I would walk away from this mess.

vivainsomnia · 22/05/2021 09:38

She’s doesn’t like me
So it can easily be assumed that she would want to talk about what she’s up to and life to her dad without you there. Why would you want to join the conversation? It was quite obvious that would only make her resent you even more.

Frankly, I think it was a poorly thought through move and I can understand his dd being upset and her mum annoyed on her behalf. Not the best way to go to get her to know you better in a positive way.

RealisticSketch · 22/05/2021 09:39

She sounds very unpleasant. He doesn't have much leverage to influence their behaviour though. So can you be in the relationship knowing that you need to keep some distance between the DD and her mum?
Stay neutral and ignore? Manage the situation between you so that if there are any situations where she is going to be on the scene like this family call, you know in advance so it's not a surprise and you get time for those relationships before she comes along and you step away?
You don't sound happy, so maybe this is a deal breaker if you see this as being part of him. But if it is just the deeply unpleasant DD and ex then can you compartmentalise that and just manage the situation with planning?

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2021 09:40

So it can easily be assumed that she would want to talk about what she’s up to and life to her dad without you there. Why would you want to join the conversation? It was quite obvious that would only make her resent you even more.

Wtf? It wasn't a private chat it was a family catch up, a family into which OP is integrated and who all wanted her there. If his daughter wanted a private chat with him then inviting her to this was a bad idea, not OP being there. She had every right to be there.