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Help!! Feeling shell shocked

69 replies

ilovebrie8 · 21/05/2021 23:25

My long term partner has a troublesome ex. Split long long time ago way before I met him. She isn’t happy that he’s happy and if she can’t have him no one can. They have a child she’s a teenager. She’s doesn’t like me but she doesn’t know me, mum has poisoned her basically as child has no reason to not like me. A family zoom call and ex came on she has no place but she was there and made a fuss that I was on. My partner said best I leave as ex and daughter are angry and not happy I’m on the call 😞. I was upset and hurt, doesn’t add up to me. Things then get lots worse. He text ex saying she shouldn’t be joining family calls and all hell broke loose...the daughter rang who has a heck of a lot to stay and started saying all sorts nasty about me like a volcano erupting! Basically he is allowing me to be pushed out talked horrendously badly about and I’ve done nothing wrong ...it’s not acceptable. The ex is a piece of work rough and aggressive...this isn’t my world! I am shell shocked 😮 and don’t know what to do...it’s like a scene from Jeremy Kyle ! He didn’t stick up for me ...too scared to offend them it seems ...

OP posts:
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 09:42

They live in a different city he travels to see her every few weekends...i am quiet and reserved they are not is the politest way to put it ! He made a mistake v long time ago years before he met me...the mum is rough as...now teenage daughter has turned into a monster with her attitude ...

OP posts:
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 09:43

Thanks @aSofaNearYou that’s exactly it!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 09:47

I wouldn’t stay with someone so spineless and rude. No way. He’s prioritising his ex over you, his long term partner. Pathetic.

ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 09:48

@vivainsomnia have you read my posts it was a family catch up a family I’ve been part for ten plus years ...he invited daughter on to join it wasn’t a call between just them. Her mum joined as she is trouble and has no place in this at all. The daughter is a very mature teen with an attitude to match I’ve never heard anything like it in my life ...

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 22/05/2021 09:49

Oh OP, I'm sorry that happened. You must understand that it is not your problem. There is no-one on earth more toxic than a spiteful teenage stepdaughter.

All the rest of your Dp's family will understand that. Your dp was in an impossible situation, he loves his daughter and his ex manipulated a situation where she tried to force him to choose between you.

You have two choices, rise above it, earn the respect of the rest of the family and maintain your relationship or allow one phone call to destroy a long-standing relationship.
All you can do it tell your dp that you were hurt by his reaction but you understand the dynamics of what went on and you just want to forget about it. And next time organise separate calls so you can chat to his family separately.
Flowers

ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 09:54

Thanks @Mintjulia I’m a mess today haven’t slept and really shaken up. The daughter was very threatening and my partner seems unwilling to stand up to her or set boundaries. When I was her age I’d never have dared to speak to adults the way she does....

OP posts:
MangosteenSoda · 22/05/2021 09:57

Sounds like your OH hasn’t handled this well for years. It sounds like he never had overnights and only visited his DD every few weeks. It’s weird that you have been together for so long yet you barely know the daughter. I’m guessing she doesn’t know the rest of his family well either. Maybe she was jealous that you appear to be much more part of her dad’s family than she is.

He had his opportunity to play his part and do his share in bringing her up nicely, but didn’t. She’s always going to be part of his life though, so you need to decide if you want to navigate that.

Do you have any DC? I’m guessing no shared DC.

Mintjulia · 22/05/2021 10:00

My deep-shock moment was when ex-stepdaughter who was 19 at the time, spat in all the food I'd spent hours preparing for a dinner party.
I have no idea why they do it. A combination of being angry, going through that teenage pecking order thing, being spurred on by the angry ex. being envious of your established happy relationship. Who knows.
But it is absolutely not your problem. And your dp is probably agonising between concern for you, worry at his daughter's nasty behaviour, love for her, embarrassment in front of his family and anger at his ex.

Don't make any hasty decisions. Brew

Guavafish · 22/05/2021 10:09

The daughter and mother sound horrible

Just keep it separate and you shouldn’t have listened to the call. Your partner should have shielded you! Honestly don’t get involved for your own mental health sake.

vivainsomnia · 22/05/2021 10:20

My apology OP, I did miss that it was a larger family gathering.

It is indeed very odd that the mum would have joined in and for you OH to then tell you to leave. Why did he? Was it a special occasion, your dsd birthday or something? You can control the ex reaction but it’s your OH’s that was odd.

ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 10:22

Thanks she was ok when younger! It’s hell and I don’t want this for my life...am feeling broken today ...don’t know what to do as I can’t give this again. @MangosteenSoda I don’t have kids as I had fertility issues it’s not for want of trying believe me

OP posts:
lucy5236 · 22/05/2021 10:28

If you've been together 10+ years and your DPs 2 worlds are only just colliding now, I'm sensing there must be a lot more background here?

Surely he's not kept you apart that long. Particularly if you have been part of his wider family for 10'years. Do you not see his DD at family functions, weddings, christenings, big birthdays etc?

Cherry83 · 22/05/2021 10:39

OP I've been in a similar position in so far as my DH has an ExP who for 9 years after they split could not let go of him and controlled him in a way that was bewildering to witness. The happier we were and worse still if my DSC enjoyed spending time with us, the worse the fallout. She is a very vitriolic person, foul mouthed, appallingly behaved. On occasions I considered ending the marriage because of her and the fact DH would not stand up to her. BUT my DSC have never been an issue in this. They have always been polite and respectful.

I'm not sure I would have stayed if DH had not eventually stood up to her which, since he did, there has been no more drama and this is so much better for the DSC.

Your DP was completely out of order to ask you to leave the call. Utterly disrespectful to you and I would have felt humiliated in front of his family. He has shown you where you stand in terms and of how he views you. Not sure how he can excuse this or explain his reasoning behind it.

Incidentally, my DH drew up a parental agreement which amongst many other things stated that each parent should be allowed contact with DC by video call, phone etc without interference from the other parent.

Set your boundaries with your DP and if he cannot keep within them only you can decide whether it is worth continuing the relationship.

LindaEllen · 22/05/2021 10:45

@Divineswirls

Why were you on their family call - that's so weird.
Why is it weird?! I always go on calls when my partner is talking to his family (parents, siblings, their partners etc). I mean, you're kind of missing the point anyway.
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 10:49

@lucy5236 Colliding as in the mother involved with me directly on a call and a video. Daughter has stayed with us and all fine when she was much younger. Now she’s older and into mid teenage years it’s all changed ...his family live abroad and daughter not been at functions as mother won’t allow her unless she is invited and no one wants the mother as lot of bad history long before I was on the scene...

OP posts:
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 10:54

I’ve had a taster last night and don’t want a repeat. My partner I think is scared of his ex hence not dealing with her...he says they can make trouble her family ...as they are rough ....😞.that horrifies me plus the daughter and how nasty she’s become ...I’m v worried now

OP posts:
Malena77 · 22/05/2021 12:26

It all depends on how your OH will handle it from now on. If he’s unable to set firm boundaries with his daughter and state clearly that such behaviour will not be tolerated - I suggest you think long and hard about your future with this man.
It’s so frustrating reading about yet another relationship struggling because of a spineless man who parents out of fear.

Tiredoftattler · 22/05/2021 13:43

OP, it sounds like an unpleasant experience for you, and perhaps the take away is not to invite the daughter to join family calls. If your partner usually goes to visit her as opposed to her coming to visit you , it does not seem that you have much if any physical contact with the daughter. The family members on the call were well aware of the history and fractured relationships so it is unlikely that anyone was shocked. They may have been uncomfortable with having to witness the display and degree of anger but there were likely not surprised.

What exactly are you worried about at the moment? If you are fearful of some type of physical harm, perhaps you should seek advice from someone in your local law enforcement community.

It truly sounds as though you had a situation that was extremely embarrassing , but tbh it was your partner's lack of forethought that set this dynamic in play. If he goes to see his daughter in part as a way to avoid your having to interact with the daughter and the ex ,why would he think that they would be politely responsive to your virtual presence on a zoom call in which they had a much larger audience to whom they could vent their displeasure?

Essentially all that has happened is that everyone involved had a refresher course on why they have the feelings that they have about your partner's fractured situation.

His ex and his daughter are the same people today that they were the day before the zoom call and you were not fearing for your safety at that time so why are you feeling fearful now. Perhaps, you can console yourself with the thought that these women (ex and daughter) did not seek you out for this horrible experience , instead your partner brought you into their living room.

If any lesson can be learned from this unfortunate event it is that your practice if keeping a distance between you and then is wise . You are giving this unfortunate event a longer shelf life than it deserves. The daughter's actions simply confirmed that she is still very angry with her father, and the ex's behavior indicated to all in your viewing that her behaviour is unchanged .

Have your moment of embarrassment and then move on with your life. Neither you nor your partner have any control over the feelings that his daughter and her mom have about you. You do however have control over your exposure to both of them, and there is no need for you to have to ever see either of them. Your partner can continue to go to visit his daughter without you and you can advise him that you will not be taking part in any zoom calls in which he invites his daughter to participate.

If the ex truly wanted to harm you physically, she probably would not have waited more than 10+ years to do so The zoom call just provided opportunity and audience for her to rant.

Spandang · 22/05/2021 13:52

OP @Cherry83 is totally right here. I’ve had the same thing, unless your partner sets boundaries and sticks to them where his ex is concerned, literally nothing will change.

I’m sorry to say it but, I’ve had similar and DP had to stand up to her and say actually, it is none of your business and if you have a problem with it I suggest you go and tell someone else who cares.

It doesn’t get better the longer it goes on.

ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 17:06

I was so shocked and upset at the way the daughter turned at me on the video call made a face and said she wasn’t happy and was angry I was on the call...it was v rude. Then the phone call that followed was a foul mouth tirade by her and her mother against me ....like a volcano erupting ! I’ve never seen hostility like it or why it happened. My partner didn’t stick up for me. She’s turned very toxic the daughter and this is probably going to continue unless nipped in the bud...I’m confused and bewildered at the vitriol from the daughter totally uncalled for.

OP posts:
lucy5236 · 22/05/2021 17:18

It sounds like your DPs DD has very little contact with him and even less with you.

Sounds like it's her mum that's turned her against you and she's got no other experience to go by.

Ally001 · 22/05/2021 20:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

I wouldn’t stay with someone so spineless and rude. No way. He’s prioritising his ex over you, his long term partner. Pathetic.
Absolutely. I would have left there and then!
ilovebrie8 · 22/05/2021 20:27

I don’t know what to do ...am mulling it over. The teenage step daughter is acting so nasty and I’ve done nothing wrong. It was extremely abusive like a switch was flicked , it’s not all ok ...She is trouble now with a capital T !

OP posts:
belieb · 22/05/2021 20:29

Did they threaten you?

itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 20:37

What did his wider family do or say when the DD turned up - with her mother - and started this tirade of abuse and said you should leave?

I'm not surprised your upset. It's awful when people verbally attack you but even more so when it's so public and explosive you don't even see it coming.