Defensiveness over his kids

[tiredofthisshit21]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts. Not sure whether to put this in step-parenting or relationships. Have been with husband for 8 years, married for 3. He has one teen still at home and I have one about to leave for uni.

My issue is that every time I ask him to address something with his son it blows up into a huge row. This morning, I go downstairs to find that SS has left the fridge door wide open after getting out his packed lunch. He'd left the house 15 mins earlier so it had been open a while. Good job I was last to leave the house or it would have been open all day. This shit irritates me as his son walks round glued to his phone meaning he often forgets to do the most basic of things like flush the loo or close the fridge door after him. So I text him asking him to mention it. Short text, to the point. He accuses me of being aggressive (I wasn't) and said 'oh the door must have swung open, he wouldn't have left it open. Erm, that's not really how fridge doors work... Anyhow I call him to discuss and he just hangs up on me. Rude. So now the situation has escalated because he hasn't just dealt with it and moved on, and now I'm angry at him for hanging up on me.

This all sounds fairly minor and petty except it happens on a regular basis and I am worn down with it. So I either run round after his son making sure he's done the basic stuff he should just do, and bite my tongue so as to avoid a row, or I raise it and it escalates? What do I do?

Just wanted to add that the next thing to happen in the pattern is that he ends up apologising but going into victim mode 'oh I'm such a shit, I'm always wrong, I have no idea why you're still with me'. It's very wearing. How do I react to that?

Is there any reason you can't ask his son to shut the fridge door yourself?

By, for example, telling everyone who lives in the house that you found the fridge door open this morning and could you please ensure it is shut before you leave the kitchen.

Then simply don't engage with anyone of them who tries to argue with you about the matter or claim it is not them.

@tiredofthisshit21

Just wanted to add that the next thing to happen in the pattern is that he ends up apologising but going into victim mode 'oh I'm such a shit, I'm always wrong, I have no idea why you're still with me'. It's very wearing. How do I react to that?

Next time he says pathetic, faux self-loathing shit like this just agree with him
“I don’t know how I put up with it either”
“Yes you are a shit because you’re not behaving like a reasonable person when I make reasonable points”

He’ll stop doing it after the first time you respond like that, bet you.

I could do that, yes. Except I expect my husband to parent his own child rather than me being seen as the one who's having a moan at them.

Sorry that response was to @RedMarauder.

Am sorely tempted to do that @SpongebobNoPants - am getting tired of hearing the same old shit.

It sounds like you both are making a bigger deal of this than you need to. This is typical teenage behaviour. Just say "x you left the fridge door open this morning you wazzock, please remember and close it unless you want to replace the contents of the fridge". You are all living together, there's no need to make it a big deal.

Your DH sounds shit generally and unable to communicate which is a bigger issue.

@BilboBercow it sounds like she did just say it like that but he’s blown it out of all proportion

Is there no way you could leave your husband to deal with the consequences of the sons actions, rather than coming to the rescue? I.e. when your SS leaves the toilet unflushed, leave it for your husband to discover. When he leaves the fridge door open, leave it and let the food spoil, and get your husband to replace the contents (although it would kill me to let good food waste). You would probably only have to do these things once or twice before your husband cracks down on it.

I'm having a few similar struggles at the moment and this is the tactic I'm next to try, i.e. let my partner and kids discover there are no packed lunched made as they're about to leave for school. Which will make them late and him hassled. It's rubbish but it's the only thing I can think of to force him to step up and realise everything I do for them.

With things like tanks I generally address the whole house at dinner time. As we’re clearing up “oh by the way someone left xxx - can we all make sure we’re doing xx, as it causes xx problem, thanks”. Saves it being directed at anyone unfairly and getting into arguments with defensive people DP over petty annoyances.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@BilboBercow it sounds like she did just say it like that but he’s blown it out of all proportion[/quote]
No I think she went to her DP to deal with it, rather than address the son directly.

If he’s living in your house you should be able to have at least some minimal parental input with things that affect everyone. TBH it’s one of the reasons I don’t live with my DP as he would get defensive whenever anything was brought up about his DCs, whereas mine were fair game. It’s just stupid guilt - makes me wonder why some of them thought they could move on to another relationship when they’re still so cut up about their original one breaking down. I have literally no guilt about divorcing my ex. My kids are fine, they’re happy, well adjusted and in the main, better house trained than DP let alone his DCs

I knew it was SS though - he was the only one who had been in the fridge and my daughter was getting ready in her room. She hadn't even been downstairs. I have had to ask him to address this stuff rather than me as I felt like I was always having to remind them to do stuff (I say 'them' as I'm referring to when SS's older brother was home as well). When I've tried to address things in a general way like that I've seen the two buys literally arguing over who forgot to flush their shit down the loo. (My daughter shares a bathroom with them so it's usually her who discovers it).

It's not so much the stuff that happens which is an issue, as I know this is usual teenage behaviour, it's how he reacts to things which is causing rows where there doesn't need to be one.

*Two boys

I genuinely think that habitual defensiveness like what you've described here is an underestimated form of emotional abuse. It's awful behaviour. Instead of caving when he next pulls the self loathing card, which is also an abusive tactic to get you to pity him and sweep it under the rug, tell him how manipulative his behaviour is and that you're not going to stand for it anymore. You need to be able to rationally discuss things to do with his son and if he can't do that then it's never going to work.

I second SpongeBob, when he’s doing his pathetic victim behaviour you agree with everything he says. And tell him in response to ‘I don’t know why you’re with me’ with ‘Me too, I’m not sure how long I can put up with it’

So I now have a heartfelt apology (by text) - this is how the pattern goes. But I'm fed up of living this groundhog day every few weeks.

Oh and I told him I'd cancelled the pub booking we had for this evening (I didn't particularly feel like going out with him after all this) and he called that 'controlling behaviour' and me 'making unilateral decisions on things' - I mean, WTAF?!

Urgh I feel drained just reading about this, let alone living it!

@tiredofthisshit21 it is not controlling to say you don’t feel like going out anymore. Also what did this “heartfelt apology” say?

He doesn’t sound very apologetic if he’s very next reply is that you’re controlling. He sounds like a twat.

Sorry - OP think you are being petty and if you do this all the time it would drive me in sane.
Have 3 older teen DSCs who wander in and out leave doors open, rubbish etc as do my slightly younger DCs.

I do not go to DP everytime and say x did y and can you sort it. I deal with it myself with a next time I see them - generic - oh by the way fridges have doors to keep food cold, if you leave it open then there will be no food. Shut the bloody fridge door after you open it please!

Generally works and as with teenagers needs repeating on a tiresomely regular basis.

I would get defensive if DP came to me everytime youngest leaves cups on the floor which he does every day!. DP just says OY - pick your crap up and it gets done.

Oh the usual guff @SpongebobNoPants. He's very sorry, he will try harder, he can't apologise enough. But following on from the victim stuff, how am I meant to take it seriously? He wants me to drop it so that we can have a nice weekend. But there's this continual sweeping of stuff under the carpet until the same behaviours come up again in a couple of weeks. I'm tired of it. But when I try to discuss it I get the victim stuff.

I actually think the best thing is as above posters have mentioned and just casually address any issues as a family group. BUT saying that I think it's a bit over the top to sweat the small stuff so for instance the fridge was open so close it, why does it have to be brought up, obviously if this was every time he went to the fridge fair enough to say about it but do you never make a mistake and if you do does someone pull you up every time, plus I understand it can be tiring for you to hear your partner repeat same things but if you didn't pull up on everything and relaxed more you wouldn't have to hear it, for instance children might place something next to a bin instead of in it so just put stuff in it, it's so minor a problem.

I agree totally with @aSofaNearYou.
The teens aren't the problem it's your dh's inability to deal with them & his subsequent behaviour. I've been there with this type of behaviour and it IS emotional abuse - it's designed to make you feel crap for him feeling crap.
I've NO tolerance for this type of behaviour having lived with it for years so for me it would be go to counselling (either him alone or you both as a couple) or I'd be gone.
This behaviour does not change unless the person in question is prepared to take a long hard look at themselves.

@bogoffmda

Sorry - OP think you are being petty and if you do this all the time it would drive me in sane. Have 3 older teen DSCs who wander in and out leave doors open, rubbish etc as do my slightly younger DCs.

I do not go to DP everytime and say x did y and can you sort it. I deal with it myself with a next time I see them - generic - oh by the way fridges have doors to keep food cold, if you leave it open then there will be no food. Shut the bloody fridge door after you open it please!

Generally works and as with teenagers needs repeating on a tiresomely regular basis.

I would get defensive if DP came to me everytime youngest leaves cups on the floor which he does every day!. DP just says OY - pick your crap up and it gets done.

As ever, you totally missed the point in order to paint the SM as unreasonable. People that overreact this enormously to minor things like mentioning that the fridge is left open are NOT being reasonable. Clearly you have never had to live with it, or perhaps you are one of those people yourself since you say you'd do the same thing.

Respectfully, you need to get your head out of your own arse with comments like this.

Once again another dad who can’t parent his kids effectively, meaning life is that much harder for the stepmum. I can’t believe how often this comes up on this board, seems like it’s rare to find a dad who does right by his kids and partner!

@Timeforredwine I hear what you're saying and believe me I hate raising petty things like this but does what you're suggesting not just get him out of doing the parenting? I swear to God, my SS walks round with his head in the clouds. He will walk in the front door, having been the last one to walk in the house, and just leave the door wide open behind him. I don't see why I should be the one to make sure he is doing BASIC FUCKING THINGS which shouldn't require a reminder - his dad should be dealing with the issue. And he should not be getting defensive and escalating what should be something minor and easy to deal with into a huge row.

@Magda72 I hadn't thought of it as emotional abuse before but you're right, it's designed to make me back down and feel sorry for him. It's crap behaviour.

@bogoffmda

Sorry - OP think you are being petty and if you do this all the time it would drive me in sane. Have 3 older teen DSCs who wander in and out leave doors open, rubbish etc as do my slightly younger DCs.

I do not go to DP everytime and say x did y and can you sort it. I deal with it myself with a next time I see them - generic - oh by the way fridges have doors to keep food cold, if you leave it open then there will be no food. Shut the bloody fridge door after you open it please!

Generally works and as with teenagers needs repeating on a tiresomely regular basis.

I would get defensive if DP came to me everytime youngest leaves cups on the floor which he does every day!. DP just says OY - pick your crap up and it gets done.

The problem is though, there's usually a big history of laziness, defensiveness and scapegoating which has meant that the poster can't just tell the SC to pick their shit up.

I almost never tell my SC to do anything any more. No matter how small. Because it pretty much always ends up with me cast as the bad guy.

And even where it's a safety issue and I have to, they just ignore or dismiss me anyway. It's depressing to tell a 4 year old to go around rather than carrying a plate with a glass on it over the baby's head to have him turn, tell you, 'it doesn't matter' and just do it anyway. And his father does nothing and acts like I'm in the wrong for objecting.

@SpongebobNoPants is right. This kind of crap is a form of emotional abuse.

On what planet is leaving fridge doors open and shit unflushed in the toilet normal teen behaviour?

I’d be incandescent if any of mine did any of those things.

And my DC don’t do even my lazy DC, because they know there will be consequences and neither I nor DH are their skivvies or bottomless pits of money.

I don’t think this is minor. What kind of adults will they turn out to be if they aren’t even expected to function on a very basic level.