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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Defensiveness over his kids

77 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 10:33

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts. Not sure whether to put this in step-parenting or relationships. Have been with husband for 8 years, married for 3. He has one teen still at home and I have one about to leave for uni.

My issue is that every time I ask him to address something with his son it blows up into a huge row. This morning, I go downstairs to find that SS has left the fridge door wide open after getting out his packed lunch. He'd left the house 15 mins earlier so it had been open a while. Good job I was last to leave the house or it would have been open all day. This shit irritates me as his son walks round glued to his phone meaning he often forgets to do the most basic of things like flush the loo or close the fridge door after him. So I text him asking him to mention it. Short text, to the point. He accuses me of being aggressive (I wasn't) and said 'oh the door must have swung open, he wouldn't have left it open. Erm, that's not really how fridge doors work... Anyhow I call him to discuss and he just hangs up on me. Rude. So now the situation has escalated because he hasn't just dealt with it and moved on, and now I'm angry at him for hanging up on me.

This all sounds fairly minor and petty except it happens on a regular basis and I am worn down with it. So I either run round after his son making sure he's done the basic stuff he should just do, and bite my tongue so as to avoid a row, or I raise it and it escalates? What do I do?

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 14/05/2021 15:43

@tiredofthisshit21

It really is @FishyFriday, and my DP is AMAZING in every way but it's his sensitive spot and I get that. He's protective over his kids. I just wish it didn't turn into that every time. I try not to 'criticise' now and bite my tongue.

This is the thing though @CornishGem1975 - why should you have to bite your tongue because he over-reacts to certain things? That's where I'm at with it. I'm more likely to leave him over sheer frustration if I bottle things up and bite my tongue than I am over rows like this. He needs to deal with his issues and learn to respond differently without bringing all of the emotion into it. All I needed from that test this morning was a response saying 'ok I'll have a word with him.' THAT'S IT! Hours of resentment and arguing would have been avoided. It's not healthy to have to bite your tongue because you know your husband is going to over-react.

This is the only thing that we argue about. Ever. He's good in every other way. Supportive. Kind. Loves me. Thoughtful. Does his share around the house. So do I really want to leave him over this one thing? Not really.

Because I feel like it's sweating the small stuff, and we've had so much bigger things going on in life. I don't stress over it now. He's not stupid, we've had enough conversations about stuff like that in the past for him to know what bothers me without me having to tell him, so he's started picking up on that and the stuff he misses? I've just learned to let it go, it's only really winding me up at the end of the day.

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 15:57

Wouldn't you prefer just to live with your daughter?

What, the 18 year old who will be off to uni soon and has her own life?!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/05/2021 16:01

Well, I meant without the guy and his kids, really!

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 14/05/2021 16:03

Not sure why you wouldn’t just say to the son “can you close the fridge door please, you left it open this morning”. You could have avoided an argument by doing that. Surely you don’t go via your husband every time you want to point something out to your stepson. If so no wonder you’re exhausted with it all.

Sh05 · 14/05/2021 16:13

I don't think it is normal teen behaviour to leave the fridge open, not to flush after using the toilet, not bothering to close the front door.
It's not normal.
Are you sure he's not doing it on purpose to wind him up op?
I have 3 teens and none of them do this. They leave a pile of laundry at the foot of the bed, used cups on the bedside but they never leave the fridge open, they've never not flushed the toilet and they're all very careful to close and lock the door when they're the last one home.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 16:17

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel

Because he wasn't in the house, and more to the point, her husband could have saved himself an argument by not starting one over absolutely nothing! It's not OP that should have behaved differently to "avoid the argument". He caused the argument.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 16:23

@CornishGem1975

It really is *@FishyFriday*, and my DP is AMAZING in every way but it's his sensitive spot and I get that. He's protective over his kids. I just wish it didn't turn into that every time. I try not to 'criticise' now and bite my tongue.

@tiredofthisshit21 @cstaff I agree. Honestly, the cries that you should immediately leave because of one area of discontent are ridiculous. Does nobody want to try and work on their issues anymore?!

I agree with you generally about the overuse of recommendations to LTB, but everyone has different things that they take seriously. I think that living with someone who regularly flies off the handle at unreasonable times and then uses guilt tripping tactics to get away with it without having to address the behaviour is a really stifling, awful way to live. Especially if there are issues that need to be addressed, and can't be. It's unhealthy. I wouldn't just say LTB, but I would say if he is not willing to address this behaviour and work on changing it then he is a terrible partner and ultimately a happier life could be had by leaving him.

I agree about trying to work on your problems, but what you're advocating sounds more like sweeping them under the carpet.

CornishGem1975 · 14/05/2021 16:27

I guess it depends on what you see as problems @aSofaNearYou For me, they are niggles, rather than problems. Are they dealbreakers, no? Do they make me want to throttle him sometimes, yes. But equally, I am sure there are things that make him want to throttle me. So yes, maybe, I am advocating sweeping them under the carpet if they're more like annoyances than actual real-life shit problems.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 17:17

@CornishGem1975

I guess it depends on what you see as problems *@aSofaNearYou* For me, they are niggles, rather than problems. Are they dealbreakers, no? Do they make me want to throttle him sometimes, yes. But equally, I am sure there are things that make him want to throttle me. So yes, maybe, I am advocating sweeping them under the carpet if they're more like annoyances than actual real-life shit problems.

I agree, but OP says it is a regular occurrence and wears her down, so I think sweeping it under the carpet in this scenario would be a really bad idea.

bogoffmda · 14/05/2021 19:01

asofa- suggest you read some threads - I do not blame the SM everytime but I do think alot of the time on some of these threads there is some exaggeration.

I have 3 SDCS - 2 fab one variable who does drive me mad at times, but even when I was married and now with DP - I would never text him at work to tell him one of his DCS left the fridge door open and tell him to sort it and yes texting can be abusive and that is quite simply petty.

LEts be honest op on her other threads does not like her DSCs - there is a pattern.

Suggest you sit down, calm down and stop ebing quite so vile

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 19:13

@bogoffmda

asofa- suggest you read some threads - I do not blame the SM everytime but I do think alot of the time on some of these threads there is some exaggeration.

LEts be honest op on her other threads does not like her DSCs - there is a pattern.

Suggest you sit down, calm down and stop ebing quite so vile

Yeah, I don't think so. I quite clearly explained above why I think this kind of defensiveness and response afterwards constitutes a subtely abusive pattern of behaviour. I don't think it's justifiable. If you're saying that that is how you would also respond in the situation in response to a simple and reasonable text then I maintain my assessment of your opinion is accurate.

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 19:59

@bogoffmda he wasn't at work. He was dropping his son off at school. I thought that if he saw the message when he stopped to drop him off he could mention it. However I still can't see how it was abusive if he was at work.

OP posts:

Bimblingaway · 14/05/2021 20:09

[quote tiredofthisshit21]@bogoffmda he wasn't at work. He was dropping his son off at school. I thought that if he saw the message when he stopped to drop him off he could mention it. However I still can't see how it was abusive if he was at work.[/quote]
I wouldn’t even bother justifying yourself to this one!

MeridianB · 14/05/2021 20:13

Do the SS have keys to the house, OP? If not, do you think they will be reliable enough to have them?

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 20:19

The eldest isn't here any more but he does still have a key. I have no intention of giving the youngest a key, no.

OP posts:

lucy5236 · 14/05/2021 21:41

[quote tiredofthisshit21]@Tiredoftattler I have no problem with asserting my authority in my own house. But what I do have a problem with is being seen as the bad guy who is always nagging/reminding the kids to do x,y & z. It's not my job to parent my husband's kids. If I did all the reminding he would step back even further from the parenting role and leave it all to me. I'm not prepared for that to happen.[/quote]
It's not parenting your husbands kids, it's asking someone you live with to be more respectful and take more care. Simple

Just say it directly to him rather than sending blunt texts to your DP. Do you then expect him to text his son saying "my wife has just text me to ask me to remind you to close the fridge door" - I assume this would be the only option as your DP had presumably already left the house if you were texting him about it

Or if it's a wider issue than just the fridge wait and have a proper discussion with DP. It was hardly something that needed urgent attention since you had closed the fridge.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I was busy in work and getting blunt texts about a fridge door being left open when it had then been closed and the issue discussed later rather than cos text during work time

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 21:49

@lucy5236 please do read the full thread if you're going to take the trouble to comment.

OP posts:

Bimblingaway · 14/05/2021 22:35

@lucy5236 is that you bogoffmda?

lucy5236 · 14/05/2021 22:41

[quote Bimblingaway]@lucy5236 is that you bogoffmda?[/quote]
Eh??!!

lucy5236 · 14/05/2021 22:47

No although we do seem to have similar views.

I honestly can't see myself being that worked up over a fridge door being left open to the extent I'd send a blunt text to my DP To deal with it.

I'd either close the fridge door and let it go or if address the problem myself.

I had missed the reply where OP said her DP wasn't in work but was dropping DSS at school and hoped he'd say there and then.

He'd still be left to pass on a message that would have been obvious it had come via the OP. If the DSS knows the point is being made by the OP then why not say it directly?

In the current climate if a fridge door being left open is your biggest issue you're doing pretty well. And before you say it's not about the fridge door, it's about your DPs reaction - how do you expect him to react to you having a go at something so minor over text and blowing it out of proportion

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 22:51

How is it fucking minor? I take it you'd be ok for all the food in your fridge to go off because someone in your household was unable to carry out a basic task? Ok then. I think you're just here on a wind up. Well done.

OP posts:

lucy5236 · 14/05/2021 22:59

@tiredofthisshit21

But it didn't, did it? You just had to close the door over.

Im not saying it shouldn't be mentioned to stop it from happening again, I'm just suggesting it's a face face conversation in passing between you and your DSS without turning it into a massive deal.

While it's not right, its hardly unusual behaviour for a teenager and I've yet to see a mum or dad posting on here that their own DC is completely disrespectful for accidentally leaving the fridge door open.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 23:09

And before you say it's not about the fridge door, it's about your DPs reaction - how do you expect him to react to you having a go at something so minor over text and blowing it out of proportion

How do you expect him to react? By not massively blowing it out of proportion, obviously! What was it about OP sending a text saying could you mention this to DSS that screamed "blowing it out of proportion" to you more than his response, which was obviously much larger?? I'm truly perplexed at that huge void in logic.

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 14/05/2021 23:13

@aSofaNearYou I'm done with arguing with the fuckwits on this thread who just want to hang me out to dry. Thanks for your support though - I appreciate it.

OP posts:

TreeDice · 14/05/2021 23:21

I'm sorry you've had some weird and not-so-wonderful responses on here OP. The twists and turns of logic people will go through to blame posters is quite honestly impressive.

Your DSS is clearly in the wrong and as PP have pointed out, leaving the door open isn't the end of the world as you were there to catch it. But it could have been super annoying if it had been left open all day and a teen should be reminded about this.

As for texting DP, I struggle to see how that's abusive in any way shape or form? Tell Bob he left the fridge open again, can you remind him he needs to double check it in future please seems entirely reasonable.

Your DPs reaction is definitely a problem. How was he when he returned home?

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